Humor Quotes - Page 27

Melody began to mumble incomprehensibly under her breath as she worked frantically on securing her most important papers into bankers boxes.tHer father stomped into her room, eating a banana.tMelody looked up at him with a sweaty and nauseated look on her face. “What are you tramping around so heavily about?” she asked him.tBernie finished the last of the banana, and then held the peel in his hand as though it were a washcloth he had just found on the floor of a gym locker room.tMelody pointed to her trashcan with her eyes.t“I make an insane amount of noise when I approach you, because you once yelled at me claiming that I was 'sneaking up on you',” Bernie replied, using finger quotes on the last phrase. “That kind of treatment stays with a guy.”tMelody shook her head. Her father knew how much she hated finger quotes. Why he insisted on using them was beyond her. “I was five at the time”, she said.t“Ah,” Bernie said, with a knowing grin on his face. “The angry period.

B.M.B. Johnson

I don’t think we’ve been introduced,” I said. “My name’s Zara. I’m strong, I’m fast, and I totally kick ass. It’s great to be me...but that means right now it sucks to be you.

Skyla Dawn Cameron

The room continued to spin though she was standing still, but her ears were hot. She felt like she'd just slammed three doubles of tequila and needed a fistfight chaser.

Michael R. Underwood

Rhiannon Anna Maria Reyes, (Strength 10, Dexterity 14, Stamina 12, Will 17, IQ 16 and Charisma 15 -- Geek 7 / Barista 3 / Screenwriter 2 / Gamer Girl 2) was Bryan’s secret weapon. Rhiannon (known to practically everyone as “Ree”) kept the café in fabulous baked goods, talked authoritatively about subjects from Aliens to Zork, and drew the attentions of countless lovelorn geeks.

Michael R. Underwood

There was something about Mikie that made me want to trust him. It might have been the Centanario Anejo.

Nadja Baer

Very well." He sat cross-legged on the floor of the cage. "You haven't run off so you want to talk. I will hear your explanation now.""Really, Your Majesty? So good of you to condescend. I'll try to use small words and go slow.""You're wasting my time. I know Jim betrayed me and you're covering for him. This is your chance to dazzle me wih your brillance or baffle me with your bullshit. You won't get another. When I get out, I won't be in the mood to listen.

Ilona Andrews

I only read books if Voltaire's cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.

Greg Proops

A crazy old lady, leading a band of teenagers against an angry supernatural Entity - who’da thought?

Diane M. Haynes

The werewolf pointed at a bench next to the door into the Kirkwoods’ tomb. “Sit. Wait.”Did I mention werewolves were chatty?

Mindee Arnett

My dad was nothing but a bingo call.

Ripley Patton

You know,” he said, “P.S.S. Piss Camp.” “Yeah, I get it,” I said, “It’s just not funny.

Ripley Patton

Let’s just say, there’s not much of a moon out tonight,” Nose continued anyway, “but if Yale joined us, there would be.

Ripley Patton

So,” Lauren said. “You help ghosts with unfulfilled wishes cross over to the astral plane for judgment.”“Yes.”“And you hunt demons.”“Yes.”“And you’re married to an angel.”“Yes.”She paused. “…so basically, you’re Dean Winchester.”I made an exasperated sound. “I am NOT.”She smirked. “Yeah, sure.

Kyoko M.

. In gym, she would purposely get on the opposite team of me and since we were still doing dodge ball; she would try to hit me. This brings us to one of the only things I understood from my brother and dad when they were explaining stuff to me: I now had quicker reflexes thanks to the awakened shifter gene. She couldn’t hit me even if the ball got launched by a canon.Well, maybe not a canon, but something that would launch it pretty fast.

Sara Massa

To call the place an anthill would be like calling the Versailles Palace a single-family home. Earthen ramparts rose almost to the tops of the surrounding trees--a hundred feet at least. The circumference could have accommodated a Roman hippodrome. A steady stream of soldiers and drones swarmed in and out of the mound. Some carried fallen trees. One, inexplicably, was dragging a 1967 Chevy Impala.

Rick Riordan

But it's the science of the stars!""She thinks it's Satanic. You gave her daughter a pentagram.""It's a natal chart, duh. You can't let ignorance trump science here, Miss Mary!

