Humor Quotes - Page 2

What New England is, is a state of mind, a place where dry humor and perpetual disappointment blend to produce an ironic pessimism that folks from away find most perplexing

Willem Lange

I don't let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time

Angelo Spagnolo

Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake..

Diane Samuels

The best way to vanquish your enemies on the Internet? Ignore them.

Austin Kleon

I sort of fell.""Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet?

Rick Riordan

Instantly, the pair fell to groping one other as if each had puff the magic dragon at a rock concert in Woodstock.

Tai

In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North Pole and then the camera cuts out and you hear on the news that he got eaten by a bear

Flynn Meaney

As a kid, snow served the useful purpose of closing schools. As an adult—it shuts down any activity a decent, suntanned person over the age of thirty-five enjoys. I don’t do snow forts, snowballs, snow angels, snowmen, snowmobiles, or snowshoes. I don’t like to walk in it, drive in it, ski on it, or sled on it. Other than that, snow is just ducky.

Michael Holbrook

I never saw quite so wretched an example of what a sea-faring life can do: but to a degree, I know it is the same with them all; they are all knocked about, and exposed to every climate, and every weather, till they are not fit to be seen. It is a pity they are not knocked on the head at once, before they reach Admiral Baldwin's age.

Jane Austen

Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope...""Never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.""No, sir.""There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn't.""Very true, sir.

P.G. Wodehouse

'Not drinking?' Collin asked coolly. 'I only drink the blood of virgins,' Logan quipped. 'You must be dehydrated then.' A slow smile spread over Logan's face. 'A sense of humor... rare in a Templar.'

Lia Black

Into the breach, then. Against mobs of middle-aged moms and frightening harridans we shall prevail.”She nodded sharply, raising an invisible sword. “And damned be he—she—who cries, ‘Hold, enough!’”“Misquote Shakespeare in front of Samuel, I dare you,” I told her, and she laughed.

Patricia Briggs

You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been acquainted with goldsmiths' wives and conned them out of rings?

William Shakespeare

Adam has always had . . . heroic tendencies.”I touched Adam’s arm. “He’s my hero.”There was another pause. . .“That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Bran said. “Be careful, Adam, or you’ll turn her into a real girl.”Adam looked at me. “I like her just the way she is, Bran.” And he meant it, greasy overalls, broken fingernails, and all.

Patricia Briggs

Don't fucking quote me!

Roni Batti Kajou

Let's make it flashy!

Sakurai Gamon

Everything is, the way it is, for a reason. Or it isn't. Or neither. Or both. It's so hard to tell. It's so hard to tell you're a mile away by the Luke in your eye.

Alistair McHarg

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

Gemini Adams

He threw his hands to his eyes and hissed. Like the hiss of incinerating ashes. "What is this bright, orange orb in the sky that mocks me with its warmth?

Jesikah Sundin

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

Ryan Lilly

Note to self," Joel commented. "When you go into Arious it's a 'no touchee, no zappee' situation! Paelen tapped Emily. "I suggest we try it again, just so I can see Joel's face when he gets zapped!" "Let's not, but say we did," Emily said.

Kate O'Hearn

Wearing that? Wouldn't you fancy a shapeless cardigan instead? You rock a shapeless cardigan, honey.

Sarah Rees Brennan

I rolled my eyes. "For defending my honor, you dullard."He yanked me beneath a shadowed awning. I had a moment's panic when I thought he'd spotted trouble, but then his arms were around me and his lips were pressed to mine.When he finally drew back, my cheeks were warm and my legs had gone wobbly."Just to be clear," he said, "I'm not really interested in defending your honor.""Understood," I managed, hoping I didn't sound too ridiculously breathless.

Leigh Bardugo

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.

Bill Maher

As he wasforced to tell his father more than once, “I said I’d fight for my mother’sthrone. I never said I’d die for it.” Then he’d add, simply to annoy the oldbastard into one of his frothy temper tantrums, “Don’t you think I’m toopretty to die?

G.A. Aiken

It was pretty miserable wretches that minded at all whether they were wet or dry. He could not understand why such people had been born. "It's nothing but damned eccentricity to want to be dry" he would say. "I've been wet more than half my life and never been a whit the worse for it.

Halldór Laxness

You're not going to answer, are you?" Jaenelle asked after a minute of teeth-grinding silence."No.""Don't you know the answer?""Whether I know the answer or not is beside the point. It's not something a man discusses with a young girl.""But you know the answer."Daemon growled.

Anne Bishop

Woman! Come out! I have—" She looked down at the bloodless grass, embarrassed. "I have come to rescue you," she finally said, as if admitting that she were covered in boils.

Catherynne M. Valente

Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen.

David Weber

People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.

Jess C. Scott

She laughed - a bit louder than I could have wished in my frail state of health, but then she is always a woman who tends to bring plaster falling from the ceiling when amused.

P.G. Wodehouse

The dining hall in our section of campus was like something out of an Ayn Rand novel: big, utilitarian, and impersonal.

