Humor Quotes - Page 34

The human race can be roughly divided into two categories: ailurophiles and ailurophobes - cat lovers and the underprivileged.

David Taylor

So Nikki came aboard as Jaqueline's spare cat, presumably in case our prime cat, Eliza, goes on vacation, takes industrial action, or requests a personal day.

Christopher S. Wren

Got a bout of doubt? Breathe.

Magdalena VandenBerg

Where's Simon?" Clary interrupted.Isabelle wobbled. "He's a rat," she said darkly.Did he do something to you?" Alec was full of brotherly concern. "Did he touch you? If he tried anyt

Cassandra Clare

Bluestar's coming on patrol? Watch out for flying hedgehogs!

-Erin Hunter Cloudpaw A Dangerous Path Warriors 5

Majid gave me a brief dazzling golden stare and then half-lidded his eyes again. I know when my life is being threatened.

Robin McKinley

No one had ever accused Koko of being naughty. Perverse, perhaps, or arrogant, or despotic. But naughtiness was beneath his dignity.

Lilian Jackson Braun

I walked through the house to the back porch and found the screen door covered top to bottom, side to side, with cats meowing for food. . . . They were so thick on the door I could barely see the light between them.

Earl B. Russell

A cat is friendly in a hollow sort of way, like the way a prostitute is friendly.

Jonathan-David Jackson

If you can love cats, you can love human beings, because you have to be able to love them without getting them at all.

Chris Kelly

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

Robert A. Heinlein

Can you imagine those poor bastards grappling their prey, leaping over the rails, swords in hand, screaming 'Your cats! Give us all your god-damned cats!

Scott Lynch

There is no known cure for severe affection for one's cat. The only way to relieve the symptoms is to go ahead and launch a kiss attack.

Tichakorn Khroopan Hill

I've got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.

M.J. McGuire

Look, cat, you and I are never going to be friends. She’s going tocall you Max, but I’m going to call you Shit Head. And if you think forone second—” The cat lies down in a tight little ball of nastiness andfalls asleep. “Oh, please. Make yourself at home by sleeping on myscrotum.” I peek out into the sitting room area that connects to thefour bedrooms, and then glance back at the kitten. Releasing a sigh ofdiscontent, I pet Shit Head with one finger. He purrs extra hard, andI find myself wondering if I could train him to do things. Every heroneeds a sidekick, and I’m nothing if not a Grade-A Hero. - Dante Walker

Victoria Scott

Four of us,' said Morwen. The cats yowled. 'Yes, I know, and of course you're coming, but you can't carry a bucket of soapy water, so for the purposes of this discussion it doesn't matter,' she told them. The cats gave her an affronted look, turned their backs, and began making indignant little noises at each other.

Patricia C. Wrede

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

Robert A. Heinlein

Trying to corral the suburban stampede with a bunch of school buses was like herding cats. Actually, it was worse than herding cats. It was herding white people, earth's only species with a greater sense of entitlement than a cat.

Tanner Colby

I have a Siamese twin cat. It's got 2 heads and 18 lives.

M.J. McGuire

Cat love is genuine, because it's 10 percent devotion and 90 percent frustration and betrayal. - 67 REASONS WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

Jack Shepard

Ty rested his hand on Zane’s chest again and closed his eyes. Zane turned his head with infinite care and kissed Ty’s forehead.Wesson gave him a warning growl.“Mine,” Zane told the cat.

Abigail Roux

I like to search for class struggle in strange domains. For example it is clear that in classical Hollywood, the couple of vampires and zombies designates class struggle. Vampires are rich, they live among us. Zombies are the poor, living dead, ugly, stupid, attacking from outside. And it's the same with cats and dogs. Cats are lazy, evil, exploitative, dogs are faithful, they work hard, so if I were to be in government, I would tax having a cat, tax it really heavy.

