Humor Quotes - Page 65

My whole life, you have made decisions for me.""Your whole life," Georgiana pointed out, "totals nine years.

Despite being what would now be called a deprived child in a one parent family, I did not grow up with an urge to smash windows or to bash old ladies over the head in order to steal handbags.

Eva Hart

For the first time I realized I could be more than a crawling little pile of bones and flesh in a onesie.

Sarah Lofgren

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

George Carlin

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

George Carlin

My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!

George Carlin

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

George Carlin

A calendar was hung in the kitchen as if to say: Expect more of the same.

Gary Lutz

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven't turned into monsters ourselves--survivor's guilt, that's called. And we feel a bit stupid that we didn't notice our own symptoms earlier. I mean, I'd been sort of wondering why the Atkins diet was giving me night vision. But that hadn't seemed like something to worry about...

Scott Westerfeld

Vampirism is not a contagious disease.

Alex Taylor

I’m coming, you impatient old coot! Keep your panties on!”-Skye yelling back to Hagan.

J.L. McCoy

No idea how you figured out the riddle, but you scooped the first prize. Congratulations. You've just won a vacation to a big, relaxing place called a grave.

Jayde Scott

I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people.

Scott Westerfeld

You haven't told her?" Cass shouted. "You're the worst boyfriend ever!

Jayde Scott

If I were pressed, I would admit that she was beautiful, in a dead bride sort of way.

Melika Dannese Lux

She is so tiresome. ‘Am I a vampire, am I a wolf, am I a vampire, am I a wolf, I cannot decide, so I’ll be both!

Melika Dannese Lux

Okay, okay, okay … go to your corners, boys. This is a nice Aubusson carpet you’re standing on. You get blood on it and I’ll have Fritz so far up my ass I’ll be coughing on his hankie.

J.R. Ward

How could I persuade the in-laws I was the right one for their daughter when, instead of focusing on small talk, all I could think about was not to kill them? I could only imagine what I'd say to the prospective in-laws, "Hello, it's a pleasure to eat, I mean, meet you.

Jayde Scott

This,” Alaric explained to Sarah in what he thought was a kindly voice, “isn’t love you’re feeling. Only dopamine. Because Felix isn’t like anyone else you know. Being a creature of the night, he’s new and exciting and activates a neurotransmitter in your brain that releases feelings of euphoria when you’re around him…especially because you know you can never actually be together, and he seems complicated, and perhaps even sensitive and vulnerable at times. But I can assure you: he’s anything but.”“How dare you?” Sarah demanded hotly. “It isn’t dopa…whatever! It’s love! Love!

Meg Cabot

As the middle child of the Laurel Canyon Adams Family, Whit was surprisingly chill on the subject of ampire-vays.

M. Beth Bloom

I thought she wanted out. We should've brought cuffs and a gag." Clare frowned. "What's wrong with you, Blake? This is a rescue mission, not a kidnapping.

Jayde Scott

Vampire politics make the very complicated dance of manners that is werewolf protocol look like the Hokey Pokey.

Patricia Briggs

The newly developed snarky side of my personality wanted to tell him 'There's no crying in vamp battles.

Robyn Jones

Then again, in some of our meetings, the Upyri bring cocktails, shaking both cocks and tails. Bitches. You can't live with them, they can't live without you. It's a lose-lose situation.

Yannis Karatsioris

I think that there should have been some nice wumpires," said my sister, wistfully. "Nice, handsome, misunderstood wumpires.""There were not," said my father.

Neil Gaiman

Kaien Cross: You both entered the room in the same pose! Ooh! If Yuki had seen it, she'd have been so happy! The mystique!Ichiru: Zero, is he always like this?Zero: Yeah...he doesn't act anything like his "former self" now...why're you sticking to me?Ichiru: Because you hate it when I do it (I'm being a pest).Zero(to Cross): Hey. Don't take a photo.Kaien Cross (thinking): The Kiryus really are twins.

Matsuri Hino

Yuki (in a standoff with Zero): We're going to stay like this until vol. 10? Why...don't we sit down...Zero?Zero: I can't. If I sit down, I won't be able to get up again. (I've reached my limits in many ways).Yuki: Well, I'm going to sit...

Matsuri Hino

If it was appropriate to judge a person based on her footwear - and it obviously was - I decided I liked her immediately.

Chloe Neill

Snug pants, bandeau-type corset, and trim, motorcycle jacket. It was a fabulous outfit, but it was so urban-fantasy book cover

Chloe Neill

The second time, I had a freakin’ vampire at my back.” I froze. Oh shit. “No offense, Mr. Moreau,” I quickly added.“None taken, Agent Fraser. During the course of my lengthy life, I have been called many things, but ‘freakin’’ has never been one of them. I’ll consider it a novelty.

Lisa Shearin

No. I don’t give that number out to every Tom, Dick and Dracula,” Morgan muttered.

Michelle Rabe

I wanted to get you flowers but none of the flower shops are open at this hour. I checked six all-night variety stores before finding any at all and this was the best of the-""They're lovely," Rachel interrupted as she took the flowers. Limp and sad-looking as they were, they truly were lovely to Rachel. They represented hope, and she accepted them gladly, offering a shy smile as she lifted them to her face and sniffed the delicate bouquet of- "Salami?"They were kept in the deli fridge," he muttered, looking embarrassed.

