Humor Quotes - Page 205

NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead." said Alex.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

Lewis Black

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

Darynda Jones

I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.

Molly Harper

The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.

Garrison Keillor

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Dave Barry

Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.

Laurell K. Hamilton

It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome...When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the hot tub in a small bikini, pointing the business end of a SIG-Sauer P-226 at her fella and concerned members of the hotel staff, while dunking the scantily clad female's head under the water and asking, "Who's diving for clams now, bitch?

Ilona Andrews

Either you go to America with Mrs. Van Hopper or you come home to Manderley with me.""Do you mean you want a secretary or something?""No, I'm asking you to marry me, you little fool.

Daphne du Maurier

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, "So, you're back from Moscow, eh?

P.G. Wodehouse

I love you above all things, even pie.

Christopher Moore

Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it's a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it's made up of people, every faith also has its assholes.

Jim Butcher

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine

Yes, my tiara sets off the whole thing nicely," said Auntie Muriel in a rather carrying whisper. "But I must say, Ginevra's dress is far too low-cut."Ginny glanced round, grinning, winked at Harry, then quickly faced the front again.

J.K. Rowling

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

Diana Wynne Jones

Do you like to slide?" His voice was eager.Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. "No, Majesty. I'm terrified of heights.""Oh." His polite tone had returned."I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction."He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him."Especially," I added, "as I've grown taller.

Gail Carson Levine

Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?

Kathy Reichs

That's a sweet piece," said Jean, briefly forgetting to be aggravated. "You didn't snatch that off a street.""No," said Locke, before taking another deep draught of the warm water in the decanter. "I got it from the neck of the governor's mistress.""You can't be serious.""In the governor's manor.""Of all the -" "In the governor's bed.""Damned lunatic!""With the governor sleeping next to her."The night quiet was broken by the high, distant trill of a whistle, the traditional swarming noise of city watches everywhere. Several other whistles joined in a few moments later."It is possible," said Locke with a sheepish grin, "that I have been slightly too bold.

Scott Lynch

Paris answered for him. "Last time he spread the flashing love, Reyes threw up all over his shirt. I never laughed so hard in my life. Lucien, though, has no sense of humor and vowed never to take us again.""I'm surprised you didn't mention the part where you fainted," Lucien said wryly.Strider chortled. "Oh, man. You fainted? What a baby!""Hey," Paris said, frowning at Lucien. "I told you I hit my head midflash."Lucien

Gena Showalter

When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse.

Robert Lynn Asprin

Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

Bill Watterson

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

George Bernard Shaw

There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.

Lauren Morrill

Charlie whistled "Amazing Grace" as he drove. It was all I could do not to whip my head around and snap, Are you kidding me? Couldn't he pick something more appropriate, like "Shout at the Devil" or "Don't fear the Reaper"? Some people had no sense of the proper music for a kidnapping.

Jeaniene Frost

Don’t put off till tomorrow anyone you could be doing today.

Emma Chase

I'll not listen to reason... reason always means what someone else has got to say.

Elizabeth Gaskell

Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and... reproduction.

Kelley Armstrong

Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson" he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see.""I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson."And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignficant. Uh, what does it tell you, Holmes?""Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!

Thomas Cathcart

Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!"Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake."Ayame: "As long as we spend time together."Yuki: "On second thought, go drown yourself.

Natsuki Takaya

If she can't spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.

Beverly Cleary

I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

Lisa Kleypas

She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.

Christopher Moore

Someday is not a day of the week.

Janet Dailey

Well", Fang said, mimicking a thick Southern drawl. "I must say its mighty nice of them Daimons to clean up after themselves when you kill them" He held his hands up to them. "Look Ma, no mess.""Does Fang have an off switch?" Talon asked Vane.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!

Diana Wynne Jones

A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there."And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.

Jenny Lawson

Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician.

Eugène Ionesco

The more excited I get, the more I vibrate.""Now there's a thought," Lor says."If you mean what I think you mean, you want to shut the fuck up and never think it again," Ryodan says.

Karen Marie Moning

Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?

Isaac Asimov

A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.

Colleen Houck

Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?""Is that including, or not including you?

Anthony Horowitz

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Terry Pratchett

She shrugs."Men""Men.""If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all there?

Cynthia Hand

Tacos.""Tacos?" I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. "Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.""I know what a taco is!

Becca Fitzpatrick

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders. Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something ... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.

Chris Rock

Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.

Carroll Bryant

I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?

Douglas Adams

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

Bill Watterson

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don't give two mules for rules.

Trenton Lee Stewart

Intelligent men are dangerous.

Patricia Briggs

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

Nora Ephron

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Stephen Colbert

What's with what you're wearing?" Griggs asks while we stand outside waiting for the others."It's pretty hideous, isn't it?" I say."Don't force me to look at it," he says. "It's see-through."That kills conversation for a couple of seconds.

Melina Marchetta

Oh... Adrian, I've got one more favor to ask you. A big one." "Fondue?" he asked hopefully.

Richelle Mead

Dont ruin my balls!" She laughs as the words leave her mouth.Better yours than mine, chica." I toss the dough balls at her, one by one, until I've got none left.

Simone Elkeles

I like the sound of that, crashing Monica's party," he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. "What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?""Blow me Shane.""Boys," Eve said primly. "Language. Minor at the table.""Well," Shane said, "I wasn't actually planning to do it."Claire rolled her eyes. "Not like it's the first time I've heard it. Or said it.""You shouldnt say it," Michael said, all seriousness. "No, I mean it. Girls should say 'eat me' not 'blow me'. Wouldn't recommend 'bite me' though. Not around here.

Rachel Caine

The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez Whiz, so Percy felt right at home.

Rick Riordan

And you're blind?"Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored.Were you born that way?"No."How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?"Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.

James Patterson

He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?" she asked innocently. mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection.

Gena Showalter

V shook his head. “Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How’d you like that anywhere near a female you loved?”Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage’s body.“We’re going to need a shitload of steel,” the human muttered.

J.R. Ward

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Humor Quotes - Page 205

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