Felicia Day

(This is from me: I found this and I'm dying I apologize for any non-Supernatural fans out there but omg the fandom must read this.)Dean: Dad, this is Cas.John: I'm not working with any other hunters, Dean.Dean: He's not a hunter, Dad. He's an angel. John: Well, I knew you were gay but that's no way to introduce me to your boyfriend.Dean: What? No Dad, he's literally an angel. From Heaven.

Dean Winchester Jensen Ackles

I blew that clay pigeon to smithereens. I don't know why Mum got so upset. According to Uncle Andrew she's a crack shot herself. But she says I'm too young. What I'd like to know is how old does a person have to be before they get to do all the fun stuff?

R.L. LaFevers

The last wendigo died in 1962, or so the story goes. Reputedly, he (it?) stood in front of the train to Churchill, Manitoba, believing that the train would stop for him, a supernatural being, and then he would be able to eat the passengers. The train ran him over. Sic transit gloria mundi.

Lawrence Millman

I do not understand what makes mothers think they are walking-talking thermometers.But I think somewhere during the process of giving birth and changing diapers, they actually begin to belive they have this supernatural sense.

Melody Carlson

I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee with a note that read "12 reasons not to drink coffee". I knew we would get along.

Melody Sohayegh

I had a dream about you… but I don’t know you…who are you?

Rodney Jenkins

I had a dream about you last week. It was October 31, 2002 and we met at a Halloween party. You came dressed as yourself; I knew you’ve been hiding your true self all this time.

Rodney Jenkins

I had a dream about you last night... in it, I tried to sell a squirrel a deposit box to store his nuts in. He stole my cashews in the complimentary snack basket.

Marshall Ramsay

I had a dream about you; you were a zombie in a post-apocalyptic world. I was the only human left, you tried to bite me and I said no. We became good friends.

Rodney Jenkins

I had a dream about you. We were actors in a horror movie and I was hunting you down with a knife. When I finally cornered you the director yelled "Cut".... What? I can't be blamed for following instructions.

Georgia Saratsioti

I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black dress and high heels and I said "That's not what I meant when I said I bought them for you".

Georgia Saratsioti

I had a dream about you last night. In this dream we were walking down the beautiful Japanese streets of Florida. Fukuoka is nice in the summer.

Rodney Jenkins

I had a dream about you last night, you were the same piece of S**t I know and hate in real life.

Rodney Jenkins

We were fighting about nothing important while dreaming of the same things.

Boy George

Life - with or without softener- is hard

Kate Papas

If a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex-wife, what do you do with the lumber?

Neil S. Plakcy

There are two things you should never do alone: one is get divorced, the other is drink.

Cheryl Nielsen

When you're corked...you're corked!

Cheryl Nielsen

WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING?! Oh, right.$1500." From "Clown Porn" in "Broken Headbone

Ginny McMath

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.

honeya

FatherMichael:OK we should get on with this; I don’t want to be late for my 2 o’clock. First I have to ask, is there anyone in here who thinks there is any reason why these two should not be married?LonelyLady:Yes.SureOne:I could give more than one reason.Buttercup:Hell yes.SoOverHim:DON’T DO IT!

Cecelia Ahern

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife

Shelley Winters

It turns out there is something worse than attending a wedding where you don't know anyone: attending a wedding where you know six people, and they are all your ex-husband's best friends.

Lauren F. Winner

she was lying to him.”“But she is lying to him. You are lying to him aren't you?” Darren askedas he turned to me.“Of course!”“But the priest didn't know she was lying. Afterward, Moira had to chaseJacobi down to tell him the truth and then he hit her.”“He hit you?!”“Just in the arm. And even though it was supposed to be a hit it feltmore like a love tap.”“You guys! Y'all are making me skip over the best part!”“Right, the part where Moira is doomed to burn in hell. I almost forgot.Go ahead,” Darren encouraged.

Kaitlin Scott

I was convinced that there was at least a seventy-three percent chance he was gay. I bumped it up from sixty-eight after our third game. Zack showed up wearing a light pink shirt that was tighter than usual.

Kyle Adams

GUYS! Would you give it a rest?" Kevin shouted at them, "You're standing there feeding off each other! Dad – you're trying to prove to Ted why me and Dani are a Bad Thing – because you just can't bring yourself to admit that it isn't, even though you can SEE that it isn't! You know it! And Ted – you're pushing my dad's buttons on purpose because you're not so sure yourself how you really feel about us - her, me, any of it! So both of ya just SHUT THE HELL UP!" He turned back towards Dani, "Dani – you're beautiful and I love you – but this wasn't one of your best ideas. Now everyone just be quiet while I hit the stupid little white ball and make it go into the stupid little round hole! GAWD!"All three of them stared at Kevin while he swung. The stupid little white ball flew straight and high, and landed on the green. Apparently a little focus – no matter what it was directed towards – was just what Kevin needed.

