Humor Quotes - Page 62

Now, as a non-Amish person in the twentieth century who is not a part of the aging and thus noncoveted seventy-five-plus marketing demographic that views things like cell phones and iPads with that quaint, old-people mixture of astonishment, fascination, confusion, and abject fear, I spend as much time pawing my cell phone as members of the postpubescent marketing demographic spend pawing each other and themselves.

BikeSnobNYC

It happens to us all. We drink too much, take one too many hits of acid, proposition the wrong prostitute and end up by the side of some freeway, disheveled and disoriented.

Kenyon Ledford

What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a “modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.

Dave Barry

Technology is too crazy for me, but I would be very happy when they make phone that can cook.

Patricia Dunn

Way to defuse a situation. It's tough to enjoy a good bloodbath in the middle of a PowerPoint presentation.

Nina Bangs

Could we can have developer acceptance criteria?

ahkeno

we are writing our own ‪#‎karma‬! I mean my test cases

ahkeno

Wow. Whoops. Sorry. ... I just lost two hours inside a YouTube kitten warp.

Douglas Coupland

Just because he might not know the difference between a spanner and a hammer, didn’t mean a good dose of Heroic kicking wouldn’t solve the same problem.

Jim Dyar

We want to empower the doctors and patients to get all the other assholes out of the way,' Clark had once told me, then laughed. 'Except for us. One asshole in the middle.

Michael Lewis

Try to imagine the calamity of that: Zack, age twenty-eight, with no management experience, gets training from Dave, a weekend rock guitarist, on how to apply a set of fundamentally unsound psychological principles as a way to manipulate the people who report to him.

Dan Lyons

Yes, you are a battery.

Benjamin H. Bratton

Email is the scourge of our age,' said Silvia. 'Email and cancer.

Olivia Sudjic

Necessity used to be the mother of invention, but then we ran out of things that were necessary.

Chuck Klosterman

Forget UNIX - it will be gone in 5 years.

Tom Jermoluk

Whatever happens, we have gotThe Maxim gun, and they have not.

Hilaire Belloc

Computers are heaven-sent when they work and hell-spawn when they don't.There's just not much middle ground when it comes to technology.

Dani Harper

Twittering just seemed to be people telling other people what they were doing--getting in the shower, making coffee. Who on earth wanted to know these things?...Babble and twitter. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Kate Atkinson

New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes--what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear those beeping noises? That's the ATM saying, "Stop it, you're hurting me." A chicken would have gotten forty bucks out of that thing by now just by pecking the buttons randomly.

Bill Maher

Hi there," squeaked a precocious little voice, "you are speaking to Chloe Fusakawa, and I have just learned how to answer the phone.

Gabrielle Zevin

TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Ambrose Bierce

The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.

Karl Marx

Do you remember what I forgot?

Erica Goros

It’s been my experience that people always assume that generalized anxiety disorder is preferable to social anxiety disorder, because it sounds more vague and unthreatening, but those people are totally wrong. For me, having generalized anxiety disorder is basically like having all of the other anxiety disorders smooshed into one. Even the ones that aren’t recognized by modern science. Things like birds-will-probably-smother-me-in-my-sleep anxiety disorder and I-keep-crackers-in-my-pocket-in-case-I-get-trapped-in-an-elevator anxiety disorder. Basically I’m just generally anxious about f***ing everything. In fact, I suspect that’s how they came up with the name.

Jenny Lawson

When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up.

Daria Snadowsky

What I find predictable is crazy people's ability to predict that unpredictable people can be predicted by their consistent unpredictable behavior, thus making all crazy people predictable when the world says they are unpredictable. Therefore, I must be “right” because I can predict crazy because I have been trained in the unpredictable nature of consistent craziness because I am crazy.

Shannon L. Alder

Procrastination is the lazy cousin of fear.When we feel anxiety around an activity, we postpone it.

Noelle Hancock

At first, sending the confession by real mail had felt like a genius device. I would not have to sit by my phone and watch for the signs that indicated it had been sent and seen. Slim but solid paper would, I hoped, convey me better. Now I had to consider the very real frailties of the system. Ludicrous, in fact, to entrust something of such magnitude to a mailman. A perfect stranger. I looked up stories of nefarious New York mailmen. There was one who has willfully upturned the lives of ordinary people like myself by hoarding 40,000 pieces of undelivered mail. The city was crawling with thieves and malcontents.

Olivia Sudjic

I have a pretty good handle on my anxiety. I basically treat myself like a nervy horse: lots of exercise, lots of sleep, lots of interesting work to keep my mind occupied, and generally avoiding being ridden hard by strangers.

Caitlin Moran

I think you're crazy good at this survival stuff, Cary."His shoulders sag. He gives me a small, relieved smile and we start walking again, his step a little lighter than it was before. It feels strange to have that kind of power over someone."I mean, you're crazy good at it for a stoner who couldn't seem to get his shit together academically at all," I add.

Courtney Summers

Mom stood over the still thrashing ghost with the bat and brought it down on its head again and again. "Leave him alone, leave my family alone!" she screamed. "We are not going to die in a stupid gas station in the middle of nowhere!

C.A. Marshall

As a journalist, I am compelled to know the answers.""As a girl, I am compelled to protect what's left of my manicure," Petra said.

