Humor Quotes - Page 202

George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.

We do need a system, and we do need you and your 'Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. - Quinn

Michael Grant

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”What do you know? I’m in command

Andy Weir

Leo frowned at the giant's spire. "Can't we blow it up or something?""Without me, you do not have the power," Hera said. "You might as well try to destroy a mountain.""Done that once today," Jason said.

Rick Riordan

Hermes smiled. "I knew a boy once ... oh, younger than you by far. A mere baby, really."Hermes ignored them. "One night, when this boy's mother wasn't watching, he sneaked out of their cave and stole some cattle that belonged to Apollo.""Did he get blasted to tiny pieces?" I asked."Hmm ... no. Actually, everything turned out quite well. To make up for his theft, the boy gave Apollo an instrument he'd invented-a lyre. Apollo was so enchanted with the music that he forgot all about being angry."So what's the moral?""The moral?" Hermes asked. "Goodness, you act like it's a fable. It's a true story. Does truth have a moral?""Um ...""How about this: stealing is not always bad?""I don't think my mom would like that moral.", suggested George. Martha demanded.."I've got it," Hermes said. "Young people don't always do what they're told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment. How's that?

Rick Riordan

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive."SMASH!"Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.

Rick Riordan

There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.

Neil Gaiman

They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate. "Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on.""They're for fighting, not fashion.""So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan.""And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off."Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me.

J.R. Ward

I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

Christopher Moore

Um," Doc said in a mild voice, "medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition.""But I feel better," Jared answered, sullen.Doc smiled the tiniest smile. "Well, maybe a few more minutes of unconsciousness won't kill him.

Stephenie Meyer

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

George Carlin

Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me.

Niall Horan

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

David Sedaris

The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.

Stephen Hawking

Hush Hattie!" I said, intoxicated with my success. "I don't want to go to my room. Everyone must know I shan't marry the prince." I ran to the door to our street, opened it, and called out into the night, "I shan't marry the prince." I turned back into the hall and ran to Char and threw my arms about his neck. "I shan't marry you." I kissed his cheek. He was safe from me.

Gail Carson Levine

It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn't devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More like 95 percent.

Richelle Mead

This is so cool," I said loudly as Dad walked away. "Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?" "He's a she," Mom said. "Is she hot? Cause I'm still young, you know. My sexual identity isnt fully formed." "Your father can't hear you anymore, Maya." Mom sighed.

Kelley Armstrong

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

David Sedaris

If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ...

Sophie Kinsella

Some kids get called 'bundles of joy' or 'slices of heaven' or 'dreams come true.' We got 'the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.' Doesn't have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I'm oversensitive.

James Patterson

If you're right & I'm not, I'm going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right.

Brian Andreas

You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.

Jim Butcher

I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.

Stephen King

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

Ray Romano

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

Will Rogers

Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.

Michel de Montaigne

Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

Dick Francis

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box! Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that! Hobbes: I'm looking it up. Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js! Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB? Calvin: 957.

Bill Watterson

Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day.

Patrick Ness

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

Steven Wright

When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?

Henry Rollins

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.

Viktor E. Frankl

You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab."Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!

Rachel Caine

He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee.

Rachel Caine

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.

Anne Frank

Must be weird for you, having your mom here.""Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad.""Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi in my new dorm room.""Cal," I said with mock astonishment, "did you just make a joke?""Maybe.

Rachel Hawkins

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

Mae West

Saphira waved her tail, the tip whistling loudly. "I'm not asking you to. However, if we attack first, we may gain the advantage." "Have you gone crazy? They'll..." Eragon's voice trailed off as he thought about it. "They won't be able to do a thing." "Exactly," said Saphira. "We can inflict lots of damage from a safe height." "Let's drop rocks on them!

Christopher Paolini

Ride?" Rhage snorted. "Please. That thing is a sewing machine with an air dam taped to it. My GTO could dust the fucker in fourth gear from a dead stop."When there was an odd sound from behind, John looked back. So did the three Brothers. "What." Xhex bristled and crossed her arms over her chest. "I can laugh, you know. And that's . . . pretty damn funny." Rhage beamed. "I knew I liked you.

J.R. Ward

A word to the wise is infuriating.

Hunter S. Thompson

If I was made of cake I'd eat myself before somebody else could.

Emma Donoghue

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Dorothy Parker

Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.

Jane Austen

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Stephen Colbert

I never met a man that I didn't like.

Will Rogers

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

P.G. Wodehouse

Two things that matter to me. Emotional resonance and rocket launchers.

Joss Whedon

I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Nick Cave

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

Steven Wright

rolf! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there for a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS.

David Levithan

I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.

Sarah Rees Brennan

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Chris Rock

If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.

Laurie Halse Anderson

So the first thing we're gonna do," I told him, "is push you off the roof.

James Patterson

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Ambrose Bierce

Ooh..I want one" - BexThey're not puppies." -Cammie

Ally Carter

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Demetri Martin

No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.

Stephen Fry

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

Darynda Jones

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Humor Quotes - Page 202

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