Humor Quotes - Page 42

I think happiness is a bit like a cake. If you have cake every single day of your life you'll get sick of it. If you're happy everyday, you'll get sick of being happy… That's a good saying actually. Happiness is like a cake. Have too much and you'll get sick of it.

Karl Pilkington

It's best to locate the mind first before launching the 'missiles of contention'.

Some people remember the sixties better than others do. Some weren't even there, some who were there were not really there, and some who were not really there were "really there".

Tom Hays

The only working model of socialism I have ever seen is in an elementary school classroom.

R.M. ArceJaeger

We go to school so that when we grow up we can make lots of money, and we make lots of money so we can provide for our children, and we have children to provide for our retirement (because we don’t have any money left).

R.M. ArceJaeger

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.

If you make a deal with a fool, don't be surprised when they act foolishly.

A man who discovers his pants are on fire tends to have very little time to worry about somebody else's box of matches

Human misery must somewhere have a stop; there is no wind that always blows a storm; great good fortune comes to failure in the end. All is change; all yields its place and goes; to persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man. The coward despairs.

Euripides

You don't have to say a thing except yes. You don't have to do anything, either, I'm quite willing to plan it all." "You?""Yes me.""You'd plan all of it? Even the wedding?""Why not?""You don't even like to plan your own breakfast."He grinned. "You mean more to me tban bacon.""More than [i]bacon?[/i] I'm honored.""You should be, my foolish pea brain.

Thinking back on the outing to the theatre, she added, ‘I want a man, not a preening peacock!

Katherine Givens

Gideon could not imagine any other young unmarried woman of his acquaintance passing up the opportunity to snare, if not himself, then the Carradice fortune. In any case, the number of women who’d rejected him in any way was gratifyingly small. Yet Miss Prudence Merridew had most unmistakably rejected him. Several times. Wielding that damned lethal reticule like a little Amazon, to emphasize her point.

The arrogant man probably thought his path to heaven was already assured, and that he acted in accordance to God’s will just by breathing.

Celeste rejoined him. "How you ladies do love a bargain," he said."You were listening!""I left before you shared the secrets of your undergarments." Jack looked sheepish. "That didn't sound quite how I intended."Celeste blushed. "You should not have mentioned it at all. A lady's undergarments are not a fit topic for a gentleman to discuss at a military dinner.""Actually," he retorted, "you would be surprised at how often the subject comes up.

Marguerite Kaye

I steal from the rich to give to myself.

What’s bosoms?” Cade asked.“You’ll find out when you get older,” Jake said."A lot older," Colt said.

Yes, and you did it spectacularly. They were the best non words ever not spoken.

Helen likes Brussels sprouts. How can anyone trust her opinion?

When she shines we all bask in her happiness, but when the thunderstorms come in, let me warn you, find a faraway hiding hole." Dorothy Broadbelt, lady in waiting to Queen Elizabeth 1.

Suzanne Crowley

I wondered what he would have thought if he'd known that I'd gleaned most of my information from reading historical romance novels.

Miss Edmonton: I don't even know where to start. It's too horrifying to even speak of.Jenny: Nonsense. Let's start with the basics. What did your aunt tell you?Miss Edmonton: My aunt said that my husband will come into my room and pull my skirt up. And then he'll put himself inside of me. She said it hurts. She suggested I hold my tongue and pretend I am somewhere else until he is done.Jenny: Yes. I should think it would hurt if you did it that way. Good heavens.

Simon did not solve problems, he just shamed them into going away.

SciFi: When there's a serious problem and everyone decides to solve it sensibly.

Elaine Greywalker

No I didn't spell that wrong it's just the Canadian version

Christine Delilah

Talking about a problem sometimes makes it worse.

Toys have taken over my family room. I watch Mary Poppins, and no matter how many spoonfuls of sugar I eat, action figures won’t march into a bin with the snap of my fingers.

...there is the sheer emotional, intellectual, physical, chemical pleasure of your children. The honest truth is that the world holds no greater gratification than lying in bed with your children, putting your leg on top of them in a semi-crushing manner, while saying sternly, "You are a poo.

