Humorous Quotes - Page 6

My sight, hearing and strength are superior and I can fly. What more do you want?

They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.

For the record, and those readers oblivious to metaphor, I would have avoided the subject entirely if my wife did not assure me I was of average size, an opinion as comforting as it is troublesome, because I know how much research she's done first hand. From the chapter, "Small Penis Rule".

Ira Wood

It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob.

Amy Lane

To all the ladies:" I don't like to be in ladies who judges you by every joke you made, sometimes I do good sometimes bad, don't laugh for me laugh for yourself if you really got it.; Otherwise I'm pretty happy with my own version. ;)

Jayesh Varma

They view New York as Satan's waiting room." "If this is the waiting room, where does the guy reside or work?" "New Jersey, I assume," Kyle said with a smile. "I mean, dude, have you been to Jersey?

Michael Murphy

O.M.G. Lucca, what are you feeding her? Everyday I look at you, and I swear those twinnes must double in size. Look at your bump in this dress, how are you managing to cart that around? Rather you than me chubby." ~Hazel

S.J. Molloy

Well tarnation you're a meanie pants aren't you?" ~Miss Mary~

Lucian Bane

How did you know they were there?" Glory asked. "Oh wait, I forgot, NightWings are all-knowing, all-seeing and all-brilliant, right?" "Don't forget al-wonderful and all-brilliant.

Tui T. Sutherland

I am apparently the complete opposite of a sociopath. (Seriously. I took a test.) WHEW! ‪#‎dodgedabullet‬

Darynda Jones

How is that weird?” Dark the First asked incredulously. “Literally everyone does it. Literally.” “I really wish you’d stop saying literally,” Dark the Second said. “I literally don’t think you understand what that word means.

T.J. Klune

I might not have superpowers, but I know how to knee a guy in the nuts.

Tera Lynn Childs

Deep down, he's shallow.

Peter De Vries

Despite his flaws, one has to admit that he is a whale-sized catch.”“I’ll be thrilled when someone harpoons him,” Lillian muttered, making the other two laugh.

Lisa Kleypas

The greatest trick you can teach an old dog is how to learn new tricks.

J.S. Davey

...the kind of love that picks you up in Akron and sets you down in Rio...

Tom McNeal

Stupidity has a knack for getting its way.

Albert Camus

He was a self-righteous know-it-all who had the breath of a dung beetle, a gray ponytail he barely pulled together from the bozo ring of hair clinging to his balding, freckled dome, and loved to drink, of all things, tea. Usually it was some sickly sweet-smelling herbal crap that was made in the hippie wasteland of Boulder, Colorado. The box was festooned with the image of a happy, dancing bear in a field of multicolored flowers and the tea had some idiotic name like Tai Chai. After work one evening, I snatched the box of tea bags from the break room and changed the recipe. I wasn't really worried that any other employees would use one of the tea bags because NO ONE DRINKS FUCKING TEA AT WORK, especially not the totally useless, noncaffeinated fairy tears reserved for old maids to sip while they watch Murder, She Wrote in bed with their legion of cats.

Shane Kuhn

I am an existential libertarian humanist cocksucker. Now, what else do you want to know?

Remesh R.

The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.

J.S. Davey

You know what you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing. He's already been told twice."Darryl the cop

Movie Be Cool

Can a person really love someone so deeply after only a week? Hello? Cliche much for insta-love?

Christy Pastore

I don't care what your daddy told you. I don't care what your grandaddy told you. The South lost. Get over it man! -January, 2003; Opening lecture to Intro to Civil War Era Studies, Gettysburg College

Mark A. Weitz

She was called a cook, but there was no real evidence she had even a small amount of ability to do this. Every meal, no matter how much you thought you liked it before, would be ruined forever after having one of Margery’s slop versions of it. Burger and Chips or Lasagne, as Mike liked, were gruesomely murdered by the time Margery had used the ingredients (and added some special ones of her own!) to deliver a pile of gruel. It did not matter what the menu said; when served, it was always green, even if none of the ingredients were actually green!“Nexxxttt! Hey, you, I said NEXXTT!!!” she shouted at the violet boy who had hesitated to wonder if life was really worth this. “What’s your name, boy? Speak up now and tell me which class you are in?” This was a usual evil method Margery used so children had to give up holding their breath and smell the putrid stench of her sweaty BO mixed with the green muck she scooped from a giant vat beside her. The poor boy nearly passed out when it hit him, but, fortunately, his friend helped him stay up. He quickly grabbed his tray and sloshed his green slush all over as he ran for freedom. NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXTTTTTTT!!!

L.P. Donnelli

They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.

Brian L. Tucker

Going down 6% grades using only a hand brake and low gears wasn’t for sissies and, in retrospect, might have been for idiots.

Jeffrey H Ryan

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect.

Krystyna Faroe

My mom said:‘Don’t put your finger in your brother’s ear! If you want to know how that quarter trick is done, go ask the magician.’ So I tugged on The Great Arturo's pant leg until he finally taught me how. That was my first magic trick! I was five years old.

Autumn Morning Star

The thing to remember about a kick is you go for his twigs and berries" ~Declan~

Ilsa Madden-Mills

I would like a cappuccino," says Linus politely. "Thank you.""Your name?""I'll spell it for you," he says. "Z-W-P-A-E-N--""What?" She stares at him, Sharpie in hand."Wait, I haven't finished. Double F-hyphen-T-J-U-S. It's an unusual name, Linus adds gravely. "It's Dutch.

