Humor Quotes - Page 35

Loud ringing noises, I've discovered, upset Mr.Peepers.

Look, we need to make time, but we also need to be somewhat quiet." She faced him. "I am being quiet!"Pathik held a finger up to his lips. "Seriously. Quite. You don't really want to attract a lot of attention out here if you can help it."Rachel didn't like the sound of that. "Are there sheep-cats?

Teri Hall

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.

James Thurber

Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity.

Terry Pratchett

My name is Skippito Friskito. (clap-clap)I fear not a single bandito. (clap-clap)My manners are mellow,I'm sweet like the Jell-o,I get the job done, yes indeed-o. (clap-clap)

Judy Schachner

After the group vet appointment--during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room--we went back to Sabrina's and re-released the cats to their natural habitat.

Sarah Dessen

She smiled again. "Do you like cat?" she said."Yes," said Richard. "I quite like cats."Anaesthesia looked relieved. "Thigh?" she asked, "or breast?

Neil Gaiman

Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?''That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.'I don't much care where—' said Alice.'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.'—so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.

Lewis Carroll

You can't shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he's done.

Captain Perverto

I get glimpses of the horror of normalcy. Each of these innocents on the street is engulfed by a terror of their own ordinariness. They would do anything to be unique.

Katherine Dunn

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Janeane Garofalo

Some are born old maids, some achieve old maidenhood, and some have old maidenhood thrust upon them ," parodied Miss Lavendar whimsically.

L.M. Montgomery

This book is written with an open mind and it should be read with the same

Adrian Sandvaer

She has great breasts," the Colonel said without looking up from the whale."DO NOT OBJECTIFY WOMEN'S BODIES!" Alaska shouted.Now he looked up. "Sorry. Perky breasts.""That's not any better!

John Green

And we'll call you...hmmm. Pudge.""Huh?""Pudge," the Colonel said. "Because you're skinny. It's called irony, Pudge. Heard of it? Now, let's go get some cigarettes and start this year off right.

John Green

Hey, Alec," he said.The man was on his hands and knees, leaning his face into the middle of a bush; he grunted something that kind of sounded like a "Yeah?""Why are we spending so much time on this side of where we left them?"Alec pulled himself out of the bush and looked back at him. "Seemed logical. I'd think they either followed us out of here to find us, or they were taken by the same yahoos who attacked us. Or... maybe they went to investigate the fire."Mark thought that was all barking up the wrong tree. "Or they ran away from the fire. Not every person on earth is as wacky-brained as you, good sir. Most people see a huge roaring inferno coming at them? They decide to cut and run. Just saying.

James Dashner

The demon at length fell to singing a gentle, flickering little song. It was not in any language Sophie knew - or she thought not, until she distinctly heard the word "saucepan" in it several times...

Diana Wynne Jones

Writing a first-draft battle scene is akin to real combat—chaos, confusion, and you must keep your cool as you fire word bullets downrange.

Don Roff

Some people would say it's a bad idea to bring a fire-spider into a public library. Those people would probably be right, but it was better than leaving him alone in the house for nine hours straight. The one time I tried, Smudge had expressed his displeasure by burning through the screen that covered his tank, burrowing into my laundry basket, and setting two weeks' worth of clothes ablaze.

Jim C. Hines

Wisdom comes in the silence of one's chaos

Dora Okeyo

The very last thing I needed was fire burning through my palms.

L S May

SOUNDS GROSS," he said. "SALAZAR PREFERS WOOD. TAPESTRIES ARE ALSO ACCEPTABLE.

Mirriam Neal

Burn, baby, burn,” she muttered in a hard, satisfied voice.I cleared my throat. “As much as I hate to interrupt the supreme satisfaction you’re taking in watching the mansion blaze to the ground, I’d reallylike to get out of here before the whole house collapses on top of us.

Jennifer Estep

I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?

Brian Celio

His eyes are peculiar. There is nothing in them, like an eclair without the cream filling. It's wrong, lack of cream.

Gail Carriger

You have two eyes, and two ears, but only one mouth. This is so because you are supposed to look and listen more than you talk.

Lucca Kaldahl

Some folks say that you can’t get rid of a problem until you shuck it. So, brother, let’s start shucking.

Richard Puz

Cassidy continued to rub his chest and groaned at Ollie pleadingly. “I don"t like it. Make it stop.”“It"s just love, sweetie. It won"t kill you. I promi

Ethan Day

My only companion from the outside world during nineteen years of isolation has been my personal hatred of Thursday Next. It's kind of like the old me suddenly taking over, and I promised myself that this was how I would act if I ever saw you.' 'I have the same thing, but with Tom Stoppard,' I said. 'You'd kill Tom Stoppard?' 'Not at all. I promised myself many years ago that I would throw myself at his feet and scream "I'm not worthy!" if I ever met him, so now if we're ever at the same party or something, I have to be at pains to avoid him. It would be undignified, you see—for him and for me.

