Humor Quotes - Page 85

Spooky Twisties:All things Spooky, here beginThey lay and wait, in books within.They sometimes pass, in open space.Then leave and go, without a trace.Some appear on the spot.Some we know, others not.Sometimes we are afraid to say,“leave us now”, or beg to stay.At times they leave a sign beyond,A gentle breeze, or note from song.Be not afraid, to read story’s close.For in the dark, your spirit goes.

Terri Bertha

I always said I acted like a twelve-year old, so I decided to write like a twelve-year old.

Terri Bertha

The sun will always rise, but we may never know

Aprl Ray

On the outside, I 'm a husband and a father to three sons. I end to keep quiet and stay to myself. That way I stay out of trouble as much as possible. Some people say I'm almost too quiet but it's like that saying goes, it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for...

Ron Chapman

norris didn't cry, but he was apt to puke on them, the way he had puked on homer gamache that time he had found homer sprawled in a ditch out by homeland cemetary, beaten to death with his own artificial arm.

Stephen King

There was a naked jock on my bed and a thing with tentacles coming out of my toilet. One of these things did not belong, and if you tell me that it was the naked jock, you shouldn't be reading this story.

Johnny Murdoc

Keep driving," said a soft voice in my ear. "She will not bite if you keep driving."Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking Captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour de Fuck.

David Wong

Rockwood didn't have a movie theater or an IHOP or a strip mall. But it did have two churches, a ramshackle bar, and last (but certainly not least) Wacky Willie's Deluxe Goofy Golf, a barren landscape of wilted ferns and plastic flamingos with peeling paint. Wacky Willie had added the 'Deluxe' when finally ridding the thirteenth hole windmill of a stubborn family of bats after a great and terrible struggle that would forever be known as 'The Fearsome Bat War of Rockwood County' by Willie, but was usually referred to as 'That Time Willie Had to Get Rabies Shots' by everyone else.

A. Lee Martinez

...Don't be surprised, and I say it darkly, do not be surprised if you lose your Luke in this cause; perhaps Mrs. Dudley has not yet had her own mid morning snack, and she is perfectly capable of a filet de Luke á la meuniére, or perhaps dieppoise, depending upon her mood; if I do not return" -and he shook his finger warningly under the doctor's nose- "I entreat you to regard your lunch with the gravest suspicion." Bowing extravagantly, as befitted one off to slay a giant, he closed the door behind him.

Shirley Jackson

Sing a song of suspense in which the players die.Four and twenty ravens in an Edgar Allan Pie.When the pie was broken, the ravens couldn't sing.Their throats had been sliced open by Stephen, the new King.The King was in his writing house, stifling a laughWhile his queen was in a tizzy of her bloody Lovecraft.When the dead maid got the garden for her rank as royal whore,King's shovel made it double and he married nevermore.

Jessica McHugh

I never saw a dollar bill cry at anyone's funeral.

J. Lincoln Fenn

It's not the books by Stephen King that I read,I need protection from the things in my head . . .

Jimmy Buffett

Lo!" cried the demon. "I am here! What dost thou seek of me? Why dost thou disturb my repose? Smite me no more with that dread rod!" He looked at Cabal. "Where's your dread rod?""I left it at home," replied Cabal. "Didn't think I really needed it.""You can't summon me without a dread rod!" said Lucifuge, appalled."You're here, aren't you?""Well, yes, but under false pretences. You haven't got a goatskin or two vervain crowns or two candles of virgin wax made by a virgin girl and duly blessed. Have you got the stone called Ematille?""I don't even know what Ematille is."Neither did the demon. He dropped the subject and moved on. "Four nails from the coffin of a dead child?""Don't be fatuous.""Half a bottle of brandy?""I don't drink brandy.""It's not for you.""I have a hip flask," said Cabal, and threw it to him. The demon caught it and took a dram."Cheers," said Lucifuge, and threw it back. They regarded each other for a long moment. "This really is a shambles," the demon added finally. "What did you summon me for, anyway?

Jonathan L. Howard

It's why I get miffed at all the dashing around in recent zombie films. It completely misses the point; transforms the threat to a straightforward physical danger from the zombies themselves, rather than our own inability to avoid them and these films are about us, not them. There's far more meat on the bones of the latter, far more juicy interpretation to get our teeth into. The first zombie is by comparison thin and one dimensional and ironically, it is down to all the exercise.

