Humor Quotes - Page 32

Not all tongues that wag cohabit with a brain.

The most powerful sex organ was the brain, you know what that meansPoor Justin!

Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. - Holden Caulfield

He said, I won't have one of those things in the house. It gives a young girl a false notion of beauty, not to mention anatomy. If a real woman was built like that she'd fall on her face.She said, If we don't let her have one like all the other girls she'll feel singled out. It'll become an issue. She'll long for one and she'll long to turn into one. Repression breeds sublimation. You know that. He said, It's not just the pointy plastic tits, it's the wardrobes. The wardrobes and that stupid male doll, what's his name, the one with the underwear glued on.She said, Better to get it over with when she's young. He said, All right but don't let me see it.She came whizzing down the stairs, thrown like a dart. She was stark naked. Her hair had been chopped off, her head was turned back to front, she was missing some toes and she'd been tattooed all over her body with purple ink, in a scrollwork design. She hit the potted azalea, trembled there for a moment like a botched angel, and fell.He said, I guess we're safe.

Margaret Atwood

Parvati positively beamed. Harry could tell that she was feeling guilty for having laughed at Hermione in Transfiguration. He looked around and saw that Hermione was beaming back, if possible even more brightly. Girls were very strange sometimes.

J.K. Rowling

You need your beauty sleep for tomorrow"she tells us "don't stay up too late talking"We ignore her of course.The whole point of a sleepover is to stay up too late talking.

Heather Vogel Frederick

Where's Izzy?" cried Alice. "I'm right here!" Izzy was heard, but there was no sight of her floating friend. "Izzy's invisible!" yelled Melanie."Invisible and flying!" Colleen added nervously.

Katie Mattie

Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding

Jesse Andrews

... And what am I to do?""Well, that depends. Do you like the girl?""Like her? I don't know. How do you know if...?""It's very simple. Do you look at her furtively and feel like biting her?""Biting her?""On her backside, for example.

Carlos Ruiz Zafón

Because you're a girl and when a girl says she's fine, she's lying.

J.A. George

I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.

P. Anastasia

Speaking of my things, you weren't actually using that darling little study were you?" sheasked sweetly.Her mate's eyes narrowed. "Why?""Because I am commandeering it for my closet.""Closet? My study is over three hundred square feet." His shocked expression was adorable."Good point. Do you use the library as well?"He stared unblinking. "Yes, actually I do.""Oh well. I'll need to call in a contractor to remodel the study into functional wardrobe.

Alanea Alder

Madison sparkled like the words on her oversized chest. There was glitter embedded in her eye shadow, in her lip gloss, in her nail polish, hanging from her ears in shoulder grazing hoops, dangling from her wrists in blingy bracelets. If the lights went out in the hallway, she could light it up like a human disco ball.

Danielle Paige

Lions and tigers and pissed-off girls, oh my.

Katie Bayerl

That night, when SanJuanna had cleared the main course and brought dessert in, my mother called for quiet and said, "Boys, I have an announcement to make. Your sister made the apple pies tonight. I'm sure we will all enjoy them very much.""Can I learn how, ma'am?" said Jim Bowie."No, J.B. Boys don't bake pies," Mother said."Why not?" he said."They have wives who make pies for them.""But I don't have a wife.""Darling, I'm sure you will have a very nice one someday when you're older, and she'll make you many pies. Calpurnia, would you care to s

Jacqueline Kelly

Girls with their legs crossed, girls with their legs not crossed, girls with terrific legs, girls with lousy legs, girls that looked like swell girls, girls that looked like they'd be bitches if you knew them... You figured most of them would probably marry dopey guys. Guys that always talk about how many miles they get to a gallon in their goddam cars. Guys that get sore and childish as hell if you beat them at golf, or even just some stupid game like ping-pong. Guys that are very mean. Guys that never read books. Guys that are very boring.

J.D. Salinger

Someday, my young friend, you'll find out that girls are actually people too. Just like you and me.

Heather Brewer

Show me a girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a girl who can't put her pants on.-Annik Marchand

Ann Brashares

I totally bought you as a girl," says Marisol. "I'll double check with Frances later, but by the sounds of things, you seem to have no balls.

