Humor Quotes - Page 2

Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.

The human race has the capacity to render itself extinct unless alternatives are found to the patterns of intraspecific warfare that have dominated civilized history. Ours has long been a predatory species. Living, for humans, depends upon the ability to kill as clearly as it does for lions or wolves. But lions and wolves, like almost all predatory species, normally limit their killing to prey animals, and they are equipped with elaborate ritual precautions to prevent the destruction of their own kind. Humans appear to be unique among predators in their enthusiasm to destroy members of their own species. Perhaps this unusual behavior can be attributed to some genetic deficiency which may lead humans ultimately to join the rest of nature's failures in the biological graveyard of extinction. Or perhaps our willingness to kill ourselves, like so many of our other problems, is something we have devised by misusing our enlarged brains.

Joseph W. Meeker

Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!

Jo Ann Yhard

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.

Criss Jami

You write poetry?" Klaus asked.He had read a lot about poets but had never met one."Just a little bit," Isadora said modestly. "I write poems down in this notebook. It's an interest of mine.""Sappho!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something like, "I'd be very pleased to hear a poem of yours!

Lemony Snicket

Seasoned digital daters are like lions who have had their prey killed, butchered, and served to them on a tray in their artificial habitat for so long that they’ve forgotten how to hunt.

Maggie Georgiana Young

Adding kidney beans to his cottage cheese and pineapple was an act of bravery Dave had not intended.

Theric Jepson

Merkin had used only one drop of the “just soap.” Two drops would have made her Master walk slightly awkwardly. Three drops would have made a Victorian gentleman utter something really lustful, such as “you transfix me quite.

Sorin Suciu

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

Leonard Wibberley

Mankind's biggest blunder, ignorance. Mankind's second, infallible.

M.T. Dismuke

Food," I suggested. "Sleep. That's what I need. To get the hell away from here."Cole frowned at me, as if I'd suggested "ducks" and "yoga".

Maggie Stiefvater

All right,” she said a little sarcastically. “I was going to assume you liked eating babies and sacrificing virgins, but I might as well ask, what do you do for fun?”“I languish in sin,” I replied in the same tone. “I take my babies rare, and my virgins over easy.

Nenia Campbell

Abbey relaxed, grateful not only that someone had thought to throw a party for her, but that she had been able to escape attending.

Emily Ann Benedict

It criticizes me,but my 2nd quest give me deserve a second chance but it is my own survival,My friend.

Kurt Reiner Suarez

He cracked his crooked smile that made all women swoon except the ones who wanted to slap him. Faye was a fence-sitter on the subject.

Sarah Scheele

Life showed my her back and I touched it's ass

Xevi Castellà Tubert

People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Women!” he muttered. “Can't live with 'em, can't escape even by killing 'em.

Naomi Kramer

Thank you, Deke. You are very good to me.” “I know,” he smirks. “Can I get back in your bed now?

Alison Kemper

Simon laughed heartily. “I’m afraid the rest of us have to find talents to get our women into bed. Of course once they’re there, I have other talents that keep them right where they are.”“Handcuffs hardly count,” Christian said offhandedly.“If you mean the ladies cuffing me to the bed so they can explore Hunt Island,” he said, rubbing his chest, “…then point taken. These hands are capable of making any female climax by the mere brush of a pinky across her bare breast.”“I must have gone to the wrong island,” I said with a private laugh.

Dannika Dark

A paradox is a storm that rains on itself.

Shannon L. Alder

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

Oscar Wilde

Sometimes you must agree with someones opinion for the sake of being polite and modest, but within you, you know that you are not foolish and crazy.

Michael Bassey Johnson

As a gentleman- assuming you still have some pretensions in that direction- of honor- again, perhaps presumptuous, but still supposing your passing acquaintance with the concept- it is your duty- I won't even trouble to speculate here, but remain naively hopeful- to protect those under your care.

Connie Brockway

While McMurphy laughs. Rocking farther and farther backward against the cabin top,spreading his laugh across the water. Laughing at the girl,at the guys, at George,at me sucking my bleeding thumb, at the captain back at the pier and the bicycle rider and the service station guys and the five thousand houses and the Big Nurse and all of it. Because he knows you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy. He know's there's a painful side; he knows my thumb smarts and his girl friend has a bruised breast and the doctor is losing his glasses, but he won't let the pain blot out the humor no more'n he'll let the humor blot out the pain.

Ken Kesey

After three years of English at Cambridge, being force-fed literary theory, I was almost convinced that literature was all coded messages about Marxism and the death of the self. I crawled out of the post-structuralist desert thirsty for heroines I could cry and laugh with. I was jaded. I craved trash.

Samantha Ellis

Self-pity is the hens' besetting sin," remarked Mr. Payton. "Foolish fowl. How they came to achieve anything as perfect as the egg I do not know! I cannot fathom.

Elizabeth Enright

He thought, Yeah. Yeah, non-smokers live seven years longer. Which seven will be subtracted by the god called Time? It won't be that convulsive, heart-bursting spell between twenty-eight and thirty-five. No. It'll be that really cool bit between eighty-six and ninety-three.

Martin Amis

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman.

George Everett Macdonald

One of the Christian's biggest fears is appearing 'too Christian'. God forbid, because that's often characterized as god-awful! We want to be one, but without being 'one of them'.

