Humorous Quotes - Page 5

I doubt very much that writers ever go to therapy. I wouldn't! I imagine that I wouldn't have anything to write about after!

Angelina Assanti

I love Naples, Florida! Although, I’m so far behind everyone else there. After all, I’m still wearing my first face!

Angelina Assanti

Men did stupid things when they got romantic ideas in their heads.

Nathan said nothing for a moment. Then, "There’s nothing in my fur, is there?"Simon gave the other Wolf a careful look. “No boogers.” 　　"Good. I hate washing boogers out of fur."“Who doesn’t? What comes out of human noses is disgusting...

Piter: Ah-ah, Baron! Is it not regrettable you were unable to devise this delicious scheme by yourself?Baron: Someday I will have you strangled, Piter.Piter: Of a certainty, Baron. Enfin! But a kind act is never lost, eh?Baron: Have you been chewing verite or semuta, Piter?

Don’t think you’re some kind of snowflake, suit guy. I’m a bitch to everyone.

No, I don't go to that restaurant anymore. No body goes there. It's too crowded.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Women" Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, "Strong women make strong men.

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

The demon was turning out to be an unpredictable, feral, bone-and-head-collecting, sexually ravenous happiness battery. She swallowed. All I have to do is plug him in.

I engage in subtle stalking. That's entirely different and perfectly socially acceptable.

Many of my ex-girlfriends were habitual half-asian daters. These women considered half-asian men 'exotic,' 'sexy,' and 'just-like-Keanu Reeves-in-the-Matrix. I consider these stereotypes appropriate because I got laid.

He's so dumb he couldn't find his way out of a birth canal.

If you're committed, that just means you're in agreement your undertaking could be your ticket to the asylum.

Todd Day

Chekhov. Well he was a bit of a lad. He had at least two dozen relationships, possibly three; some of them long term; most of the woman wanted to marry him and throughout that time he was still a constant frequenter of brothels. ‘‘Mercy. It’s a wonder he got time to write at all.

Everyone lies. Or they have amnesia.

Fiction is but a moment of bliss that takes the pain away...Like a cookie for the soul...

Leona Keyoko Pink

Listen carefully, I’m going to say three words.”“I love you?

Lisa Scottoline

I love you like a big fish

if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.

God has given you the same brain, so use your own in stead of borrowing ideas from somebody else. Think about and fathom the ideas before following them.

Raj Singh

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday.

Karen Salmansohn

You can't fall in love with someone in a day.""Romeo and Juliet did," Melanie says, tugging me toward the exit."Yeah, and then they killed themselves a few hours later. Thanks for the pep talk, Mel.

When it's all said and done remember, "You are only as old as you look.

Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can't make coffee.

Karen Salmansohn

And we’re at four. Alexis Ann, I think we’re in an abusive relationship.

Melissa A. Craven

I am currently preoccupied with chocolate.

Melissa A. Craven

Among the top ten things I've learned in life: when your hair stylist is having a bad day, reschedule.

I've been waiting for this a long time."-Martin "Let me guess that you're wishing for your IQ to break double figures?"- Alex V.

We so need to work on your definition of relaxing.

Melissa A. Craven

Where's the guy who gave me Twinkies and Coke?

Melissa A. Craven

I'm Julia Malone and nobody has the patent on me!

Katie St. Claire

Get out of my brain!

Melissa A. Craven

Don't follow your heart if you can't keep a beat

Sent from my CrackBerry Intergalactic Kommunikator that doubles as an Illuvian Disruptor Death Ray.

Bob N. Boguslavski

If a demon and a vampire mated, their offspring would be unique but in harmony, like a Labrador retriever crossed with a poodle. Voila, labradoodle!But a vemon was a made creature, as if one took the front half of the Lab and jammed it onto the back half of thr poodle. In other words, wrong.

Love a girl trulyExpectation: MarriageReality : Friendzoned

If the bonus army conquered Washington the lawyer had a boat hidden in the Sacramento River, and he was going to row upstream for a few months and then come back “because they always needed lawyers after a revolution to straighten out all the legal side.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

You act like the sorcerers are invading the continent for the sole joy of hunting me down and lobbing me off of tall objects.

Down, boy! Couchant! I said couchant! No! Not rampant!

Terry Pratchett

I don't know what it is, but even when I pretty much like a man, after I date him a while, he gets to seem kind of tiresome. I just can't be bothered to act interested anymore, and then I finally tell him I don't want to go out anymore. They always get upset. - Lillian

Charlaine Harris

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.

I can do anything a man can do except get a hard-on--and that's only because I lack the equipment.

Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to 'blow me.

My best advice is never to address any woman as Madam unless she holds a high position in government or you happen to find yourself in a brothel speaking to its owner.

There are stranger things out there than flying pigs.

Jane Tara

I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.

You do remember how dangerous I am with those?” “Aye, that’s the point. Everyone will duck and cover if they see you wielding these.” “Even my teammates?”“Especially your teammates.

Melissa A. Craven

My voice of reason is always Lola. "You're a jackass.""You only say that when I'm being your voice of reason.""Out of my head, witch. And don't piss me off, I tell her. "I'll buy you underwear one size too small for Christmas and make you hate life.

Christina Lauren

Do people call you Ollie?” Lola asked.Oliver looked at her, completely dumbfounded by the possibility of this nickname. She may as well have asked him if people call him Garth, or Andrew, or Timothy.“No,” he said flatly, and the only thing charming about him was the way his accent seemed to run through every vowel with one syllable. Lola’s eyebrow twitched in her single tell—mildly annoyed—and she lifted her flashing LED drink cup to her lips.Lola wears mostly black, including her glossy dark hair, and has a tiny diamond pierced into her lip, but, even still, she’s never been able to pull off the full physical manifestation of the angry Riot Grrrl. With her perfect porcelain skin and the longest eyelashes in the world, she’s simply too delicate. But once she decides you’re an asshole, it no longer matters to her what you think. She gives good glare.“The flower suits you,” she said, tilting her head to study him. “And you have pretty hands, kind of soft. Maybe we should call you Olive.”He grunted out a dry laugh.“And a really beautiful mouth,” I added. “Gentle. Like a woman’s.”“Aw fuck off.” He was laughing outright by then.

Christina Lauren

Michael Palin : "I am sorry to interrupt you there Dennis, but he's crossed it out. Thomas Hardy here on the first day of his new novel has crossed out the only word he has written so far and he is gazing off into space. Ohh! Oh dear he's signed his name again."Graham Chapman: "It looks like Tess of the D'Urbervilles all over again."- Matching Tie and Handkerchief, "Novel Writing

What is that thing? It looks like a model of the human digestive tract made from broken beer bottles and sadness.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!

Ana Claudia Antunes

Seeing someone reading a book you love is seeing a book recommending a person

coolstoryreddit

-Cheap? I could have bought a whole pig with that coin jester. -Exactly my Lord. And while some may eat a mule, no one can ride a pig.

Angelo Tsanatelis

Feeling old? Remember, you will never again be as young as your are today.

Raymond C. Nolan

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