Dana Reinhardt

They mean hot like 'I'm too good for you I got my own money don't be frontin' me.' You're more like 'Be my boyfriend I'll make you cookies come meet my dad ' know what I mean

Laurie Halse Anderson

Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls

Jordan Sonnenblick

Lula," I said, "do you ever think about getting married?"I guess I do. Doesn't everybody?"You have to let your husband kiss you once you're married. And you have to kiss him

Jacqueline Kelly

The prettier the wine bottle, the higher the likelihood sorority girls will buy it.

Lauren Leto

You should have told her differently,' said Hermione, still with that maddeningly patient air. 'You should have said it was really annoying, but I'd made you promise to come along to the Three Broomsticks, and you really didn't want to go, you'd much rather spend the whole day with her, but unfortunately you thought you really ought to meet me and would she please, please come along with you, and hopefully you'd be able to get away more quickly? And it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think I am too,' Hermione added as an afterthought.'But I don't think you're ugly,' said Harry, bemused.Hermione laughed.

J.K. Rowling

I'm not trouble at all. I'm just a guy trying to get a girl to give him the time of day. I'm like every song on the radio.

Hailey Abbott

In her career, she'd closed multi-million dollar deals without a hint of nerves. Now she needed a jumbo-sized bottle of antacids just to get out of her car. Or a double shot of whiskey. God, she was losing it.

Avery Flynn

She hadn't just drunk the Salvation Kool-Aid - she'd started to brew her own.

Avery Flynn

Humor is the salvation of those without hope.

Marty Rubin

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.' 'I missed you too, Thurid.

Derek Landy

The police have no leads as yet on the person or persons who painted obscene suggestions on the buildings. One store owner said he was going to leave a dictionary on a public bench so the vandals could at least spell the obscenities correctly.

Anne Bishop

As a general rule. it's a comfort issue, literally and metaphorically. And intimacy issue. It's a big step, putting on foreign underwear. Like betrayal, or emigration.

Lee Child

For my own piece of mind, I will forget those who have screwed me over this past year and here recently, but "Aunt Karma" won't forget you. Good luck with her, I heard she's a bitch!!!

Tammy Wooster

Never confuse honor with stupidity!

R.A. Salvatore

Honor is kind of what you get when you weaponize manners

Jasper Fforde

What's that you mutter to yourself, Matthew Maule?" asked Scicpio. "And what for do you look so black at me?""No matter, darky," said the carpenter. "Do you think nobody is to look black but yourself?

Nathaniel Hawthorne

I advise you to be suspicious of any black American whose family does not claim a blood connection to Native Americans. That’s a clear sign of a racial infiltrator who has not done enough research.

Baratunde R. Thurston

The USPS is the only place in the world where you will find a black guy, a white guy, and a hispanic guy playing Filipino poker! And we love it that way!

Rhoda D'Ettore

Skin color doesn't make you different,' Melody said. 'We're all the same on the inside.' 'The only people who ever say that,' Raymon replied, 'are white.

Jodi Picoult

Once outside, the detectives advanced up an escalator and to a floor with two elevators. One was labeled for the staff, and the other for guests. In the corner was a plain grey door which led up a staircase.“Monsieur Leor…” Jean began. “Are you up for a challenge?”“You want to run up the staircase.” Leor concluded, plainly. “Like schoolboys?”“Ouais, monsieur,” Jean replied, with a silly grin. “You can consider it your preliminary training, if that helps your dignity.

Zechariah Barrett

After using a paint chart from a local DIY superstore to identify the skin tone of his penis as midnight chocolate, Miriam stayed down on one knee and offered him the citizenship he had always wanted and the middle-aged white woman he would grudgingly accept.

David F. Porteous

He is not a man wedded to action, Boleyn, but rather a man who stands by, smirking and stroking his beard; he thinks he looks enigmatic, but instead he looks as if he's pleasuring himself.

Hilary Mantel

The Emperor Napoleon Buonaparte had been banished to the island of Elba. However His Imperial Majesty had some doubts wheter a quiet island life would suit him - he was, after all, accustomed to governing a large proportion of the known world.

