Humor Quotes - Page 215

Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck."Phury: "That was you?"Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?

J.R. Ward

Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.

Frank Zappa

We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.

Jim Butcher

Fate," Blue replied, glowering at her mother, "is a very weighty word to throw around before breakfast.

Maggie Stiefvater

What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

Jess C. Scott

People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.

Carlos Ruiz Zafón

Piece of Heaven?" "No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking.

Richelle Mead

I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.

Ally Carter

There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness.

Kristin Cashore

Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.

Steve Martin

Meaning what? We're going to pretend nothing's going on? That's stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open."Have you been watching Oprah again?

James Patterson

If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.

Douglas Adams

Q: You'er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this?A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw one hand to the top, try to hang on long enough for a comrade to either grab your hand at the top or for another comrade to push your butt up from below. It takes team work! over it.

James Patterson

We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.

David Mamet

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are...

J.K. Rowling

Take bread away from me, if you wish,take air away, butdo not take from me your laughter.Do not take away the rose,the lance flower that you pluck,the water that suddenlybursts forth in joy,the sudden waveof silver born in you.My struggle is harsh and I come backwith eyes tiredat times from having seenthe unchanging earth,but when your laughter entersit rises to the sky seeking meand it opens for me allthe doors of life.My love, in the darkesthour your laughteropens, and if suddenlyyou see my blood stainingthe stones of the street,laugh, because your laughterwill be for my handslike a fresh sword.Next to the sea in the autumn,your laughter must raiseits foamy cascade,and in the spring, love,I want your laughter likethe flower I was waiting for,the blue flower, the roseof my echoing country.Laugh at the night,at the day, at the moon,laugh at the twistedstreets of the island,laugh at this clumsyfool who loves you,but when I openmy eyes and close them,when my steps go,when my steps return,deny me bread, air,light, spring,but never your laughter.

Pablo Neruda

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

Criss Jami

Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes.

John Green

Here is a lesson in creative writing.First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.And I realize some of you may be having trouble deciding whether I am kidding or not. So from now on I will tell you when I'm kidding.For instance, join the National Guard or the Marines and teach democracy. I'm kidding.We are about to be attacked by Al Qaeda. Wave flags if you have them. That always seems to scare them away. I'm kidding.If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?'Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

Frank Zappa

I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire.

Ilona Andrews

His Majesty needs a can-I girl anyway. And I'm not it.""A can-I girl?" Andrea frowned. I leaned back. "'Can I fetch your food, Your Majesty? Can I tell you how strong and mighty you are, Your Majesty? Can I pick your fleas, Your Majesty? Can I kiss your ass, Your Majesty? Can I..." It dawned on me that Raphael was sitting very still. Frozen, like a statue, his gaze fixed on the point above my head. "He's standing behind me, isn't he?" Andrea nodded slowly."Technically it should be 'may I'," Curran said, his voice deeper than I remembered. "Since you're asking for permission." Why me? "To answer your question, yes, you may kiss my ass. Normally I prefer maintain my personal space, but you're a Friend of the Pack and your services have proven useful once or twice. I strive to accommodate the wishes of persons friendly to my people. My only question is, would kissing my ass be obeisance, grooming, or foreplay?

Ilona Andrews

I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.

Jeaniene Frost

As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?

Bill Bryson

I don't put up with being messed around, and I don't suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I'm a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.

Robin McKinley

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

Mae West

People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.

Brandon Sanderson

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

Dave Barry

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

George Carlin

That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days.You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean....Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE.

James Patterson

Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong.

Tamora Pierce

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

Terry Pratchett

Fred, you next," the plump woman said. "I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?" "Sorry, George, dear." "Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.

J.K. Rowling

Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.

P.G. Wodehouse

I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon’s... backside.

J.K. Rowling

Frank stared at him. "Unfair? You can breathe underwater and blow up glaciers and summon freaking hurricanes-and it's unfair that I can be an elephant?"Percy considered. "Okay. I guess you got a point. But the next time I say you're totally beast-""Just shut up," Frank said. "Please."Percy cracked a smile.

Rick Riordan

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

Dorothy Parker

Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry" said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron's raised eyebrows, blushing slightly and saying "oh you know what I mean - Goyle's Potion looked like bogies.

J.K. Rowling

Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy? "I try very hard to be annoying," Leo said. "Don't insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I'm a lowly mechanic. You're like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I'm supposed to resent you." "Lord of the Universe?" (Jason) "Sure, you're all-bam! Lightning man. And 'Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-" (Leo) "Shut up, Valdez." (Jason) Leo managed a little smile. "Yeah, see. I do annoy you." "I apologize for apologizing." (Jason) "Thank you." He went back to work, but the tension had eased between them. Leo still looked sad and exhausted-just not quite so angry.

Rick Riordan

We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant

Derek Landy

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Groucho Marx

Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good.

Lora Brody

Do not do that again," he said stiffly."Don't kiss me back then," I retorted.He stared at me for what seemed like forever. "I don't give 'Zen lessons' to hear myself talk. I don't give them because you're another student. I'm doing this to teach you control.""You're doing a great job," I said bitterly.

Richelle Mead

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

George Carlin

Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.

Jane Austen

I can't go on, I'll go on.

Samuel Beckett

I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited toschool for Career Day.

Rick Riordan

Okay," I said. "Just a normal afternoon and two normal people."She nodded. "And so...hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?""Oh..." I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. "Um...

Rick Riordan

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

Dorothy Parker

25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again.

Neil Gaiman

Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

Henry David Thoreau

Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck...Attempting harder to give a fuck...Sorry, there was an error; fuck not given.

Suzanne Wright

Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

Veronica Roth

You're not a woman," he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!

Jeaniene Frost

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Bill Watterson

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said. China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.

Derek Landy

Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.

Laurie Halse Anderson

Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.

J.K. Rowling

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Dorothy Parker

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Humor Quotes - Page 215

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