Humor Quotes - Page 218

Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks... then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get. It's really not even fair to everyone else.

Richelle Mead

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Robin McLaurin Williams

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

Dr. Seuss

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

J.K. Rowling

It's lovely. If only you could frost someone to death.""Don't be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it's a gigantic cake-

Suzanne Collins

You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.

Diana Wynne Jones

Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes.

Warren Ellis

Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!

Roald Dahl

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

Dorothy Parker

The Council agrees," Zeus said. "Percy Jackson, you will have one gift from the gods."I hesitated. "Any gift?"Zeus nodded grimly. "I know what you will ask. The greatest gift of all. Yes, if you want it, it shall be yours. The gods have not bestowed this gift on a mortal hero in many centuries, but, Perseus Jackson-if you wish it-you shall be made a god. Immortal. Undying. You shall serve as your father's lieutenant for all time."I stared at him, stunned. "Um...a god?"Zeus rolled his eyes. "A dimwitted god, apparently. But yes. With the consensus of the entire Council, I can make you immortal. Then I will have to put up with you forever.""Hmm," Ares mused. "That means I can smash him to a pulp as often as I want, and he'll just keep coming back for more. I like this idea.

Rick Riordan

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.

Douglas Adams

Sane is boring.

R.A. Salvatore

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Well, we were always going to fail that one," said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up and realize he had been describing the examiner's reflection.

J.K. Rowling

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

Stephen King

I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.

Libba Bray

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

Bill Hicks

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle."That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed."It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.

Joseph Heller

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.

Oliver Goldsmith

Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies

Rick Riordan

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

Douglas Adams

I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse.""I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.""I am your loyal servant and I just did.""Refusal means death.""Kill me then.

William Goldman

I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

Bill Hicks

How is it possible to have a civil war?

George Carlin

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

Rowena Cherry

Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.

G.K. Chesterton

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.

Terry Pratchett

HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)

Terry Pratchett

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Ellen DeGeneres

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Erma Bombeck

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Alas! Earwax!

J.K. Rowling

The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.

Socrates

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

P.G. Wodehouse

Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

What is it with you today?” says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face.“Oh, you know,” I say. “Sun shining. Birds chirping.”She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel.

Veronica Roth

You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

Joss Whedon

It has often been saidthere’s so much to be read,you never can cramall those words in your head.So the writer who breedsmore words than he needsis making a chorefor the reader who reads.That's why my belief isthe briefer the brief is,the greater the sighof the reader's relief is.And that's why your bookshave such power and strength.You publish with shorth!(Shorth is better than length.)

Dr. Seuss

Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?

J.K. Rowling

Take some more tea," the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly."I've had nothing yet," Alice replied in an offended tone, "so I can't take more." than nothing." opinion," said Alice.

Lewis Carroll

The love of books is among the choicest gifts of the gods.

Arthur Conan Doyle

I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.

John Barrowman

You're a stalker with hooves.""I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.

Rick Riordan

Blackjack," Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."The horse nickered."Uh, maybe later," Percy answered.Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action."What does Blackjack want?" she asked."Donuts," Percy said. "Always donuts.

Rick Riordan

I said hello to the poodle.

Rick Riordan

Bravo," said Grimalkin, peering down from Cold Tom's chest. "The Winter prince and Oberon's jester agreeing on something. The world must be ending.

Julie Kagawa

Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.

Terry Pratchett

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Jerry Seinfeld

A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

Charlie Chaplin

Elend: I kind of lost track of time…Breeze: For two hours?Elend: There were books involved.

Brandon Sanderson

So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —”“Don’t talk to your mother like that.

J.K. Rowling

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Steven Wright

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

George Carlin

Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?" Minho asked, pulling Thomas's attention away from Alby."Go ahead," Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. "Be careful," he said dryly. "Don't die.

James Dashner

What are you grinning at?" Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. "Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we're both on the verge of an enormous joke.""Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.

Kristin Cashore

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Humor Quotes - Page 218

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