Humor Quotes - Page 31

Oral Roberts is a greed-crazed white-trash lunatic who should have been hung upside down from a telephone pole on the outskirts of Tulsa 44 years ago, before he somehow transmogrified into the money-sucking animal that he became when he discovered television.

Hunter S. Thompson

Question: What do you get the man who has everything? Answer: a concious. That guy is so greedy.

Demitri Martin

Klaus: Oh, come on. Take a chance, Caroline. Talk to me. Come on, get to know me. I dare you.Caroline: Fine. So, what do you wanna talk about?Klaus: I wanna talk about you. (Caroline scoffs) Your hopes, your dreams. Everything you want in life.Caroline: (laughs) Just to be clear, I'm too smart to be seduced by you.Klaus: Well, that's why I like you!

Caroline Dries

He sent Eliza a small smile before turning to Lawrence. "What say you and I return to the hotel for a bit? I need to check on my daughter, and you need some time away from my sister." Not giving Lawrence an opportunity to reply, Grayson took him by the arm and hurried him out of the room.It was lovely to have a big brother again.

Jen Turano

It was a smile that spelledtrouble. With a promise.

Becca Fitzpatrick

Mike,” she said in her most seductive voice. “You know and I know that I want to get laid tonight. It’s been too long since I’ve been with a man. I’m interested in one room in this apartment and one room only.

Rosetta Bloom

That's when it happens. Maybe it was my argument. Maybe it was my scary zeal. Whatever the reason, as soon as Megan whistles, the crowd is on its feet.They're blowing bubbles. They're raising their lighters high. They're cheering through their fangs...For Dawn Summers, for themselves and each other, for every sibling who got tossed into a situation beyond her control.For me.And for my sister, who whistles again...Once more with feeling.

Cynthia Leitich Smith

So why did you want to kiss me?""We're friends aren't we?" Callum shrugged.I relaxed into a smile. "Of course we are.""And if you can't kiss your friends who can you kiss?" Callum smiled.

Malorie Blackman

We're better than Galileo. Because he's dead.

Jenny Lawson

Being dead means never having to do anything sneaky.

Lawrence Block

You know because you’ve been it, and I know because I’m dead and it gives one such a wonderfully uncluttered perspective.

Douglas Adams

I woke up dead.Not only dead...but in hell.I had always been somewhat sketchy on what the afterlife - were there actually such a thing - would be like for a person such as I. From all accounts and all my imaginings, I figured it would be one of two things. Either I would be surrounded by great, burning masses that were endlessly immolating souls in torment... or else I would find myself trapped within my own mind as a helpless bystander, condemned to watching me live out my life over and over again and powerless to do anything to change any of it. When idle speculation prompted me to dwell on these two options, I would find myself drawn invariably to the former, since the later was just too hideous to contemplate....I was almost afraid to open my eyes, because once I did, I would know one way or the other. Perhaps I could have just lain there forever. Perhaps I was supposed to. Perhaps that was my true condemnation: to simply reside in hell with my eyes closed afraid of opening them lest matters deteriorate even further than they already had. This, in turn, made me dwell on the fact that every time I had believed things couldn’t get worse, they promptly had done so with almost gleeful enthusiasm .

Peter David

Why is it, I wondered, that old people are always so self-centered and excitable? But I just smiled benignly and stood back, comforted by the thought that soon they would be dead.

Bill Bryson

Oh, this is going to be fun; he actually thinks he's teaching me something.

J.A. Redmerski

It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world.

Cora Carmack

He laughed, a low, sexy growl, as she moaned in obvious frustration. “Patience is a virtue,” he said. “Torture is a federal offense,” she replied.

Carla Cassidy

Oh yeah," Zane says and smirks at me. "I had her for dinner once. Best meal of my life.

Nicole Christie

I'm warning you, that jacket is sexy. The Institute could go up in sexy, sexy flames.

Cassandra Clare

As if reading her mind, he leaned into her again, pupils dark, irises glowing like a forest caught in the last rays of sun before dusk… “Do you want me to make you come?”“Is that a trick question?

Dianna Hardy

There was a multitude of sexual scenarios, from asimple one-on-one couple fucking like bunnies to anoutright orgy with no less than eight people joined likeLEGOs.

Maya Banks

I see the beginning, I see the end. And in the middle I just hope I don't fall on my ass to much

Shehanne Moore

What were you saying about the way I smell?" "It's like hot testosterone on a fuckin' cracker, sprinkled with cinnamon." ~Mariss

Tyffani Clark Kemp

I walked with a sexy, confident walk, just like Bambi on his first walk.

