Humor Quotes - Page 222

Hercules,huh? Percy frowned. "That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn--there he is.

I don't mean to be rude—" he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable."Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often," Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.

E Nesbit

I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.

Suzanne Collins

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

G.K. Chesterton

Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

Stephenie Meyer

People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

Christopher Paolini

Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter's forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. "Wake. Up," Four snaps. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it.

So what? All writers are lunatics!

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.

For instance, this new idea that You-Know-Who can kill with a single glance from his eyes. That’s a basilisk, listeners. One simple test: Check whether the thing that’s glaring at you has got legs. If it has, it’s safe to look into its eyes, although if it really is You-Know-Who, that’s still likely to be the last thing you ever do.

Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you...""Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.

Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection." He paused to reconsider that. "Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try." (Adrian)

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

Carolyn G. Heilbrun

Man, you weigh a freaking ton," he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?" "Why, is your head missing some?" I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been

James Patterson

When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles......they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.

Dr. Seuss

She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.

That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny.

Brandon Sanderson

People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.

The Little Boy and the Old ManSaid the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."Said the old man, "I do that too."The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."I do that too," laughed the little old man.Said the little boy, "I often cry."The old man nodded, "So do I."But worst of all," said the boy, "it seemsGrown-ups don't pay attention to me."And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.I know what you mean," said the little old man.

Shel Silverstein

It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

Alfred Hitchcock

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Robert Benchley

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.

It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.

Are you always a smartass?'Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Flannery O'Connor

If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.

Stephanie Perkins

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

Suzanne Collins

I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.

Suzanne Collins

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

Humor is reason gone mad.

Seventeen, eh!" said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred."Six years to the day we met, Harry, d’yeh remember it?""Vaguely," said Harry, grinning up at him. "Didn’t you smash down the front door, give Dudley a pig’s tail, and tell me I was a wizard?""I forge’ the details," Hagrid chortled.

Can you be a girl for a few seconds?""I'm always a girl" I frown."You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.

People, generally, suck.

Christopher Moore

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means 'flunk'.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

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