Humor Quotes - Page 45

Besides, there's nobody who is going to watch your back better than me. You know that. And that's why I'm going to be there with you, whenever there is, whenever you ask, and as long as I'm able, he said. It's what fathers do.Most father's don't show up with hand grenades and bowie knives.They should be ashamed of themselves, Jake said.

Janet Evanovich

Princess, the contents of your shoe closet would break the budgets of a lot of third world countries - Jake Malone

Mackenzie Crowne

Cal opened another cabinet and removed a bottle of anti-inflammatory tablets, placing them on the table in front of her along with the ice pack he snagged from the freezer.She glanced at him, suspicious. “What’s this?” “The drug I offer to all of my victims to make them more compliant. It’s ibuprofen,” he said when she glared at him. “It’ll help with the pain and hopefully keep the swelling down. As will the ice. Do you need help taking your boots off?”“So that it’ll be more difficult for me to run away when you bring out your collection of shrunken human heads?”“Now you’re catching on.

Lisa Clark O'Neill

We all have our handicaps. You're not mine.

Kelly Moran

He could be doing quantum physics in his head or undressing her in his mind—she’d never know the difference.

Kelly Moran

He didn’t know what was hotter, her Star Wars reference or the breathiness with which she spoke it.

Kelly Moran

E.L. James. Best damn author of our time, if you ask me. She really nailed it with that tampon scene. Pure enlightenment.

Christina Elle

Leave it to you to find a legal way to do something illegal (Candler)

Diana Palmer

She’s drunk dialing contractors ” Chloe said to Tara. “Someone should stop her.

Jill Shalvis

Because sometimes in life, Ken didn't always choose Barbie. (Jane Alcott)

Rachel Gibson

They didn't just live with secrets. Secrecy surrounded their entire lives.

Anthony Horowitz

No. No more surprises. No more secrets. Or so help me, I will rip off your own leg and beat you with it.

Lia Habel

Why, if you only knew the secrets to which I'm p

Brandon Sanderson

But the aspect of secrets is they leak out. If they didn't leak, they wouldn't be interesting.

CLAMP

First, I'm not getting married, so you can forget the wife. Second, if I was insane enough to get married, I wouldn't have kids. Third, if I was insane enough to get married and have kids, it would be a cold day in hell I'd let you babysit.

Jennifer Crusie

It’s a bit burned,” my mother would say apologetically at every meal, presenting you with a piece of meat that looked like something — a much-loved pet perhaps — salvaged from a tragic house fire. “But I think I scraped off most of the burned part,” she would add, overlooking that this included every bit of it that had once been flesh. Happily, all this suited my father. His palate only responded to two tastes - burned and ice cream — so everything suited him so long as it was sufficiently dark and not too startlingly flavorful. Theirs truly was a marriage made in heaven, for no one could burn food like my mother or eat it like my dad.

Bill Bryson

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.

Chelsea Handler

You can't blame her,' said Amit. 'After a life so full of tragedy anyone would become hard.''What tragedy?' asked Mrs. Chatterji.'Well, when she was four,' said Amit, 'her mother slapped her--it was quite traumatic--and then things went on in that vein. When she was twelve she came in second in an exam...It hardens you.

Vikram Seth

Of course, to be fair, that was a parent's job. The world was so full of sharp bends that if they didn't put a few twists in you, you wouldn't stand a chance of fitting in.

Terry Pratchett

She started dialing his cell, then hung up and tried the landline -- maybe Margaret was a better bet to pick up; their parents' generation still felt morally obligated to answer phones.

Rainbow Rowell

I'm sure my parents must be proud. Or horrified. Or are bitterly arguing about whether they're proud or horrified, and have already hired lawyers to resolve the dispute. -Hayden Upchurch

Neal Shusterman

Leave Dad alone" I told Aislinn. "His Britishness is sort-circuiting.

Rachel Hawkins

You're being parental', I said. 'Go find that squid'.

Daryl Gregory

The next my parents and Brianna come rollin' up in here, I'm gonna scream, "Hey! Why don't y'all just MOVE IN?!

Rachel Renée Russell

It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

Jenny Lawson

The saddest realization I’ve had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment.

Amy Schumer

Nightmares did come true. Because, after her second night of major loving with the man of her dreams, the absolute last person she ever wanted to see was her mother. Yet there she was, her small, hefty frame trundling up the stairs to Maira’s front door.She was so frozen with horror, she couldn’t move until she heard the doorbell ring.Don’t answer it. Maybe she’ll go away.Well, that was just stupid.

Alisha Rai

Mom and Dad exchange a nervous glance and have a telepathic conversation about it. I hear every word. Do we let her out? It's past curfew. True, but look at that—at least she asked! I know! I can hardly believe it! She could have sneaked out, but she asked! I know! We're good parents! "What time will you be back?" Dad asks.

Courtney Summers

There’s no winning arguments with your parents, so why get all pumped up over them? It is way better to dive down and get out of the way than it is to get clobbered by some parental tidal wave.