C.S. James

You look and sound like you could you use a stiff one."--Mark Willburn

Madison Sevier

Amy let him lead her to the dance area. She gasped when he immediately tugged her body against his. Clearly Erik had not learned the dance rules taught at St. Francis High School. He didn’t leave room for air, much less a holy presence.

Ana Blaze

One man's deviance is other man's lunch break.

Jenn Bennett

Here.” He spread his legs wider and patted the floor between them. “You’ll be warmer, and I promise I won’t grope you or anything.”Yes, because getting groped by a handsome, charming man hours after getting dumped by a workaholic iceberg was such a repulsive notion.

Meg Maguire

Detective, any warm-blooded male with a pulse would have his hand on your glorious ass. May I?""Knock yourself out."His fingertips sketched over that tight sheen of Lycra before cupping a taut globe for a squeeze. "What kind of workout do you do to get that kind of muscle tone?"She put her face up close to his. "I beat the shit outta guys who grab my ass.

Nancy Gideon

Handsome hero wanted.Brave in the face of certain danger.Must be willing to get naked with other species.At least six-inch penis required.Fee is negotiable.

James Cox

I don't want to dig him or his sexy self. But I keep losing my clothes when I'm with him.

Jill Shalvis

I had a dream that I had brown hair…I woke up and ran to the mirror…Phew! I’m still a blonde.

Starley Ard

It's hot out there." I prowl toward her, pulling off my shirt. I maybe flex my abs a little- anything for my girl.

Ainsley Booth

Why is it so sexy when hot guys stare each other down like that? Why do I feel like licking the air? Am I ovulating?

Nicole Christie

I judged you unfairly when I met you.”“But you still wanted to kiss me?”He shrugged, a smirk turning up the right corner of his mouth. “I’m a guy.

Katrina Abbott

I got your flowers. They’re beautiful, thank you.” A gorgeous riot of Gerber daisies and lilies in a rainbow of reds, pinks, yellows and oranges. “Welcome. Bet Duncan loved sending one of his guys out to pick them up for me.” She could hear the smile in his voice, imagined the devilish twinkle in his eyes. “Oh, he did. Said it’s probably the first time in the history of WITSEC that a U.S. Marshal delivered flowers to one of their witnesses.” A low chuckle. “Well, this was a special circumstance, so they helped me out.” “I loved the card you sent with them the best though.” Proud of you. Give ‘em hell tomorrow. He’d signed it Nathan rather than Nate, which had made her smile. “I had no idea you were romantic,” she continued. “All these interesting things I’m learning about you.” She hadn’t been able to wipe the silly smile off her face after one of the security team members had knocked on her door and handed them to her with a goofy smile and a, “special delivery”. “Baby, you haven’t seen anything yet. When the trial’s done you’re gonna get all the romance you can handle, and then some.” “Really?” Now that was something for a girl to look forward to, and it sure as hell did the trick in taking her mind off her worries. “Well I’m all intrigued, because it’s been forever since I was romanced. What do you have in mind? Candlelit dinners? Going to the movies? Long walks? Lazy afternoon picnics?” “Not gonna give away my hand this early on, but I’ll take those into consideration.” “And what’s the key to your heart, by the way? I mean, other than the thing I did to you this morning.” “What thing is that? Refresh my memory,” he said, a teasing note in his voice. She smiled, enjoying the light banter. It felt good to let her worry about tomorrow go and focus on what she had to look forward to when this was all done. Being with him again, seeing her family, getting back to her life. A life that would hopefully include Nathan in a romantic capacity. “Waking you up with my mouth.” He gave a low groan. “I loved every second of it. But think simpler.” Simpler than sex? For a guy like him? “Food, then. I bet you’re a sucker for a home-cooked meal. Am I right?” He chuckled. “That works too, but it’s still not the key.” “Then what?” “You.” She blinked, her heart squeezing at the conviction behind his answer. “Me?” “Yeah, just you. And maybe bacon,” he added, a smile in his voice. He was so freaking adorable. “So you’re saying if I made and served you a BLT, you’d be putty in my hands?” Seemed hard to imagine, but okay. A masculine rumble filled her ears. “God, yeah.” She couldn’t help the sappy smile that spread across her face. “Wow, you are easy. And I can definitely arrange that.” “I can hardly wait. Will you serve it to me naked? Or maybe wearing just a frilly little apron and heels?” She smothered a laugh, but a clear image of her doing just that popped into her head, serving him the sandwich in that sexy outfit while watching his eyes go all heated. “Depends on how good you are.” “Oh, baby, I’ll be so good to you, you have no idea.

Kaylea Cross

I let my eyes drift down to his. “I like you rumpled. It’s very…sexy.