Jasper Fforde

I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you do the accents of the countries you’re attacking from. And I hate that you wear a beret every time we play. God, do I hate the beret.

Colin Nissan

Most people who spew hatred aren’t very intelligent or motivated. They tend to be lazy, and if for some reason they are coaxed into picking up a pen, their messages are mostly incoherent and largely illiterate.

Damien Echols

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high,Hope you break your neck and die.

Katelyn Lillis

You had to stand in line to hate him.

Hedda Hopper

But if there was a protocol for how to say goodbye to your newly ex-boyfriend's brother, right after you kissed him and probably sent your ex into the arms of his willing ex-girlfriend, I didn't know what it was.

Rachel Vincent

We fiction writers are a brazen lot, are we not? For we, in our passion, embrace just enough truth to consecrate our delicately contrived lies.

Val Edward Simone

To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and passionate lies.

Val Edward Simone

People blame science. Shit, man, people shouldn’t blame science. People should blame people.

Mira Grant

Be kind to everyone, everyone is going through something

Mary Elizabeth Owens

-I'm stubborn not stupid. There's a fine line between the two. Stupid people think they're right when they're wrong. Stubborn people know they're wrong but won't admit it.

K. Mitch

First things first, though, I thought, and headed straight for the liquor cabinet. Times like this call for straight scotch, no rocks.

Susan Toy

It's like they've forgotten everything important, isn't it? I mean, forgotten things like cats and dancing exist.

Katherine Rundell

Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

Shannon L. Alder

FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caleb Lailk

Because he was English and that's what the English do under stress: they drink tea.

Cynthia Hand

Mars and my own stupidity keep trying to kill me.

Andy Weir

many men are neither worthy of their wives, nor of their dogs.

Charlotte Mary Yonge

Not all. Some of them he probably lectured to death.

Maggie Stiefvater

In a town like London there are always plenty of not quite certifiable lunatics walking the streets, and they tend to gravitate towards bookshops, because a bookshop is one of the few places where you can hang about for a long time without spending any money.

George Orwell

There is a difference between being mad and being surrounded by retards.

Blanco

Going mad is the beginning of a process. It is not supposed to be the end result.

Jeanette Winterson

Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint

Jane Austen

The cab driver is staring at me in his mirror. I'm talking to myself."The second sign of madness," I explain."What's the first one?""Killing lots of people and eating their genitals."He laughs and sneaks another look at me.

Michael Robotham

We yearn for a stranger to poke around in our heart. Such an irrational thing it is. Flutter once and lunacy behold.

H.S. Crow

Sometimes I wonder if the human race isn't collectively as mad as a sack of door knobs.

Jasper Fforde

The most work he did on [the urinals] was to run a brush once or twice apiece, singing some song as loud as he could in time to the swishing brush; then he'd splash in some Clorox and he'd be through. ... And when the Big Nurse...came in to check McMurphy's cleaning assignment personally, she brought a little compact mirror and she held it under the rim of the bowls. She walked along shaking her head and saying, "Why, this is an outrage... an outrage..." at every bowl. McMurphy sidled right along beside her, winking down his nose and saying in answer, "No; that's a toilet bowl...a TOILET bowl.

Ken Kesey

Bashere shrugged, grinning brhind his grey-streaked moustaches, "When I first slept in a saddle, Muad Cheade was Marshal-General. The man was as mad as a hare in spring thaw. Twice every day he searched his bodyservant for poison, and he drank nothing but vinegar and water which he claimed was sovereign against the poison the fellow fed him, but he ate everything the man prepared for as long as I knew him. Once he had a grove of oaks chopped down because they were looking at him. And then insisted they be given decent funerals; he gave the oration. Do you have any idea how long it takes to dig graves for twenty-three oak trees?" "Why didn't somebody do something? His Family?" "Those not as mad as him, or madder, were afraid to look at him sideways. Tenobia's father wouldn't have let anyone touch Cheade anyway. He might have been insane, but he could outgeneral anyone I ever saw. He never lost a battle. He never even came close to losing.

Robert Jordan

This boy was so far out of my league it was embarrassing. I found myself staring at him, trying to find some minute flaw that might justify dragging him back to my level. Finding nothing, I decided that having a dimple on only one cheek was practically a deformity.

G.J. Walker-Smith

I had a dream that I was perfect…I woke up and was still perfect. Aw.

Starley Ard

I am not perfect, but if I looked perfect to everyone I must have been rocking imperfect perfectly to a few imperfect souls that seek imperfection vs. perfection, in an imperfect world where God asks us to seek perfection for our imperfect souls.

Shannon L. Alder

He sees me when I'm lying. He hears me when I flirt.

Candace Jane Kringle

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Humor Quotes - Page 35

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