Humor Quotes - Page 48

Lea, you know you should never have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

The mole dug its way deep, deep down, under the foundations of the wall. No magical alarm sounded, though I did hit my head five times on a pebble.Once each on five different pebbles. Not the same pebble five times. Just want to make that clear. Sometimes you human beings are so dense.

Jonathan Stroud

You could heal him?" I asked, glancing at Hal."Could," said the wysling, "but won't, until I get what's

Mirriam Neal

You can't have a heart attack and leave me an orphan. You know I'd just blow all our money on drugs and rock'n'roll.""All the best heroes are orphans," Dad said. "You'd be in good company, if you went on a quest or something." He looked at the other girls. "You're not orphans, are you?""Not me," they both answered."You'll never amount to anything....

Robison Wells

Why fall? Let's rise in love together; and while we're at it, let's come up with lamer quotations.

Ahmed Mostafa

Son-- "We don't need ladders, we have obsidian, bro."Mommy's thoughts-- "............................... .......fucking minecraft

Mel Brown

it's a losing battle at this point,but so was the alamo

Mary Elizabeth Summer

As I grabbed my cocoa, chocolate ran down my hand."This makes me feel like a five-year-old," I said, licking it off."If I ordered a sandwich at this place, do you think they'd cut the crusts off?

Mindi Scott

I sighed and deleted the message, imagining the dirty clothes multiplying like rabbits, because that’s what they do when I’m not around.

Alex Owens

Abby wouldn't want you to suffer because of some jerk that kidnapped her. She would want you to go on your trip so that she would have fun torturing you for not being a puddle on the ground with a box of tissues and an empty gallon of ice cream by your side. Then afterwards to hit you for thinking she was seriously hoping you would be doing that.

Ottilie Weber

Wes sat in a cracked vinyl booth picking at his fries and listening to Amanda go on and on about the dress she'd found. '...and it has these little lavender bows. Oh, Wes, I can't wait 'til you see it.' She gesticulated wildly, and her only saving grace right now was her amazing rack that swayed and bounced with each movement. Sometimes he swore that was the only reason he ever looked crosswise at Amanda Price. That, and her daddy's checkbook. 'And I found these shoes--" 'Uh huh, that's nice,' he cut her off and slid free from the booth. He held out his hand. 'Got the card?' He waved the bill in the air at her questioning gaze. Was she a little cross-eyed, maybe? He thought so.

Brandi Salazar

Hi! I'm Ethan, I shop at Ikea. I bought a $300 dining suite and it took me three days to assemble!

Douglas Coupland

A demigod?” I repeated like I’d just learned to speak a few seconds ago. “A real, live demigod?”“Opposed to a fake, dead one?” He chuckled, proud of himself, and then sighed when my eyes narrowed on him. “You used to have a sense of humor, Seth.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

I can give you two words," I tell him. "The second is off. Can you guess the first?

Darren Shan

Poetry is a disease vector. Like malaria.

Katie Douglas

I'll only go if there's cake.~Tobias "Four

Veronica Roth

And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies.-Haymitch Abernathy

Suzanne Collins

It was stealing her breath, imbecile. Go get a towel." -Christophe, Strange Angels by Lili St. Crow

Lilith Saintcrow

When all else fails...try smoking a good cigar and have a stiff drink. If that doesn't work...have another.

Timothy Pina

Sophie coughed, and Oliver felt his cheeks becoming warm. “Don’t be an ass, Andrew.” “That’s a little bit difficult to accomplish, y’know?” Andrew replied. “I mean, if you had been so kind as to paint me with black and white stripes, I would’ve been a zebra!

Zeinab Alayan

Well, what do you want me to do? Head butt my way through a few inches of steel?!” she snarled.“Well, that would certainly earn you a cookie!

S.L.J. Shortt

I used to be a mddle-of-the-road kid, but now with my freaky looks I'm definately an outsider. Hooray.

Evan Kuhlman

Aww, did we masturbate through the tears last night?

Kresley Cole

his mind's like Alcatraz. once something's in, it never gets out

Mary Elizabeth Summer

Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard... -George Foster

Shawn Durnin

The standard clauses of the American dream only included two weeks of vacation a year.

Jeff Deck

Kei: Is there anything else you need while I'm here, Your Highness?Cabot: No, but you can leave the sarcasm in there.

