Humor Quotes - Page 221

You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident," Butch said.Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. "You broke my window.""Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it.""Twice.""Thus proving that he and I are outstanding marksmen.

J.R. Ward

Curiouser and curiouser.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

George Bernard Shaw

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

From behind Lissa, I heard Christian say, "Worst. Timing. Ever." Adrian studied Lissa and then looked at Christain sprawling on the bed on the far side of the suite. "Huh," Adrian said, letting himself in. "So that's how you're going to fix the family problem. Little Dragomirs. Good idea." Christian sat up and strolled toward them. "Yeah, that's exactly it. You're interrupting official Council business.

You forget, darling. the local psychopath.

Kelley Armstrong

when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.

MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.

Patricia Briggs

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!

Stephenie Meyer

Well, I certainly don't," said Percy sanctimoniously. "I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days." "Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?" said Fred. "That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!" said Percy, going very red in the face. "It was nothing personal!" "It was," Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. "We sent it.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Oh Tigger, where are your manners?""I don’t know, but I bet they’re having more fun than I am.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?

Terry Pratchett

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Benjamin Franklin

Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

Who're you going with, then?" said Ron."Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment."What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?""Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!"Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him."What?" She called back."Want to come to the ball with me?"Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look."All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face."There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake.

You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.

Charlaine Harris

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

Napoléon Bonaparte

Let's carpe the hell out of this diem.

Alexandra Bracken

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

Patrick Rothfuss

Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!”And she sprinted away, up the stairs. does she understand?” said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from.“Loads more than I do,” said Ron, shaking his head.“But why’s she got to go to the library?”“Because that’s what Hermione does,” said Ron, shrugging. “When in doubt, go to the library.

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

Christopher Moore

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.

Sophie Kinsella

It's not like there's a law against flying.""Yes there is. The law of gravity.

Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head." Eddie DeChooch

Janet Evanovich

Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Nothing's impossible!

Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.

Charles Bukowski

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Ellen DeGeneres

Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall."Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question.""D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern."Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin...

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily."So it is.""And freezing.""Is it?""Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.

[My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

To be is to do - SocratesTo do is to be - SartreDo Be Do Be Do - Sinatra

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)

You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

I dreamed I was buying new shoes last night," said Ron. "What d'ya think that's gonna mean?""Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," said Harry.

There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)

Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it. "Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Garrison Keillor

We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!

have i gone mad?im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.

Inconceivable!""You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

William Goldman

Sections in the bookstore- Books You Haven't Read- Books You Needn't Read- Books Made for Purposes Other Than Reading- Books Read Even Before You Open Them Since They Belong to the Category of Books Read Before Being Written- Books That If You Had More Than One Life You Would Certainly Also Read But Unfortunately Your Days Are Numbered- Books You Mean to Read But There Are Others You Must Read First- Books Too Expensive Now and You'll Wait 'Til They're Remaindered- Books ditto When They Come Out in Paperback- Books You Can Borrow from Somebody- Books That Everybody's Read So It's As If You Had Read Them, Too- Books You've Been Planning to Read for Ages- Books You've Been Hunting for Years Without Success- Books Dealing with Something You're Working on at the Moment- Books You Want to Own So They'll Be Handy Just in Case- Books You Could Put Aside Maybe to Read This Summer- Books You Need to Go with Other Books on Your Shelves- Books That Fill You with Sudden, Inexplicable Curiosity, Not Easily Justified- Books Read Long Ago Which It's Now Time to Re-read- Books You've Always Pretended to Have Read and Now It's Time to Sit Down and Really Read Them

You know what would help?" I asked, not meeting his eyes."Hmm?""If you turned off this crap music and put on something that came out after the Berlin Wall went down."Dimitri laughted. "Your worst class is history, yet somehow, you know everything about Eastern Europe.""Hey, gotta have material for my jokes, Comrade." Still smiling, he turned the radio dail. To a country station."Hey! This isn't what I had in mind," I exclaimed. I could tell he was on the verge of laughing again."Pick. It's one or the other."I sighed. "Go back to the 1980s stuff."He flipped the dail, and I crossed my arms over my chest as some vaguely European-sounding band sang about how video had killed the radio star. I wished someone would kill this radio.

No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?""What?""Oh, you'd like something simpler?

Terry Pratchett

They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are." The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes."Say 'Nevermore,'" said Shadow."Fuck you," said the raven.

Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.

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