Humor Quotes - Page 213

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!

There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My muscles informed me they did not want to go through any more exercise today. So I suggest that maybe he should let me off this time. He laughed, and I'm pretty sure it was at me...not with me. "Why is that funny?" "Oh," he said, his smile dropping. "You were serious.""Of course I was! Look, I've technically been awake for two days. Why do we have to start this training now? Let me go to bed." I whined. "It's just one hour.""How do you feel right now?""I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on it while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?" I retorted.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.

Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ - one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn't a woman alive who could go from point A to B without stopping at C, D, X, and 12 along the way.

Whoa. Fangs. She had fangs.She leaned in, prodded them a little. Eating with those puppies was going to take some getting used to, she thought.On impulse, she brought up her hands, turned her fingers into claws. Hissed.Cool.

J.R. Ward

Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

George Bernard Shaw

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor." a minor," she pointed out. "At least for beer.""Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

The staircase that was revealed was lit with a soft red glow.I feel like I'm walking down into a porn movie," V muttered as they took the steps with care.Wouldn't that require more black candles for you," Zsadist cracked.At the bottom of the landing, they looked left and right down a corridor carved out of stone, seeing row after row of...black candles with ruby color flames.I take that back," Z said, eyeing the display.We start hearing chick-a-wow-wow shit," V cut in, "can I start calling you Z-packed?"Not if you want to keep breathing.

J.R. Ward

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.

And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.

When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said Pooh humbly.

We're going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie

Who are you?" he asked.I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.

Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.

Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!

Did you see me disarm Hermione, Harry?""Only once" said Hermione stung. "I got you loads more then you got me—""I did not only get you once, I got you at least three times—""Well if you're counting the one where you tripped over your own feet and knocked the wand out of my hand—

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page," Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don't think it's accurate to say, 'Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried.

You look too pretty to be useful." "Truer words were never spoken.

Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.

J.R. Ward

That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

One of the greatest myths in the world - & the phrase 'greatest myths' is just a fancy way of saying 'big fat lies' -- is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if you do them more & more. People say this myth when they are teaching children to ride bicycles, for instance, as though falling off a bicycle & skinning your knee is less troublesome the fourteenth time you do it than it is the first time. The truth is that troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, & that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent.

Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It's the crack cocaine of the literary world.

You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.

Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.

Margaret Mitchell

A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.

Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.

Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.

Terry Pratchett

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.

Andy Weir

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Oh, look at that, he's heard of me. My fame grows.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.

Charles M. Schulz

Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.

If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.

Why is it that all cars are women?" he asked. "Because they're fussy and demanding," answered Zee. "Because if they were men, they'd sit around and complain instead of getting the job done," I told him.

Patricia Briggs

It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.

One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.

George Bernard Shaw

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

Leonard Bernstein

Now what happens?" asked the man in black. "We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.""You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it?

William Goldman

Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.

Françoise Sagan

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.

Right," she said, "We're going to the Land of the Dead and I shouldn't think negative.

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