Slavoj Žižek

He doesn't seem very impressed," Cimorene commented in some amusement."Why should he be?" Kazul said."Well, you're a dragon," Cimorene answered, a little taken aback."What difference does that make to a cat?

Patricia C. Wrede

LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME I-Oh, uh, helloI did not expect an answerI did not expect an entranceI did not expect this room to be so unbelievably dullSo, uh, goodbye

Francesco Marciuliano

Puss hopped down from the couch and rummaged in Mark’s closet until he found a black leather belt. This he looped along his shoulder, around his waist, and then clasped together. “I’m off to make war, so that you may have love.

Zechariah Barrett

Quote taken from Chapter 1:I know what." Isabel reached under the end table, took out the game board, and rattled the Band-Aid box containing the letter tiles. "It's been a week-and-a-half since our last Scrabble game.

Ed Lynskey

And the Lady's mate. Despite having only two legs and small fangs, there was much that was feline in that one, and he approved.

Anne Bishop

I'm poor and my cat is huge.

Christopher Moore

Cats, Dog considered, were clearly a lot tougher than lost souls

Terry Pratchett

This is the story of how I "came down with cat," even though I had decided I would never, ever, own any pet.

Nils Uddenberg

Rowl felt sure that Bridget's fragile feelings would be crushed if he denied her the pleasure of sharing her meat with him.

Jim Butcher

You can flip a coin but Schrodinger's pet cat will still be in that box.

Scott Edward Shjefte

He might be living on mice, but Chesterton does not look like an animal who is governed by his appetites. He's an ascetic, if Cathbad ever saw one.

Elly Griffiths

I wrote a book on cats. In retrospect, I should have used paper, cause chapter six got hit by a car.

Wynne McLaughlin

The purr is very important. It's the purr that does it every time. It's the purr that makes up for the Things Under the Bed, the occasional pungency, the 4 a.m. yowl. Other creatures went in for big teeth, long legs or over-active brains, while cats just settled for a noise that tells the world they're feeling happy.

Terry Pratchett

Er, excuse me,' said the man as Nanny Ogg turned away, 'but what is that on your shoulders?''It's. . . a fur collar,' said Nanny.'Excuse me, but I just saw it flick its tail.''Yes. I happen to believe in beauty without cruelty.

Terry Pratchett

Cat herding is simple. Just drag a string behind you.

Aaron Dennis

We lost track of which was which, but we were fairly sure that some of the creatures had been borne away still in the darkness of paganism, and that worried us a good deal.

Marilynne Robinson

No threatening the cat!" Mr. Snuggly said.

Charlaine Harris

There are always cats around Charlie's, but they are usually refugees seeking asylum from the local rat population, and rather desperately friendly.

Robin McKinley

I fall short of her standards. She made me buy cat food that hasn't been tested on animals. My cats took one bite of it, spit it out, and yelled, "Did no one test this?

Paula Poundstone

When you're fighting a crowd, it's good to shout potentially threatening things like "Crossbows!" or "Fire!" or "Giant Flying Cat!" every once in a while.

Sebastien de Castell

Take it from catsIf someone moves to make room for you, take up more room. If someone is looking over there, there’s something to see. If somebody sneezes, run. If someone brings a bag into your home, look inside it. If you don’t want someone to leave, sit on his suitcase. Clean between your toes. Flaunt your full figure. Hide loose change. Even though you can take care of yourself, it’s okay to let someone be nice to you. It’s fine to take a nap on the laundry. If you stand in a kitchen long enough, someone will feed you. If you’re alone in bed, use all the pillows. Just because it’s gorgeous outside doesn’t mean you have to go outside. Just because you can fit into something tight doesn’t mean that you belong in it. If you trust someone, open yourself like a cheap umbrella. If you want to be left alone, park yourself in a closet. If you want to surprise someone, lie in a bathtub and then jerk back the curtain when he sits on the toilet. If you’re not interested, don’t look interested. You don’t have to chase every bird that you see.

