Humor Quotes - Page 73

101 Reasons why its great to be a woman:We have an excuse to justify an inordinate indulgence in bitchiness: It's clearly feminine intuition.

Summersdale Publishers

A dialysis patient's life is hard. Laugh harder.

Bob Northam

Try jogging when following your heart, it's healthier

Benny Bellamacina

Never miss a party...good for the nerves--like celery.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

The arrival of a good clown exercises a more beneficial influence upon the health of a town than twenty asses laden with drugs.

Thomas Sydenham

When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses!

Benny Bellamacina

A sneeze can never be to far away

Benny Bellamacina

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

Brian Spellman

I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.

Margaret Atwood

It's much more difficult to maintain personal hygiene if you're obese. Believe it or not, I've found items like remote controls and packages of cigarettes in people's fat rolls.

Jan Garavaglia

If you don't smell good, then you don't look good.

Katy Elizabeth

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Dave Barry

Find 100 reasons to laugh. You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you. Besides unhappiness, what do you have to lose?

Steve Goodier

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Tanya Masse

If illness' end be health regained then I Will pay you, Asculapeus, when I die.

Adelaide Crapsey

Do you smoke, Herr Cabal?""Only to be antisocial," replied Cabal, making no move.

Jonathan L. Howard

The "Hazeldean heart" was a proverbial boast in the family; the Hazeldeans privately considered it more distinguished than the Sillerton gout, and far more refined than the Wesson liver; and it had permitted most of them to survive, in valetudinarian ease, to a ripe old age, when they died of some quite other disorder. But Charles Hazeldean had defied it, and it took its revenge, and took it savagely.

Edith Wharton

He thought, Yeah. Yeah, non-smokers live seven years longer. Which seven will be subtracted by the god called Time? It won't be that convulsive, heart-bursting spell between twenty-eight and thirty-five. No. It'll be that really cool bit between eighty-six and ninety-three.

Martin Amis

It was 1976.It was one of the darkest days of my life when that nurse, Mrs. Shimmer, pulled out a maxi pad that measured the width and depth of a mattress and showed us how to use it. It had a belt with it that looked like a slingshot that possessed the jaw-dropping potential to pop a man's head like a gourd. As she stretched the belt between the fingers of her two hands, Mrs. Shimmer told us becoming a woman was a magical and beautiful experience.I remember thinking to myself, You're damn right it had better be magic, because that's what it's going to take to get me to wear something like that, Tinkerbell! It looked like a saddle. Weighed as much as one, too. Some girls even cried.I didn't.I raised my hand."Mrs. Shimmer," I asked the cautiously, "so what kind of security napkins do boys wear when their flower pollinates? Does it have a belt, too?"The room got quiet except for a bubbling round of giggles."You haven't been paying attention, have you?" Mrs. Shimmer accused sharply. "Boys have stamens, and stamens do not require sanitary napkins. They require self control, but you'll learn that soon enough."I was certainly hoping my naughty bits (what Mrs. Shimmer explained to us was like the pistil of a flower) didn't get out of control, because I had no idea what to do if they did.

Laurie Notaro

One knows so well the popular idea of health: the English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the unbeatable.

Oscar Wilde

...A person who is headstrong enough to open their eyes and their heart to the full depth and weight of the world is inviting in everything out there - both evil and good, both dark and light, and the sheer bravery of that openness enables them to gain profound insight into the human condition. It also fucks them up. It may even make them more prone to stick their head in an oven than to engage in self-promotional chitchat on Jay Leno.

Patricia Pearson

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn't let the dog in the recovery room.

Sandy Nathan

Lem glowered. "Your lion friends ride into some village, take all the food and every coin they find, and call it foraging. the wolves as well, so why not us? no one robbed you, dog. You just been good and foraged.

George R.R. Martin

If you tell me the truth, the truth I’ll proclaim.If you tell me a lie, you’ll be fair game.

Belva Rae Staples

Kid Flash: Sorry. First time at the Hall. I'm a little overwhelmed.Robin: You're overwhelmed. Freeze was underwhelmed. Why isn't anyone just whelmed?

Young Justice

The good part about having a mental disorder is having a valid reason for all the stupid things we do because of a damaged prefrontal cortex. However, the best part is seeing someone completely sane do the exact same things, without a valid excuse. This is the great equalizer of God and his little gift for all us crazy people to enjoy.

Shannon L. Alder

She had a highly developed sense of humor which in some lights looked a bit like a sense of justice.

Catherynne M. Valente

Absolutely. Justice served with a side of pineapple. That's what I'm here for.

Intisar Khanani

I don't see any reason to let law interfere with justice around here. We never did before.

Sid Fleischman

As far as I'm concerned, the gator that ate T.C. deserves a medal from Crime Stoppers.