Failte

...our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John's handbag.

Ann Somerville

Baby, you’re so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you.

Rhys Ford

I guess I might be bi-curious," Ben said quietly.""What?""I said I could be sorta bi-curious," Ben said loudly. "That's someone who is fundamentally straight but is curious about sex with

Eli Easton

If you're a boy, any display of sensitivity is gay. Compassion is gay. Crying is supergay. Reading is usually gay. Certain songs and types of music are gay. 'Enola Gay' would certainly be thought gay. Love songs are gay. Love itself is incredibly gay, as are any other heartfelt emotions. Singing is gay, but chanting is not gay. Wanking contests are not gay. Neither is all-male cuddling during specially designated periods in football matches, or communal bathing thereafter. (I didn't invent the rules of gay - I'm just telling you what they are.)

Gavin Extence

'How old were you when you realized you were... different?' Logan opened his mouth, then smiled slyly, 'What sort of different? Gay different, magic different, or just plain fucked-in-the-head-crazy different?' Collin bit back a smile at Logan's delivery, 'Magic different.' 'Ah,' Logan said, 'Pity, the other stories are a lot more fun.'

Lia Black

Day leveled Ronowski with a stern glare. “Ronowski, you are gay, man. You’re tightly closeted. But you are indeed gay, ultra-gay. You’re fuckin’ Marvin Gay. You crash landed on Earth when your gay planet exploded.” Day moved away from God and stood in front of an openmouthed Ronowski. “Come out of the closet already. It’s so bright and wonderful out here. Dude, I’ve seen Brokeback Mountain too, don’t believe that bullshit. No one cares who you fuck…ya know…like you tell me every. Single. Day. Of. My. Life,” Day said exaggeratedly.

A.E. Via

Gay ships are yay ships!

Every Fangirl Ever

Who has a house for ten years and doesn't own a drill? - KerryA gay man who has the phone number of a really hot carpenter. - Malcolm

Jaime Samms

I have a question for you, but it’s kind of...um, personal.” “Yes, I’m gay.” “You really are a fan of saying that, aren’t you?” “Once you start, you just can’t stop.

Diana Peterfreund

So you do know!" I shouted. My phone lay there like a genie's bottle, inanimate and yet containing the ability to grant me wishes and knowledge. "Girl, spill before I come over and dye your hair a natural color.

Atom Yang

Let me understand,' Omar said, his brow furrowed in concentration. 'When played with cars, people could get killed. But when played with kissing, people could get...kissed.' He mused on this for a second. 'It seems like the better option.''You'd think,' replied Kaitlyn. 'But if you were to survey one hundred high school boys, ninety-eight of them would tell you they'd rather die in a fiery crash than be caught kissing another guy.''What about the other two?''Statistically, they're already kissing each other

Xavier Mayne

Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. 'Nico, we need to have another talk about your people skills.''Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble.'Will turned to me. 'I apologize for my boyfriend.'Nico rolled his eyes. 'Could you not―''Would you prefer special guy?' Will asked. 'Or significant other?''Significant annoyance, in your case,' Nico grumbled.

Rick Riordan

With his arm back around Gavin's waist, Brad suddenly seemed very determined to get to their destination. Gavin was curious about it until he saw the restaurant. With rainbow flags hanging on either side of the sign mounted on the roof, it sort of looked like home base in a game of gay tag.

Kele Moon

Why are you asking me? I'm seventeen and don't know anything about what to do when you're autistic and gay.

Claire LaZebnik

He didn't look anything like the blokes on that gay porn channel Rory had clicked on by mistake when he'd been trying to find out how to make a daisy chain for Leo.

J.L. Merrow

[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being 'tolerant of differences.' The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is? Jesus Christ? Tolerance will not be, uh, tolerated. Oh, and tolerance is quite possibly closesly connected to gay-ance.

Celia Rivenbark

I felt very close to God.... My friends say that's because I was always on my knees.

Armistead Maupin

You had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone else had a chance to read it.

William Goldman

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Humor Quotes - Page 27

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