Humor Quotes - Page 25

This was one of those times that a pint just wouldn't cut it.

You're not going to answer, are you?" Jaenelle asked after a minute of teeth-grinding silence."No.""Don't you know the answer?""Whether I know the answer or not is beside the point. It's not something a man discusses with a young girl.""But you know the answer."Daemon growled.

Anne Bishop

Woman! Come out! I have—" She looked down at the bloodless grass, embarrassed. "I have come to rescue you," she finally said, as if admitting that she were covered in boils.

Catherynne M. Valente

And people think she killed him?" said Miss Tick. She sighed. "They probably think she cooked him in the oven, or somet

Terry Pratchett

Please consult your child’s Witch doctor before using this product. Diapers may cause severe allergies, internal bleeding, and irreversible sex change.

Kenya Wright

Yes, yes, mistress, I shall go and accomplish your task. Only—I was not only sent to kill the Leucrotta. There is a maiden in a tower—" At this the Witch spat, again rolling her marvelous eyes. "Those revolting creatures are always getting themselves locked up. If only they would stay that way.

Catherynne M. Valente

Men are pigs, darling. I really have every sympathy for women that they actually have to choose one of these arrogant, stupid morons to settle down with and marry.

Michael Winner

All three combined is...a different kind of stupid formerly unheard of by humankind.

Veronica Roth

Actually, I was prone to random acts of stupidity. I considered it to be one of my talents.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Listen, last time I talked to you three, you were all two oars short of having any oars, so I don't want to hear it.

James Riley

It's not that there is more stupidity. It just has more intrusive ways of presenting itself. It used to be, you could be near an idiot and you wouldn't know it. With today's advances, that's less likely.

Tom Levine

So this is what men are like. Well, that's it, then - I am going to be a lesbian.

Louise Rennison

Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen.

David Weber

A heavy gas generated by the fermentation of equally dense ideas, stupidity is the most common renewable source of energy, the easiest to extract, and the least costly, except when coupled with nuclear energy.

Stephane Mot

The sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.

John Cleese

Well,” I said, “you obviously have some power. You chased off those hooligans with rotten fruit. Perhaps you have banana-kinesis? Or you can control garbage? I once knew a Roman goddess, Cloacina, who presided over the city’s sewer system. Perhaps you’re related…?”Meg pouted. I got the impression I might have said something wrong, though I couldn’t imagine what.

Rick Riordan

I thought Candy Mountain was a real place

Sarah Martin

Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm.

Carl Hiaasen

He knows so little and knows it so fluently.

Ellen Glasgow

I said you lie, knave!” shouted Beaumains, drawing his sword. “And for telling such craven falsehoods, you must die!”The knight looked plaintively at Roger. “What’s wrong with this fellow?”“He was dropped on his head when he was a baby,” answered Roger.

Gerald Morris

[Francesca] 'You really are a few biscuits short of breakfast.'His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.'You're a few colors shy of a rainbow?' she offered. 'Not pulling a full wagon? Knitting with only one needle? All foam and no beer? Your cheese slid off the cracker? You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel?'[Nicodemus] 'All right. I get it.

Blake Charlton

Hiram!' Shelton ran to Hi's side. 'Aren't you you bleeding? I thought she shot you!''Red wine. When I saw it running everywhere, I played dead.' He winced as Shelton poked his belly. 'But I'm not leaping off any more shelves. That was pretty stupid.

Kathy Reichs

He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn't have time to sleep.

Tamora Pierce

Stupidity is much the same all the world over. A stupid person's notions and feelings may confidently be inferred from those which prevail in the circle by which the person is surrounded. Not so with those whose opinions and feelings are an emanation from their own nature and faculties.

John Stuart Mill

I'm fairly certain that YOLO is just Carpe Diem for stupid people.

Jack Black

Lebanon is the only country where media kills more than bombs, injures more than guns...and at last they say freedom of speech...

Hussein S. Hariri

U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation’s continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House.

Dave Barry

If we were to do the Second Coming of Christ in color for a full hour, there would be a considerable number of stations which would decline to carry it on the grounds that a Western or a quiz show would be more profitable.