Stefne Miller

Miss Prendregast!” He rapped on his desk with his knuckles. “You were never in any danger!”“Except from the wild animals.”His lids swept down as if he needed a reprieve from looking at her. “Alert me if you’re attacked by a rabbit.

Christina Dodd

I'd tell you nice try, but... it wasn't.

Cynder

Desjani pulled out a ration bar. 'Hungry?' she asked Geary.'I had something earlier. Is that a Yanika Babiya?''No. It’s . . .' She squinted at the label. 'Spicy chicken curry.''A chicken curry ration bar? How are they?'Taking a small bite, Desjani chewed slowly, pretending not to be aware that everyone on the bridge was watching her instead of staring at the representation of the alien hypernet gate. 'It’s definitely got curry in it. Spicy, not so much. Some of the other stuff tastes like chicken.''That doesn’t narrow it down too much, does it?' Geary said.'Every kind of meat in a ration bar tastes like chicken, Captain,' Lieutenant Castries suggested. 'Except the chicken.''You’re right, Lieutenant,' Desjani said. 'Real chicken in ration bars tastes like, what, mutton?''Ham,' Yuon tossed in. 'Bad ham.''So this can’t be chicken because it tastes like chicken,' Desjani concluded.

Jack Campbell

She's my best friend, and I know she means well, but as she talks I'm mentally calculating all the ways I could silence her. I'm bigger than her... I wonder if I could use my straw for some sort of MacGyver inspired weapon.

Steph Campbell

Great,' I said. 'Visit exotic Australia. Get bitten by an exotic snake. Die exotically.

Steven Gould

I couldn't help thinkin' if she was as far out o' town as she was out o' tune, she wouldn't get back in a day.

Sarah Orne Jewett

I'm working from the assumption it's going to go horribly wrong. If we get out of here with limbs intact and no aspen slivers in uncomfortable places, we're calling it a win."Merit/Jonah

Chloe Neill

I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about PRINCESS.” He tilted his head and half curtseyed when he said the last word.“That! That is what I am talking about. Since we ran into the others you have been cold and more arrogant than usual.” She kept her voice low so the others would not hear.“Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant

B.C. Morin

I hope you're not smoking in front of her,' Lucia says to him.'Yeah, I lie in bed and puff in her face, Lucia,' he says, irritated.

Melina Marchetta

people don't generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something

Mary Elizabeth Summer

To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished.

Jonathan Stroud

Who the hell calls at two in the morning?""Maybe it's Matt Wilde, confessing his love," Lindsay says."Very funny,

Lauren Oliver

You can't drive them around in the getaway van.' 'How about we don't call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.' 'So what should we call it?' 'How about the van?' 'It doesn't change what it is and that it's a shitty thing to do. Someone might see them in it.

Cath Crowley

You want me to spy on a National Colour operative?''Wow,' she said, 'you got it. I thought I was going to have to explain that one for a lot longer.

Jasper Fforde

If you didn't have me to rake you over the coals now and then, there wouldn't be any fire in your life at all.

Joe Hill

Coincidences are like unicorns.you can believe in them all you want,but that doesn't make them real

Mary Elizabeth Summer

Alessa looked at Brennus giving him a smirk.“Brennus.”“Alessa.”“Still think that you are the God’s gift to all faeries?”“Still trying to convince yourself that I am not?” Brennus responded smirking arrogantly and leaning back in his chair.

B.C. Morin

You’d really give up your big, swanky apartment?”“If you don’t want to move in there with me, yes.”“But you love your apartment.”“I love you more, dumb ass.

Suzanne Wright

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, "That'd better be your gun." "Why yes, I always pack my gun where it'll blow my balls off."[Landon]

Patrice Michelle

Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!

George Carlin

...Though drowned was just as dead as any other way of dying.

Mercedes Lackey

...Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes.

Elizabeth Peters

Time for the likeliest story since Mary told Joseph it was God’s.

Val McDermid

I’m not bipolar, I’ve just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.

Daniel O'Malley

Forgive me, Your Grace. Are you suggesting a woman is some sort of … piece of fruit to you? One squeeze, and you know if she’s ripe?

Tessa Dare

... We are Nephilim; we fight our own battles." "That's not precisely true, is it?" said a velvety voice. It was Magnus Bane, wearing a long and glittering coat, multiple hoops in his ears, and a roguish expression. Clary had no idea where he'd come from. "You lot have used the help of warlocks on more than one occasion in the past, and paid handsomely for it too." Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane." "They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down." "Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed." Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.