Simon Pegg

You wouldn't think that people would believe that we all got so incredibly beat up—in so many interesting ways—from a bear attack. Especially not when Carmel is sporting a bite mark that is a spot-on match for wounds found at one of the most horrifying crime scenes in recent history. But I never fail to be surprised by what people will believe.

Kendare Blake

Melody exploded. "THIS ISN'T LIKE GETTING A FISH TO SEE IF I COULD BE RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH FOR A PUPPY!" She took a deep breath, calmed herself and lowered her voice. She then repeated the statement as if doing so removed the stink of the outburst."I'm well aware of that," said Lonnie. "And not to poke it with a stick, but you don't see any puppies sniffing around that empty fish bowl, do you?

B.M.B. Johnson

Yuki: "What can I learn from a stupid cat like you? You didn’t even know that Jason isn’t really a bear. He’s a character in a horror film."Kyo: "Yeah? So what if I didn’t? Like I’d waste my time watching some movie about a bear!"Yuki: You truly are an idiot.

Natsuki Takaya

It's not the tales of Stephen King that I've read,I need protection from the things in my head . . .

Jimmy Buffett

Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed.

Stephen King

Blood is really warm,it's like drinking hot chocolatebut with more screaming.

Ryan Mecum

This 'web of discourses' as Robyn called it...is as much a biological product as any of the other constructions to be found in the animal world. (Clothes too, are part of the extended phenotype of Homo Sapiens almost every niche inhabited by that species.An illustrated encyclopedia of zoology should no more picture Homo Sapiens naked than it should picture Ursus arctus-the black bear- wearing a clown suit and riding a bicycle.

Daniel C. Dennett

There is a species of primate in South America more gregarious than most other mammals, with a curious behavior.The members of this species often gather in groups, large and small, and in the course of their mutual chattering , under a wide variety of circumstances, they are induced to engage in bouts of involuntary, convulsive respiration, a sort of loud, helpless, mutually reinforcing group panting that sometimes is so severe as to incapacitate them. Far from being aversive,however, these attacks seem to be sought out by most members of the species, some of whom even appear to be addicted to them....the species in Homo sapiens (which does indeed inhabit South America, among other places), and the behavior is laughter.

Daniel C. Dennett

Generally I try to avoid discussing consciousness, since it's, like, hard.

Robert Kurzban

Have you been walking in the woods in the last few days?" Matt asked.Lola cleared her throat anxiously. What had she managed to do now, catch jungle fever? "We went hiking in the Greenhills on Wednesday. What's wrong?" Her voice sounded squeaky, so she closed her eyes and took a steadying breath."I don't suppose you've heard of poison ivy," Matt asked. He traced the curve of her knee, pushing the hem of her skirt up her thigh. "Small plant, three leaves, glossy green. Causes a rash of small bumps about a day after contact. Sound familiar?

Bonnie J. James

She'd been trained as a child no to trust anyone, but he'd just saved her life, and she was freezing. He could be a yeti for all she cared.

Krystal Shannan

Oh my God, you're huge." She struggled to get her hands to the ends of the long sleeves. The garment hung to her knees. She glanced up to see his lips pressed together, like he was choking on a laugh. The corners of his eyes wee crinkled and amusement flickered in his heated gaze.

Krystal Shannan

Bet you've never had a bear down your pants before. Though I'm kind of a bear in bed. (Rick from Back to Basics)