Edward R. Murrow

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

Donald J. Trump

People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.

Jess C. Scott

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Dave Barry

These are all direct quotes, except every time they use a curse word, I'm going to use the name of a famous American poet:'You Walt Whitman-ing, Edna St. Vincent Millay! Go Emily Dickinson your mom!''Thanks for the advice, you pathetic piece of E.E. Cummings, but I think I'm gonna pass.''You Robert Frost-ing Nikki Giovanni! Get a life, nerd. You're a virgin.''Hey bro, you need to go outside and get some fresh air into you. Or a girlfriend.'I need to get a girlfriend into me? I think that shows a fundamental lack of comprehension about how babies are made.

John Green

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about the planet of Golgafrincham: it is a planet with an ancient and mysterious history, rich in legend, red, and occasionally green with the blood of those who sought in times gone by to conquer her; a land of parched and barren landscapes, of sweet and sultry air heady with the scent of the perfumed springs that trickle over its hot and dusty rocks and nourish the dark and musky lichens beneath; a land of fevered brows and intoxicated imaginings, particularly among those who taste the lichens; a land also of cool and shaded thoughts among those who have learned to forswear the lichens and find a tree to sit beneath; a land also of steel and blood and heroism; a land of the body and of the spirit. This was its history. And in all this ancient and mysterious history, the most mysterious figures of all were without doubt those of the Great Circling poets of Arium. These Circling Poets used to live in remote mountain passes where they would lie in wait for small bands of unwary travelers, circle around them, and throw rocks at them. And when the travelers cried out, saying why didn’t they go away and get on with writing some poems instead of pestering people with all this rock-throwing business, they would suddenly stop, and then break into one of the seven hundred and ninety-four great Song Cycles of Vassillian. These songs were all of extraordinary beauty, and even more extraordinary length, and all fell into exactly the same pattern.

Douglas Adams

City of Vassillian a party of five sage princes with four horses. The princes, who are of course brave, noble and wise, travel widely in distant lands, fight giant ogres, pursue exotic philosophies, take tea with weird gods and rescue beautiful monsters from ravening princesses before finally announcing that they have achieved enlightenment and that their wanderings are therefore accomplished. The second, and much longer, part of each song would then tell of all their bickerings about which one of them is going to have to walk back. All this lay in the planet’s remote past.

Douglas Adams

I can see that an insufficent, or perhaps even defective, socialization process has led you to believe that four-letter words add power to languauge

Douglas Preston

Before Charlotte could utter a syllable, Tristan picked up her gloved hand and kissed her lightly on theknuckles.“Good day, Charlotte,” he said.“Good day,” she answered. She turned to bid farewell to Lady Rosalind, but she seemed to havedisappeared.Numbly, she descended the front steps toward a waiting Rothbury, who only had eyes for the Devines’front door, looking quite like he wanted to murder someone.“Perfection, dear brother,” Rosalind proclaimed, while peeking out the little window next to the door.“Utter perfection.”Slipping a finger inside his cravat to loosen it a bit, Tristan craned his neck from side to side, easing thebuilding tension. “If he kills me, I’ll see to it that you get hanged for murder as well.

Olivia Parker

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

Gustave Eiffel

I don’t have a crush on her! Yet!”“Say no more, Dylan-whatever your middle name is-Blair!”“David.”“Whatever. By the power and duty of big brother, I command you to not have a crush on my sister, until I know you better enough!”“That’s actually quite fair.” “But I don’t have a crush on her!

Rea Lidde

Is that an invitation?”“I suppose it is.”“Good.” Cade’s voice dropped lower, adding one last thing before hanging up. “And tell your friend in the striped shirt that he’s in my seat.

Julie James

Did you talk to him about it?""Oh, sure. Nothing happened, yadda yadda. The usual. But my maydar went off like crazy.""Maydar?""As in, he may be thinking about super hot sex with her. Like radar, only not as sure.

Rachel Caine

Fortunately for Alan’s sake, Frank preferred beauty over age so I had no need to defend my territory.

Nicole Castle

Now, now.” I placed a hand on his back. “Jealousy colors you black, Geoff. If you wanted to be a pretty princess too, I would have bought you a crown. I’ll be back soon.

