Humor Quotes - Page 75

Oh, gods. Not the flying!”“I heard you mounted my sister well enough.”“I want you never to make that statement again.

How do you live with yourself, Lord Arrogant?” “Very easily, Lady Difficult. I find myself quitecharming.

I know I’m not an easy She-dragon to. . not fear.” “I’m not afraid of you, Ghleanna. I’ve never been afraid of you. To be quite honest. . I think you’re amazing. I always have. Since the first time you ignored me.

G.A. Aiken

After five seconds there was a click, and the entire Universe was there in the box with him.

Douglas Adams

Living in a galaxy is like living in a neighborhood where the house down the street might have burned down four thousand years ago but you wouldn't know it for another three thousand years.

Amy Leach

1337% of Pi ≈ 42

Mario J. Lucero

The universe had no choice but to create intelligent life so that there would be someone else that could simply laugh at how unbelievably, ridiculously and senselessly huge the universe is and how utterly insignificant the rest of us are.

Ian Strang

Probably in a parallel universe not far from here, I'm working for Nintendo.

David Mitchell

Parents. Honestly. Sometimes they really do think the world revolves around them.

Randa Abdel-Fattah

Humor is just another defense against theuniverse.

Mel Brooks

The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.

Nicole McKay

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun

Stephen Colbert

I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.

Bill Maher

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

M.J. McGuire

We know that there are many animals on this continent not found in the Old World. These must have been carried from here to the ark, and then brought back afterwards. Were the peccary, armadillo, ant-eater, sloth, agouti, vampire-bat, marmoset, howling and prehensile-tailed monkey, the raccoon and muskrat carried by the angels from America to Asia? How did they get there? Did the polar bear leave his field of ice and journey toward the tropics? How did he know where the ark was? Did the kangaroo swim or jump from Australia to Asia? Did the giraffe, hippopotamus, antelope and orang-outang journey from Africa in search of the ark? Can absurdities go farther than this?

Robert G. Ingersoll

The greatest proof that the Bible is inspired is that it has withstood so much bad preaching!

A.T. Robertson

He didn’t care if I hated him, only that I did as I was told.

Sheri Webber

King David had gotten old. He was so cold and frail that the court appointed a young woman to snuggle with him in his bed. No, they didn't have sex. Though the court did make a point of hiring someone beautiful, just to put a little sizzle in his chicken.

Mark Russell

There is nothing, he tells me, more odious than a German. However, their women are seductive, and they make the world's most beautiful music. My employer sings me a German song. He sounds like a buffalo in distress. Afterward he makes me read to him from the Bible.

Sofia Samatar

Wherever he found his speech growing too modern -- which was about every sentence or two -- he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as "exceeding sore," "and it came to pass," etc., and made things satisfactory again. "And it came to pass" was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been only a pamphlet.

Mark Twain

Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and beheld a flying roll.

Zechariah 5:1

The Old Testament is actually pretty raunchy. You might enjoy it.

Nicki Elson

On the whole, we're a murderous race. According to Genesis, it took as few as four people to make the planet too crowded to stand, and the first murder was a fratricide. Genesis says that in a fit of jealous rage, the very first child born to mortal parents, Cain, snapped and popped the first metaphorical cap in another human being. The attack was a bloody, brutal, violent, reprehensible killing. Cain's brother Abel probably never saw it coming. As I opened the door to my apartment, I was filled with a sense of empathic sympathy and intuitive understanding. For freaking Cain.

Jim Butcher

A closed mouth catches no flies.

Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

The post on her left was occupied by Mr. Erskine of Treadley, an old gentleman of considerable charm and culture, who had fallen, however, into bad habits of silence, having, as he explained once to Lady Agatha, said everything that he had to say before he was thirty.

Oscar Wilde

Just because I'm no jaw clacker doesn't mean there should be a ruction put up whenever I have sommat to say.

Tamora Pierce

It's woman's power, food is. You be sure you know where'n the hook is before swallerin' it, Dru. You mind me, now.

Lili St. Crow

Get out of bed and feed me already, person!

Rachel Cohn

I would love a sandwich,' said Tybalt, with enough gravity to make it sound like a formal proclamation. Resolved: that we will have ham and cheese sandwiches.

