Humor Quotes - Page 2

I have certainly heard of the Subtle Art of Shutting Up, but I can't say I've practiced it all that much. I greatly prefer the underappreciated genius of Speaking My Mind. I figure if someone doesn't like what I have to say, they shouldn't put their ears in close proximity to my mouth.

Jenny Lundquist

What's all this nonsense about odd vision and not fitting in? There are plenty worse things in this world than not fitting in--like fitting in way too much. You strike me as a real original, Izzy Malone, in a world that loves carbon copies. If you think you beautified something, I believe you. I've never understood why folks love safe, neutral colors so much. Colors are what make this world worth living in.

Jenny Lundquist

P.S. Please don't call me Isabella. That name belongs to a really pretty girl who never wrecks her clothes and who never gets dirt under her fingernails. That's definitely not me. My name is Izzy.

Jenny Lundquist

Turns out, most girls would rather put on lip gloss than play with sand toads.

Jenny Lundquist

Popcorn! Our fatal weakness!

Hazel Levesque

Percy?" Annabeth gripped his arm."Oh, bad," he muttered. "Bad. Bad." He looked across the table at Frank and Hazel. "You guys remember Polybotes?""The giant who invaded Camp Jupiter," Hazel said. "The anti-Poseidon you whacked in the head with a Terminus statue. Yes, I think I remember

Rick Riordan

I’m nobody’s sidekick,” Annabeth growled. “And, Percy, his accent sounds familiar because he sounds like his mother. We killed her in New Jersey.”Percy frowned. “I’m pretty sure that accent isn’t New Jersey. Who’s his—? Oh.”It all fell into place. Aunty Em’s Garden Gnome Emporium—the lair of Medusa. She’d talked with that same accent, at least until Percy had cut off her

Rick Riordan

What New England is, is a state of mind, a place where dry humor and perpetual disappointment blend to produce an ironic pessimism that folks from away find most perplexing

Willem Lange

I don't let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time

Angelo Spagnolo

Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake..

Diane Samuels

....Love is not only wired, but elusive too.

Farooq A. Shiekh

The best way to vanquish your enemies on the Internet? Ignore them.

Austin Kleon

I sort of fell.""Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet?

Rick Riordan

Instantly, the pair fell to groping one other as if each had puff the magic dragon at a rock concert in Woodstock.

Tai

In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North Pole and then the camera cuts out and you hear on the news that he got eaten by a bear

Flynn Meaney

As a kid, snow served the useful purpose of closing schools. As an adult—it shuts down any activity a decent, suntanned person over the age of thirty-five enjoys. I don’t do snow forts, snowballs, snow angels, snowmen, snowmobiles, or snowshoes. I don’t like to walk in it, drive in it, ski on it, or sled on it. Other than that, snow is just ducky.

Michael Holbrook

I never saw quite so wretched an example of what a sea-faring life can do: but to a degree, I know it is the same with them all; they are all knocked about, and exposed to every climate, and every weather, till they are not fit to be seen. It is a pity they are not knocked on the head at once, before they reach Admiral Baldwin's age.

Jane Austen

Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope...""Never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.""No, sir.""There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn't.""Very true, sir.

P.G. Wodehouse

'Not drinking?' Collin asked coolly. 'I only drink the blood of virgins,' Logan quipped. 'You must be dehydrated then.' A slow smile spread over Logan's face. 'A sense of humor... rare in a Templar.'

Lia Black

Into the breach, then. Against mobs of middle-aged moms and frightening harridans we shall prevail.”She nodded sharply, raising an invisible sword. “And damned be he—she—who cries, ‘Hold, enough!’”“Misquote Shakespeare in front of Samuel, I dare you,” I told her, and she laughed.

Patricia Briggs

You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been acquainted with goldsmiths' wives and conned them out of rings?

William Shakespeare

Adam has always had . . . heroic tendencies.”I touched Adam’s arm. “He’s my hero.”There was another pause. . .“That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Bran said. “Be careful, Adam, or you’ll turn her into a real girl.”Adam looked at me. “I like her just the way she is, Bran.” And he meant it, greasy overalls, broken fingernails, and all.

Patricia Briggs

Don't fucking quote me!

Roni Batti Kajou

Let's make it flashy!

Sakurai Gamon

Everything is, the way it is, for a reason. Or it isn't. Or neither. Or both. It's so hard to tell. It's so hard to tell you're a mile away by the Luke in your eye.

Alistair McHarg

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

Gemini Adams

Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!

Anthony Liccione

Boo: "Go talk to her."Callum: "About what?"Boo: "Anything."Callum: "You want me to walk up to her and say, 'Are you a ghost?'"Boo: "I do that."Callum: "I love it when you get it wrong.

Maureen Johnson

He threw his hands to his eyes and hissed. Like the hiss of incinerating ashes. "What is this bright, orange orb in the sky that mocks me with its warmth?

Jesikah Sundin

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

Ryan Lilly

Note to self," Joel commented. "When you go into Arious it's a 'no touchee, no zappee' situation! Paelen tapped Emily. "I suggest we try it again, just so I can see Joel's face when he gets zapped!" "Let's not, but say we did," Emily said.

