Humorous Quotes - Page 12

I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction.

And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years old, who had not made a noise for the last two minutes; ‘And she is always so gentle and quiet—Never was there such a quiet little thing!’ But unfortunately in bestowing these embraces, a pin in her ladyship’s head dress slightly scratching the child’s neck, produced from this pattern of gentleness such violent screams, as could hardly be outdone by any creature professedly noisy. The mother’s consternation was excessive; but it could not surpass the alarm of the Miss Steeles, and every thing was done by all three, in so critical an emergency, which affection could suggest as likely to assuage the agonies of the little sufferer. She was seated in her mother’s lap, covered with kisses, her wound bathed with lavender-water, by one of the Miss Steeles, who was on her knees to attend her, and her mouth stuffed with sugar plums by the other. With such a reward for her tears, the child was too wise to cease crying.

It's all your fault, Mother,' said Larry austerely; 'you shouldn't have brought us up to be so selfish.' 'I like that!' exclaimed Mother. 'I never did anything of the sort!' 'Well, we didn't get as selfish as this without some guidance,' said Larry.

This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person’s life.

I refuse to lie to children. I refuse to cater to the bullshit of innocence.

Children are holy angels.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Stay strong. Don't be bullied by anyone.

Luke Bookwrighter

If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!

Anonymous

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.

It is a curious fact that small boys are more terrified of their babysitters than small girls are. In part, this is because small girls and babysitters, who are usually slightly larger girls, belong to the same species, and therefore understand each other. Small boys, on the other hand, do not understand girls, and therefore being looked after by one is a little like a hamster being looked after by a shark. If you are a small boy, it may be some consolation to you to know that even large boys do not understand girls, and girls, by and large, do not understand boys. This makes adult life very interesting.

...life's about accumulating wrinkles, deep as rivers and as wide as is needed to travel along their path, so that by the time you're ready to die, your life can be read.

I ran outta tears of sadness when I was 20 & all I got left is tears of joy.

Genereux Philip

Suffering is the sorrow of joy.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my manhood in your vagina'?

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop.

You'll let me put a total stranger's piss hose in my mouth while my knees scream in agony on the hard floor? Right here in from of everyone? Gosh, such a hard thing to pass up. But you know, I'd rather eat Ebola pudding than let your sad little dick near me." She wiggled her fingers as she slipped past him. "Toodles" Oh, he needed to tap that.

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

Jackson Radcliffe

Sticks and Stones may break my bones,but whips and chains excite me.So throw me down, tie me up,and show me how you like me.

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

My sub doesn't pay for me,” he says, pulling me to my feet. “That just doesn't happen.”“But we ordered so much,” I say helpl

Sex with a married woman ten years his senior was stress free and fulfilling, because it couldn't lead to anything

Haruki Murakami

Nigromanta took him to her room, which was lighted with false candlesticks, to her folding cot with the bedding stained from bad loves, and to her body of a wild dog, hardened and without a soul, which prepared itsself to dismiss him as if he were a frightened child, and suddenly it found a man whose tremendous power demanded a movement of seismic readjustment from her insides.

Gabriel García Márquez

The tiny space, the toilet, two hundred strangers just a few inches away, it's so exciting, the lack of room to maneuver, it helps if you're double-jointed. Use your imagination. Some creativity and a few simple stretching exercises and you can be knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door. You'll be amazed how time flies.

Chuck Palahniuk

What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your kitchen.

This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus.

Jonathan Safran Foer

Positiveness is not a god gift. Things are negative when you realize that frog inside you is not able to jump high.

When reality and your dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.

I wanted to write in Kitchenese, the secret language of cooks, instantly recognizable to anyone who has ever dunked french fries for a summer job or suffered under the despotic rule of a tyrannical chef or boobish owner.

Anthony Bourdain

. She was beautiful, and her temperament seemed much better than his first wife did. Arman stopped in the middle of the Windsor knot on his tie. Who was he trying to kid, he thought. An enraged rabid pit bull in heat would have had a better temperament then his first wife.

I am a strong woman, I can endure it all.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Without craziness, there is no courage.

Lailah Gifty Akita

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.'He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.''Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses.

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

Ljupka Cvetanova

He has his head in the clouds. He must live in a skyscraper.

Ljupka Cvetanova

His boat sank. They were all on his side.

Ljupka Cvetanova

I've learned my lesson. I know nothing.

Ljupka Cvetanova

In his life there was only one woman. The other one.

Ljupka Cvetanova

They were all on his side. Hi boat sank.

Ljupka Cvetanova

I watched you undress. Shame on you!

Ljupka Cvetanova

While the man is putting on it's shoes, the woman can buy dozens of high heels.

Ljupka Cvetanova

I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house?

Ljupka Cvetanova

Big people never scare me. I am a little man. I can easily hide.

Ljupka Cvetanova

Of all the things in the world, I'm particularly amazed at, is the conviction with which the MIND, endorses an Idea, which is phenomenal, as it differentiates the Genius from Mediocre, or not to forget the human stupidity in particular!

Ramana Pemmaraju

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy'Albert Einstein

Family, can’t live with them, can’t orbitally bombard them back to the foul, oozing proto-plasma they crawled out of, I thought grimly.

Luke Sky Wachter

You didn’t just accidentally win my favor,” I dispute, slowly shaking myforehead against his. “You earned it. Now, if I can just save your life twenty or thirty more times…We might actually be able to call it even.

He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly."The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?""Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face.

A great mission by a great woman.

Lailah Gifty Akita

It is man who forsake is Maker.

Lailah Gifty Akita

If a man can save himself, there is no need for a Saviour.

Lailah Gifty Akita

If you wish to compare, compare yourself with God's commandment.

Lailah Gifty Akita

There is no other shame like senseless sin.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Without hope we fail to exist.

Lailah Gifty Akita

How passionate have you embrace life?

Lailah Gifty Akita

Darkness is necessary for evolvement.

Lailah Gifty Akita

come on, you shouldn't continue to disturb your mind with everything. Avoid thinking about anything at all, leave something, keep something and think about something!

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

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