Humor Quotes - Page 219

You could start a fire with the heat between you two.""You're mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection.

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

David Sedaris

It's okay," I said soothingly. "You're just getting your stride back. Once you're up to full power, I'll go crack a rib or something so we can test it."She groaned. "The horrible part is that I don't think you're joking.

Richelle Mead

It unscrews the other way.

J.K. Rowling

Two hundred Romans, and no one’s got a pen? Never mind!" He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write. Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form?Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up.

Rick Riordan

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Woody Allen

Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.

Charles M. Schulz

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.

Lemony Snicket

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

Soap?""School of America in Paris" he explains. "SOAP".Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed.

Stephanie Perkins

Jeez, Hazel," Percy said, "tell your horse to watch his language."Hazel tried not to laugh. "What did he say?""With the cussing removed? He said he can get us to the top."Frank looked incredulous. "I thought the horse couldn't fly!"This time Arion whinnied so angrily, even Hazel could guess he was cursing."Dude," Percy told the horse, "I've gotten suspended for saying less than that...

Rick Riordan

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze

Brandon Sanderson

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

Darynda Jones

Max, you're the last of the hybrids who still has...a soul.' ... 'She doesn't have soul,' Gazzy scoffed. 'Have you ever seen her dance?

James Patterson

I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush..."To be, or not to be, that is the question. Weeelll.... More of A question really. Not THE question. Because, well, I mean, there are billions and billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, weeelll, you're looking at numbers that are positively astronomical and... for that matter the other question is what you lot are doing on this planet in the first place, and er, did anyone try just pushing this little red button?

Neil Gaiman

If I'm walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.

Mercedes Lackey

I turned to Dionysus. "You cured him?""Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple.""But...you did something nice. Why?"He raised and eyebrow. "I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven't you noticed?

Rick Riordan

You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

Orson Welles

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Steve Martin

Great, tell me when you've defeated Voldemort for me, will you?

J.K. Rowling

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Joss Whedon

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Chelsea Handler

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

Winston S. Churchill

I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows- slow, dumb, and bright red.

Rick Riordan

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Mae West

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

Flannery O'Connor

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.

Jane Austen

Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.

Mary Ann Shaffer

What happened to your tan?"--Fang"It was dirt." --Max

James Patterson

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Mark Twain

He turned to Frank who was trying to pull his fingers out of the Chinese handcuffs…“Okay,” Frank relented. “Sure.” He frowned at his fingers, trying to pull them out of the trap. “Uh, how do you—”Leo chuckled. “Man, you’ve never seen those before? There’s a simple trick to getting out.”Frank tugged again with no luck. Even Hazel was trying not to laugh.Frank grimaced with concentration. Suddenly, he disappeared. On the deck where he’d been standing, a green iguana crouched next to an empty set of Chinese handcuffs.“Well done, Frank Zhang,” Leo said dryly, doing his impression of Chiron the centaur. “That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas.

Rick Riordan

A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.

Conan O'Brien

By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many.

J.K. Rowling

Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.

Tim Burton

No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.

Suzanne Collins

The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.

Suzanne Collins

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

Bill Watterson

Before I could figure out how to apologize for being such an idiot, she tackled me with a hug, then pulled away just as quickly. "I'm glad you're not a guinea pig.""Me, too." I hoped my face wasn't as red as it felt.

Rick Riordan

Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.

Suzanne Collins

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

George Carlin

A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly.

Lemony Snicket

For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.

Lemony Snicket

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Paul McCartney

Poirot," I said. "I have been thinking.""An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.

Agatha Christie

If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.

Eoin Colfer

What's that?" he snarled, staring at the envelope Harry was still clutching in his hand. "If it's another form for me to sign, you've got another -""It's not," said Harry cheerfully. "It's a letter from my godfather.""Godfather?" sputtered Uncle Vernon. "You haven't got a godfather!""Yes, I have," said Harry brightly. "He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy....

J.K. Rowling

This is Annabeth,” Jason said. “Uh, normally she doesn't judo-flip people.

Rick Riordan

Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

Mark Twain

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Groucho Marx

So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains.

J.K. Rowling

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.

Rick Riordan

Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better.

Michelle Hodkin

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Aleister Crowley

I feel like, like pudding," Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain.

James Patterson

Wait," I said as Noah slipped a book from a shelf and headed toward the door. "Where are you going?""To read?"But I don't want you to. "But I need to go home," I said, my eyes meeting his. "My parents are going to kill me.""Taken care of. You're at Sophie's house."I loved Sophie."So I'm...staying here?""Daniel's covering for you."I loved Daniel."Where's Katie?" I asked, trying to sound casual."Eliza's house."I loved Eliza."And your parents?" I asked."Some charity thing."I loved charity."So why are you going to read when I'm right here?

Michelle Hodkin

He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.

Terry Pratchett

My kids are starting to notice I'm a little different from the other dads. "Why don't you have a straight job like everyone else?" they asked me the other day. I told them this story: In the forest, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. Every day, the straight tree would say to the crooked tree, "Look at me...I'm tall, and I'm straight, and I'm handsome. Look at you...you're all crooked and bent over. No one wants to look at you." And they grew up in that forest together. And then one day the loggers came, and they saw the crooked tree and the straight tree, and they said, "Just cut the straight trees and leave the rest." So the loggers turned all the straight trees into lumber and toothpicks and paper. And the crooked tree is still there, growing stronger and stranger every day.

Tom Waits

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.

Douglas Adams

Curran looked back at me. "Why is it you always attract creeps?""You tell me." Ha! Walked right into that one, yes, he did.

Ilona Andrews

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Humor Quotes - Page 219

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