Humor Quotes - Page 44

...Mrs. Percy understood that staying beautiful all day long is the most important aspect of being married...

Would you like to try some cocaine?” Freud offered, “I think you will find it picks you up quite nicely.”“No thanks,” God declined, holding his soft hands up to show his resistance.

Dylan Callens

What’s the matter for you? You wanna see a stereotypa, suck on my Italian sausage and…”Einstein interrupted by leaping out of his chair, hovering over Da Vinci with his eyes as wide open as possible. His long pointy tongue stuck out like a frog ready to snap at a fly.“Oh, you wanna licka my bocce balls, do you?

Dylan Callens

We should have smashed through the door long ago,” grunted Thor. Everyone had always thought of Thor as Lennie from Of Mice and Men: too big and too slow. The chief difference being that while Lenny accidentally hugged little animals to death, Thor had a penchant for beating the shit out of them with his war hammer, Mjolnir.

Dylan Callens

This Henry lived in Edinburgh, making him inaccessible and giving her something to do on the weekends — 'Oh, just flying up to Scotland, Henry's taking me fishing,' which is the kind of thing she imagined people doing in Scotland — she always thought of the Queen Mother, incongruous in mackintosh and waders, standing in the middle of a shallow brown river (somewhere on the outskirts of Brigadoon, no doubt) and casting a line for trout.

Kate Atkinson

If you do it in the bookies, it's a bet. . . . If you pay some 23-year-old in an Armani suit two hundred grand to go to the window for you, it's a derivative.

Paul Murray

There may come a day when internet comments sections are deemed, for the good of humanity and the sanity of civilization in general, to be a form of biohazard or metaphysical catastrophe.

Jonathan Kieran

A book that is written for the quirky, mischievous, and decidedly irreverent-minded modern reader, Confessions from the Comments Section will appeal to anyone who enjoys a clever, no-holds-barred roast of our contemporary cultural chaos.

Jonathan Kieran

Here’s one secret no one will tell you about getting laid after a date. DON’T TALK. Most girls blame either their looks or excessive timidity for their virginity. This is only true to an extent. These girls are also horribly annoying.”—Aurelia Nichols & Jillie Bean, 101 Tips to Lose Your Virginity after 25

Camilla Monk

In such societies it is common for ordinary people to seek out celibate spiritual leaders for marriage, love and sometimes sexual guidance. This strikes me as a particularly stupid kind of folly. Nobody ever asks a vegetarian for a recommendation for a steak house

Scott Andrews

The burden is on the sane.

Warren Alexander

I was only hit on once at the grocery store. I remember it was early one Saturday morning and I was buying my daily bacon, when I got tapped on the shoulder. I turned around and I saw a rather short and very feeble eighty-year-old lady looking up at me. She said in a weak, scratchy voice, "Excuse me, young man, could you reach up and grab some ketchup for me?" Well I'm no dummy. I know when I'm getting hit on. I smiled politely and reached up for the ketchup, knowing full well that she just wanted to get a gander at my derriere. As I handed her the ketchup, she said, "Thank you," like I was some piece of meat, a boy toy, or something. Finally I just blurted out, "Look, I'm married, lady!" She acted all surprised and confused. "Excuse me? I don't understand!" I shook my head with a smirk, raised my left hand, and showed her my wedding ring. "Married!" I loudly told her. "I'm taken!" A stock boy at the end of the aisle looked at us and inquired, "Is everything okay?" "I'm fine," I assured him. "I know how to deal with predators." Well, suddenly this sex-crazed lady got all angry at me. Like I was out of line. She huffed off. "Well, I never!" "And you ain't gonna with me either, " I yelled after her. I have to admit, it was nice to get the attention.

Jim Gaffigan

If you want to make God laugh, tell him-her your plan

Anonymous

I write humor as it's pretty much the only thing keeping me out of an asylum.

Bonnie Daly

Proceed with caution when you befriend a writer, for if you fall out of their good graces they have the delightful capability of doing any number of dastardly things to you upon the written page.

Bonnie Daly

A good joke doesn’t necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one’s own deserving jokes.

Pawan Mishra

I denounce the do-gooders, the feel-gooders, the “activist clubs,” and anyone else who makes people feel like the problem is being taken care of. Trust me. The problem is not being taken care of.

Blake Nelson

[An] explanation that was simply in the best traditions of female logic:"I don't know why, but I want it, so you need to give me that expensive thing.

Michael Atamanov

When it comes to assassination, execution is everything.

R.S. Gompertz

History repeats, again.

R.S. Gompertz

For instance, the cards that I wrote for the company's 'I'd Like to Declare My Confused and Ambiguous Fondness for You' line were all notorious failures, some of which were blamed as the single direct cause of several nasty divorces, and some of their purchasers had actually taken the effort to discover the identity of their anonymous author, sending me hate mail, dead fish, and poorly wrapped, oil-stained packages emitting ticking noises.

