Humor Quotes - Page 216

I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.

I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

George Carlin

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

Douglas Adams

Almost everything strange washes up near Miami.

Rick Riordan

You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?''REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.

Neil Gaiman

This book was written using 100% recycled words.

Terry Pratchett

These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time." Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail.""I was referring to the Bible."Faukman cringed. "I knew that.

Dan Brown

I hate you," I muttered.Noah smiled wider. "I know.

Michelle Hodkin

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.", 1657)

Blaise Pascal

Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing.

Jon Scieszka

Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)

Ally Carter

Have you ever had a girlfriend, Kenji?" me?

Tahereh Mafi

You smell good," he whispered into my neck. He was warm against me. Instinctively, I arched back into him and smiled. "Really?" "Mmm-hmm. Delicious. Like bacon.

Michelle Hodkin

No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.

Ernest Cline

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

Arthur Schopenhauer

Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time."What," I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all over it, "the hell?""You were convinced they were your pets," Noah said, not even trying to suppress his laughter. "You wouldn't let me touch them.

Michelle Hodkin

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

A.A. Milne

Hello, Minister!" bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. "Did I mention I'm resigning?

J.K. Rowling

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

Stephen Fry

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

George Bernard Shaw

Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.

Christopher Paolini

I've had great success being a total idiot.

Jerry Lewis

Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘... Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.

Neil Gaiman

Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.

Neal Stephenson

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'""The mood will pass, sir.

P.G. Wodehouse

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

George Bernard Shaw

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Jon Stewart

Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?""I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?""No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking.

Rachel Caine

I wasn't fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. "There's nothing to talk about.""I knew you'd say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and 'I don't know what you're talking about.'"Dimitri sighed.

Richelle Mead

Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'It was the perfect motto for Morganville.

Rachel Caine

Is there any point asking what you're going to make me do on Sunday?''Not really.'Okay. 'Is there any point asking what you're going to do to me?'He grinned wickedly. 'Not really.'Fabulous. 'Does it involve the use of a safe word?''That will depend entirely on you.' Noah moved impossibly closer, just inches away. A few freckles disappeared into the scruff on his jaw. 'I'll be gentle,' Noah added. My breath caught in my throat as he looked at me from beneath those lashes, ruining me.I narrowed my eyes at him. 'You're evil.'In response, Noah smiled, and raised his finger to gently tap the tip of my nose. 'And you're mine,' he said, then walked away.

Michelle Hodkin

What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.

Douglas Adams

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.

Lemony Snicket

He f**ks even better than he looks”, I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn’t care; I was pissed. “And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry.

Jeaniene Frost

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

Augusten Burroughs

We are not going to die." Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?" "No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.

Jim Butcher

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Jon Stewart

It’s sarcasm, Josh.”“Sarcasm?”“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”“There you go, you got it.”“Got what?”“Sarcasm.”“No, I meant it.”“Sure you did.”“Is that sarcasm?”“Irony, I think.”“What’s the difference?”“I haven’t the slightest idea.”“So you’re being ironic now, right?”“No, I really don’t know.”“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”“Now you’ve got it.”“What?”“Sarcasm.

Christopher Moore

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

Bill Watterson

Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.

Greg Behrendt

Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts

Jim Morrison

Leo couldn't help smiling. "That could be fun.""Fun" she said unhappily."Blue elephants.""Blue elephants.""Kiss me you fool.""You fool.

Rick Riordan

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

George Carlin

I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Roald Dahl

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Carl Sagan

Fine! I'll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I'm in my pj's""I'm a guy. That's like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter.

Becca Fitzpatrick

There are never enough 'I love you's.

Lenny Bruce

The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up" "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!" "And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in.

J.K. Rowling

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

Dorothy Parker

How do I know you'll keep your word?" asked Coraline."I swear it," said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave.""Does she have a grave?" asked Coraline."Oh yes," said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back.

Neil Gaiman

I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.

Susan Ee

A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.

Ray Bradbury

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

David Sedaris

Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.

Flannery O'Connor

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

Bill Watterson

I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,

Jeff Kinney

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Humor Quotes - Page 216

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