Katherine McIntyre

Please don’t hug me. Please don’t hug me.But she did. And now Bram had two sets of black eyes glaring at him.Finally, he said out loud, “It’s not me! I swear!” Rhiannon laughed and leaned back from Bram. “So cute! Isn’t he cute, Bercelak?” “No.”“Bercelak’s only teasing.” “No, I’m not.

G.A. Aiken

The poacher's murderer was a man after Archer's own heart, for Archer also didn't like men to hurt Fire or make her acquaintance.

Kristin Cashore

A part of me wants to spin around and slam the bottom of my heel into her head. In kick-boxing, we'd call that a Spinning Back Kick. Here, it's called, "how to get my crazy jealous ass fired." There's no way I'd get a thumbs up from Cain on that part.

K.A. Tucker

They were the kind of couple you rolled your eyes at. The couple you wanted to punch square in their perfect noses, but secretly hoped would become your new best friends and invite you to a private dinner party where you’d eat something made with truffle oil and share a rueful laugh about the party scene in Ibiza.

Matt K. Turner

Rachel crossed her arms. “And the other three Oracles? I’m sure none of them was a beautiful young priestess whom you praised for her…what was it?…‘scintillating conversation’?”“Ah…” I wasn’t sure why, but it felt like my acne was turning into live insects and crawling across my face. “Well, according to my extensive research—”“Some books he flipped through last night,” Meg clarified.

Rick Riordan

Animosity killed the elephant.

Kevin Dalton

Dennis faced him. They glared at each other again. Neither said a word until Dennis set the glasses down, leaned back against the counter, and folded his arms over his chest. "You're an idiot." "Seems to be a common conclusion. You're not my favourite person right now either.

Sloan Parker

There they were, the movers and shakers of Benjamin Franklin Hight - the sports stars, the cheerleaders, the good, the great, the gorgeous - bent over their pizzas.Trish sensed my angst and said, "My mother says girls like Lisa Shooty get the ultimate curse known to man.""What's that?""Too much too soon."I looked at poor, cursed Lisa who had been sprayed with sex appeal at birth. She had gleaming teeth and long, raven-black curls. She threw back her head and laughed with diamond-studded joy."When do you think the curse takes effect?" I asked."Not in our lifetime," Trish answered.

Joan Bauer

Unrequited love," I'd say. He'd look at me sideways in that cunning way he did and say, "what about it?" and I'd reply, "it's not your color." Pithy. Just to show him that I'd noticed. Or maybe I'd show myself to her and say, "Guess I'm not the only one who uses humans around here." And then I'd summon some of Owain's hounds to chew off the bottom bits of her legs. Then she wouldn't fit just right into his arms. She'd be too short. It'd be like hugging a midget. Nuala- pg. 75

Maggie Stiefvater

Jake's POV: Meanwhile, Ally was here with Marshall Moss, who she was obviously going to hook up with later. They'd barely stopped touching each other all night. Even now, they were out in the middle of the dance floor dancing to some Black Eyed Peas song. No reason to be touching for a fast song, but they were. Holding hands while they bounced around with friends.She looked happy. Which made me want to punch someone. Preferably Marshall Moss.

Kieran Scott

Jake's POV: It was just too bad that Chloe was freezing Ally out even though her family hadn't been affected. Because otherwise Ally would be here and maybe I could be making out with her instead of Lisa Freckles. Except that Ally would be making out with David Drake. Was that what they were doing right now? Hooking up at some party? Dorkus Drake got to kiss Ally Ryan whenever he wanted. In what universe was that okay?

Kieran Scott

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

Langston Hughes

Joy, humor, and laughter should be part of everyone's spiritual life. They are gifts from God and help us enjoy creation.

James Martin

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it’s free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE.

Mindy Levy

It had been an embarrassing moment, like the one you get when you realize for the first time that you have what it takes to become an accountant.

Sorin Suciu

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required.

Wes Adamson

Many things have been compared to a brick, mainly as a tribute to their intellect or to their aerodynamic characteristics.

Sorin Suciu

The distance had been evaporated by humor

Davis Bunn

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Humor Quotes - Page 25

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