Humor Quotes - Page 204

Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude.

Richelle Mead

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

Justin Halpern

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Sam Levenson

As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly.

John Green

She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.''Share!' she demanded.'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.'She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.''Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?''Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.''They're brisket tacos.''Now you're talking.

Rachel Caine

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?

Kami Garcia

What grinds me the most is we're sending kids out into the world who don't know how to balance a checkbook, don't know how to apply for a loan, don't even know how to properly fill out a job application, but because they know the quadratic formula we consider them prepared for the world`With that said, I'll admit even I can see how looking at the equation x -3 = 19 and knowing x =22 can be useful. I'll even say knowing x =7 and y= 8 in a problem like 9x - 6y= 15 can be helpful. But seriously, do we all need to know how to simplify (x-3)(x-3i)??And the joke is, no one can continue their education unless they do. A student living in California cannot get into a four-year college unless they pass Algebra 2 in high school. A future psychologist can't become a psychologist, a future lawyer can't become a lawyer, and I can't become a journalist unless each of us has a basic understanding of engineering.Of course, engineers and scientists use this shit all the time, and I applaud them! But they don't take years of theater arts appreciation courses, because a scientist or an engineer doesn't need to know that 'The Phantom of the Opoera' was the longest-running Broadway musical of all time.Get my point?

Chris Colfer

You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it.

J.R. Ward

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!

Eoin Colfer

If you think I'm going to let six people risk their lives - !''because it's the first time for all of us,' said Ron.'This is different, pretending to be me -''Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry,' said Fred earnestly. 'Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.'Harry did not smile. 'You can't do it if I don't cooperate, you need me to give you some hair.''Well, that's the plan scuppered,' said George. 'Obviously there's no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate.''Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who's not allowed to use magic; we've got no chance,' said Fred.

J.K. Rowling

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Ronald Reagan

I'm a werewolf trapped in a human body.""Well, yeah, that's kind of the definition.""No, really. I'm trapped.""Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?""That's just it - I've never shape-shifted.""So you're not really a werewolf.""Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?"Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, 'Eat me; I'm stupid'?

Carrie Vaughn

I really should come with a warning label.

Tom Upton

I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.

Janet Evanovich

And Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn't know how to punch the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy Thanksgiving, Jackass.

Elizabeth Eulberg

Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!

Rick Riordan

Any idiot can put up a website.

Patricia Briggs

Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know... size" -Tuck

Simone Elkeles

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

George Bernard Shaw

Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you

David Nicholls

When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine

Margaret Thatcher

You have a very open relationship with your fans.""Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.

Neil Gaiman

He whipped out his sheet, then pulled it over himself and wrapped it tightly around his face like an old woman in a shawl. 'How do I look?''Like the ugliest shanky girl I’ve ever seen,' Minho responded. 'You better thank the gods above you were born a dude.' 'Thanks.

James Dashner

I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself.

Rachel Vincent

It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much.

Brandon Sanderson

...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.

Ransom Riggs

If you are good life is good.

Roald Dahl

Ack!" I said.Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me.

Jim Butcher

Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif."She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-""Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have sixmembers in good standing.Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice."--Yelena to Leif

Maria V. Snyder

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

Jules Renard

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Mark Twain

Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.

Alexandra Adornetto

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Walt Disney Company

And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.

Terry Pratchett

I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.

Scott Westerfeld

[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]"Don't they teach you anything in your schools?".""Pity. I suppose that's what comes of your main education flowing from Google.

Rachel Caine

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.

Chuck Palahniuk

Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!

Amy Plum

Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.

Ilona Andrews

Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.

Pete Wentz

He smiled at that, and then his gaze shifted to a spot over my shoulder and it faded. 'These doubts wouldn’t have anything to do with the company you’re keeping of late, would they?'I didn’t get a chance to answer before the shop door was thrown open and a furious war mage stomped in. Pritkin spotted me and his eyes narrowed.'You shaved my legs?!'Mircea looked at me and folded his arms across his chest. I looked from one unhappy face to the other and suddenly remembered that I had somewhere else to be.

Karen Chance

Well enough,” I reply. “Remember, you’re drunk. And happy. You’re supposed to be lusting over your escort. Try smiling a little more.” like I’m lusting? This is me, lusting.” His lashes flutter at me. better.

Marie Lu

Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me.

J.R. Ward

Stop!" Narcissus got to his feet. "This is not right! This person is obviously not awesome, so he must be..." He struggled for the right words. It had probably been a long time since he'd talked about anything other than himself. "He must be tricking us." Apparently Narcissus wasn't completely stupid.

Rick Riordan

Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--

Rachel Hawkins

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

Edward Verrall Lucas

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

Mark Twain

You look as scary as a buttered muffin.

Tamora Pierce

Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his horns. His bright orange backpack was full of scrap metal and apples to snack on. In his pocket was a set of reed pipes his daddy goat had carved for him, even though he only knew two songs: Mozart's Piano Concerto no. 12 and Hilary Duff's "So Yesterday," both of which sounded pretty bad on reed pipes.

Rick Riordan

Of course, it is boring to read about boring thing, but it is better to read something that makes you yawn with boredom than something that will make you weep uncontrollably, pound your fists against the floor, and leave tearstains all over your pillowcase, sheets, and boomerang collection.

Lemony Snicket

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Mark Twain

In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms.

H.L. Mencken

Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor

Jeaniene Frost

The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.

Nelson DeMille

The road to creativity passes so close to the madhouse and often detours or ends there.

Ernest Becker

I actually like how doctors talk. I like the sound of science. I like how words you don't understand explain things you can't understand.

R.J. Palacio

Where I come from, we're more about efficiency,' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.

Marie Lu

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Humor Quotes - Page 204

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