Kirstie Collins Brote

When a fat person goes in the water naked, would it still be called skinny-dipping?

Anthony Liccione

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W.C.Fields

I only read books if Voltaire's cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.

Greg Proops

I had a dream about you; you were a zombie in a post-apocalyptic world. I was the only human left, you tried to bite me and I said no. We became good friends.

Rodney Jenkins

she was lying to him.”“But she is lying to him. You are lying to him aren't you?” Darren askedas he turned to me.“Of course!”“But the priest didn't know she was lying. Afterward, Moira had to chaseJacobi down to tell him the truth and then he hit her.”“He hit you?!”“Just in the arm. And even though it was supposed to be a hit it feltmore like a love tap.”“You guys! Y'all are making me skip over the best part!”“Right, the part where Moira is doomed to burn in hell. I almost forgot.Go ahead,” Darren encouraged.

Kaitlin Scott

I have a question for you, but it’s kind of...um, personal.” “Yes, I’m gay.” “You really are a fan of saying that, aren’t you?” “Once you start, you just can’t stop.

Diana Peterfreund

Any conversation including the mention of Roald Dahl, Ray Bradbury, or Emily Dickinson is one worth getting into or at least eavesdropping.

Don Roff

There are few things less comforting than a tiger who's been up too late.

Bill Watterson

I looked at the piles of plates and cups, and kettles, and bottles and jars, and pies and stoves, and cakes, and tomatoes, &c., and felt that the thing would soon become exciting. It did. They started with breaking a cup. That was the first thing they did. They did that just to show you what they COULD do, and to get you interested.

Jerome K. Jerome

We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop.”"Did it taste like poop?" Hank inquired as he quickly pulled into a rest stop filled with church buses."Since I don't eat poop," Dima snapped, "I wouldn't know.""But you do eat people?""I do not eat people," she yelled."But your people eat people?" I prodded nicely."Occasionally," she hissed. "And your people sniff each other's asses when in animal form..."She had a point - and a foul one at that.

Robyn Peterman

Watch the book trailer on You Tube /TheFabulousBookwormzillas

The Fabulous Bookwormzillas!

What the fuck does he think he's doing anyway? And when has running around in a figure eight ever helped anyone?

C.K. Kelly Martin

I am his Highness' dog at Kew;Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?

Alexander Pope

But in those first hours after you take it, your brain is tuned in like nothing you can imagine. Eyes like the Hubble telescope, sensing light that's not even on the spectrum. You might be able to read minds, make time stop, cook pasta that's exactly right every time.

David Wong

I stumbled up the hill back toward the Hab. As I crested the rise, I saw something that made me very happy and something that made me very sad: The Hab was intact (yay!) and the MAV was gone (boo!).

Andy Weir

Those guards are going to be all sorts of pissed when they find out they've been following a bunny rabbit.

H.M. Ward

Cookbooks, it should be stressed, do not belong in the kitchen at all. We keep them there for the sake of appearances; occasionally, we smear their pages together with vibrant green glazes or crimson compotes, in order to delude ourselves, and any passing browsers, that we are practicing cooks; but in all honesty, a cookbook is something you read in the living room, or in the bathroom, or in bed.

Anthony Lane

Parvati positively beamed. Harry could tell that she was feeling guilty for having laughed at Hermione in Transfiguration. He looked around and saw that Hermione was beaming back, if possible even more brightly. Girls were very strange sometimes.

J.K. Rowling

I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.

P. Anastasia

The police have no leads as yet on the person or persons who painted obscene suggestions on the buildings. One store owner said he was going to leave a dictionary on a public bench so the vandals could at least spell the obscenities correctly.

Anne Bishop

I will tell you what we shall do: if ever you need to rescue Catherine, or you Berkley, Maximus, I will help you, and you will do as much for me. Then we do not need to worry, I do not suppose anyone could stop all three of us, at least not before we can escape

Naomi Novik

I Didn't Ask to Be a Senior Citizen (I Was Drafted)

Doug Jensen

You can flip a coin but Schrodinger's pet cat will still be in that box.

Scott Edward Shjefte

I am not perfect, but if I looked perfect to everyone I must have been rocking imperfect perfectly to a few imperfect souls that seek imperfection vs. perfection, in an imperfect world where God asks us to seek perfection for our imperfect souls.

Shannon L. Alder

Dave put a lot of thought into picking out the books his dad would like least.

Theric Jepson

Paying twenty-five dollars for me was your mistake, ma’am. I’m not worth more than fifteen.

Margaret Brownley

Tizzy squawked, and he bounced like a ball on the floor. “I completely forgot; Santa said something more.He said that a book gives your very thoughts wings,That carry you off to see wonderful things,That lift you aloft, throughout time, throughout spaceTo every era and every place!

Dorothea Jensen

In the days approaching Christmas, she always reminds me of the previous year: 'Jane crocheted you an entire poncho, and all you gave her was a bone-shaped beach stone.

Sara Baume

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Humor Quotes - Page 2

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