Susanna Clarke

Atty’s eyes rested on Darby with all the subtlety of a dog watching his food bowl being filled!

Tricia Murphy

Not strictly one of mine, but worth repeating! A very forceful old lady in these parts, when referring to the eight novels of the Angel Mountain Saga,was heard to say: "You know them books by that fellow Brian John? If I was you I wouldn't believe a single word. Take it from me. It's lies -- all lies!

Brian John

Mr. Edwards admired the well-built, pleasant house and heartily enjoyed the good dinner. But he said he was going on West with the train when it pulled out. Pa could not persuade him to stay longer."I'm aiming to go far West in the spring," he said. "This here, country, it's too settled up for me. The politicians are a-swarming in already, and ma'am if'n there's any worse pest than grasshoppers it surely is politicians. Why, they'll tax the lining out'n a man's pockets to keep up these here county-seat towns...""Feller come along and taxed me last summer. Told me I got to put in every last thing I had. So I put in Tom and Jerry, my horses, at fifty dollars apiece, and my oxen yoke, Buck and Bright, I put in at fifty, and my cow at thirty five.'Is that all you got?' he says. Well I told him I'd put in five children I reckoned was worth a dollar apiece.'Is that all?' he says. 'How about your wife?' he says.'By Mighty!' I says to him. 'She says I don't own her and I don't aim to pay no taxes on her,' I says. And I didn't.

Laura Ingalls Wilder

Six wives the King's had now.' Barak's words dragged me from my reverie. 'We can't even get one between us.

C.J. Sansom

Of this fickle temper he gave a memorable example in Ireland, when sent thither by his father, Henry the Second, with the purpose of buying golden opinions of the inhabitants of that new and important acquisition to the English crown. Upon this occasion the Irish chieftains contended which should first offer to the young Prince their loyal homage and the kiss of peace. But, instead of receiving their salutations with courtesy, John and his petulant attendants could not resist the temptation of pulling the long beards of the Irish chieftains; a conduct which, as might have been expected, was highly resented by these insulted dignitaries, and produced fatal consequences to the English domination in Ireland. It is necessary to keep these inconsistencies of John’s character in view, that the reader may understand his conduct during the present evening.

Walter Scott

If the sky falls, we shall catch larks./Když nebe padá , zjímáme skřivani.

Czech Proverb

Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line of slightly less highly evolved stupendous badasses to that first self-replicating gizmo---which, given the number and variety of its descendants, might justifiably be described as the most stupendous badass of all time. Everyone and everything that wasn't a stupendous badass was dead.

Neal Stephenson

He's getting older," Charles said darkly. "Shall I hit him with my walker or my oxygen tank?

Suzanne Brockmann

When your in pain you slowly killing your self but when your happy you are repairing the pain that slowly killing you

Dondy Subingsubing

I have to say, old friend, you were supposed to help train her, not drop her off a cliff.

Brandon Sanderson

My father helped you with that. . that thing you do?” “Yes. Your father helped me with that peacemaking thing I do that keeps you happily killing for a living.

G.A. Aiken

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

Alex Haley

I will tell you what we shall do: if ever you need to rescue Catherine, or you Berkley, Maximus, I will help you, and you will do as much for me. Then we do not need to worry, I do not suppose anyone could stop all three of us, at least not before we can escape

Naomi Novik

I'm over the hill for come-on lines. On a quiet day, I can hear my liver rotting. For exercise, I fall down. ~ Clete

James Lee Burke

Wearing glasses for reading meant surrendering to old age without the least bit of a fight.

Andrea Camilleri

REFUSALWhen you refuseto tell your weightand age,people knowyou're fat and old.

Chocolate Waters

I call the Change of Life "Orchids" because menopause is such an ugly word. It's got men in it for goddsakes.

Lisa Jey Davis

Past age fifty-five, I experienced the advancement of exquisite fabric choices, paint distinctions that were celestial in scope, yet so many other man-made objects, such as people, became drab, redundant and boring.

Carol A. Elliott

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Humor Quotes - Page 32

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