Sophie Kinsella

Tonight sucked" my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. "What?" He smiled at me. "Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip?"I just shook my head. "The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking.

Robin Benway

I've found that all it usually takes to draw out an engineer is to ask a couple of technical questions and then remain calm while listening to the answers. Most people tend to take on a blank, frightened look as soon as they realize that a technical explanation is under way; if you can resist giving this reaction and simply listen, your engineer will open up and tell you everything you ever wanted to know.

Margaret Lazarus Dean

Finish is a laundry powder. I feel guilty when I finish a book.

Jeremy Lee

You soon know the difference between a real newspaper and an electronic one as soon as a fly won't leave you alone.

Jeremy Lee

I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly.

Pawan Mishra

Fainting is for preteen girls and those really weird goats. I do not faint!

Melissa F. Olson

The evidence suggests that you would be more likely to select the tempting chocolate cake when your mind is loaded with digits. System 1 has more influence on behavoir when System 2 is busy, and it has a sweet tooth.

Kahneman Daniel

You have to be careful to kill a fly that is perched on your scrotum.

Ghana

Very few problems cannot be solved by either coffee, wine or chocolate.

Evelynn Crowe

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

Christopher Shevlin

Just because someone’s a pain in the ass in life, doesn’t mean when they’re dead, we shouldn’t be respectful.

M. Judeth Nelson

Some people are born without souls and will never evolve.

Jay S. Coreman

You know?” he asked.“Yes. I know what I am.”“You – you do?”“I’m a time traveler.

Darynda Jones

What does it take to be a writer? 1) Foolhardily believing that someone might actually be interested in reading what you've written. 2) Spending an enormous amount of time writing it as well as you can. 3) Accepting that, at best, you'll probably be paid something around 25 cents an hour for your efforts.

Todd Strasser

His overactive charm poured out like a lone drainage pipe after a flash flood.

Lida Sideris

I measure my days by the number of homicidal thoughts I have. I only had two today. So it must have been good.

Lida Sideris

You have heard about the reindeer that pull old Santa's sled. But mostly I hate Rudolph and wish that he were dead. With his nose of red which we all know just can't be true. I wish someone would just kill him, that someone could be you. He is Santa's favorite and to the front he can be found. Instead of his red nose, "I" think it should be brown. He believes that Santa likes him and thinks that he's a winner. But Santa Claus has other plans he wants Rudolph for his dinner. Old Saint Nick is greedy this I know without a doubt. What else do you think happens to all the great toys we go without?He takes them and he breaks them be cause he doesn't care a bit. To me it doesn't matter, Why, he can keep his "Schict".Yes' it's true that I hate Santa too, dressed in his suit of silk. That's why this year with the homemade cookies, I'm going to leave some poison milk.

Mark W Boyer

I know I really shouldn't be complaining right now,

Nicholas Murray

He had a bushy unibrow that could house a family of quail.

Lida Sideris

If you don't think you have enough problems, you should acquire a mammal in Sweden just hours before you're about to fly home to the other side of the world, and then insist that the animal must come along in your luggage.

Jonas Jonasson

A rainy day is a good day to be in bed with a good book - or with someone who has read one."T.K. Lukas

T.K. Lukas

But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster.

Shannon Hale

I screamed, Go to hell! in the car, and the GPS took me to my mother-in-law's house.

Emma Beasley

No! I had too many variables! Two of those variables were actually the same variable, so I revised the equation and then it all made perfect sense!" Ada was truly excited. "You seem truly excited, Lady Ada," said Anna cautiously.

Jordan Stratford

The difference between an ignorant fool shoveling manure in a bullpen, and a fool with a PhD, is that the fool with the PhD can shovel more of it, faster.

Dimitris Mita

Byron said once of the sea: ‘The monsters of the deep are made; each zone obeys thee; thou goest forth, dread, fathomless, alone,’ yet Sebastian called it, ‘A place where nobody beat us, fry us and eat us in fricassee’. Each to their own.

Nick John Whittle

Arms wrapped around [Darcy's] abdomen from the back. Fingers felt for the spot above his navel. Two fists pushed in and upward. Darcy felt a violent squeezing sensation. The offending prawn shot out of his gullet, flew across the table, and knocked Tate's wine glass over...Tate looked down at the partially chewed shrimp in disgust and covered it with his napkin.

Donna Warner & Gloria Ferris

I have two moods:1. Sleep is for the weak.2. Sleeping for a week.

Dinesh

Men fight like men. Women fight like unchained demons.

Heather Blanton

At this point I came across one of the vending machines that only Japan has. I have to admit that I love the whimsical items sold in such appliances, like all sorts of junk food, beer cans, whisky bottles and even underwear. This particular machine sold both whisky and underwear, which truly is a bizarre combination, or maybe not, considering all the underwear were female panties. It was therefore my theory that older men would come by and buy the whisky, and then when they were drunk and young women passed by, the men would then offer them panties as gifts for sexual favours. Ya, it all made perfect sense to me.

Andrew James Pritchard

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Humorous Quotes - Page 6

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