Dexter Palmer

It's nice to be able to do things for other people, isn't it?That's why it's fun to talk in the third person sometimes.

Patrick Bryant

The madrigore of verjuice must be talthibianised.

C.S. Lewis

Get some sleep, Secretary General, get some sleep. Revolution can wait till the morning.

Mohammed Hanif

If you are against abortions, don't have one.

Scott Andrews

Like vampires and extremely rich people, black folk can sense one another. Use your Spidey Sense (Blacky Sense?). Use your blackdar to inspect the workplace for signs of Other Negroes. They may be working security for the building. They may be in administrative support. They may be among the associate pool, or they may even be in upper management. Black folk can be anywhere. After all, you're here. But one of the biggest mistakes you can make as The Black Employee is to assume you are the only one.

Baratunde R. Thurston

...I could feel her burrowing into my heart. I didn't know if the burrowing was like a kitten cuddling up to its mother or if it was like a chigger depositing its larvae underneath the skin of my ankles.

Jason Porter

Though firm, we are never too firm, though we love fun, we never have fun in a silly way that makes us appear ridiculous, unless that is our intent.

George Saunders

She wore an A-line bridal gown with a V-shaped neckline while Apollo playing Bach's Air on the G string.

Tai

Now we go in and take over," answered A. "It's our duty to help these people.

Katerina Stoykova-Klemer

You will be very visible in the company photo, also the website and any other marketing materials. There's no way to avoid it. The photo will only be scheduled when you are in the office, so don't try pretending to be sick. They'll wait for you.

Baratunde R. Thurston

Satire is the antidote to Pollyanna and Dr. Pangloss. It focuses our gaze sharply upon the the contrast between things as they are and as they should be.

Edgar Johnson

hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')

Patton Oswalt

Our town was known for two things--no, three: salted fish, expertly dyed fabrics, and corruption.

Angela Elwell Hunt

I suppose that in no educational institution can one become an educated person.

Mikhail Bulgakov

When the world has once begun to use us ill, it afterwards continues the same treatment with less scruple or ceremony, as men do to a whore.

Jonathan Swift

A satirist is never certain whether he/she will be acclaimed or punished.

Edgar Johnson

I hope Marcus (giggle) is there. Maybe he can defeat the evil Cullens with his mighty battle cry, "I can see relationships!!!

Dan Bergstein

One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Ambrose Bierce

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

Mark Twain

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

Jonathan Swift

Since my trips to Earth, I've only managed to assemble a few basics facts about humans, condensing them in to four, overall points: kids got Reese's, teens got recess, adults got recessions, and seniors got receding.

Tai

I've always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.

Ivana Hruba

Were you terrified, Murgatroyd?" Murgatroyd nodded eagerly. "There you go, girl: You're a terrorist. You make me twitchy, and under Article Forty-One of the 2000 Terrorism Bill, that's all I need. Time for some reasonable force, I think.

China Miéville

The hotness of a sex scene lies in the loins of the beholder.

J.Leigh Hunter

Leave it to you to find a legal way to do something illegal

Diana Palmer

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God grante

Voltaire

There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip.

Stephen Fry

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

Russell Brand

Matt is a tortured soul,' Amanda insisted. 'He's Heathcliff and you're Cathy. He's Rochester and you're Jane Eyre. He's-''Darcy and I'm Elizabeth. I get it. And you're wrong.

Robin Brande

Neither would you, had you grown up in a library of melodramatic romance novels.

Clementine Holzinger

Have some carrots. They're good for your eyes.""Then you have some fries. They're good for your... I don't know. They're just good.

Sarah Ockler

Kyle clapped his hands together. “Goody! The Zoe dates back some 3000 years to when the Greek gods ruled.”“Who’s Zoe?” I interjected.Kyle huffed. “It’s not a who, it’s a what.

Nicole Gulla

...truly loving someone is making that person happy even if you’re not the reason behind it.

Vinsfortin

We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and fell on the coffee table. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be winning the most graceful woman’s award any time soon.

Jessica Florence

I made a tactical error tonight with Wyatt." She paused "Horizontally." Sara laughed. "Again?

Jill Shalvis

You know what you are, Sam Brody?" she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. "A big, fat tease." They both knew there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. They also both knew exactly what she meant.

Jill Shalvis

This damn ring had derailed her life. No wonder Gollum had gone insane.

Karina Bliss

The only thing he was sorry for was slamming the door and perhaps raising his voice to the woman who'd been like a mother to him since the passing of his parents. Perhaps she hadn't really deserved his reaction, but he was, justifiably, weary of their meddling and hearing about his father's will. Apparently no suitable maiden was going to appear on his doorstep. He seemed to be looking for a needle in a haystack.

Lisa M. Prysock

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Humor Quotes - Page 44

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