Humor Quotes - Page 30

Carisoprodol. Comes in a white tablet like a big-ass vitamin, 350 mg of muscle liquefier for those tense, recovering athletes and furniture movers. Too much, and those relaxed muscles include your diaphragm, then your heart.

Craig Clevenger

What is this thing? Did you make it?”“I am a chemist, aren’t I?” Laurence says.“You own a meth-lab,” Benjamin says. “That does not qualify you as a chemist.

Sam Hunter

New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed.

Bill Maher

But in those first hours after you take it, your brain is tuned in like nothing you can imagine. Eyes like the Hubble telescope, sensing light that's not even on the spectrum. You might be able to read minds, make time stop, cook pasta that's exactly right every time.

David Wong

I don’t mind crack,” I said. “I like crack as much as the next man. But it’s not doing a thing for my nerves, and I already have a splitting headache— I say, I don’t suppose those heroin dealers carry Anadin or acetaminophen or anything like that, do they?” “I think they just have heroin, Charlie.

Paul Murray

Please note, I am not suggesting that illicit drugs are required to break down social barriers.

Thomas C. Foster

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

Chelsea Handler

But even Es and cocaine, over the years they blow holes in your brain, rob you of your memories, your past. Which is fair enough, convenient even.

Irvine Welsh

Love is like the human appendix. You take it for granted while it's there, but when it's suddenly gone you're forced to endure horrible pain that can only be alleviated through drugs.

Reverend Jen

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

Craig Ferguson

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Robin Williams

I'm beginning to think that if you're going to have a role model you should probably pick someone who's already dead so they can't disappoint you.

Dyan Sheldon

Hey, Mrs. Jakes, how come people can’t afford new shoes or food, but they can still buy candy?” She smiled and waved him off. “Oh, people will always find a way to buy chocolate, Elliot. Chocolate is forever.

Jack C. Monroe

That narrows down the search quite a bit,” Daniel commented. “But what if you still don’t find her?”“Then I’m still not going to join the throng of mindless dicks out there looking for a dizney-whore to take advantage of.” Will was frowning but Daniel laughed explosively through his nose.“I can’t believe you just said that!

Rebekah Joy Anast

(Every great character, Iz, be it on page or screen, is multidimensional. The good guys aren't all good, and the bad guys aren't all bad, and any character wholly one or the other shouldn't exist at all. Remember this when I describe the antics that follow, for though I am not a villain, I am not immune to villainy.)

David Arnold

But, I still can't totally forgive Dave for blowing my world apart. DO YOU HEAR THAT, DAVE?!

K.M. Shea

Shut up, lumpen-head,” Billy had said, setting the stage for our future amicable relationship. I remembered that very well too. That had been a first too. Nobody had called me a lumpen-head before that. Tavi had had to explain what it meant, and then I had punched Billy in the stomach. People had to help Pradyun separate us and one of the ladies had exclaimed, “But she looked like such a sweet, little girl too!” “She's not a girl,” Billy had said. “She's an ugly lumpen-head, and her parents found her under a toadstool.” Billy had been a sweet, little boy himself. Still was. Hadn't changed a bit over the years.

Sonal Panse

Adam mused, “Incorruptus. I never thought anyone would use that word to describe Lynch.” Ronan looked as pleased as a pit viper ever could.

Maggie Stiefvater

She’s a mixed-breed and not the least bit aggressive.She decided long ago she wanted to be a pet dog, not a guard dog. I think that’s another reason why that man wanted to get rid of her. I’ve never understood all this fascination with aggressiveness. It’s like an epidemic. People don’t just want aggressive dogs, they want to be aggressive themselves.

Sonal Panse

She’s a mixed-breed and not the least bit aggressive. She decided long ago she wanted to be a pet dog, not a guard dog. I think that’s another reason why that man wanted to get rid of her. I’ve never understood all this fascination with aggressiveness. It’s like an epidemic. People don’t just want aggressive dogs, they want to be aggressive themselves.

Sonal Panse

It had been a big mistake, introducing her to Tavi on one of his visits home. She had fallen hard and made up every conceivable excuse to turn up at our place that week. Tavi had taken it in his usual stride; he was accustomed to my friends making idiots of themselves over him and he had developed a fine knack of rebuffing them without hurting their feelings too much. “You deserve a Prince,” he had told her. “So here's a tip – don't waste your time on a common man like me.

Sonal Panse

They just want to be part of the moment. A moment that's much larger than them, and even larger than us.

Goldy Moldavsky

How would you like to star in your very own commercial?""I'd rather swim in battery acid.

