Humor Quotes - Page 217

It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what.", The Guardian, 5 June 2005]

Stephen Fry

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Mark Twain

Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy—this boy!—knows nothin' abou'—about ANYTHING?"Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad."I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff.

J.K. Rowling

Awww," Minho said. "That's almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.

James Dashner

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

P.G. Wodehouse

I'm going to talk to her.""And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!

J.R. Ward

If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the world. It's impossible.

J.D. Salinger

You were wrong. She really is the new general in town."I smiled back, hoping he wasn't aware of my body's reaction to us standing so close. "Maybe. But, it's okay. You can still be colonel."He arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Did you demote yourself? Colonel's right below general. What's that make you?"I reached into my pocket and triumphantly flashed the CR-V keys I'd swiped when we'd come back inside. "The driver," I said.

Richelle Mead

So I hear we get to go to town this weekend. Want to catch a movie or something?--ZP.S. That is, if Jimmy doesn't mind.Translation: This weekend might be a good chance for us to see each other outside our school in a social environment, free of competetiton. I do not view other boys as threats, and I enjoy making them seem insignificant by calling them the wrong names. (Translation by Macey McHenry)

Ally Carter

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

Think, think, think.

A.A. Milne

You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!

Georgette Heyer

In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.

Marjane Satrapi

Then you remember the dream,” Mencheres stated. “That bodes ill.” The fear of that made my reply snappy. “Hey, Walks Like An Egyptian, how about for once you drop the formal stuff and talk like you live in the twenty-first century?” The shit’s gonna splatter, start buggin’, yo,” Mencheres responded instantly. I stared at him, then burst out laughing, which was highly inappropriate considering the very grave warning he’d just conveyed.

Jeaniene Frost

Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

Eleanor Roosevelt

They're book addicts.

Lemony Snicket

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.

Rudyard Kipling

Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?

Terry Pratchett

Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.

Neil Gaiman

Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.

Derek Landy

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

Rita Rudner

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

Jon Stewart

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Stephen Colbert

Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours - he was incredibly good at it.

Terry Pratchett

I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.

Veronica Roth

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

Albert Camus

You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister.""Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure.""I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said. "Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs."And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune. When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king.

George R.R. Martin

It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-""You invented the internet?", Martha said., George said."It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point.

Rick Riordan

Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy.

Rachel Caine

You wanted to lick my face the first time you saw me? Is that usually what you do when you’re attracted to guys?” I shake my head. “Not your face, your dimple. And no. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had the urge to lick.” He smiles at me confidently. “Good. Because you’re the only girl I’ve ever had the urge to love.

Colleen Hoover

This is Leo. I'm the... What's my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or...""Repair boy.""Very funny, Piper.

Rick Riordan

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Terry Pratchett

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

Harlan Ellison

Are you sleepwalking?' A voice asked behind me. "I was testing dorm security," I said. "It sucks.

Richelle Mead

Hermione launched herself forwards and started punching every inch of him that she could reach.'Ouch — ow — gerroff! What the — ? Hermione — OW!'“You — complete — arse — Ronald — Weasley!”She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced.

J.K. Rowling

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Kurt Cobain

I couldn't believe I'd come this far, lost Tyson, suffered through so much, only to fail - stopped by a big stupid monster in a baby-blue tuxedo kilt. Nobody was going to swat down my friends like that! I mean...nobody, not Nobody. Ah, you know what I mean.

Rick Riordan

I don't accept the currently fashionable assertion that any view is automatically as worthy of respect as any equal and opposite view. My view is that the moon is made of rock. If someone says to me 'Well, you haven't been there, have you? You haven't seen it for yourself, so my view that it is made of Norwegian Beaver Cheese is equally valid' - then I can't even be bothered to argue. There is such a thing as the burden of proof, and in the case of god, as in the case of the composition of the moon, this has shifted radically. God used to be the best explanation we'd got, and we've now got vastly better ones. God is no longer an explanation of anything, but has instead become something that would itself need an insurmountable amount of explaining. So I don't think that being convinced that there is no god is as irrational or arrogant a point of view as belief that there is. I don't think the matter calls for even-handedness at all.

Douglas Adams

We could visit him," suggests Will. "But what would we say? 'I didn't know you that well, but I'm sorry you got stabbed in the eye'?

Veronica Roth

I'm Draco Malfoy, I'm Draco, I'm on your side!"Draco was on the upper landing, pleading with another masked Death Eater. Harry Stunned the Death Eater as they passed: Malfoy looked around, beaming, for his savior, and Ron punched him from under the cloak. Malfoy fell backward on top of the Death Eater, his mouth bleeding, utterly bemused."And that's the second time we've saved your life tonight, you two-faced bastard!" Ron yelled.

J.K. Rowling

You sneaked into my cabin?”Annabeth rolled her eyes. “Percy, you’ll be seventeen in two months. You can’t seriously be worried about getting in trouble with Coach Hedge.”“Uh, have you seen his baseball bat?”“Besides, Seaweed Brain, I just thought we could take a walk. We haven’t had any time to be together alone. I want to show you something—my favorite place aboard the ship.”Percy’s pulse was still in overdrive, but it wasn’t from fear of getting in trouble. “Can I, you know, brush my teeth first?”“You'd better,” Annabeth said. “Because I’m not kissing you until you do. And brush your hair while you’re at it.

Rick Riordan

Erre es korakas, Blinky!" Dionysus cursed. "I will have your soul!

Rick Riordan

Mythologically speaking, if there's anything I hate worse than trios of old ladies, it's bulls. Last summer, I fought the Minotaur on top of Half-Blood Hill. This time what I saw up there was even worse: two bulls. And not just regular bulls - bronze ones the size of elephants. And even that wasn't bad enough. Naturally they had to breathe fire, too.

Rick Riordan

A great nose may be an indexOf a great soul

Edmond Rostand

Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren't missionaries."I opened my eyes wide. "No? Well, for God's sake, don't tell them. They'd be crushed. Thinking they're doing the Lord's work and all.

James Patterson

The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it.

Criss Jami

We have to be back in three hours," Ronan said. "I just fed Chainsaw but she'll need it again.""This," Gansey replied "is precisely why I didn't want to have a baby with you.

Maggie Stiefvater

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

Henry David Thoreau

Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.

Meg Cabot

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

Albert Einstein

Poison!" Grover yelped. "Don't let those things touch you or...""Or we'll die?" I guessed."Well...after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes.""Let's avoid the swords," I decided.

Rick Riordan

I heard the man and woman cry a warning as I frantically racked my brain for some sort of throat-repairing spell, which I was clearly about to need. Of course the only words that I actually managed to yell at the werewolf as he ran at me were, 'BAD DOG!'Then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a flash of blue light on my left. Suddenly, the werewolf seemed to smack into an invisible wall just inches in front of me...."You know," someone said off to my left, "I usually find a blocking spell to be a lot more effective than yelling 'Bad dog,' but maybe that's just me.

Rachel Hawkins

A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.

Richelle Mead

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

Rick Riordan

Reyna sent me to get Percy," Frank said. "Did Octavian accept you?""Yeah," Percy said. "He slaughtered my panda.

Rick Riordan

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

Peter Ustinov

I quote others only in order the better to express myself.

Michel de Montaigne

It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.

Charlaine Harris

How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?"Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.

James Patterson

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

Groucho Marx

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Humor Quotes - Page 217

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