Humor Quotes - Page 38

If that phone ain't ringing, I assume it still ain't you" Randy Travis

Carole Townsend

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but … what?

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone's life, you're then responsible for it."Allison thought about telling him she'd seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered her own bit of nonsense. "In some cultures, saving a life is considered an interference with fate and is punishable by death.

Elle Todd

I would rather write a book without a title if my true friend chooses to live in a million dollar home in London and acts foreign.

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

Carla H. Krueger

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be!" - Governor Dewar

MJL Evans and GM O'Connor

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network..." "Of course they do!" Morrow shouted gleefully. 'The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired you to sit there and spout their corporate propaganda?

Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Tom Brady's balls" Nothing more than a publicity stunt to keep the NFL Network from losing San Francisco's market share.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Rainier" A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: "Tom Brady's Balls.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Eating Crow" This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Pope and Congress" It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

Arthur Wellesley

Wisdom of the Ages "News People" Always joking around and happy. I guess that proves that ignorance really is bliss.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.

Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

Don’t think you’re some kind of snowflake, suit guy. I’m a bitch to everyone.

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday.

Karen Salmansohn

Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can't make coffee.

Karen Salmansohn

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.

There are stranger things out there than flying pigs.

Jane Tara

I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!

Ana Claudia Antunes

They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.

Mozaiah Thompson

To all the ladies:" I don't like to be in ladies who judges you by every joke you made, sometimes I do good sometimes bad, don't laugh for me laugh for yourself if you really got it.; Otherwise I'm pretty happy with my own version. ;)

Deep down, he's shallow.

They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.

Brian L. Tucker

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect.

Tonight sucked" my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. "What?" He smiled at me. "Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip?"I just shook my head. "The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking.

But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster.

In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell--when no one was around to be crushed.

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

Stewart Lee Beck

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?

Stewart Lee Beck

I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

Stewart Lee Beck

Orange is the New Black is a really boring porn.

After a few more minutes of daydreaming about how fabulous I could become, I look down at the heading on my paper: Janey's Reinvention Plan. It appears lonely at the top of the page. I should probably add some bullets beneath, but I've never been much of a list maker.

I'm overweight, despise change, and rarely, if ever, initiate anything. Unlike my friends, I’ve had no drama in my life which might qualify as box office material. If a little more drama came my way, however, I would probably need to purchase some courage in order to withstand it. Oh well, if a bit of change equals a bit of drama, I’m willing to risk it.

Professional is an apt definition for me, professional slouch, that is. I can be very professional at seeming to do work, but the real work is trying to do as little as possible, without getting caught by Trip or any nosey busybodies.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Writing isn't a choice. It's a calling. So answer the damn phone already!

When people ask how old I am, I just tell them twenty-one, and if they assume I mean years instead of decades or centuries, then that can't be my fault, can it?

At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The P-38 WWII Nazi handgun looks comical lying on the breakfast table next to a bowl of oatmeal.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Aging gracefully - A that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...

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