Kate O'Hearn

Wearing that? Wouldn't you fancy a shapeless cardigan instead? You rock a shapeless cardigan, honey.

Sarah Rees Brennan

I rolled my eyes. "For defending my honor, you dullard."He yanked me beneath a shadowed awning. I had a moment's panic when I thought he'd spotted trouble, but then his arms were around me and his lips were pressed to mine.When he finally drew back, my cheeks were warm and my legs had gone wobbly."Just to be clear," he said, "I'm not really interested in defending your honor.""Understood," I managed, hoping I didn't sound too ridiculously breathless.

Leigh Bardugo

Arya did not dare [take a bath], even though she smelled as bad as Yoren by now, all sour and stinky. Some of the creatures living in her clothes had come all the way from Flea Bottom with her; it didn’t seem right to drown them.

George R.R. Martin

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.

Bill Maher

As he wasforced to tell his father more than once, “I said I’d fight for my mother’sthrone. I never said I’d die for it.” Then he’d add, simply to annoy the oldbastard into one of his frothy temper tantrums, “Don’t you think I’m toopretty to die?

G.A. Aiken

It was pretty miserable wretches that minded at all whether they were wet or dry. He could not understand why such people had been born. "It's nothing but damned eccentricity to want to be dry" he would say. "I've been wet more than half my life and never been a whit the worse for it.

Halldór Laxness

From time to time, you may see a girl wearing her black opaque tights as pants. They are, in fact, not.

Nina García

You're not going to answer, are you?" Jaenelle asked after a minute of teeth-grinding silence."No.""Don't you know the answer?""Whether I know the answer or not is beside the point. It's not something a man discusses with a young girl.""But you know the answer."Daemon growled.

Anne Bishop

Woman! Come out! I have—" She looked down at the bloodless grass, embarrassed. "I have come to rescue you," she finally said, as if admitting that she were covered in boils.

Catherynne M. Valente

Please consult your child’s Witch doctor before using this product. Diapers may cause severe allergies, internal bleeding, and irreversible sex change.

Kenya Wright

Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen.

David Weber

People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.

Jess C. Scott

It had been an embarrassing moment, like the one you get when you realize for the first time that you have what it takes to become an accountant.

Sorin Suciu

She laughed - a bit louder than I could have wished in my frail state of health, but then she is always a woman who tends to bring plaster falling from the ceiling when amused.

P.G. Wodehouse

The dining hall in our section of campus was like something out of an Ayn Rand novel: big, utilitarian, and impersonal.

Kirstie Collins Brote

When a fat person goes in the water naked, would it still be called skinny-dipping?

Anthony Liccione

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W.C.Fields

I only read books if Voltaire's cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.

Greg Proops

I had a dream about you; you were a zombie in a post-apocalyptic world. I was the only human left, you tried to bite me and I said no. We became good friends.

Rodney Jenkins

I had a dream about you. We were actors in a horror movie and I was hunting you down with a knife. When I finally cornered you the director yelled "Cut".... What? I can't be blamed for following instructions.

Georgia Saratsioti

she was lying to him.”“But she is lying to him. You are lying to him aren't you?” Darren askedas he turned to me.“Of course!”“But the priest didn't know she was lying. Afterward, Moira had to chaseJacobi down to tell him the truth and then he hit her.”“He hit you?!”“Just in the arm. And even though it was supposed to be a hit it feltmore like a love tap.”“You guys! Y'all are making me skip over the best part!”“Right, the part where Moira is doomed to burn in hell. I almost forgot.Go ahead,” Darren encouraged.

Kaitlin Scott

I have a question for you, but it’s kind of...um, personal.” “Yes, I’m gay.” “You really are a fan of saying that, aren’t you?” “Once you start, you just can’t stop.

Diana Peterfreund

Any conversation including the mention of Roald Dahl, Ray Bradbury, or Emily Dickinson is one worth getting into or at least eavesdropping.

Don Roff

There are few things less comforting than a tiger who's been up too late.

Bill Watterson

I looked at the piles of plates and cups, and kettles, and bottles and jars, and pies and stoves, and cakes, and tomatoes, &c., and felt that the thing would soon become exciting. It did. They started with breaking a cup. That was the first thing they did. They did that just to show you what they COULD do, and to get you interested.

Jerome K. Jerome

We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop.”"Did it taste like poop?" Hank inquired as he quickly pulled into a rest stop filled with church buses."Since I don't eat poop," Dima snapped, "I wouldn't know.""But you do eat people?""I do not eat people," she yelled."But your people eat people?" I prodded nicely."Occasionally," she hissed. "And your people sniff each other's asses when in animal form..."She had a point - and a foul one at that.

Robyn Peterman

Watch the book trailer on You Tube /TheFabulousBookwormzillas

The Fabulous Bookwormzillas!

What the fuck does he think he's doing anyway? And when has running around in a figure eight ever helped anyone?

C.K. Kelly Martin

I am his Highness' dog at Kew;Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?

Alexander Pope

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Humor Quotes - Page 2

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