Humorous Quotes - Page 3

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother." ArtemisSet and Bathymaas laughed.Apollo, not so much.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

If Shane had learned one thing, it was to never tamper with a firecracker during an explosion. That stood double when applied to women – especially when you were the idiot who’d lit the fuse.

Save the World-ers

Kajsa Li Paludan

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.”D’Artagnan Bloodhawke

D'Artagnan Bloodhawke

If you give a writer a line, they'll take a paragraph…

Suzanne McKenna Link

Ha!: He laughed. "Almost all of them as a kid, but most recently it was my nose...for the seventh time. And I've had two concussions, three broken fingers, and a partridge in a pear tree.

A.E. Neal

At around 6:00 a.m., April 30, 1987, we were awakened by a loud bull horn while inside our rented mobile home at an Ozark, Missouri trailer park."Glenn Miller, Jack Jackson, Douglas Sheets, Tony Wydra, this is a United States Marshal. You have three minutes to come out with your hands up, or we will commence firing."The feds had flown in two SWAT teams; one from Kentucky, the other from Louisiana (40 in all, plus the Marshals and local authorities) to make the arrests.We were surrounded.I had a hang-over, couldn't find my pants, and had to pee, bad.

Frazier Glenn Miller

I’d like to THANK the genius who saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!!!!

I don’t think I’m crazy, but then again, define crazy.

J. Lincoln Fenn

If that phone ain't ringing, I assume it still ain't you" Randy Travis

Carole Townsend

You are organic, aren't you? Or am I talking to a statue again?

Christina Daley

Lending books to other people is merely a shrewd form of housecleaning.

You can't oversleep if you don't make plans to wake up early.

Elizabeth Jane Howard

Do you recall telling Dr. Phillips during your appointment on February second of last year that you needed to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases because—let me make sure I get this correct here . . .” Taylor read out loud from her file, “Because, quote, ‘your weasel-dick husband slept with a skanky whore stripper and the cheating bastard didn’t use a rubber’?” Ms. Campbell shot up in her chair. “She actually wrote that down?” The jury tittered with amused laughter and sat up interestedly. Finally—things were starting to look a little more like Law & Order around here. “I take it that’s a yes?” Taylor asked.

In movies, we are accustomed to seeing handsome actors. It's so commonplace on the screen, large or small, that we barely note it as extraordinary. But in life, rarely do we encounter an onslaught of beauty, entire a hive of handsomeness, find ourselves awash in an ocean of attractiveness, drowning in a miasma of hotness.

By the way, I have a bone to pick with you." Esperetta"Only one?" Velkan"At the moment." Esperetta"Then I can't wait to hear it." Velkan"'Bram' and 'Stoker'?" Esperetta"It was fitting, I thought." Velkan

Sherrilyn Kenyon

If men had to have babies there wouldn’t be any sex life left.

You didn't happen to install Windows when you upgraded me, did you?

Kelly McCullough

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.

Anonymous

He stood at the table facing Flora and blowing heavily on his tea and staring at her. Flora did not mind. It was quite interesting: like having tea with a rhinoceros.

It paid to be cultured, just as long as you didn't start growing bacteria.

Michael Lee West

I’d like to THANK whoever saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!

The fifth sense is "common sense"- either you have it or you don't.

Jersey cows,” Eva explained after Jac complimented the luxurious taste. “The butter and cream here are better than anywhere in the world.”“Not that we’re prejudiced,” Theo teased.

M.J. Rose

If you don't have a headache by the end of this class, I'm not doing my job.

if wishes were horses beggers will ride

sadam isa ijago

Well, she asked him questions about his age and his attainments. The fact that he was a Catholic gave her pause, but when I explained to her that the present Pope was a well-meaning sort of chap, she said she was prepared to meet him halfway.

Elizabeth Cadell

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

Xaviera Hollander

It's easy to have high morals when you'd be safe naked in the middle of San Quentin Prison.

Are you okay?" Kelly cried."I shot dinner," Nick said.Kelly snorted. "Look, Hannibal, you can shoot back if they 're shooting at you, but it's still not okay to eat them afterward.

Damn, he was good. I'd been professionally sullied without a single item of clothing removed.

You know what we have to do?"The Italian nodded. "I know.""You don't look too happy about it.""Defacing a beautiful building is a crime.""But killing people is not?" Dee asked."Well, people can always be replaced.

By the time that adorable steak and I had become one flesh I could have taken on the whole Valmy clan singlehanded.

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but … what?

Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children.

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone's life, you're then responsible for it."Allison thought about telling him she'd seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered her own bit of nonsense. "In some cultures, saving a life is considered an interference with fate and is punishable by death.

Elle Todd

My dog hasn't said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." ~ Jane Austin. Arguably one of the best opening lines in literary history (I said ARGUABLY doesn't mean I want to argue). However, to make it a modern retelling it would have to read: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man or women in possession of a good fortune, just treading water or so broke it aint no joke, must be in want of a life partner.

I didn't want to tell him that I was so wet that Noah would have had to build an ark to avoid the flood in my pants - Moxie

Hangin' upside down ain't good for nobody but possums.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals... I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants".

none

relations are the failures of life.

Jasneet

Merry Christmas," said George. "Don't go downstairs for a bit.""Why not?" said Ron."Mum's crying again," said Fred heavily. "Percy sent back his Christmas jumper." [I guess that's a sweater, though my jury is still out on it until I get a future confirmation.]"Without a not," added George. "Hasn't asked how Dad is or visit him [in the hospital] or anything...""We tried to comfort her," said Fred, moving around the bed to look at Harry's portrait. "Told her Percy's nothing but a humongous pile of rat droppings--""--didn't work," said George, helping himself to a Chocolate Frog. "So Lupin took over. Best let him cheer her up before we go down for breakfast, I reckon.

Kind of a bummer, getting your butt kicked by a dead guy.

She did not care what a ludicrous picture she might be painting, a fat happy old lady in her night gown, swinging on a small little swing in the dead of the night.

Srividya Srinivasan

A gold cage is still a cage.-King David IOh, go cry in a bag of money.-Queen Christina

MaryJanice Davidson

Few seem to be able to eat a turkey leg at Disneyland without splattering tsunami scale grease, so grab plenty of napkins or wear a bib, tablecloth or scuba suit.

I would rather write a book without a title if my true friend chooses to live in a million dollar home in London and acts foreign.

A balanced dieT to make you die with a tea, consists of holding two bags of cookies on each hand and a voracious hunger to consume.

Ana Claudia Antunes

Engineer is the one who thinks Dark Fantasy is a condom and not a biscuit

I'm torn between none of your business and kiss my ass.

Elle Todd

Common sense is a tool that isn't in everyone's shed.

Go Big or Go Home

I was very sorry to hear about your losses. Your brother was a terrible traitor, I know, but if we start killing men at weddings they'll be more frightened of marriage than they are presently. (Olenna Tyrell to Sansa Stark

George R.R. Martin

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

Carla H. Krueger

I had to be the world's biggest loser, writing about hair, and stuff about my body. No wonder I stopped keeping a journal. It was like keeping a record of my own stupidity. Why would I want to do that?

Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Allow me to remove my headphones to listen to your bullshit.

Observation:Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013

There is nothing more stimulating to the senses than that of a female body freshly emerged from a steaming hot shower, bathed in oils and feminine scents... well nothing except maybe a freshly opened package of chocolate double-stuffed Oreos.

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