Cassandra Clare

What - what - what are you doing?" he demanded."I am almost six hundred years old," Magnus claimed, and Ragnor snorted, since Magnus changed his age to suit himself every few weeks. Magnus swept on. "It does seem about time to learn a musical instrument." He flourished his new prize, a little stringed instrument that looked like a cousin of the lute that the lute was embarrassed to be related to. "It's called a charango. I am planning to become a charanguista!""I wouldn't call that an instrument of music," Ragnor observed sourly. "An instrument of torture, perhaps."Magnus cradled the charango in his arms as if it were an easily offended baby. "It's a beautiful and very unique instrument! The sound box is made from an armadillo. Well, a dried armadillo shell.""That explains the sound you're making," said Ragnor. "Like a lost, hungry armadillo.""You are just jealous," Magnus remarked calmly. "Because you do not have the soul of a true artiste like myself.""Oh, I am positively green with envy," Ragnor snapped."Come now, Ragnor. That's not fair," said Magnus. "You know I love it when you make jokes about your complexion."Magnus refused to be affected by Ragnor's cruel judgments. He regarded his fellow warlock with a lofty stare of superb indifference, raised his charango, and began to play again his defiant, beautiful tune.They both heard the staccato thump of frantically running feet from within the house, the swish of skirts, and then Catarina came rushing out into the courtyard. Her white hair was falling loose about her shoulders, and her face was the picture of alarm."Magnus, Ragnor, I heard a cat making a most unearthly noise," she exclaimed. "From the sound of it, the poor creature must be direly sick. You have to help me find it!"Ragnor immediately collapsed with hysterical laughter on his windowsill. Magnus stared at Catarina for a moment, until he saw her lips twitch."You are conspiring against me and my art," he declared. "You are a pack of conspirators."He began to play again. Catarina stopped him by putting a hand on his arm."No, but seriously, Magnus," she said. "That noise is appalling."Magnus sighed. "Every warlock's a critic.""Why are you doing this?""I have already explained myself to Ragnor. I wish to become proficient with a musical instrument. I have decided to devote myself to the art of the charanguista, and I wish to hear no more petty objections.""If we are all making lists of things we wish to hear no more . . . ," Ragnor murmured.Catarina, however, was smiling."I see," she said."Madam, you do not see.""I do. I see it all most clearly," Catarina assured him. "What is her name?""I resent your implication," Magnus said. "There is no woman in the case. I am married to my music!""Oh, all right," Catarina said. "What's his name, then?"His name was Imasu Morales, and he was gorgeous.

Cassandra Clare

The Amulet of Samarkand. It was Simon Lovelace's. Now it is yours. Soon it will be Simon Lovelace's again. Take it and enjoy the consequences.

Jonathan Stroud

How can she create with all your negative energy?""Yeah, man. You're bringing us down.""This is about as low as it gets," Ariel said. "Where did you get those ridiculous black berets?"Moth adjusted his recently donned beatnik attire. "This is what the hip cats wear , daddy-o.""Can you dig it?" Cobweb stroked a few wisps of fake chin hair, while the others nodded and snapped their fingers.

Lisa Mantchev

Just remember that you're on my list, Marcone. Soon as I get done with all the other evils in this town, you won't be the lesser of them anymore."Marcone stared at me with half-lidded eyes and said, "Eek.

Jim Butcher

Nobody liked my plan."You want us to split up?" Chase asked, his brow wrinkling in obvious bewilderment.Lake echoed the sentiment, her voice flat. "Why would we split up? There's four of us and one of him." After a brief moment's pause, she amended her head count to better reflect the real odds. "Three and a half of us, one of him."Three and a half, as in three werewolves, one human. I narrowed my eyes. "For your sake, Lake, I'm going to pretend that Devon is the half."Dev, unquestionably the strongest person in the room, just shrugged and let me keep my delusions. "It's because of my petite stature," he said. All 6'4" of him.

Jennifer Lynn Barnes

He seemed only ... annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot. "Yeah, well," he said, "the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn't really exist, leave a note.

Cassandra Clare

Could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.

Kristin Cashore

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Humor Quotes - Page 48

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