Humor Quotes - Page 22

In my experience, the ex-military guys came in two types. The first grew long hair, sprouted beards, and indulged in all the things they hadn't been able do while they'd been in the armed forces. The second did their best to pretend they never got out.

Ilona Andrews

Your eyes having a nervous breakdown? Do you not know what to do? Well-guess what!” He stomps to the left of the recruit, pushing the recruit’s head into his until their cheeks meld together. He points out in front of them both. “I don’t care if some monkey is rippin’ your eyeballs out with rusty nails! YOU STARE UP FRONT AT ATTENTION! RIGHT THERE! IS THAT CLEAR!

J.K. Brown

The other day, we went somewhere, and did something.

Colby Buzzell

All right. They’re on our left. They’re on our right. They’re in front of us, they’re behind us. They can’t get away this time’.

Jeff Shaara quoting Colonel "Chesty" Puller

I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn't to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, "I'm going to shit my pants any second!"But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. "I'm not feeling well, and need to get home," I told him."Ok, but I have to obey the speed limit because of all the kids in the neighborhood," he replied.I was pleading with him to hurry up when he came to a complete stop.I screamed at him, "Why are we stopping?"He rolled down the window. "Retreat."I could see the flag lowering in the distance, the beautiful orange sun setting behind it.In the opposite direction I could see the roof line of our home - so close, yet so far away.As Retreat played, I surrendered. I pooped my pants. I took one for the flag.Now that's patriotism.

Mollie Gross

They kill hundreds of people, those pilots. I would have loved to have flown the plane that dropped the bomb on Japan. A couple of dudes killed hundreds of thousands. That f****** rules! Yeah!

Evan Wright

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

Gemini Adams

We're like America's little pit bull. They beat it, starve it, mistreat it, and once in a while they let it out to attack somebody.

Evan Wright

Colon has always thought that heroes had some special kind of clockwork that made them go out and die famously for god, country and apple pie, or whatever particular delicacy their mother made. It had never occurred to him that they might do it because they'd get yelled at if they didn't.

Terry Pratchett

You could say that Facebook is doing a far more effective job than religion at teaching us to 'love thy neighbor,' connecting us with random strangers and 'friends' from distant lands.

Gemini Adams

Fools live life; intellectuals only think thoughts arising from borrowed knowledge.That is why fools enjoy life while so called wise people are busy posting tweets about life. Unfortunately, I am a wise man.

Saurabh Sharma

That's why I'm not on social media. People are way too open about their private lives. I don't need to see pictures of what somebody had for lunch or hear about how difficult their last bowel movement was or see on a map where they were when either one happened.

Janet Evanovich

It seems we would rather have a past filled with great scientists than just great artists and writers who could dream up these wonderful and awe-inspiring creations. It's a strange irony: we're spending our time trying to find the truth in our past, but creating myths of ourselves in the present.

Aditya Iyengar

We have more ways to get our news than ever, which is supposed to be a good thing, because more competition is supposed to challenge you to do better. However, in this social media age, what is has done is allowed the information business to be a free- rein free-for-all. Old rules of journalistic integrity have been thrown out the window. Everyone has been given the conch, and no one knows what to do with it. Instead of using the new-media landscape to spur us to higher quality, we have instead become sloppier than ever: Tweet first, research later. Post first, rescind later. Guess first, confirm later.

Luvvie Ajayi

Emergency? Knighthawk sent. I’m just bored.I blinked, holding my phone and rereading that text.Bored? I sent. You’re literally spying on the entire world, Knighthawk. You can read anyone’s mail, listen to anyone’s phone calls.First, it’s not the whole world, he wrote. Only large chunks of North and Central America. Second, do you have any idea how mind-numbingly DULL most people are?I started a reply, but a flurry of messages came at me, interrupting what I was going to say.Oh! Knighthawk wrote. Look at this pretty flower!Hey. I want to know if you like me, but I can’t say that, so here’s an awkward flirtation instead.Where are you?I’m here.Where?Here.There?No, here.Oh.Look at my kid.Look at my dog.Look at me.Look at me holding my kid and dog.Hey, everyone. I took a huge koala this morning.Barf. The world is ruled by deific beings who can do stuff like melt buildings into puddles of acid, and all people can think of to do with their phones is take pictures of their pets and try to figure out how to get laid.

Brandon Sanderson

I was basically born knowing how to casually stalk people on social media.

Becky Albertalli

The more passionate and argumentative I get the more followers and friends I make online.

Tasha Turner

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter...with alliteration, no less!

E.A. Bucchianeri

Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!

Anthony Liccione

Nobody taught me to be like this. I was born this way. Since I opened my eyes to the world, I have never slept with a man. Never. Just imagine what purity. I have nothing to be ashamed of.[2000]

Chavela Vargas

I obscenity in the milk of my shame.

Ernest Hemingway

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

Bauvard

Mae's first impulse was to die of shame, but she realized after a hot, stomach-clenching moment that this was probably impractical.

Sarah Rees Brennan

What kind of one-night stand takes your car the next morning? It’s called the walk of shame, not grand theft auto.

Piper Rayne

What the hell?” I muttered. Then I realized it was Jack Quinn’s car. Jack was a Hound and Bea’s boyfriend. The left blinker flashed on for just a second, and then Jack drove at speed again.“Zayvion, I’m sorry to tell you I think I have a crush on another man.”“Who is this unfortunate and soon-to-be-dead fool?” he asked.“Jack. That’s his car. He must have been waiting for us, or maybe he followed us.”“Jack Quinn has been following us?” Shame said.“And now he’s taking us to Collins, I think.”“Or a trap,” Shame said.“He’s a Hound, Shame.”“My statement stands.”“You still don’t get it, do you?” I turned left, following the car. “Hounds are loyal. Jack and Bea told me they’d help me if they could. They’re not going to turn against me while I’m in trouble.”“What happens when you’re not in trouble?” Shame asked.“Don’t know. It’s never happened.