Seanan McGuire

I'm going on a diet. (Crud, I know)I am going to be cranky. I am going to be irritable.I am going to be moody and sad and mean. And, yes, I am going to be hungry. Please don't feed me, even if I try to bite you. Please don't tease me, I may hurt you.Please don't try to encourage me, I may growl and snap at you. Please don't help me, I may blame you for everything aggravating in the known universe. Please don't be offended by my scowl, I cannot smile. But most importantly, please keep your distance until this trial is over to prevent any unnecessary casualties. Thank you for your understanding.

Richelle E. Goodrich

To me, chocolate was the sole reason we on this earth.

Esi Edugyan

Will you dance for me? Let your breasts roam for a moment -- I need to see how they dance.''Okay.' She danced, and as she danced, she tried to think of the most delicious salads she could imagine -- with artichokes and sundried tomato and blue cheese dressing, and beets, lots of beets.

Nicholson Baker

The French have the right respect for dogs--in France we chiens get to go to lunch and dinner anytime, anywhere.

Sheron Long

The potatoes were starch grenades. The canned carrots were revolting because that is their nature.

David Mitchell

We pass Tinsley's Fried Chicken with the big sign that reads, TRY OUR BIG, JUICY BREASTS.

Donna Cooner

Anybody have any money?”Frank checked his pockets. “Three denarii from Camp Jupiter. Five dollars Canadian.”Hedge patted his gym shorts and pulled out what he found. “Three quarters, two dimes, a rubber band and—score! A piece of celery.”He started munching on the celery, eyeing the change and the rubber band like they might be next.

Rick Riordan

I was lucky to live in the 20th century, when gefilte fish could be purchased in a jar.

Barbara "Cutie" Cooper

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

When he heard there was nothing to eat, he sat down and wept… “Why did I ever wake up!” he cried.

J.R.R. Tolkien

Hurray', shouted Glokta. 'Porridge again!'He looked over at the motionless Practical. 'Porridge and honey, better than money, everything's funny, with porridge and honey!

Joe Abercrombie

Poor animals! How jealously they guard their pathetic bodies…that which to us is merely an evening’s meal, but to them is life itself.

T. Casey Brennan

They were almond cookies, although they could have been made of spinach and shoes for all I cared. I ate eleven of them, right in a row. It is rude to take the last cookie.

Lemony Snicket

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Preparing the communal evening meal sometimes caused arguments. Every village in Sicily had a different recipe for squid and eels, disagreed on what herbs should be disbarred from the tomato sauce. And whether sausages should ever be baked.

Mario Puzo

Rotten people will taste rotten ice cream.

Sarah Chow

Enjoy your Evening.""That will depend on the menu. If it's beef, it will be a tolerable meal. If it's chicken..." Elliot shuddered. "What is the point of chicken?""Eggs?

Anne Bishop

[There's a] point where you have to leave the dough alone. It's silly to anthropomorphize bread, but I love the fact that it needs to sit quietly, to retreat from touch and noise and drama, in order to evolve. I have to admit, I often feel that way myself.

Jodi Picoult

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

Neil Gaiman

Beans are a warm cloak against economic cold.

John Steinbeck

Well, good Christ, how was I supposed to know all that, Hannah? Who looks into the fine points when he's hungry? I'm eight years old and chocolate pudding happens to get me hot. All I have to do is see that deep chocolatey surface gleaming out at me from the refrigerator, and my life isn't my own.

Philip Roth

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

Sierra Dean

When you celebrate, there is sure to be cake."Florence Ditlow, in "The Bakery Girls.

Florence Ditlow

If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.

Bill Maher

New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms.

Bill Maher

Sandwiches,' she said, 'like diamonds, are forever.

Muriel Spark

What's on the inside, beneath that sugar? Is it a bug? Is it a booger?

Elle Valentine

Are bacon and chocolate the foundation of a good meal? No, everybody knowsthat is a deep fryer and/or gravy. However, I have long held the notion that you can't name a food that I can't improve by adding either bacon or chocolate.

Aaron Blaylock

Will everyone stop eating dinosaurs?' she frowned.

Neale Osborne

In geometry, whenever we had to find the area of a circle, pi * radius squared, I would get really hungry for pie. Square pie.

Dan Florence

It is hard to convince people of this, but oatmeal truly is miraculous. It gives you an amazing amount of energy, like cocaine.

Kelly Williams Brown

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Humor Quotes - Page 75

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