Real motherhood is different. It's better and it's messier and it's more complicated. It will break your heart and make you laugh harder than you ever imagined. You find yourself alternating between feeling like your friends talked you into some sort of pyramid scheme so you could share in their misery and thinking this is the most fulfilling thing you've ever done in your life.

Melanie Shankle

It's tough being AWESOME all the time, but the kids need someone to look up to!

One very important key to maintaining our daily sanity is a simple scheduling tactic I call Putting Things the Hell Off.

It had been six weeks since I brought my second child, my daughter, kicking and screaming into the world. Six weeks, that magic number men everywhere look forward to and women dread.

These days, “getting lucky” means drinking an entire cup of COFFEE while it’s still HOT!

MOMB - noun - One who can deal with all of the INSANITY of being a MOM... Because she's the BOMB!

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it's frumpy mother.

I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I’m petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!!

Even AWESOME MOMS use the F-BOMB!

If we wear our nursing covers backwards like capes, then everyone can see we're breastfeeding superheroes.

I think I would scream too if someone violently jammed a big ass breast in my mouth.

The physical relief of having fully drained boobs cannot be overstated.

Heaven is the feeling of hand warmers on sore nipples.

Go hug a nursing mom -- but not too hard. Her boobs may hurt.

I can absolutely assure you that birth is nothing like holding an ice cube in your hand for a minute and breathing through the "pain.

In case you haven't heard, let me tell you now, babies do not come out knowing how to breastfeed.

If nursing were easy, there wouldn't be so many helpful products.

Though breastfeeding is supposed to the most natural thing ever, it seems like a rich-people sport for all the stuff we buy to help.

Every working mother has the things she dreads, things that keep her up in the night – pink eye, an ear infection, the parent-teacher conference, the school play – all forcing her to remind the people she works with that she is not, in fact, wholly devoted to business enterprises, but has another secret life. For me, the night terror is the 5 a.m. phone call from the nanny.

Poor woman! She probably thought change of air might agree with many of her children.

Excuse my dress. I was half an hour late this morning. When you lose half an hour in this house, you never can pick it up again, try how you may. -Reverend Finch's wife

Half the time your kids end up hating you for at least 5 of their teenage years[.] And don't ever expect anything so mundane as a thank you

You know you're a mom when you open the door to the dishwasher mid-cycle and think, 'This is the closest I'm going to get to a spa treatment till next Mother's Day.'""Joining the words 'Lose Weight, Effortlessly!' in the same sentence may be a form of hate speech.""Try to make time for the things that are important, not just the things that are urgent.""I want my work to matter, my words to count for the good, and to spread some good cheer along the way.

Mother doesn't cook, Ignatius said dogmatically, She burns.

John Kennedy Toole

I am often slow in catching up to the times, but even so, I still cannot even grip this idea: With nothing more than pitocin in your IV drip, you can sooner control the date and time of the birth of a human being-- the gushing entry into the great blue world of a whole new person-- than you can the scheduling of a few line cooks in your operation.

Gabrielle Hamilton

They who suspect a Mephistophiles, or sneering, satirical devil, under all, have not learned the secret of true humor, which sympathizes with gods themselves, in view of their grotesque, half-finished creatures.

Henry David Thoreau

Jersey Shore has killed more brain cells than alcohol, cocaine, and meth combined.

Michelle Templet

Quite possibly the only infinite power in the universe may be the human capacity for self-deception.

Michelle Templet

Obama's plan for "change": Let's do everything Bush did, only with more suck! Because it just didn't suck badly enough the first time!

Michelle Templet

Back in our apartment, lights out, The Professor emerged from beneath the bed." - from "The Professor Spends the Night," in issue 4 of Literary Orphans

Joseph Patrick Pascale

There is no point in poverty if it does not make a rich man, observing it, feel better.

A dutiful wife enables a good man to add her hands to his own for self-applause.

It takes a lot of wind to sail a leaky boat.

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