Katrina Abbott

Hey," Anaxantis protested. "Oh," he added, when the Muktar prince took his member in his mouth. "Oh... that's what you meant by servicing." He laughed softly."Aw, aw, teeth, teeth, no teeth," he hissed suddenly."Sowwy," Timishi, mumbled with his mouth full. "Towd you it wouldn't je jood.

Andrew Ashling

[Jack] checked his watch, then returned to studying her back. damn if she didn't have a nice back, too - smooth, unblemished skin, nicely shaped vert

Sarah Mayberry

It’s like a meatloaf.

Nicki Elson

What are you doing?” I asked. “Are we getting all Fifty Shades up in here?” He shushed me. “Nothing that dangerous. You won’t need a safe word.

Sophia Bleu

People who could easily be mistaken as preteens just shouldn’t even try to pull off the look-at-me-I’m-so-serious-and-mysterious-and-sexy look. Especially while driving because, please, you look like you are twelve and a half and driving with a serious look. Most kids who get the opportunity to drive illegally are smiling so big that they look dyslexic and about to piss their pants with excitement because they are in operation of a vehicle that isn’t manufactured by PlayStation.

Chase Brooks

Katy skipped over, her low-rise jeans threatening to fall off her skinny hips. With some girls, that was a sexy look. With Katy, it made you nervous.

Sara Zarr

Oh, for God's sake," I said. "Just give me the stupid thing." I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. "GPS," Ranger said to Morelli. "Probably I can find her breast without it," Morelli said. "But it's good to know there's a navigational system on board if I need it.

Janet Evanovich

Comedy Born :) When Tragedy Happens :(

Navin M. Karmarkar

Author is the prisoner of his thoughts .

Rajiv Bakshi

They are tragic,' said Vetinari, 'and we laugh at their tragedy as we laugh at our own. The painted grin leers out at us from the darkness, mocking our insane belief in order, logic, status, the reality of reality. The mask knows that we are born on the banana skin that leads only to the open manhole cover of doom, and all we can hope for are the cheers of the crowd.

Terry Pratchett

Carpenter: "Call Shen Te, someone! She's good!"Shui Ta: "Certainly. She's ruined.

Bertolt Brecht

One hardly need believe that the events in your life are actually planned as bolts from the blue, sent special delivery from a deity who is testing and training you like a lab rat! And that is what we are saying when we fretfully ask, "What can God be trying to teach me through this tragedy?

Robert M. Price

Humor is tragedy plus time.

Mark Twain

Cookbooks, it should be stressed, do not belong in the kitchen at all. We keep them there for the sake of appearances; occasionally, we smear their pages together with vibrant green glazes or crimson compotes, in order to delude ourselves, and any passing browsers, that we are practicing cooks; but in all honesty, a cookbook is something you read in the living room, or in the bathroom, or in bed.

Anthony Lane

Relax and breathe. The trouble with imaginative people is that we're good at picturing the worst that could happen to us. Fear is often just the imagination taking a wrong turn. Bad criticism is not the end of the world. As far as I know, no one has ever died from a bad review. Take a deep breath and accept whatever comes.

Austin Kleon

A book can tell me anything it wants to, but I sure as shit don't have to believe it.

Tiger Gray

Will you read this? I think maybe it sucks. Or maybe it's awesome. It's probably awesome. Tell me it's awesome, okay? Unless it sucks." — Nick

Rainbow Rowell

For this kind of commodity will not bear exportation, the flesh being of too tender a consistence to admit a long continuance in salt, although perhaps I could name a country which would be glad to eat up our whole nation without it.

Jonathan Swift

The most successful critics are always scribbling things in their programs, largely because it gives them an important and industrious air. Also, it is interesting to try to figure out what you've written afterward. Last week, for instance, I made a very helpful note during the second act of a drama called "They Walk Alone." "Lanchstr get face stuck 1 these nights awful if," it seemed to say.

Wolcott Gibbs

If Patti Lupone was born to play Evita then Madonna was born to play Patti Lupone playing Evita.

Buck Bannister

If Makar Denisych was just a clerk or a junior manager, then no one would have dared talk to him in such a condescending, casual tone, but he is a 'writer', and a talentless medio

Anton Chekhov

Herr Kafka, essen Sie keine Eier." (As one and only piece of dialog K recalls from his meeting with Rudolf Steiner - "Mr. Kafka don't eat eggs.

Franz Kafka

Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!

Terry Pratchett

It is a popular fact that nine-tenths of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong. Not even the most stupid Creator would go to the trouble of making the human head carry around several pounds of unnecessary gray goo if its only real purpose was, for example, to serve as a delicacy for certain remote tribesmen in unexplored valleys.

Terry Pratchett

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Humor Quotes - Page 31

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