Humor Quotes - Page 23

Perhaps there isn’t anything Alec is afraid of.”Magnus glanced at Alec and raised his eyebrows. “Boo,” he said.Jace was grinning. “Come on, surely you’ve got a phobia or two. What scares you?”Alec thought for a moment. “Spiders,” he said.Clary turned to Luke. “Have you got a spider anywhere?”Luke looked exasperated. “Why would I have a spider? Do I look like someone who would collect them?”“No offense,” Jace said, “But you kind of do.”“You know”---Alec’s tone was sour---”Maybe this was a stupid experiment.”“What about the dark?” Clary suggested. “We could lock you in the basement.”“I’m a demon hunter,” Alec said, with exaggerated patience. “Clearly, I am not afraid of the dark.

Cassandra Clare

I trust you all slept well,” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin.“Yes, we did,” Kaden answered quickly.“I’m sorry to hear that.

Mary E. Pearson

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

A sure way to start your own business is to stay out of everyone else’s.

Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who's at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?

Numerical superiority is of no consequence. In battle, victory will go to the best tactician."- G. A. Custer

Robert Lynn Asprin

My father looked on in disbelief, overwhelmed that his son had been taught to eat glass and relish it.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

Voltaire

Not that I'm complaining. It was better than my old dream, where Harma Dogshead was feeding me to her pigs.""Harma's dead." Jon said."But not the pigs. They look at me the way Slayer used to look at ham. Not to say that the wildlings mean us harm. Aye, we hacked their gods apart and made them burn the pieces, but we gave them onion soup. What's a god compared to a nice bowl of onion soup? I could do with mine myself.

George R.R. Martin

Do you see those dull stars?" She outlined the formation with her finger."A pentagram," whispered Scott."Yes, but not just any pentagram. Take a look through the telescope."Scott approached the eyepiece."They're not stars!" "What do they look like?" asked Jenn.Scott studied each of the figures."It can't be," he stuttered. "Planets?" "Exactly what I thought." "But how? They're completely off their orbits.""The earth's off its axis." "Mount Etna erupted." "Greece had a earthquake.""The whole universe has gone mad!" Scott exclaimed. "And my friends have supernatural powers," said Jenn.

Well, it's nice to know that the Trolls made it this far south,' Ulath said. 'I'd hate to have to go looking for them.''Their Gods were guiding them, Ulath,' Tynian pointed out.'You've never talked with the Troll-Gods, I see,' Ulath laughed. 'Their sense of direction is a little vague - probably because their compass only has two directions on it.''Oh?''North and not-north. It makes finding places a little difficult.

Wizards don’t believe in gods. They didn’t deny their existence, of course. They just didn’t believe. It was nothing personal; they weren’t actually rude about it. Gods were a visible part of narrativium that made things work, that gave the world its purpose. It was just that they were best avoided close up.

Terry Pratchett

Note to self," Joel commented. "When you go into Arious it's a 'no touchee, no zappee' situation! Paelen tapped Emily. "I suggest we try it again, just so I can see Joel's face when he gets zapped!" "Let's not, but say we did," Emily said.

The gods are nothing more than the creations of humans needing something to blame for their problems.

When, for instance, a highly esteemed professor in his seventies abandons his family and runs off with a young red-headed actress, we know that the gods have claimed another victim.

C.G. Jung

It is said that whomsoever the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad. In fact, whomsoever the gods wish to destroy, they first hand the equivalent of a stick with a fizzing fuse and Acme Dynamite Company written on the side. It's more interesting, and doesn't take so long.

Terry Pratchett

Thou shalt not submit thy god to market forces.

Terry Pratchett

I wonder how Admat can be everywhere. Is he in my sandal? Or is he my sandal itself? Why would a god bother to be a sandal? Does he wear shoes or sandals himself, invisible ones?

Gail Carson Levine

What’s going on?”“Nothing.” She coughed, and released Talaith’s hand. “Exceptyou have some powerful enemies.”“Tell me what I don’t know, witch.”“Powerful enemies who are gods.”For a moment, Annwyl was shocked beyond all reason…thenshe shrugged. “Now that I think of it—I don’t know why I would besurprised.

I hate being a teenager.""Why?""Hormones." With a sad half smile, he left.

You're amazing," she whispered hoarsely.He pushed back the hair from her face. "You too.""How? All I do is let you play me like a piano."He chuckled. "You've got a great keyboard.

Gorgeous,” he murmured.She chuckled. “Think you’l say that in five months or so? When I waddle like a duck and you have to tie my shoes for me?”“I’l say it then and forever.

Y are you called the cheese man?