Wendelin Van Draanen

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

Woody Allen

Eventually, I manage to cheer Mum up by allowing her to go through my wardrobe and criticize all my clothes...

Helen Fielding

Clarity and focus doesn’t always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you.

Shannon L. Alder

It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion".

Jordan Sonnenblick

For some reason when I type the word "love" in my iPad it keeps autocorrecting to "live". I find it oddly profound. My ipad IS. My iPad is ZEN: “Only the iPad that autocorrects can write the true thing.

Annastacia Dickerson

The supernatural world was like an onion. You peel back the layers, only to find more layers, on and on, hopelessly trying to reach the mysterious core. Then you start crying.

Carrie Vaughn

Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

Ellen DeGeneres

...I think we should find some kind of shelter; a cave or something.""I don't want to do that! What if there's like, a creature living in the cave?" Tiara said. "Seriously, I saw this show once where these people were stranded on an island and there were these other people who were sort of crazy-slash-bad and there was this polar bear creature running around.""What happened?" Miss Ohio asked."I don't know. My parents got divorced in the middle of season two and we lost our TiVo.

Libba Bray

Must you always speak with so many pop culture references?""I must, yes, but no one's making pop culture anymore, so I'm starting to feel dated. I haven't seen a new movie in two years. And you know what else I just realized?"The doctor stared a

Peter Clines

The quickest way to get over something you loved and lost is to get another one.

Karen Tenerowicz

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Billy Connolly

After I returned to New Jersey, I thought I was safe, because I did not think Kenny G could leave the bad place, which I realize is silly now - because Kenny G is extremely talented and resourceful and a powerful force to be reckoned with.

Matthew Quick

My therapist told me that I over-analyze everything. I explained to him that he only thinks this because of his unhappy relationship with his mother.

Michelle Templet

And then I realized that my sister was trying to LIVE a romance novel. Man, that takes courage and imagination. Well, it also took some degree of mental illness, too, but I was suddenly happy for her. And a little scared. Well, a lot scared.

Sherman Alexie

I’m afraid to see a psychiatrist about the voices in my head. She might know who they are.

Stanley Victor Paskavich

The voices in my head that tell the other voices what to do are mean.

Stanley Victor Paskavich

I've accepted the fact I have mental illness but when my imaginary friends start calling me crazy that's where I draw the line

Stanley Victor Paskavich

Really, the only people you should be comparing yourself to would be people who make you feel better by comparison. For instance, people who are in comas, because those people have no spoons at all and you don't see anyone judging them. Personally, I always compare myself to Galileo because everyone knows he's fantastic, but he has no spoons at all because he's dead. So technically I'm better than Galileo because all I've done is take a shower and already I've accomplished more than him today.

Jenny Lawson

I had officially joined the cacophony of sick mother fuckers.

Betsy Lerner

Judging from the unfamiliar number, I assumed the text came from Shannon. If not, I would see who came by my house at 4:30 and go with it. Maybe it would be Mr. Darcy coming to pick me up in an extravagant horse-drawn carriage, but I couldn’t picture Mr. Darcy using a cell phone.

Michelle Madow

But money spent while manic doesn't fit into the Internal Revenue Service concept of medical expense or business loss. So after mania, when most depressed, you're given excellent reason to be even more so.

Kay Redfield Jamison

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

Daniel Marks

I don't know what it is about "magic happens"-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it "so does cot death".

Tim Minchin

So what were your favorite subjects in school?""School?" He leaned back in his chair as though he needed the extra space to think about it. "Probably math. It always made sense. Unlike English, economics, and girls.""And exactly how do you plan on taking over the free world if you don't understand economics?""I'll hire advisers. I'll hire you, in fact.""Okay. Let me know when your army of junior high zombies is ready.

Janette Rallison

You are quite possibly the least smooth guy I know,” she mumbled. “You can’t even put your arm around me without tripping up.

Lish McBride

come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire." Oberon

Kevin Hearne

Oh, for the love of God. There is no agent more agent than you. I swear you have pin-striped ties encrypted into your DNA. When you die, the coffin is going to read Property of the FBI.

Lisa Gardner

You don’t like my restaurant, Miss Connor?” “I couldn’t say since the waiting list to get in is six months long.” One side of his mouth curved up. “This is true.” His finger lingered, and I tried to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. “I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

Jenny Lyn

The bourbon goes into the recipe, Miss Connor, not into you,” he’d said from directly behind me. He had a way of doing that, catching me in the act. I suppose the number of times I screwed up made me an easy mark. My spine straightened at the scolding, but my mouth did what it knew best. “Well, that’s just a waste of perfectly good bourbon if you ask me.

Jenny Lyn

Come on, there's no one there. You want coffee?" Tess asked."Yeah, sure, why not? I'm only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don't imagine why caffeine wouldn't help this situation.

Frankie Rose

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' Yeah, well, whoever wrote that was a friggin' idiot.

Marley Gibson

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Humor Quotes - Page 45

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