Humor Quotes - Page 199

I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.

ligion is the opiate of the masses." "I did masses of opiates religiously.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.

Leo had seen Tia Callida in action; she liked knives, snakes and putting babies in roaring fires. Yeah, definitely let's unleash her rage. Great idea.

Rick Riordan

I've got a theory, it could be bunnies...I've got a theor-Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposesThey've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.And what's with all the carrots-?What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!...or maybe midgets...

Joss Whedon

Emergency dance party--go away.

Rainbow Rowell

To err is human, to purr is feline.

Robert Byrne

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

Dave Barry

I didn't think about being king,” he said, his voice hoarse.Eddis stared. “Your capacity to land yourself in a mess because you didn't think first, Eugenides, will never cease to amaze me. What do you mean you didn't think about being king? Is Attolia going to marry you and move into my library?

Megan Whalen Turner

Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.

Alice Hoffman

Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.

Sophie Kinsella

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Steven Wright

Here," Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. "Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone." He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. "I'll be your hands."She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good.

Rachel Caine

If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?

Philip

To me, nudity is a joke. I don't think nude people are very attractive at all. I like my women fully clothed. I like to imagine what might be under there. It might not be the standard thing. Imagine, stripping a woman down, and she has a body like a little submarine. With periscope, propellers, torpedoes. That would be the one for me. I'd marry her right off and be faithful to the end.

Charles Bukowski

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

Albert Camus

Sydney spent a lot of time on my bed these days.Unfortunately, it wasn't with me.

Richelle Mead

Go ahead. You're not going to walk in on anyone. I'm home alone.""The whole night?"Immediately, I realized it might not have been the smartest thing to say. "Dorothea will be coming soon." That was a lie. Dorothea was long gone. It was close to midnight."Dorothea?""Our housekeeper. She's old- but strong. Very strong." I tried to squeeze past him. Unsuccessfully."Sounds frightening," he said, retrieving the key from the lock. He held it out for me. "She can clean a toilet inside and out in under a minute. More like terrifying.

Becca Fitzpatrick

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

Amy Sedaris

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

David Sedaris

You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It's far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist

Christopher Paolini

Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

Flannery O'Connor

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Steve Martin

Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It’s like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It’s like sitting in a racing car but not driving it.

Chetan Bhagat

Punctuation, is? fun!

Daniel Keyes

And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.

Kristin Hannah

I’m going to tell you something once and then whether you die is strictly up to you," Westley said, lying pleasantly on the bed. "What I’m going to tell you is this: drop your sword, and if you do, then I will leave with this baggage here"—he glanced at Buttercup—"and you will be tied up but not fatally, and will be free to go about your business. And if you choose to fight, well, then, we will not both leave alive."You are only alive now because you said 'to the pain.' I want that phrase explained."My pleasure. To the pain means this: if we duel and you win, death for me. If we duel and I win, life for you. But life on my terms. The first thing you lose will be your feet. Below the ankle. You will have stumps available to use within six months. Then your hands, at the wrists. They heal somewhat quicker. Five months is a fair average. Next your nose. No smell of dawn for you. Followed by your tongue. Deeply cut away. Not even a stump left. And then your left eye—"And then my right eye, and then my ears, and shall we get on with it?" the Prince said.Wrong!" Westley’s voice rang across the room. "Your ears you keep, so that every shriek of every child shall be yours to cherish—every babe that weeps in fear at your approach, every woman that cries 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will reverberate forever with your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means. It means that I leave you in anguish, in humiliation, in freakish misery until you can stand it no more; so there you have it, pig, there you know, you miserable vomitous mass, and I say this now, and live or die, it’s up to you: Drop your sword!"The sword crashed to the floor.

William Goldman

Shigure: JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND, KYO!Kyo: SHUT UP! I HATE THIS! DO YOU REALLY GET THAT MUCH ENJOYMENT FROM PLAYING WITH PEOPLES' LIVES?!Shigure: Well, yes, now that you mention it, I do--BUT THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!Kyo: Man, your persuasion skills SUCK!Tohru: Um, welcome home. Dinner's-Kyo: NOT HUNGRY!Shigure: KYO! DON'T TAKE THIS OUT ON TOHRU! And come back to the entrance hall this instant and take those shoes off!Yuki: He's right, Shigure. You really do suck at persuasion.

Natsuki Takaya

Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.

J.K. Rowling

I have detected disturbances in the wash.''The wash?''The space-time wash.''Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?''Eddies in the space-time continuum.''Ah...is he. Is he.''What?''Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?

Douglas Adams

I wish we could make out in your bed."Noah sighed. "As do I, but I'm afraid we have ritual burning to conduct.""It's always something.""Isn't it though?

Michelle Hodkin

Butch tightened his grip on his cell and wished there were an app that let you reach through a phone and bitch slap someone.

J.R. Ward

Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.""You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared."Oh, very funny!" I yelled.

Rick Riordan

Yeah, well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfigurations," said Ron, to general astonishment.

J.K. Rowling

When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work.

Brandon Mull

Wild!" Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again... and again... and again...

J.K. Rowling

Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth

Augusten Burroughs

Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.' -Marielle

Tamora Pierce

When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone—‘I didn’t mean to startle her.

Patricia Briggs

How in the name of Merlin's pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?

J.K. Rowling

Ow! My brains!

Douglas Adams

Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that can't hate them back (e.g., lawnmowers, cats, the Denver Broncos, et cetera). They don't see the big picture.

Chuck Klosterman

Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?

Jim Butcher

It's difficult to see the glass ceiling because it's made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it properly.

Caitlin Moran

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Gideon J. Tucker

Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

Rita Davenport

Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH.

Patricia Briggs

Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell."I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.

Eoin Colfer

How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.

Gail Carriger

Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.

David Levithan

Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.

Jean Cocteau

Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)

William Goldman

I stared at him (Dionysus). "You're...you're married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-

Rick Riordan

If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you.

Kiersten White

I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.

Eoin Colfer

My parents are going to kill me!""That seems rather harsh...

Garth Nix

Tayla cursed under her breath. "I was just explaining to Eidolon that Sin is a Smurfette."Wraith swung his big body around to study Sin with blue eyes that were very different from Shade's, E's. and Lore's. Sin's, too. "Nah. Smurfette is way hotter.""What the fuck is a Smurfette?" Eidolon was seriously getting annoyed now."There's this cartoon called The Smurfs," Tayla explained, slowly, as though Eidolon were the child here."They're these little blue people, and they're all male. But one day a female shows up. She shouldn't exist, but she does."Eidolon considered that for a second. "How did she get there?""An evil wizard named Gargamel made her," Tayla said. "In a lab or something.""So you're suggesting that an evil wizard made Sin?""Of course not, silly. I'm just saying she's a Smurfette. A lone female amongst males."Eidolon frowned. "Did the Smurfette mate with the males?""Dude." Wraith grimaced. "It's a cartoon.

Larissa Ione

Snoring keeps the monsters away.

Judy Blume

You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.

Jennifer Crusie

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Humor Quotes - Page 199

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