Could you bring me to Rita’s house before we go to the airport?” I ask. “There’s one last thing I need to ask her to do.” “That is on the other side of the river,” says Ethan.“I know. But I need to see her. Please, I’ll be eternally grateful.” He doesn’t say anything, but instead puts the car in gear and starts the engine. After we are driving for about two minutes he asks. “How grateful?” Ah, I see the old Ethan hasn’t disappeared then. I smile and lean over to place a light peck on his cheek. “This grateful,” I say to him.“Hmm, I think you can do better than that,” he chides in good humor.“You’re driving,” is all I say in reply.“I can pull over,” he answers smartly.

When I was younger I used to think that band-aids did all the work. I mean after all, it binds your wound together and makes everything better back to the way it was. But then I became an adult and started to fall in love,fvi and I realize that band-aids are so overrated lol.

But I was starving! You know I always forget my lunch—and who expects me to concentrate on Advanced Manga Drawing Level 2 when visions of pork buns and powdered doughnuts dance in my head? Teacher Suzuki acted like it was the end of the world just because I got hungry,” --Bunny Lilka

Wearing that? Wouldn't you fancy a shapeless cardigan instead? You rock a shapeless cardigan, honey.

Sarah Rees Brennan

My name might be similar, but I'd never say 'Laters, baby.

Jennifer Probst

I rolled my eyes. "For defending my honor, you dullard."He yanked me beneath a shadowed awning. I had a moment's panic when I thought he'd spotted trouble, but then his arms were around me and his lips were pressed to mine.When he finally drew back, my cheeks were warm and my legs had gone wobbly."Just to be clear," he said, "I'm not really interested in defending your honor.""Understood," I managed, hoping I didn't sound too ridiculously breathless.

Arya did not dare [take a bath], even though she smelled as bad as Yoren by now, all sour and stinky. Some of the creatures living in her clothes had come all the way from Flea Bottom with her; it didn’t seem right to drown them.

George R.R. Martin

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.

There’s no accounting for the opinions of old ladies. They think everyone is cute.

Shannon Wiersbitzky

And what if that news anchor is creepy? He's too smooth, and he has that hairpiece.

You know there is such a things as a door," I whispered. "You should try it some time.

The Silver Siren Chanda Hahn

Most women beg me to lick them, and I give it to you for free and you push me away,” he said with a fake pout on his face.“You’re crazy.” I giggled“I’m the good kind of crazy, though.

Mr. Townsend quirks a brow at the other man, and when our boss walks away he sticks his tongue out to his back. I push my hair over my shoulder and look this man over a bit closer. His dark hair reaches his shoulders and falls in soft waves around his face. He has a strong jaw lined with stubble and high cheekbones under his impossibly dark eyes. His perfect teeth are framed beautifully with full lips and a dark goatee, which only highlight the voluptuous color of his mouth.He’s wearing a dark blue button up shirt that fits loosely around his arms and chest, but the fitted dark jeans show off the chiseled lines of his thighs. He pushes his chair back slightly and stands, extending his large hand toward me. “I’m Reid. Reid Townsend.”He’s tall, about 6’0”, with a smile right out of a toothpaste commercial, and when I take his hand (surely with a stupid look on my face) it’s rough from heavy use. “Nice to meet you. I’m Danielle Delaney,” I reply. “You can call me Dani… Or anything you’d like except DD, um, in high school some people called me Double D’s because of that name and because I have big boobs—” I cut off abruptly with a slightly choked sound, feeling the blood rush over my chest, face and ears. I’ve never blurted something like that before in my life, and I especially have never blurted anything because I’m standing in front of a beautiful guy—I’m the player, not the played.

You there is such a thing as a door," I whispered. "You should try it some time.

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.

The big kid hasn't said anything yet. 'I do like hearing myself talk,' I say, 'only because I have a lot of neat things to say, but eventually the conversation will run out in, like, four or five years, and then where will we be?' Wonder of all wonders, he cracks a little smile. I don't blame him. I am pretty funny.

I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU. She reached out and took a damp square of cardboard. Water dripped off the bottom. Somewhere in the middle, a few brown feathers seemed to have been glued on. 'Thank you. Er ... what is it?'ALBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT, BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE MELTED, said Death. IT IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD.'Oh ...' THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL, BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON. 'Ah...'IT WAS NOT AT ALL COOPERATIVE.'Really ...?'IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH SPIRIT AT ALL.

Terry Pratchett

Dad, is she serious?"John shrugged. "I argue with your Mama, I sleep on the couch and she doesn't feed me. So i dont argue with your mama.

I didn't hear you complaining last night.''That's because I wasn't,' she argued.'Then what's the problem?' he asked aggressively.'There is no problem. We had a good time and now it's over.''Just like that?''You want flowers?

