Humor Quotes - Page 203

But we're going to smile and pretend we're fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can't mush a birthday into christmas.

P.C. Cast

Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?

Dave Barry

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Steven Wright

Civilization is vastly overrated.

Patricia Briggs

Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.

H.L. Mencken

No one believes you’re serious until bodies start to fall. -Vlad

Jeaniene Frost

Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word "bitch" is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that."Hey there, bitches!" I called as I came through the door. "What are my favorite bitches up to today?

Molly Harper

Orion brightened. "I have an idea.""Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained."Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.

Eoin Colfer

Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can't drive a stick? There are dozens of cars--new cars--that have automatic transmission. It'd be a million times easier." Adrian shrugged. "I like the color. It matches my living room.

Richelle Mead

Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?”“Dumb luck,” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.

Brandon Sanderson

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

George Carlin

Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, but there are so many secrets in the world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about one thing or another, whether you are in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark, although the sun can go down so quickly that you may be in the in the dark about being in the dark, only to look around and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark, but in the dark in the dark nontheless, not only because of the dark, but because of the ballerinas in the dark, who are not in the dark about the dark, but also not in the dark about the locked cabinet, and you may be in the dark about the ballerinas digging up the locked cabinet in the dark, even though you are no longer in the dark about being in the dark, and so you are in fact in the dark about being in the dark, even though you are not in the dark about being in the dark, and so you may fall into the hole that the ballerinas have dug, which is dark, in the dark, and in the park.

Lemony Snicket

You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record.

James Patterson

You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.

Nikos Kazantzakis

Close your eyes and picture it. Can you see it?"I nod, eyes closed. its texture, shape, and color—got it?"I smile, holding the image in my head. its contours with the tips of your fingers, cradle its weight in the palms of your hands, then combine all of your senses—sight, touch, smell, taste—can you taste it?"I bite my lip and suppress a giggle. it!" he says.So I do. I do all of those things. And when he groans, I open my eyes to see for myself.. This isn't even close.""Nope, nothing fruity about him." I laugh, smiling ateach of my Damens—the replica I manifested before me, and the flesh and blood version beside me. Both of them equally tall, dark, and so devastatingly handsome they hardly seem real.

Alyson Noel

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Ron White

This is a good place," he said."There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.

Ernest Hemingway

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

Derek Landy

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

H.L. Mencken

An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps

Kathy Reichs

You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.

Richelle Mead

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Drew Carey

if something is there, you can only see it with your eyes open, but if it isn't there, you can see it just as well with your eyes closed. That's why imaginary things are often easier to see than real ones.

Norton Juster

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

Peter S Beagle

You wanna go build some shelves with me?

Alexandra Bracken

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Dave Barry

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Steven Wright

Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.

Yogi Berra

Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!

Maggie Stiefvater

Percy was getting tired of water.If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.

Rick Riordan

I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.

Melissa de la Cruz

In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom.

J.G. Ballard

Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.

Alan Bradley

Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect.

Jim Butcher

He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.

Neil Gaiman

Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. "Nico, we need o have another talk about your people skills.""Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble."Will turned to me. "I apologize for my boyfriend."Nico rolled his eyes. "Could you not―""Would you prefer special guy?" Will asked. "Or significant other?""Significant annoyance, in your case," Nico grumbled

Rick Riordan

Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.

Shannon Hale

How long have you been with Raphael?”“You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.”“What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.”-Venom and Elena

Nalini Singh

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Mark Twain

His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.

Laurell K. Hamilton

People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know.

Rick Riordan

Getting you a date to prom is so hard that the hypothetical idea itself is actually used to cut diamonds," I added. Radar tapped a locker twice with his fist to show his approval, and then came back with another. "Ben, getting you a date to prom is so hard that the American government believes the problem cannot be solved with diplomacy, but will instead require force.

John Green

I was just kidding, shuck-face," Minho said. "Let's all go over there. She could have an army of psycho girl ninjas hiding in that shack of hers.""Psycho girl ninjas?" Newt repeated, his voice showing he was surprised, if not annoyed, by Minho's additude.

James Dashner

Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian's mother

Gena Showalter

This emotion I'm feeling now, this is love, right?""I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me?""Yes," she said."That's influenza," said Miro. "Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.

Orson Scott Card

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Yogi Berra

That's kind of a leap, but the Russian judge gave you a nine point five for style, so okay.

Rachel Caine

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

Jon Stewart

It was a lame excuse, and I knew that wasn't the reason he was canceling. If he wanted to avoid me, I would have preferred he made up something about how he and the other guardians had to up Moroi security or practice top-secret ninja moves.

Richelle Mead

Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea... almost got shagged... cuppa tea'?

Marti Noxon

Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.

Iris Murdoch

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.

Eoin Colfer

FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.

Brandon Mull

No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,

Jeaniene Frost

Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches

P.C. Cast

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

Louise Rennison

This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

Philip K Dick

He’s a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. And though he’s not a Lord, he does have a curse hanging over his head. I have the book to prove it.”William growled low in his throat. “Anya! Must you share my secrets with everyone?” He flattened his palms on the arms of his chair. “Fine. If you can spill, I can, too. Anya’s the reason the Titanic sank. She was playing chicken with the icebergs.”Scowling, Anya anchored her hands on her hips. “William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel.

Gena Showalter

Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.

A.A. Milne

Katniss: 'What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour'. I snap at himTell him that. Thats not nothing.Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.

Suzanne Collins

Previous 1 … 201 202 203 204 205 … 222 Next

Humor Quotes - Page 203

Related Topics