Robin Benway

Nick‘s eyes widened as a total state of befuddled huh possessed him. Was he in theTwilight Zone?

Sherrilyn Kenyon

I have never been reduced to begging somebody to leave me alone, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

Tom Upton

Forty-two!" yelled Loonquawl. "Is that all you've got to show for seven and a half million years' work?" "I checked it very thoroughly," said the computer, "and that quite definitely is the answer. I think the problem, to be quite honest with you, is that you've never actually known what the question is.

Douglas Adams

Masturbating the meaning of life since 1987. #lovewithmeneverdies

Pat R

I notice you didn’t include a blade with your new attire,” Royce said. “Not even a little jeweled dagger.”“Lords no.” Albert looked appalled. “I don’t fight.”“I thought all nobles learned sword fighting.” Royce looked to Hadrian.“I thought so too.”“Nobles with competent fathers perhaps. I spent my formative years at my aunt’s at Huffington Manor. She held a daily salon, where a dozen noble ladies came to discuss all manner of philosophical topics, like how much they hated their husbands. I’ve never actually held a sword, but I can tie a mean corset and apply face paint like a gold-coin whore.

Michael J. Sullivan

Daniel: So, how are you?Sophie: Buckling under the weight of a thousand expectations. You?

Maria Malonzo

You can pipe anything to anything else, and usually it'll do something. With most of the standard Linux tools, it'll even do what you expect.

Scott Simpson

Always fuck with people's expectations, sunshine. It's good for their circulation.

Tana French

This was our last night. We only had one curtain call, Bree. And I thought they were going to give us a standing ovation, but no-o-o-. Do you know why half the audience stood up?""To get a head start on the traffic," Bree said."To get a head start on the traffic," Antonia agreed in indignation. "I mean, here we are, dancing and singing our little guts out, and all those folks want to do is get to bed early. I ask you, whatever happened to common courtesy? Whatever happened to decent manners? Doesn't anyone care about craft anymore? And on top of that, it's not even nice.

Mary Stanton

Not kill us," Pigeon corrected. "She was mainly just trying to turn us into mindless slaves.

Brandon Mull

Yes," he said sincerely. "Such a one deserves peanut butter on the seat of his pants.

Patricia Briggs

You should be home sleeping. What is the use of having a man in the house, if he cannot take care of you for a while?” “Mmm,” I said. “I give up. What's the use of having a man in the house?

Patricia Briggs

Hey,” Watney said over the radio, “I've got an idea.”“Of course you do,” Lewis said. “What do you got?”“I could find something sharp in here and poke a hole in the glove of my EVA suit. I could use the escaping air as a thruster and fly my way to you. The source of thrust would be on my arm, so I'd be able to direct it pretty easily.”“How does he come up with this shit?” Martinez interjected.“Hmm,” Lewis said. “Could you get 42 meters per second that way?”“No idea,” Watney said.“I can't see you having any control if you did that,” Lewis said. “You'd be eyeballing the intercept and using a thrust vector you can barely control.”“I admit it's fatally dangerous,” Watney said. “But consider this: I'd get to fly around like Iron Man.”“We'll keep working on ideas,” Lewis said.“Iron Man, Commander. Iron Man.

Andy Weir

I stumbled up the hill back toward the Hab. As I crested the rise, I saw something that made me very happy and something that made me very sad: The Hab was intact (yay!) and the MAV was gone (boo!).

Andy Weir

The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago,' continued Marvin.Again the pause. 'Oh d—''And that was with a coffee machine.' He waited.

Douglas Adams

If only Myrtle would pay attention to the Boy's Own Journal, Blackwood's Magazine, etc., she would know that these creatures were Threls, who come from a worldlet called Threlfall on the far side of the asteroid belt. This Threlfall is a cheerless, chilly spot, and the whole history and religion of the Threls has been concerened with their quest to knit a nice woolly coverlet for it.

Philip Reeve

I Think, Therefore I Am ... I Think ...

David Ski

This existenitalist stuff sure is crap

Daniel Younger

I spent the afternoon musing on Life. If you come to think of it, what a queer thing Life is! So unlike anything else, don't you know, if you see what I mean.

P.G. Wodehouse

Perhaps not," said Will, who had ears like a bat's. "But I would make a radiant bride.

Cassandra Clare

How can you sleep at a time like this?” she asked, but the only answer was a low snore. She looked at him suspiciously. In the short time she had been with him, she had never before heard him snore.“You’re faking,” she said.“No. I’m really fast asleep,” came his voice from under the cowl.

