Humor Quotes - Page 214

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.

Are you insinuatin' that my daughter is a liar?""Oh, no, not at all. I'm saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference.

Kami Garcia

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp...this is one of those moments.

Emma Chase

There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.

Christopher Moore

Well then," Roen said briskly, "are you sleeping?""Yes.""Come now. A mother can tell when her son lies. Are you eating?""No," Brigan said gravely. "I've not eaten in two months. It's a hunger strike to protest the spring flooding in the south.""Gracious," Roen said, reaching for the fruit bowl. "Have an apple, dear.

Kristin Cashore

Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.

Chuck Klosterman

In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.

Terry Pratchett

I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.'This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.

Dave Barry

I knew I could do it all this time,” said Harry, “Because I'd already done it... does that make sense?

J.K. Rowling

My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.” After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.

Darynda Jones

I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.

J.K. Rowling

I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.

Brandon Sanderson

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Lily Tomlin

Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed."Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs.""Really?""Oh, yes."She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?""They just are.""In what way?""In a magicky way."She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?""Not really.

Derek Landy

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Woody Allen

Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.

John Green

Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Charles M. Schulz

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

Eoin Colfer

Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?""Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.""Kissed a couple of times," Percy said.Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!

Rick Riordan

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Colleen Hoover

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

George Carlin

Am I about to discover where you, Ron, and Hermione disappeared to while you were supposed to be in the back room of Fred and George's shop?''How did you...?''Harry, please. You're talking to the man who raised Fred and George.

J.K. Rowling

Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense.

Richelle Mead

Any game plan? Xypher asked Sin.Don't die.I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me.Kat scoffed at his sarcasm. What are you bitching about, Xypher? You're already dead.He laughed. You know, for once, it's good to be me.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

Winston S. Churchill

That's brain tissue. How can you-?" Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know.""Truly, I think that's best. Please take it." He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind.""I so wish you hadn't said that.

Rachel Caine

When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a shufti to see if it's solid, aren't we, we're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?

J.K. Rowling

If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?

P.C. Cast

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

Tina Fey

His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,His hair is as dark as a blackboard.I wish he was mine, he's really divine,The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.

J.K. Rowling

Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugged him.!' Neville-'James rolled his eyes.....

J.K. Rowling

TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.

Douglas Coupland

You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen.

Kristin Cashore

To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

Douglas Adams

Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.

Moira Young

As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.

Tad Williams

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

Bill Watterson

Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?" "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. "All right- PLEASE." "NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.

J.K. Rowling

A demigod!" one snarled."Eat it!" yelled another.But that's as far as they got before I slashed a wide arc with Riptide and vaporized the entire front row of monsters."Back off!" I yelled at the rest, trying to sound fierce. Behind them stood their instructor--a six-foot tall telekhine with Doberman fangs snarling at me. I did my best to stare him down."New lesson, class," I announced. "Most monsters will vaporize when sliced with a celestial bronze sword. This change is completely normal, and will happen to you right now if you don't BACK OFF!"To my surprise, it worked. The monsters backed off, but there was at least twenty of them. My fear factor wasn't going to last that long.I jumped out of the cart, yelled, "CLASS DISMISSED!" and ran for the exit.

Rick Riordan

I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

Louis-Ferdinand Céline

Five syllables," Apollo said, counting them on his fingers. "That would be real bad.

Rick Riordan

He'd changed since the last summer. Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers. His sandy hair, which used to be so unruly, was now clipped short. He look like an evil male model, showing off what the fashionable college-age villain was wearing to Harvard this year.

Rick Riordan

Well, that's an evil smile...

James Patterson

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

Winston S. Churchill

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

Lemony Snicket

No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.

Eoin Colfer

You fuck - you ate my cat!

Kendare Blake

Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way.

Laurell K. Hamilton

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?

David Foster Wallace

Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?" she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet."I'm dying of boredom," Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying.

Diana Wynne Jones

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

George Carlin

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

Steve Martin

The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-u-i and not w-e-e.

Stephanie Perkins

And, whoa!" He turned to Mr.D. "Your the wine dude? No way!"Mr.D turned hi eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. "The wine dude?""Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I've got your figurine!""My figurine.""In my game, Mythomagic. And holofoil card, too! And even though you've only got like five hundred attack points and everybody thinks your the lamest god card, I totally think your powers are sweet!""Ah." Mr.D seemed truly perplexed, which probably saved my life. "Well, that's...gratifying.

Rick Riordan

There aren't any syringes." Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. "I know you'll use this wisely.""Wisely?" She snapped the syringe out of his hand. "No, I'm going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that's what they trained me to do in medical school.

J.R. Ward

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Winston Groom

Have any of you wondered what I did with all the cash Pekka Rollins gave us?""Guns?" asked Jesper."Ships?" queried Inej."Bombs?" suggested Wylan. "Political bribes?" offered Nina. They all looked at Matthias. "This is where you tell us how awful we are," she whispered.

Leigh Bardugo

The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.

Carl Sagan

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.

Douglas Adams

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Humor Quotes - Page 214

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