Helen Ellis

You also yell at the pigeons outside, watch too many cooking shows, and have a blog entirely dedicated to pictures of yourself.

Marie Jacquelyn

There was a sort of gallery structure in the roof space which held a bed and also a bathroom which you could actually swing a cat in. But only if it was a reasonably patient cat and didn’t mind a few nasty cracks about the head.

Douglas Adams

I'm a cat. You know cat's don't like to go outside. They actually drop their smell all over a place, and that becomes their place. So when you live with a cat, you actually live at the cat's house.

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy

She drowned all of the catnip mice in Nike's water bowl and I had to take them away after he began drinking the resulting 'nip tea, wearing overalls, and changing all the songs in my favorites playlist to the Grateful Dead.

Amy Petrie Shaw

You know that feeling you get, when the sky has turned green, air raid sirens are blowing, the theme to the "Wizard of Oz" wafts softly through the air, your neighbor has just blown by backwards on her bicycle, and an ominous funnel cloud is hovering on the horizon?Yeah, that feeling. the one that says that says "A picnic! That's what I need to do right about now! What could possible go wrong?

Amy Petrie Shaw

Little known fact- a cat which has just bitten itself in the ass can achieve impressive speed at it dashes madly straight up a curtain.

Amy Petrie Shaw

Cats, Dog considered, were clearly a lot tougher than lost souls.

Terry Pratchett

Ah, fish, there is no fareQuite like a flounder! They surely will not missA piece or two from stacks of sole like this;I'll steal a few, but leave the lion's share.Look! the lamplight on the lane is prettyThey're back from walking out on Dover Beach.I think I'll hide and spare myselpf the speech,For we are in a world untouched by pityWhere ignorant humans curse the k

Henry N. Beard

You can never know where I am or what I am,But I am good company to you nonetheless,And really do regret I broke your ink

Henry N. Beard

If you can try to nap where someone's sitting,Although there is another empty chair,Then rub against his ankle without quittingUntil he rises from your favorite lair;If you can whine and whimper by a portalUntil the bolted door is opened wide,Then howl as if you've got a wound that's mortalUntil he comes and lets you back inside;If you can give a guest a nasty spiking,But purr when you are petted by a thief;If you can find the food not to your likingBecause they put some cheese in with the beef;If you can leave no proffered hand unbitten,And pay no heed to any rule or ban,then all will say you are a Cat, my kitten.And -- which is more -- you'll make a fool of Man!

Henry N. Beard

The noisy jay swoops by and reviles me, he complains of my meow and my malingering.I too am not a bit subdued, I too am uncontrollable,I sound my splenetic yowl over the roof of the h

Henry N. Beard

The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem." This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course.

Joyce Carol Oates

Would you buy potato chips that listed potato by-product or potato digest as an ingredient

Michelle T. Bernard

And indeed there will be timeTo wonder, 'Do I shed?' and, 'Do I shed?'Time to turn back and stretch out on the bed,And give myself a bath before I'm fed --(They will say: 'It's the short-haired ones I prefer.')My flea collar buckled neatly in my fur,My expression cool and distant but softened by a gentle purr --(They will say: 'I'm allergic to his fur!')Do I dareJump up on the table?In an instant there is timeFor excursions and inversions that will make me seem unst

Henry N. Beard

The urge to change my mind and not go at all is enormous. I’m absolutely terrified to leave on that boat. But, if I don’t go, there’ll be one more broken person in this world who gave up a dream to sit in a chair, pick up the TV remote and shrink.

Lexis De Rothschild

Behold the day-break!I awaken you by sitting on your chest and purring in your face,I stir you with muscular paw-prods, I rouse you with toe-

Henry N. Beard

I situate myself, and seat myself,And where you recline I shall recline,For every armchair belonging to you as good as belongs to me.I loaf and curl up my tailI yawn and loaf at my ease after rolling in the catnip p

Henry N. Beard

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Humor Quotes - Page 34

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