Humor Quotes - Page 200

...[G]reat progress was evident in the last Congress of the American 'Labour Union' in that among other things, it treated working women with complete equality. While in this respect the English, and still more the gallant French, are burdened with a spirit of narrow-mindedness. Anybody who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without the feminine ferment. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex (the ugly ones included).

Karl Marx

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.

David Foster Wallace

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

Darynda Jones

What doesn't kill us makes us funnier.

Marian Keyes

Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it.""Evvy and I have an understanding." She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. "She tells me the truth, and I don't hang her in the first well we come to. It's a solution that works tolerably well for both of us.

Tamora Pierce

Peter to Austin:"Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7.

Dani Alexander

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Dave Barry

I like pink."Lucius sniffed. "It's just red's sorry, weak cousin.

Beth Fantaskey

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

Darynda Jones

Har. Bloody. Har.

Stephanie Perkins

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Steven Wright

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.

Dave Barry

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.

Augusten Burroughs

A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.

Steven Pressfield

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Fulton J. Sheen

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Dorothy Parker

First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard.

Jeaniene Frost

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Scott Adams

This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.

Terry Pratchett

Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations.

Jessica Park

Of course, everyone's parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is to embarrass merely by existing, just as it is the nature of children of a certain age to cringe with embarrassment, shame, and mortification should their parents so much as speak to them on the street.

Neil Gaiman

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

Ellen DeGeneres

There's no room for demons when you're self-possessed.

Carrie Fisher

Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?"I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was seated and I was standing."First of all, no one is the boss of me but me. Secondly, if you ever reference my 'chain' again, I will kick your ass." I jabbed him hard in the chest with my finger. Possibly breaking it. "And thirdly, don't call me Shorty."Kaleb sat silently for a second, his eyes wide as he looked at Michael. "Where did you get her? Can you get me one?"I blew out a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped down beside Michael, who didn't even try to hide his smile. "You should probably apologize to Emerson.""I am sorry." Kaleb grinned at me. "Sorry I didn't meet you first.

Myra McEntire

Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

Terry Pratchett

You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar.

Rachel Caine

I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does.

Morrissey

She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar.

Rachel Caine

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

George Carlin

There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what youknow ain't so'.

Mark Twain

Apparently, dancing for him and throwing herself at him weren't enough. Apparently, she had to nearly commit murder to arouse him enough to attack her.

Gena Showalter

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Graham Chapman

Finnik?” I say. “Maybe some pants?” He looks down at his legs as if noticing them for the first time. Then he whips of his hospital gown, leaving him in just is underwear. “Why? Do you find this”-he strikes a ridiculously proactive pose-“distracting?” I can’t help laughing because it’s funny, and it’s extra funny because Boggs looks so uncomfortable, and I’m happy because Finnik actually sounds like the guy I met at the Quarter Quell. “I’m only human, Odair.” I get in before the elevator doors close. “Sorry,” I say to Boggs. “Don’t be. I thought you… handled that well,” He says. “Better than my having to arrest him, anyway.”  Fulvia Cardew hustles over an makes a sound of frustration when she sees my clean face. “All that hard work, down the drain. I’m not blaming you, Katniss. It’s just that very few people are born with camera-ready faces. Like him.” She snags Gale, who’s in a conversation with Plutarch, and spins him towards us. “Isn’t he handsome?” Gale does look stricking in the uniform, I guess. But the question just embarrasses us both Given our history. I’m trying to think of a witty comeback when Boggs says brusquely, “Well don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Suzanne Collins

You used nunchucks on a moose?"Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. "I used all sorts of things on that bastard.

Richelle Mead

Did I hurt your feelings again? Sorry. When this is all over I'll send some flowers to your inner child.

Richard Kadrey

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

George Carlin

Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.

Gary Larson

Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.

William Shakespeare

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Steven Wright

Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead."Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich.

Rachel Caine

This is what it's all been about with you," he said in an even tone. "All the fear, allthe running. The nightmares." When she nodded, he said, "You called him the devil.""But you... married him?" "Basically? Yes.""Ceremony and everything?"She swallowed. "He tricked me into it. I-I was only sixteen."A muscle ticked in his cheek and his irises grew pale. "Then know this..."She stopped breathing."Lass, I'm about to make you a widow--

Kresley Cole

I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.''I would,' I said, 'but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I'd even settle for a demigod. It's a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.

Kristin Walker

Is it really you this time, Kells?”“Well, I’m no maggoty corpse, if that’s what you mean.”He grinned. “That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.

Colleen Houck

He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.

Michelle Obama

Are you guys busy?" Juniper asked. "Well," I said, "we're in the middle of this game against a bunch of monsters and we're trying not to die." "We're not busy," Annabeth said.

Rick Riordan

I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!

J.K. Rowling

What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.

Terry Pratchett

Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid.

Kim Harrison

The Princess Andromeda?""Went ka-boom.

Rick Riordan

Sed paused in his song, feeling ridiculous for singing it to her while they made love.“Baby, you realize this song is about Trey’s dead dog, don’t you?

Olivia Cunning

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

You must have been going very fast.""I was, until I hit the fence.

Anthony Horowitz

The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.

Dorothy Parker

Bite me, Harry Potter.

Meg Cabot

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

Steven Wright

I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson

One Direction

I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum

Janet Evanovich

I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?

Terry Pratchett

I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.

Ilona Andrews

Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane

J.R. Ward

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Humor Quotes - Page 200

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