Michelle Conder

Can dragons fly?"The apparent change of subject didn't seem to startle the Mage. "No. Not at all. They do not have wings, ... "If you want a flying spell creature, you need a Roc.""A what?""A Roc. It is a giant bird," Alain explained. Mari shook her head. "A giant bird. I'm crazy to be listening to this, you know that?""I have thought…” He fumbled for words, for a moment looking just like any other seventeen-year-old young man. Was that actually embarrassment showing? “You might…be interested…someday….in flying…on a Roc. I mean…with me.”  “Are you asking me on a date?” Mari tried desperately not to laugh at his discomfort. “A date on a giant bird?” “Um…I do not know…just something to do…together. That is not dangerous,” Alain added hastily.  “Doing something together, that isn’t dangerous?” Mari asked. “That would be a change of pace for us, wouldn’t it? … "Have you ever gone…flying…with a girl before?”  Was he blushing? Just the faintest hint of it, but—stars above. She had made a Mage blush.  “No,” Alain said.

Jesus.""I thought you were Jewish."He pressed his lips together for a second before looking at me. "Fine. I'll say Moses. Or Abraham. Happy?""I doubt Jesus is.

M. Kane

Have I told you I love you?" he whispers.I smile. "Not since this morning.""Unforgivable. I will tell you every hour of every day.

Have you ever kissed anybody?" he asked and took a sip.I smirked. "There aren't a whole lot of opportunitiesin the digital world. I did practice on my hand once. It didn't do anything for me".Justin coughed on the water he was swallowing and I slapped my hand over my mouth."Did I just say that aloud?" I mumbled.He was half coughing, half laughing. "Yes, you did", he managed to say.

Katie Macvinsky

But before any of the small appliances who may be listening to this tale should begin to think that they might do the same thing, let them be warned: ELECTRICITY IS VERY DANGEROUS. Never play with old batteries! Never put your plug in a strange socket! And if you are in any doubt about the voltage of the current where you are living, ask a major appliance.

Thomas M. Disch

Cade thought about this. “Let me get this straight—you secretly pretend to like poetry to impress the smart girl in your English class, while she’s secretly pretending to like football to impress you.” He paused. “That’s gotta be the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”“I guess her subconscious finds my subconscious pretty irresistible,” Zach said, all teenage confidence right then.“You were lucky to pull that line off once, Garrity. I wouldn’t push it.

How did you know I was different?” “You mean besides the obvious obsidian, the alien entourage, and the branch?” He laughed. “You’re full of electricity. See?” He reached between the seats and placed his hand over mine. Static crackled, jolting us both. Daemon grabbed Blake’s hand and threw it back at him. “I do not like you.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Rob opened the door, and a tiny kitten ran out. It stopped to sniff Rob‟s ankle and arched its back, spitting tiny kitty defiance at him. Rob scooped it up. The tiny black bundle barely filled his palm. Dark as ink, the only mark on it was a tiny white spot between its eyes. Rob looked up from the kitten to meet Jamie‟s wide-eyed attempt at innocence. "There was a cat in my closet.""I can explain," Jamie offered.Rob returned to the bed. He dropped the kitten in Jamie‟s lap, causing it to poke unfortunate things with tiny needle claws."Damn!" Jamie yelped, grabbing the kitten and putting a sheet between his delicate parts and danger. "I took out the trash yesterday, and there she was almost buried in a snow bank shivering.""It was ninety degrees yesterday, and there is no snow." Rob sat down on the edge of the bed. "Aren‟t you supposed to hate cats?"Jamie cuddled the tiny creature in his hands. It wrestled with his fingers. "That‟s dogs. I‟m not a dog, I‟m a wolf. There might not have been a snow bank, but it was dirty and hungry and very sad.

Then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there's a difference you know. ~ Finger Lickin' Fifteen

Janet Evanovich

Xavier, you have given me more grey hairs than all my sons put together.’ Saul frowned, then corrected himself. ‘To be fair, you and Zed. Just try not to add to them tonight.

New rules. If you are smart enough to live, you won’t hit Charles’s mate in front of his father.

Patricia Briggs

As he wasforced to tell his father more than once, “I said I’d fight for my mother’sthrone. I never said I’d die for it.” Then he’d add, simply to annoy the oldbastard into one of his frothy temper tantrums, “Don’t you think I’m toopretty to die?

You off then, Da?” she asked.“Aye. Too old for all this killing.” And to prove that, her father turned and brought his axe down on the head of a traitor that had gotten too close. Spun once more and cut off the legs of another.He faced them again. “Need to get back to my rocking chair and some hot tea.”“Clearly.

A whore Ailean may have been, but a loving, caring whore who adored his offspring and mate.

(talking about his father) 230 pounds of nickels in Sears slacks.

Bruce Springsteen

Do other dads not end their phone calls with existential despair? Because that's what my dad does. Papa ends most of his calls with me the way you might close a conversation with someone you want to menace. "Anyway," he'll say, "I'll be here. Staring into the abyss." Or, when I have given him good news, "The talented will rule and the rest will perish in the sea of mediocrity." Or, when I have given him bad news, "I am for for everything that happens to you, as everything is my fault." He never ends with anything that couldn't one day be construed as a tragic yet comic last word.

In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child's parent or grandparent.

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Marcus Brigstocke

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