Lynsay Sands

Mad cow disease? A crazy hunger for blood. There had to be a reasonable explanation for all of this. And there's no such thing as vampires, right?

Alisha Costanzo

Bard eyed him like he was manure on her shoes at the same time she did things, like sharpen a wooden stake, something she knew didn't work on him, but that was not her point, even if she was making one.

Kristen Ashley

Oh hell no,” he exclaimed, shaking his head. “I’m not playing Buffy the goddamn Vampire Slayer with you.

D.L. Wainright

Alas, my being the James Bond of vampires isn't the whole issue. Vanity must wait.

Anne Rice

For every ten vampires who are happy being monsters, there's always one sad-sack who misses the sunrise.

Tori Centanni

Vampyre refers to a corpse that has returned from the dead to drink the blood of the living. Similar creatures were said to haunt the rural villages of nearly every Slavic nation. Not surprisingly, each culture gave their monster its own name (e.g., vukodlak in Serbia, strigoii in Romania, eretika in Russia, insurance salesman in…well, never mind).

Bill Schutt

Yes,” Bernarde quipped, “Deal with me, Jean Luc. Come and dance with the night, brother. Let us battle ‘till the sun turns us to ash.

Katerina Martinez

You always were a strange child, Alexander," he said, "but vampires? I can't believe it."I shrugged."Well, now you know where I get my biting sense of humor," I said weakly.

Isabelle Glass

Great googly-moogly, I needed to stay away from this vampire.

K.F. Breene

The Boogeyman,' he said, just to be sure. 'The Boogeyman killed an employee of the President of the United States.'The president nodded.Some days, Zach thought, I really hate this job.

Christopher Farnsworth

Come on, it is a guest bedroom! If you want your guests to feel at home, they should be allowed to do whatever they do at home!

Daniele Lanzarotta

You let me handle Marius," I said. "Now, you didn't come without you dagger.""No, I did not," he said, lifting his cloak to reveal it, "And with your permission I would like to plunge it through my heart now so I will most assuredly stone-cold dead before the Master of this house arrives home to find you runnning rampant in his garden!""Permission denied.

Anne Rice

Did they look like psychos? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them - I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!

Seth Gecko

Freedom was a foot away when they turned back to me. The one who kept speaking, a tall vamp with a handsome curly-haired glamour, shook his head. "Sorry." He bared his fangs in an apologetic grin. "We're glad you aren't what's hunting us, but we're no friends of IPCA. And we're all very, very, thirsty.""What, no flirting?" I asked, trying to buy time. "Aren't you going to at least try to be sexy? Think of all those vampire fans out there--they'd be so disappointed." I pulled out my silver knife. Probably should have paid more attention during my knife training. "Tell you what. Let me go and I promise not to tell anyone that you aren't suave.

Kiersten White

Something you killed didn't stay dead? Wow. That must have really put some termites in your coffin.

Christopher Farnsworth

Yes you can let a guy bite you but not on the first date! he has to pay for dinner ! But you can bite him on the first date at no cost that is quite normal

Amy Mah

Teagan: How long has it been since you read a book that didn’t havevampires in it?Abby: They write books with no vampires? Wait...the penguins made us read that Shakesrear guy, right?Teagan: Shakespeare.

Kersten Hamilton

Nosferatu is the daddy of modern American sex.

Andrei Codrescu

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit.

Richard Pryor

Because we don't really sparkle.

John G. Hartness

You may stay. But Jessica, please watch what you say and do. Don't look them in the eyes for long. Speak only when spoken to. Yes, sir; yes, ma'am.""Sit up. Arf," I teased."What about her?" Jessica cried, pointing in my general direction. "She's more in need of an etiquette lesson than I am.""Yeah," I said, "but I'm the Queen. With a capital fucking Q. Hey, you're looking me in the eyes for too long! Eric, make her stop!

MaryJanice Davidson

I know it's practical for career women, but sneakers with suits? Jesus couldn't possibly weep harder than I did.

MaryJanice Davidson

Why go for something cold and dead, when you can have something hot and panting?

K.R. Smith

Cops, I've learned, are like vampires; they can't come in unless you invite them.

Jessica Warman

So crosses don't do anything against your kind?" Sean asked."No," Arland said. "There is no mystical force repelling us.""Then why?""We're forbidden to kill a creature in a moment of prayer or invocation of their deity. Well, we can, technically, but you have to do penance and purify yourself and nobody wants to spend weeks praying and bathing themselves in the sacred cave springs. The water's only a fraction warmer than ice. When one of you holds up a cross, it's difficult to determine whether you're praying, invoking, or just waving it around. So the sane strategy is to back away.

Ilona Andrews

Carlos: So, what, were they psychos, or... Seth: Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!

Quentin Tarantino

Being the evil undead wasn't fun anymore. For one thing, it was increasingly hard to get a library card.

Sharon Ashwood

That creature's staying?' It figured. Her daughter-in-law transforming into an animal? No problem. Having to take care of a cat? Crisis. (Sydney Sage-Ivashkov)

Richelle Mead

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Humor Quotes - Page 65

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