John Flanagan

Anything happening,” she whispered.“Aside from you blundering about like a lost elephant?” he asked, in the same low tone.She nodded, accepting the rebuke. “Aside from that.

John Flanagan

You've always said I should have an inquiring mind," she said. "I have. But not an interrupting one.

John Flanagan

Those guards are going to be all sorts of pissed when they find out they've been following a bunny rabbit.

H.M. Ward

When I shoot, the ball bounces hard against the backboard, and flies wildly through the air, knocking the coach in the head. I slap a hand over my mouth. The coach barely catches herself from falling. Several students laugh. She glares at me and readjusts her cap. With a small wave of apology, I head back to the end of the line. Will's there fighting laughter. "Nice," he says. "Glad I'm downcourt of you." I cross my arms and resist smiling, resist letting myself feel good around him. But he makes it hard. I want to smile. I want to like him, to be around him, to know him. "Happy to amuse you.

Sophie Jordan

By(e) pen, I've tried my hand at poetry; only to see how boring it is to me. That is, unless I get a chance to destroy each and every piece while doing it as I please.

Criss Jami

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

Bertrand Russell

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Oscar Wilde

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

Oscar Wilde

In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.I don't think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.

Oscar Wilde

Avoid stock expressions (like the plague, as William Safire used to say) and repetitions. Don't say that as a boy your grandmother used to read to you, unless at that stage of her life she really was a boy, in which case you have probably thrown away a better intro. If something is worth hearing or listening to, it's very probably worth reading. So, this above all: Find your own voice.

Christopher Hitchens

If you have nothing good to say about someone, write a book about them. - Carmen Fox, Life Motto

Carmen Fox

Publish. Be damned. Repeat.

Tassa Desalada

If you took everything I’d ever found hot in a girl and piled them into a corner, you’d get Cricket Hunt standing in a corner.

Fisher Amelie

August said you row?” she asked. Her voice spilled over me like warm syrup. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the drugging sensation then realized she’d asked me a question.“Yeah,” I answered belatedly. Good. A short answer but it’s better than mouth diarrhea. “I row...a-uh-boat...with-uh-my teammates.” Superb! Just-uh-superb.

Fisher Amelie

All right people, listen up! If you've got a family back home waiting for you or if you just want to save your own skin, turn around and walk away. Also, women! I have no intention of fighting any women!

Hiromu Arakawa

Yesterday I got a credit card application from a major bank with a variable rate of 12.99% to 20.99%. Such a deal. And what if I fall on hard times and lose my job? So, I wrote them a return letter:Dear major bank, Thank you for the opportunity to express how I really feel about your corporation. What I do appreciate, is that there is no stamp required for your return envelope. After tearing off all my personal information, so some dumpster diver doesn’t fill out your application for me, and find out he picked the wrong target; I just wanted to make one comment: Your practice of usury is despicable, along with crashing the global economy.Danny - I think I have my grandmother’s charm and wit. Too bad she’s not here to share it with. Maybe if every disgruntled person would use that free envelope and apply their creative talent, they might get the picture that we’re tired of this bullshit. Marcie, there are so many people you could visit and test your information extraction program on, so what are you people doing here? Is this just a practice run? Well, you wanted to know what I was thinking. And you wonder why I look to God for solutions. Wake me up when it’s over.Marcie - You are a crazy SOB. You want me to use my system to play Robin Hood.Danny - You’d make an excellent Robin Hood, make sure you get your merry band to sign on. Maybe that’s the reason we were connected by design. How much materialism do you really need? Some people take what they need from the orchard and other people pick the orchard clean.Marcie - You’re wondering what I’m thinking. I don’t want to mess your mind up with what I’m thinking, so let me simply say, I don’t approve of what some of these people have been doing for decades. Who do you think I am?Danny - Someone who frustrates me, don’t we have enough guessing games in life?Marcie - Marcie is a miracle worker, so what does that tell you? You do not even know what to make of me, someone who keeps coming back for you, someone who won’t let go of you.Danny - Why is it that there’s only a handful of words for truth and over 100 synonyms and derivatives for deception?Marcie - Are you surprised?Danny - It puts it in a different light when you start reading through the list. You may as well add amygdala hijacking.Marcie - Has Danny been bamboozled?Danny - You picked one with an unknown origin.Marcie - That is the best way to start a mind game.Danny - Okay, just for kicks, try saying synonym - cinnamon 10 times as fast as you can.From - "The Mind Game Company - The Players

Andrew Neff

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Humor Quotes - Page 30

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