Erin McCarthy

I’m really enjoying my solitude after feeling trapped by my family, friends and boyfriend. Just then I feel like making a resolution. A new year began six months ago but I feel like the time for change is now. No more whining about my pathetic life. I am going to change my life this very minute. Feeling as empowered as I felt when I read The Secret, I turn to reenter the hall. I know what I’ll do! Instead of listing all the things I’m going to do from this moment on, I’m going to list all the things I’m never going to do! I’ve always been unconventional (too unconventional if you ask my parents but I’ll save that account for later). I mentally begin to make my list of nevers. -I am never going to marry for money like Natasha just did. -I am never going to doubt my abilities again. -I am never going to… as I try to decide exactly what to resolve I spot an older lady wearing a bright red velvet churidar kurta. Yuck! I immediately know what my next resolution will be; I will never wear velvet. Even if it does become the most fashionable fabric ever (a highly unlikely phenomenon)I am quite enjoying my resolution making and am deciding what to resolve next when I notice Az and Raghav holding hands and smiling at each other. In that moment I know what my biggest resolve should be. -I will never have feelings for my best friend’s boyfriend. Or for any friend’s boyfriend, for that matter. That’s four resolutions down. Six more to go? Why not? It is 2012, after all. If the world really does end this year, at least I’ll go down knowing I completed ten resolutions. I don’t need to look too far to find my next resolution. Standing a few centimetres away, looking extremely uncomfortable as Rags and Az get more oblivious of his existence, is Deepak. -I will never stay in a relationship with someone I don’t love, I vow. Looking for inspiration for my next five resolutions, I try to observe everyone in the room. What catches my eye next is my cousin Mishka giggling uncontrollably while failing miserably at walking in a straight line. Why do people get completely trashed in public? It’s just so embarrassing and totally not worth it when you’re nursing a hangover the next day. I recoil as memories of a not so long ago night come rushing back to me. I still don’t know exactly what happened that night but the fragments that I do remember go something like this; dropping my Blackberry in the loo, picking it up and wiping it with my new Mango dress, falling flat on my face in the middle of the club twice, breaking my Nine West heels, kissing an ugly stranger (Az insists he was a drug dealer but I think she just says that to freak me out) at the bar and throwing up on the Bandra-Worli sea link from Az’s car. -I will never put myself in an embarrassing situation like that again. Ever. I usually vow to never drink so much when I’m lying in bed with a hangover the next day (just like 99% of the world) but this time I’m going to stick to my resolution. What should my next resolution be?

Anjali Kirpalani

Liz pasted on a smile, trying to appear normal in light of the fact that he had possibly incriminating knowledge on her from the background check. She hoped her application for a marriage license with Craig wasn't in the report. Or her long shopping record for organization systems from The Container Store. Or her many Internet searches for breeds of nonshedding dogs (she was waiting for the house with a yard before getting one). Or her long-time obsession with new cleaning products.

Kylie Gilmore

I've already seen what you've got," Liz said, completely out of patience. "Now gimme my wine.""It's not that. I want to show you something at my place."Do I have Idiot stamped on my forehead? They both knew what would happen if they were alone at his place.She leaped to grab the wine and some sloshed out on her head. "Ah!"He bit back a smile. "You shouldn't have done that.

Kylie Gilmore

Ryan couldn't believe his eyes. Gran wearing leather chaps in a Harley shop, talking about her ass. It was a living nightmare."What am I doing here?" he asked Gran. Before he could read her the riot act on safety, Liz stepped in front of him. Her pink shirt was buttoned all the way to the top and tucked into ironed white pants. Her hair was straight and perfect. He had the strangest urge to muss her up.

Kylie Gilmore

I turn my head so that he doesn't see my smile and secretly curse him for making me feel special.

Kasie West

Thanks so much," Daisy said as graciously as she could to the gift of edible underwear from her fiancé's grandmother. She was pretty sure this wasn't covered in any of the bridal etiquette guides.

Kylie Gilmore

Now why do I feel like Little Red Riding Hood?" Daisy asked.Trav flashed a toothy smile and lunged for her neck. She squealed and squirmed, but he held on and chomped gently down her neck.She smacked his arm because she liked that a little too much. "Back off, Big Bad Wolf.

Kylie Gilmore

Trav smiled his sweetest, most charming smile. "Of course I'll play your husband on TV."Daisy blew out a breath of relief. "Great! Thank you. I knew you'd understand."She reached for the ignition to shut off the car. He placed his hand on hers. They weren't done quite yet."As long as you play my wife in real life.

Kylie Gilmore

Then what’s this?” She raised her glass of expensive wine, used it to indicate their plush surroundings.His gaze followed her indication around the dim-lit, upmarket Italian restaurant. “Dinner in comfort.”“With a side order of persuasion?”“More like an offer I’m hoping you can’t refuse.

Monique DeVere

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

Monique DeVere

Look,” she said, “apparently you bring out my inner slut. I’m not going to thank you for that.”Wyatt smiled that sexy smile of his. “I could make you.”She pointed a finger at his nose. And then lowered it so it was pointed at another part of his anatomy entirely. “Don’t even think about it.”“Oh, I won’t,” he said silkily. “But you will.”And she knew he was right.

