Humor Quotes - Page 207

What's going on?" Newt asked, looking back and forth between Thomas and Aris. "Why're you guys looking at each other like you just fell in love?

Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of "systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister," which is easier done than said.

The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.

Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?

Laurell K. Hamilton

Do you love him?"There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.

Kira: L, do you knowGods of deathlove apples?L: Damn you, Kira...

Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He’s shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. “This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing

I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.”“If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?

I tried to tell you. You said you didn't care, remember?"A muscle ticked below his eye. "You should have told me anyway.""While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I'm Disease, not Stupid.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

Helen Gurley Brown

Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!

Cherise Sinclair

What...what about when I'm married?”“We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.

Stephanie Perkins

She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Chelsea Handler

Have you made any other friends since we've been here?"I gave him the death stare. "Yes, actually.""Who? I want a name.""Jamie Roth.""The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable.""That was one incident.

Michelle Hodkin

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.

Terry Pratchett

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I hugged him without any kind of fear or self-consciousness, fiercely, with a rush of emotion that almost brought tears to my eyes."I could kiss you!" Chubs cried."Please don't!" I gasp out, feeling his arms tighten around my ribs to the point of cracking them.

Alexandra Bracken

It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.

Patricia Briggs

Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck.

Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!

Jonathan Safran Foer

I feel ill," [Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die.

Diana Wynne Jones

If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Sigh"?"Eye roll

It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.

Can you define "plan" as "a loose sequence of manifestly inadequate observations and conjectures, held together by panic, indecision, and ignorance"? If so, it was a very good plan.

Jonathan Stroud

If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake.

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

Tina Fey

Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?

Sherrilyn Kenyon

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

Arthur Conan Doyle

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

Douglas MacArthur

Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile.

Spider Robinson

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

Evey Hammond: Who are you? V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask. Evey Hammond: Well I can see that. V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is

The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

She would've been a good woman," said The Misfit, "if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.

Flannery O'Connor

Room service? Send up a larger room."]

What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger. Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?

Ellen DeGeneres

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Are you an idiot, or an idiot?' Gargarin hissed.'The first one. I really resent being called the second.

Melina Marchetta

Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.

Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.

Kristin Cashore

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

Housework can kill you if done right.

I am not sure I trust you.""You can trust me with your life, My King.""But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.

Megan Whalen Turner

Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I’ve been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I’ve said is…an understatement.

Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..

Gabriel García Márquez

Down in the water, Octavian yelled, “Get me out of here! I’ll kill you!”“Tempting,” Percy called down.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.

Orson Scott Card

But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Beds empty! No note! Car gone — could have crashed — out of my mind with worry — did you care? — never, as long as I’ve lived — you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy —""Perfect Percy,” muttered Fred. —”It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away.“I’m very pleased to see you, Harry, dear,” she said.

Basically, everyone thinks--knows--how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.

Kenji snorts.“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.

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