Humor Quotes - Page 206

Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them

Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this.

Maureen Johnson

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.

Charles M. Schulz

Is it time for your period, or something?" He turned around, all controlled aggression, and damned if he didn't push the button again. "What is it about having a period that makes women so bitchy?"" By the time the sentence ended the sweetness was long gone, my jaw was clenched, and I think my eyes were bugging out. Wyatt took a step back, belatedly looking alarmed.

Linda Howard

He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.

Neil Gaiman

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Stephen Colbert

I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker's dozens! …they come in thirteens.

Felicia Day

An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.

Dylan Thomas

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Groucho Marx

I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.

J.K. Rowling

As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.I'm going to clean your stables. Won't that be great?Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.

Rick Riordan

Do I look stupid?" snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.

J.K. Rowling

Do you answer a question directly?""Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again

Leigh Bardugo

What's another word for thesaurus?

Steven Wright

I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.

J.K. Rowling

You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!

Karen Marie Moning

You're not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why....this is why I like you.

Morrissey

When he finished, he drank from the cup. Everyone else did too, so I followed suit.And nearly choked to death.It was like fire in liquid form. It took every ounce of strength I had to swallow it and not spray it on those around me."Wh...what is this?" I asked, coughing.Viktoria grinned. "Vodka."I peered at the glass. "No, it isn't. I've had vodka before.""Not Russian vodka."Apparently not.

Richelle Mead

It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had come up with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculiar habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as in "It's a nice day," or "You're very tall," or "So this is it, we're going to die."His first theory was that if human beings didn't keep exercising their lips, their mouths probably shriveled up.After a few months of observation he had come up with a second theory, which was this--"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, their brains start working.

Douglas Adams

They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!

Osho

I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.

P.G. Wodehouse

Rae burned me. She has matches or something. Look, look..." Tori pulled down the collar of her T-shirt. "Leave your cloths on, Tori," Simon said, raising his hands to his eyes. "Please.

Kelley Armstrong

Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither,” Leo admitted.

Rick Riordan

How do you feel right now?" "I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?" I retorted.

Richelle Mead

Can you enter a house uninvited?""No.""Why?""That would be rude.

Abigail Gibbs

Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN. “Open it!” Leo yelled again.

Rick Riordan

I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them―then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.

Mark Twain

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

P.G. Wodehouse

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

Dave Barry

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Woody Allen

I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

Darynda Jones

So it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" true?". "You can't be rude to everyone who talks to me."Alec made a wide, sweeping gesture. "And why not? Cramping your style, am I? I mean, maybe you were hoping to flirt with werewolf boy here. He's pretty attractive, if you like the messy-haired, broad-shouldered, chiseled-good-looks type.""Hey, now," said Jordan mildly. Magnus put his head in his hands. into?""Mermaids," said Magnus into his fingers. "They always smell like seaweed."," Alec said savagely, and kicking back his chair, he got up from the table and stalked off into the crowd.

Cassandra Clare

Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

Johnny Depp

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.

Andy Warhol

It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?

Jane Austen

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.

G.K. Chesterton

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. For instance, if you wake up to the sound of twittering birds, and find yourself in an enormous canopy bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of freshly made muffins and hand-squeezed orange juice on a silver tray, you will know that your day will be a splendid one. If you wake up to the sound of church bells, and find yourself in a fairly big regular bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of hot tea and toast on a plate, you will know that your day will be O.K. And if you wake up to the sound of somebody banging two metal pots together, and find yourself in a small bunk bed, with a nasty foreman standing in the doorway holding no breakfast at all, you will know that your day will be horrid.

Lemony Snicket

Captain! To your left there’s a Lunar guard and on your right is a doctor who’s running tests on Lunars and I’m being held by one of Levana’s wolf hybrids and please be careful!”Thorne took a step back into the hallway a gun from his waistband. He spent a moment swiveling the barrel of the gun in each direction, but nobody moved to attack him.With some surprise, Cress realized that the operative’s grip had weakened.“Er…” Thorne furrowed his brow, aiming the gun somewhere near the window. “Could you describe all those threats again because I feel like I missed something.

Marissa Meyer

To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems

Matt Groening

Check out that one at the end. He's taken the form of a footstool. Weird...but somehow I like his style.""That is a footstool.

Jonathan Stroud

Would you like a cough drop Dolores?

J.K. Rowling

I like to write when I feel spiteful. It is like having a good sneeze.", November 1913)

D.H. Lawrence

I'm making a listI'm making a list of things I must sayFor politeness,And goodness and kindness and gentlenessSweetness and rightness:HelloPardon meHow are you?Excuse meBless youMay I?Thank youGoodbyeIf you know some that I've forgot,Please stick them in you eye!

Shel Silverstein

Simple. I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged myself in to its external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great length and explained my view of the Universe to it," said Marvin."And what happened?" pressed Ford."It committed suicide," said Marvin and stalked off back to the Heart of Gold.

Douglas Adams

When God made man she was practicing.

Rita Mae Brown

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

You like them," I realized.Noah's eyebrows lifted in question."Like as people.""As opposed to...furniture?""They're my PARENTS.""That is my understanding, yes.

Michelle Hodkin

Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat."I grinned. "I've noticed."Reyn's face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. "It's an equestrian term.""Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.

Cate Tiernan

I can still kick your pony-lovin' butt with twice this much pain."Thomas shrugged, "I do love ponies. Wish I could eat one right now.

James Dashner

I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. "Thank you." "I just went along for the ride. After that happened-" She waved at Derek. "You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently werewolves could really use Opening Door poltergeists.

Kelley Armstrong

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.

Allen Ginsberg

When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

Mark Twain

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

Albert Einstein

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

What do you think that fish is?' Sam asked Astrid.,' she said.'Yeah?' Sam made a face. 'Do you think it's okay to eat?'? Inedible? Joke, duh. Try to keep up, Sam, I made that really easy for you.'Sam smiled. 'You know, a real genius would have known I wouldn't get it. Ergo, you are not a real genius. Hah. That's right. I threw down an 'ergo.''She gave him a pitying look. 'That's very impressive, Sam. Especially from a boy who has twenty-two different uses for the word 'dude.

Michael Grant

...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos.

Jeaniene Frost

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.

George R.R. Martin

We'd spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I'd accidentally swung a sword at her, she'd saved my life, and I'd run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting.

Rick Riordan

Tyson- "Cash? Like...green paper?"Percy- "Yeah."Tyson- "Like the kind in duffel bags?"Percy-"Yeah, but we lost those bags days a-g-g--." "Tyson! How did you--"Tyson- "Thought it was a feed bag for Rainbow. Found it floating in sea, but only paper inside. Sorry.

Rick Riordan

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Humor Quotes - Page 206

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