Jill Shalvis

We can't predict what's going to happen, but having love is worth the risk.

Nina Crespo

Are we going to be stupid?” she whispered.“Define stupid.”“Anything that involves either one of us exposing our favorite body parts.” Or their hearts…“I want to hear about your favorite body part,” he said. “In great detail.

Jill Shalvis

I've noticed you only speak ghetto half of the time." - Stephanie"I'm multi-lingual," Rancher said.I followed him to the door, feeling jealous, wishing I knew a second language.

Janet Evanovich

So, how’d you get the tattoo?” she said.“Drunken frat boys don’t say no to things their drunken frat brothers are telling them to do.”“That almost sounds like an admission of weakness from the invulnerable Andrew Sheffield.”“Not weakness. Stupidity, maybe. That, I’ll cop to.”“I can’t believe the man behind such a successful business is stupid.”“You’d be surprised. Just as there are different kinds of intelligence, there are different kinds of stupid.

Linda Morris

The parasail's winch turned, winding up the line, pulling Ally and Serena lower and closer to him in a steady pull. A funny feeling seized him as he watched her. Logically, he knew she kept getting closer, but he suddenly knew she’d never arrive. She’d be suspended out on the end of that line for eternity, seemingly within reach, yet somehow distant. His breath stopped.

Linda Morris

it’s okay if college isn’t your thing. I’m sure there’s a pole somewhere with your name on it, but next time you might not want to buy your tits off Craig’s List. Just sayin’....Danny James

Candace Vianna

He was a beautiful pagan god with the voice of a serial killer, but that didn’t make him any less god like. It just meant rather than dying in some dank basement or isolated cabin, I’d die bound on an altar as part of some gruesome sacrificial rite. Exsanguinating while he stood over my naked body with my blood dripping from an obsidian blade...Angelina Martin

Candace Vianna

Apparently Super Max was pretty content with taking care of half the town, such was his wonderfulness.

Kristen Ashley

We worked side by side building our sandwiches. Mine, just a few modest layers of meat and cheese, with a bit of lettuce for some added crunchiness; his, a Dagwood, piled high with turkey, ham, salami, lettuce, tomatoes, two kinds of cheese, and—were those jalapenos—with a teetering slice of bread carefully placed on top—there’s no way that’s going to fit into his mouth—he admired it for a moment then using his giant paw, smashed it into submission.

Candace Vianna

If a man can't love you for who you are, he's not worth The Dior Gloss.

Leah Marie Brown

Let's get you into a room and conduct our own chemistry experiment," he said against my lips."Or maybe we'll just find a table to bend you over, since chemists do it on a table... periodically.""Mmm. I love it when you talk nerdy to me.

Cindi Madsen

…It was like he waved his magic wang, and I totally forgot how I’m not a gullible teenager anymore.

Teri Anne Stanley

She glared at me. I didn't care. One word was playing a loop in my heaad: mine.

Kristen Callihan

Stop,” he murmured, or at least that’s what he meant to say. It came out sounding more like “Yes,” which probably wasn’t the same thing at all.

Tawna Fenske

Leaving the feasibility of testicular transplants alone for the moment, she said, “It was mostly my mistake.

Teri Anne Stanley

Since he didn’t seem to understand the situation, I felt it my duty to enlighten him. “Wrong. You started this stupid rumor and half the school probably believes it’s true. Now you have to stick around and pretend to be my boyfriend to convince everyone I don’t have sex with random guys. Not to mention the fact that if you’d kept your mouth shut about getting laid, you wouldn’t be in this situation.”He raised a brow. “So you’re my punishment?

Chris Cannon

Maybe I should put an ad online. Honor student seeks overly self-confident young man for fake relationship. Terms negotiable.

Chris Cannon

Spread, Foxy. Show me that sweet spot.

Sherilee Gray

You ready for this? You ready for what I’m gonna do to you?

Sherilee Gray

Christ, you have a body made for sin.

Sherilee Gray

You been taking care of yourself a long time, Foxy. You must be fucking hungry for it. I bet you’re drenched right now.

Sherilee Gray

Foxy, you made me blow a load in my jeans.

Sherilee Gray

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Humor Quotes - Page 85

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