Devon Monk

Looks like it’s game time,” Shame said. “Beautiful day for some ass kicking, don’t you think?

Devon Monk

[The materialist] thinks me a slave because I am not allowed to believe in determinism. I think [the materialist] a slave because he is not allowed to believe in fairies.

G.K. Chesterton

An aged monk led me to the infirmary. "He's got the place to himself. Once the other invalids learned there was a dragon coming they miraculously got well! The lame could walk and the blind decided they didn't really need to see. He's a panacea.

Rachel Hartman

God is funny. He had a funny day when he made me. A funny, thoughtful, crazy day. He gave me a physique by which I would be so easily and so quickly judged, then gave me a mind by which I would so deeply magnetize, He put within me a heart with small, fast wings that I can hardly, barely handle, and then gave me a voice that hides behind everything in whispers. Oh, and also put a pen in my hand which writes me into madness! How can anyone possibly understand me? But I don't think God cared about that thought, when He made me! How ridiculously unfair!

C. JoyBell C.

I am astounded at how long it takes to discover... for the first time,the things I have learned... over and over again all my life.

Portia Nelson

You can't reinvent yourself using spare parts..."--Barry Randall from My Father's Ashes

Bruce Jenvey

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.

Quentin Crisp

The others can’t see me,” said the little ghost.“I know,” I said. “My name’s Gwyneth. What’s yours?”“Dr. White to you,” said Dr. White.“I’m Robert,” said the ghost.“That’s a very nice name,” I said.“Thank you,” said Dr. White. “I’ll return the compliment by saying you have very nice veins.

Kerstin Gier

No, little one, George's ghost won't come back. Human beings don't have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple.""How can you say that?" protested Mopple. "We don't know whether humans have souls or not.""Every lamb knows that your soul is in your sense of smell. And human beings don't have very good noses." Maude herself had an excellent sense of smell, and often thought about the problem of souls and noses."So you'd only see a very small ghost. Nothing to be afraid of.

Leonie Swann

I’m tired. Dead tired. So tired I can barely stay awake to write this. After helping Mr Bircher search for his head all night, I’m a little annoyed too. Dad doesn’t help. He doesn’t know what it's like for a girl my age, trying to fit in at school as much as possible, and trying to fit in all the dead people. It’s not easy being a soul helper.

L.P. Donnelli

Graveyards were the one place Belladonna never saw ghosts.

Helen Stringer

Boo: "Go talk to her."Callum: "About what?"Boo: "Anything."Callum: "You want me to walk up to her and say, 'Are you a ghost?'"Boo: "I do that."Callum: "I love it when you get it wrong.

Maureen Johnson

She needs you, Dad," Julia says. "She has unfinished business in this world.""What is the matter with you?" Charlie asks his daughter. "Any sane person would have told me to go to the doctor. I'm seeing a headless apparition every day. Maybe my medications are conflicting. You should see the list of side effects on this stuff.

Joey Comeau

I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.

Doug Solter

She told me it was unlucky to share a reading with others, but the main point, the one I don't mind mentioning because it seems relevant to the story, is that she said I had a kind of evil spirit following me. 'Obviously,' she added, 'that sucks. But if we get you some amber—

Olivia Sudjic

Confession was the emotional equivalent to puking, Riley supposed. Something bad went down, bits of it came back up, you felt better.

J. Fally

I will not let the non-knitters of the world decide how normal I am.

Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

How is it that standing outside for a minute in 90 degree heat is torture, yet standing in a blistering hot shower for 20 minutes is paradise?

Sara Marcus

Boys say they don't mind how you get your hair done. But then they leave you for someone with really great standard girl hair and the next thing you know you're alone with a masculine crop crying into your granola.

Alexa Chung

The history books which contain no lies are extremely tedious

Anatole France

Love is the purest form of each individual on the planet Earth

Nitin Yaduvanshi

I'm a female Fe= ironMale= manTherefore I am iron man

Val

For the Hypocritical, shit only gets real when it gets personal.

NightWriter

For the Hypocritical, SHIT only gets REAL when it gets up close and PERSONAL.

NightWriter-Booksie

You know what the worst thing about adults is? ...They're not always adults. But that's what I like about them.

Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.

Bill Watterson

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Erma Bombeck

He threw his hands to his eyes and hissed. Like the hiss of incinerating ashes. "What is this bright, orange orb in the sky that mocks me with its warmth?

Jesikah Sundin

Do you see that out there? The strange, unfamiliar light? It's called the sun. Let's go get us a little.

Nora Roberts

The patter of tentative footfalls reached my ears. I flipped on my side to face the door and saw Ansel wander by. I rolled onto my back, rubbing sleep from my eyes. I'd crashed on my bed as soons as I'd gotten back from school, collapsing under the weight of the day. The floorboards squeaked as Ansel passed by my door again. I caught his nervous glance in my direction before he hurried down the hall. 'Ansel, I'm not the sun; stop orbiting and get in here,' I called.

Andrea Cremer

Why's it so sunny?" she repeated.Zooey observed her rather narrowly. "I bring the sun wherever I go, buddy," he said.

J.D. Salinger

I don't need every answer. Just the right answer.

Garrett McCoy

Australia is filled with roundabouts and everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. In the end we decided to split up the work and I feverishly watched the GPS and yelled, "Left! Right! ROUNDABOUT!

Jenny Lawson

That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.

Christopher Buckley

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Humor Quotes - Page 22

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