Libba Bray

It criticizes me,but my 2nd quest give me deserve a second chance but it is my own survival,My friend.

Kurt Reiner Suarez

Louie was furious at the sharks. He had thought that they had an understanding:The men would stay out of the sharks' turf - the water - and the sharks would stay off of theirs - the raft. That the sharks had taken shots at him when he had gone overboard, and when the raft had been mostly submerged after the strafing, had seemed fair enough. But their attempt to poach men from their reinflated raft struck Louie as dirty pool. He stewed all night, scowled hatefully at the sharks all day, and eventually made a decision. if the sharks were going to try to eat him, he was going to try to eat them.

Laura Hillenbrand

Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.

Stephen Hawking

So does anyone have a good survival strategy, or is there no hope for getting out of this nightmare?’ asks the Colonel.‘We came up with a big, fat zero. I don’t know how we’re going to survive the blood hunt,’ says Dee.‘That wasn’t the nightmare I was referring to,’ says the Colonel. ‘Death by stupid comments is what I was talking about.

Susan Ee

Life is mean! Don't lose your humour jacket. You'll really need it.

Nike Thaddeus

You can survive up to three weeks without food. You can only survive for three days without water. No one knows how many days you can survive without caffeine.

Andrew Shaffer

Coffee first. Save the world later.

Caroline George

She had never really listened to anyone in her life; which, some said, was why she had survived.

G.K. Chesterton

See, they say it’s ‘survival of the fittest’, but you and I really know that it’s ‘survival of the most heavily armed

Lia Habel

I remembered my little brother, Allyn, had appeared so innocent and angelic when he slept--similar to Kerrick. It must be a survival tactic. If Allyn hadn't looked so sweet, we would have killed him while he slept. He had been pure evil when he was awake--similar to Kerrick.

Maria V. Snyder

Of course, you didn't want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intact.

Maria V. Snyder

...killing Dirk, killing anybody, was not going to change anything apart from Francisco's f***ing ego, which was already large enough to house the world's poor twice over, with a few million bourgeoisie in the spare-room.

Hugh Laurie

You bruised my ego, you see, and there’s just not enough money in the world to soothe my ego when it gets bruised

Jennifer Estep

Huxley: "Tell me something Bryce, do you know the difference between a Jersey, a Guernsey, a Holstein, and an Ayershire?"Bryce: "No."Huxley: "Seabags Brown does."Bryce: "I don't see what that has to do..."Huxley: "What do you know about Gaelic history?"Bryce: "Not much."Huxley: "Then why don't you sit down one day with Gunner McQuade. He is an expert. Speaks the language, too."Bryce: "I don't..."Huxley: " What do you know about astronomy?"Bryce: "A little."Huxley: "Discuss it with Wellman, he held a fellowship." Bryce: "This is most puzzling."Huxley: "What about Homer, ever read Homer?"Bryce: "Of course I've read Homer."Huxley: "In the original Greek?"Bryce: "No"Huxley: "Then chat with Pfc. Hodgkiss. Loves to read the ancient Greek."Bryce: "Would you kindly get to the point?"Huxley: "The point is this, Bryce. What makes you think you are so goddam superior? Who gave you the bright idea that you had a corner on the world's knowledge? There are privates in this battalion who can piss more brains down a slit trench then you'll ever have. You're the most pretentious, egotistical individual I've ever encountered. Your superiority complex reeks. I've seen the way you treat men, like a big strutting peacock. Why, you've had them do everything but wipe your ass.

Leon Uris

You know, most men would get discouraged by now. Fortunately for you, I am not most men!

PePe Le Pew

All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.

Joseph Heller

I slowly climbed the porch steps while wondering, what exactly did Elias know about my life in London; what precisely was wrong with his mind...And what was the heaviest item in my bag.

Jonathan Friesen

His eyes passed over the solid shapes of the instruments and computers that lined the bridge. They winked away innocently at him. He stared out at the stars, but none of them said a word.

Douglas Adams

Let me give you a wonderful Zen practice. Wake up in the morning...look in the mirror, and laugh at yourself.

Bernie Glassman

Christianity and Buddhism are very much alike, especially Buddhism.

G.K. Chesterton

Long before man traveled into space, rabbis debated how one would observe Shabbat there-not because they anticipated space travel but because Buddhists strive to live with questions and Jews would rather die.

Jonathan Safran Foer

Her smile was like a Samuel Beckett play - easy to read but difficult to interpret.

Bob Smith

There was a rare quality about Nurse Grace’s smile. It was the knowledge that sooner or later her smile would inspire some witty observer to say something around the lines of, “Every time you do this, an angel farts”.

Sorin Suciu

One of the perils of life is to be asked a question which the wisest of them cannot answer. But a smile does the job.

R.N. Prasher

The question isn't who will be with me in life, rather how will I create the ending I am proud of?

Shannon L. Alder

Sometimes you can't agree with people because you would both be wrong.

Shannon L. Alder

I've been thinking", Jules saidNever a good thing I thought

Kasie West

He wondered if it was safe to grin. Very slowly and carefully, he grinned. It was safe.

Douglas Adams

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Humor Quotes - Page 62

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