Carl Hiaasen

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing.

Criss Jami

Justice shall be mixed with mercy. You shall not always be an Ass.

C.S. Lewis

His experience was that Justice was rarely as just as it ought to be. The others agreed.

Jonas Jonasson

I wish you would thrash him. He deserves it."She looked back at him. "I will one day, sir. I'm getting tired of falling down.

Tamora Pierce

Never before have the tools of value creation been so great and the potential artisans so busy watching the Kardashians.

Ryan Lilly

I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I've ever known.

Dave Barry

My name is Matt Besser, and I'm an Arkansas Razorback. My father is a Jew from Little Rock, Ark., my mother was a Christian from Harrison, Ark., and somehow I'm an atheist now living in L.A. I am a Razorback living in the Razorback diaspora.

Matt Besser

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent

Tennessee Williams

I'm a born-again atheist.

Gore Vidal

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

Martin Amis

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman.

George Everett Macdonald

[On famous Nobel Laureate Niels Bohr][Niels] Bohr's sort of humor, use of parables and stories, tolerance, dependence on family, feelings of indebtedness, obligation, and guilt, and his sense of responsibility for science, community, and, ultimately, humankind in general, are common traits of the Jewish intellectual. So too is a well-fortified atheism. Bohr ended with no religious belief and a dislike of all religions that claimed to base their teachings on revelations.

Finn Aaserud

But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see?

Stephen Colbert

—Then, said Cranly, you do not intend to become a protestant?—I said that I had lost the faith, Stephen answered, but not that I had lost self-respect. What kind of liberation would that be to forsake an absurdity which is logical and coherent and to embrace one which is illogical and incoherent?

James Joyce

You know, people always talk about how Jesus came down to Earth as a human being. He became a human being, But no one ever takes into account what that means.

David Javerbaum

Evidence is of no longer consequence when hope enters the fray, and this is where faith is born—a seemingly abundant commodity certain powerful organizations feed on fervently, if not lavishly.

Justin Villanueva

He was an embittered atheist (the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike Him)...

George Orwell

There's almost always a church youth group at the soup kitchen. I have yet to see an atheists' youth group. Yeah, I know, religious people don't have a monopoly on doing good. I'm sure that there are many agnostics and atheists out there slinging mashed potatoes at other soup kitchens. I know the world is full of selfless secular gropus like Doctors without Borders. But I've got to say: It's a lot easier to do good if you put your faith in a book that requires you to do good.

A.J. Jacobs

God seemed to have become a brand, a packaging, and people purchase this trusted brand with such faith and devotion that they no longer care who the vendor is.

Justin Villanueva

Religion + Good Works = Good WorksSolve for Religion.

Dan Barker

God is Santa Claus for Grown-Ups.

Oliver Markus

The gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows.

Terry Pratchett

All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God.

Voltaire

I'm a Skeptic. And I'm a Journalist. I look up things in the library—a lot! I believe in the motto of Missouri, the 'Show-me, don't just blow me' state. I need evidence. I need demonstrations. I need show-and-tell. Even though I pray to God every once in a while, especially when I'm in trouble—which for most guys my age is every 28 days—I still think deeply about the issues and don't automatically jump to a religious or mystical answer to questions. I am, by nature, doubtful about the existence of God, and even whether He is a He or a Her. I don't believe in New Age stuff. For me, 'Past Life Regression' means not calling a girl after she gives me her phone number. Sure I own a lucky rabbit's foot, a lucky penny, a lucky 4-leaf clover and a lucky horeshoe [sic], and a pair of lucky underwear and several pairs of lucky socks that I only wash every seven days. But under it all I am a died–in-the-wool skeptic.

Earl Lee

Even though its common knowledge these days, it never ceases to amaze me that all the richness of our mental life - all our feelings, our emotions, our thoughts, our ambitions, our love life, our religious sentiments and even what each of us regards us his own intimate private self - is simply the activity of these little specks of jelly in your head, in your brain. There is nothing else.

V.S. Ramachandran

I MAY HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF SOME FLICKER OF EMOTION IN THE RECENT PAST, said Death, BUT I CAN GIVE IT UP ANY TIME I LIKE.

Terry Pratchett

Evelyn: There's nothing wrong with embracing one's emotions.Brittany: Mom, You don't just embrace your emotions, you make love to them hard-core.

Gena Showalter

I have discovered that the world over, unusual weather prevails at all times of the year.

Edgar Rice Burroughs

Ego is the world's worst narcotic

Mekael Shane

Humor relieves the tension between what we see or desire but repress in order to sustain a survivable illusion about the world we live in. As such it's always potent stuff, and dangerous.

Lynda Williams

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Humor Quotes - Page 73

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