Humorous Quotes - Page 4

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be!" - Governor Dewar

From my novel, "A Twist in Travel:Fate," "What, you've never seen a grown man naked?!

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

Ryan Lilly

Wisdom of the Ages: "Friendship" The only ship that can weather any storm.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year's Eve" The last day you can do all the things you are resolving to give up-until you give up on your New Year's resolutions.

Matthew Heines

Play and be happy.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Wisdom of the Ages "The Marshawn" US Army's new main battle tank. Runs over enemies instead of shooting them. Biggest expense: maintaining the dreadlocks hanging off the turret.

Matthew Heines

What are you doing?”Celaena lifted another piece of paper. “If His Pirateness can’t be bothered to clean for us, then I don’t see why I can’t have a look.”“He’ll be here any second,” Sam hissed. She picked up a flattened map, examining the dots and markings along the coastline of their continent. Something small and round gleamed beneath the map, and she slipped it into her pocket before Sam could notice.“Oh, hush,” she said, opening the hutch on the wall adjacent to the desk. “With these creaky floors, we’ll hear him a mile off.” The hutch was crammed with rolled scrolls, quills, the odd coin, and some very old, very expensive-looking brandy. She pulled out a bottle, swirling the amber liquid in the sunlight streaming through the tiny porthole window. “Care for a drink?

Sarah J Maas

Okay, I've only just found out the final lineup for Slytherin," said Angelina, consulting a piece of parchment. "Last year's Beaters, Derrick and Bole, have left now, but it looks as though Montague's replaced them with the usual gorillas, rather than anyone who can fly particularly well. They're two blokes called Crabbe and Goyle. I don't know much about them--""We do," said Harry and Ron together."Well they don't look bright enough to tell one end of a broom from another," said Angelina, pocketing her parchment, "but then I was always surprised Derrick and Bole managed to find their way onto the pitch without signposts.""Crabbe and Goyle are in the same mold," Harry assured her.

J.K. Rowling

After we bring food home from the grocery store...Dogs must think we are the greatest hunters ever!

Ann Taylor

If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased".

Katharine Hepburn

I have come to see the nonsense of trying to describe fine scenery.

Nathaniel Hawthorne

Wisdom of the Ages "Car Commercials" One of the last times you're ever gonna see that overpriced s-box not stuck in a traffic jam.

Matthew Heines

Simon stepped forward and clapped him on the shoulder. "Nothing better than making a maid happy, is there?""Aye, there most assuredly is." Simon cocked a puzzled brow."Skewering my meddlesome brother would definitely be better."Simon laughed. "Then I'd best go pack so that I won't be directly in your sight for the next few minutes.""You do that, Simon, and while you're at it, make sure to find your common sense and bring it along as well.

Kinley MacGregor

Wisdom of the Ages: "Wildlife Education" When I was a kid, the only woodland creature I knew of was the squirrel. I guess that's why no one believed me when I told them a squirrel just ate two of my friends.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Ski-ing" The act of visiting Polish people.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "BS" Has now replaced death, worthless IOU's and ignorance as America's number one export.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year" For a kid, the ultimate source of confusion. They say it's a new year, but after the break, you realize you are still in the same class, with the same lousy people.

Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Boxing Day" In the UK, the day after Christmas is named after the first activity that takes place between husband and wife after the Christmas receipts are added up.

Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Nativity" The Son of God was born in a manger-not surprising, have you seen the prices of hotel rooms in Bethlehem? Oy Vay! Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah Peace!

Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "True Nobility" Comes not from thinking one is better than others-it comes from working toward the betterment of all.

Matthew Heines

I wish I had an imaginary friend.

Graham Garrity

Think pink but don't wear it

Karl Lagerfeld

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

Ryan Lilly

Jenna can't hear us, she's blind

Sara Shepard

Wit is so shining a quality that everybody admires it, most people aim at it, all people fear it and few love it unless in themselves. A man must have a good share of wit himself to endure it in others. The more wit you have, the more good nature and politness you must show to induce people to pardon your superiority, for that is no easy matter.

Amelia Grey

Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network..." "Of course they do!" Morrow shouted gleefully. 'The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired you to sit there and spout their corporate propaganda?

Ernest Cline

Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~

Lucian Bane

Wisdom of the Ages: "Hillary" Has replaced the term "battle-axe" to describe an undesirable mother-in-law in 37 languages.

Matthew Heines

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Tom Brady's balls" Nothing more than a publicity stunt to keep the NFL Network from losing San Francisco's market share.

Matthew Heines

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Wilson or Brady?" The writing is on the ball...

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Rainier" A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: "Tom Brady's Balls.

Matthew Heines

Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me.

David Mitchell

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

Matthew Heines

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Eating Crow" This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Pope and Congress" It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

Matthew Heines

Jack, I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Oh Mom, you're way too old to be having a mid-life crisis.

Irene Rubaum-Keller

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

Matthew Heines

He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars.

Marika Christian

Tell Jack that after he finishs saving the universe again, he has to take out the trash in the kitchen."-Rosalind Kirby, one day in 1971

Mark Evanier

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

Arthur Wellesley

Wisdom of the Ages "News People" Always joking around and happy. I guess that proves that ignorance really is bliss.

Matthew Heines

A man who has shot lions in large quantities has an unfair advantage over other men.

Agatha Christie

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.

Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Virtual Reality" A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.

Matthew Heines

Politicians and children have two speeds: running and asleep.

Ariel Lawhon

It’s impossible to park on Tremont or even idle there for more than thirty seconds. A platoon of meter maids, imported from the female Hitler Youth shortly after the fall of Berlin, roam the street, at least two to a block, pit bull faces on top of fire hydrant bodies, just waiting for someone stupid enough to stall traffic on their street.

Dennis Lehane

Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

Matthew Heines

Why do they call them daytime dramas, anyway? Shouldn't they be bedtime dramas? All anyone ever talks about is getting someone into bed! Plus if you're at home watching, you're probably watching in bed. And if you're like me, after an hour or two of watching all those sexy goings-on you forget the silly story entirely and fall asleep. Just like it's bedtime!

Elizabeth Jane Howard

And you'd be left there like a fucking dumpling. You'd be standing there. A fucking dumpling man I'm telling ye.

James Kelman

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Matthew Heines

Isolde took a swig. "It doesn't matter if you believe it or not. Your government just gave you two months to get knocked up." She held up the bottle, her face dull and red. "Cheers." "You better get your fill of the booze now, then," said Xochi. "You'll be drinking for two pretty soon.

Dan Wells

Why, oh why was I standing entranced when I should have been releasing my inner she wolf on his arse?

Lilly James

Show me a writer that doesn't use their craft as a coping mechanism and I'll show you my unicorn.

Angelina Assanti

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Humorous Quotes - Page 4

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