Criss Jami

We know that there are many animals on this continent not found in the Old World. These must have been carried from here to the ark, and then brought back afterwards. Were the peccary, armadillo, ant-eater, sloth, agouti, vampire-bat, marmoset, howling and prehensile-tailed monkey, the raccoon and muskrat carried by the angels from America to Asia? How did they get there? Did the polar bear leave his field of ice and journey toward the tropics? How did he know where the ark was? Did the kangaroo swim or jump from Australia to Asia? Did the giraffe, hippopotamus, antelope and orang-outang journey from Africa in search of the ark? Can absurdities go farther than this?

Robert G. Ingersoll

In geometry, whenever we had to find the area of a circle, pi * radius squared, I would get really hungry for pie. Square pie.

Dan Florence

I'm sorry. I can't serve him that item," the waitress said, only somewhat surprising her since she had a pretty good idea why."Why not?" she found herself asking anyway out of curiosity to see if she was right.*** "Because he's a Bradford," the woman explained with a shrug.

R.L. Mathewson

Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am told.

Celia Rivenbark

Ordinary folk prefer familiar tastes - they'd sooner eat the same things all the time - but a gourmet would sample a fried park bench just to know how it tastes.

Walter Moers

On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance.

Terry Pratchett

A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.

Russell Baker

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye.

Bill Maher

One last word,' I said in my horrible careful English, 'are you quite, quite sure that—well, not tomorrow, of course, and not after tomorrow, but—well—some day, any day, you will not come to live with me? I will create a brand new God and thank him with piercing cries, if you give me that microscopic hope''No,' she said smiling, 'no.''It would have made all the difference,' said Humbert Humbert.Then I pulled out my automatic-I mean, this is the kind of fool thing a reader might suppose I did. It never even occurred to me to do it.

Vladimir Nabokov

Brunch is such an odd thing. It was created by fat, lazy people who were too lazy to wake up at a reasonable hour and too fat to wait until the next proper time for dining.

Brian South

Not a wonder you are out camping with us princess,” Rizz said dryly.Falita gave a clearing snort of her opposite nostril and looked up. “Why's that?”“One can't go snorting and blowing snot all over a castle. It would ruin the décor!”Falita ignored the comment. “A bath would certainly freshen things up.”“You've bathed three times in five days. How many more baths do you need?” Artamos asked.“Enough to stay clean, and I don't recall either of you bathing on this trip.”“I don't need to Princess,” Rizz replied. “I have my own naturally sweet odor.”Falita scrunched up her nose, “I'm aware of that, and it is not pleasing in camp.

M.L. Hall

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire.

Criss Jami

If your success is not amazing to your critics, it disturbs, infuriates, and frustrates them, and if they're not careful; may go hang themselves and go to hell.

Michael Bassey Johnson

At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control

Josh Stern

I’m creating a self help show called Self Talk. I’ll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.

Ryan Lilly

Here I am Rock You Like a Hurricane.

Dave Eggers

FEBRIZIUM();” said Buggeroff, and the foul smell immediately disappeared as if by, well − Magic.

Sorin Suciu

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

Dave Barry

Am I on your walk of shame? You did sleep with the right MacGregor, didn’t you?

Michelle M. Pillow

You should find something better to do with your time,” Mandy told him. “I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up.”“…Come again?” Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. “I take photographs and develop them myself, I’ve got my own darkroom… it was a joke,” Mandy laughed. “I love photography and I’m gonna be a photojournalist someday.”“Really?” Alecto asked. For the first time since she’d met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. “…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs, it’s fun.

Rebecca McNutt

Some of our friends are our friends only because we used to be friends.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

She held up the pen and gave him a lazy grin. "It's a rose."He came close. "It's a pen." He tried to pluck it from her hand."You are seriously lacking in imagination.

Ronie Kendig

The doctor was a frequent visitor at Miss Trumball's establishment, preferring it to the Lanchester house, whose girls had a saturnine disposition in his opinion, as if imported from Maine or other gloom-loving provinces.

Colson Whitehead

English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Anonymous

Are you watching the boats?" Cornelia guessed. She craned her neck to see if there was any excitement on the river.Heavens no, I'm spying on people," Virginia responded unrepentantly.-Cornelia E and Virginia Somerset

Lesley M.M. Blume

The parrot had a range of phrases. His own name ('Niko, Niko'), the name of his original owner and now 'Stavros'. Occasionally he would also say 'Panagia mou', which could be an expression of piety but also a gentle expletive, depending on how it was said. With the parrot it was hard to tell. It did not sound pious.

Victoria Hislop

Sence and Sensibility, for instance, came out in three separate volumes, as did Pride and Prejudice (so the next time you read one of the ubiquitous time-travel Austen adaptations and somebody picks up a single-volume first edition, you can hit your nerd buzzer and say "wrong!").

Amy Smith

A dessert to a deserter in the desert burst, "You trust your thirst. And you are too hot! You scream for ice cream. And believe it or not, I may not be your first. But I might be your lust! Give it a shot...

Ana Claudia Antunes

Technically, you cannot really own a book you bought; you can only own the sheets of paper your copy is printed on; unless, of course, you are the book’s publisher.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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Humor Quotes - Page 2

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