Humor Quotes - Page 198

When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

Ronald Reagan

Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!

Diana Wynne Jones

Riley : "Do you want to claw at me, kitty-cat? Come on."Mercy: "Sorry, I don't beat defenseless puppies.

Nalini Singh

I'm as pure as the driven slush.

Tallulah Bankhead

I came to the table, pulled up a chair, and sat. “Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out.” An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and dropped a dead rat on my lap. Awesome.

Ilona Andrews

No. Don't distract me with your sexy talk.

Rachel Hawkins

I felt this awful obligation to be charming or at least have something to say, and the pressure of having to be charming (or merely verbal) incapacitates me.

Peter Cameron

This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read.

Winston S. Churchill

No, thanks," said Harry. "The toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.

J.K. Rowling

I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts.

Jim Butcher

She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack her.

Rick Riordan

I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari—I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful.

Ilona Andrews

If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.

P.B. Kerr

Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.

Lewis Carroll

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.

Eoin Colfer

You look disappointed to see me, Zach," Macey teased. "Don't you like my jacket?

Ally Carter

I let out a laugh that sounded more like the yip of a startled poodle. "Superp-powers? I wish. My powers aren't winning me a slot on the Cartoon Network anytime soon... except as a comic relief. Ghost Whisperer Junior. Or Ghost Screamer, more like it. Tune in, every week, as Chloe Saunders runs screaming from yet another ghost looking for her help."Okay, superpower might be pushing it.

Kelley Armstrong

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

Steve Martin

She frowned at me. "You need some rest. You look like hell. And you're obviously tired enough to have gotten the giggles."Wizards don't giggle," I said, hardly able to speak. "This is cackling.

Jim Butcher

We need to gather everyone we can.Damien scoffed. Uh, boss, hate to be a pall, but I think everyone we can gather is currently in this room.Sin paused to look at Simi, Xirena, Damien, Kat, Kish, and Xypher. It was a pitiful number of defenders. But it was all the world had. In that case, we need to seriously arm ourselves.Damien crossed himself. Hail Mary, full of grace-What are you doing? Kish asked. You're not Catholic.Yeah but I'm feeling really religious all of a sudden and it seemed like a good idea.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood...

Douglas Adams

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.""The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?

Rick Riordan

Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently.

Colleen Houck

It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.

Mark Twain

I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle.... Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself! (Amelia Peabody)

Elizabeth Peters

She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

Julia Quinn

I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax.

Jim Butcher

There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

Garrison Keillor

The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.

T.H. White

First Pallas and now you,” the gray-haired man said, shaking his head at Nick. “It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here.

Julie James

You saw my leg?""How can a man help what he sees?" he said. "And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.

Shannon Hale

Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.

David Sedaris

In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases

John Irving

Merda! Her lace panties had snagged on his ring, the signet ring he'd inherited from his father, Giacomo Casanova. His father had seduced hundred of women without any problems whatsoever, and he was having trouble with just one. This was the real reason he never used the Casanova name. He could never live up to his father's reputation. The old man was probably laughing in his grave.Nine circles of hell," Jack muttered.Hell?" Lara asked. "I thought I was the Holy Land."You're paradise. Unfortunately, I am stuck there."Her eyes widened. "Stuck?"Normally, I would love being stuck to your lovely bum, but it would look odd if we go sightseeing with my hand under your skirt. Especially in the basilica."She glanced down. "How can you be stuck?"My ring. It's caught in the lace. See?" He moved his hand down her hip, dragging her undies down a few inches.Okay, stop." She bit her lip, frowning, then suddenly giggled. "I can't believe this has happened."I assure you, as much as I had hoped to get your clothes off, this was not part of my original plan."She snorted. "No problem. Just rip yourself loose."Are you sure?" It will destroy you undies."She narrowed her eyes with a seductuve look. "Rip it."Very well." He jerked his hand away, but the panties came with him. He yanked his hand back and forth, but the lacy, latex material simply stretched with him. "Santo cielo, they are indestructible."Lara laughed.He continued to wage battle, but to no avail. "They could use this material to build spaceships.

Kerrelyn Sparks

I’ve been thinking.” “A dangerous pursuit.” “Indeed.

Victoria Schwab

It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.

Helen Fielding

I know how to use a fellytone now.

J.K. Rowling

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.

John Green

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Chelsea Handler

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.

Rachel Caine

Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many." " I never thought about it quite that way." Well, you're a man. " She gave his knee a friendly pat.

Nora Roberts

Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said. "You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She's interesting when she's forthright."Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps.

Rachel Caine

Don't run I never liked fast food

Rachel Caine

Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?

Ann Lloyd

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Steve Martin

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.

Janet Evanovich

Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.

James Joyce

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

Scott Adams

The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse

Bill Watterson

I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. “Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.

Jeaniene Frost

Another relative?" Valek asked.A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife'sthird cousin."--Valek and Moon Man

Maria V. Snyder

There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. The second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it.

Chuck Klosterman

You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?""No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?""Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway.""Stop making up names for him.""What about Count Crackula?""Just stop.

Rachel Caine

So Dobby stopped us from getting on the train and broke your arm. . . ." He shook his head. "You know what, Harry? If he doesn't stop trying to save your life he's going to kill you.

J.K. Rowling

Did you eat my Twinkies?"She gulped. Keeping her eyes glued to the whip, she said, "Exactly what Twinkies are we talking about?""The Twinkies in the cupboard over the sink. The only Twinkies in the trailer." His fingers convulsed around the coils of leather.Oh, Lord, she thought. Flayed to death for a Twinkle."Well?""It, uh — it won't happen again, I promise you. But they didn't have any special marking on them, so there was no way I could tell they were yours." Her eyes remained riveted on the whip. "And normally I wouldn't have eaten them— I never eat junk food-—but I was hungry last night, and, well, when you think about it, you'll have to admit I did you a favor because they're clogging my arteries now instead of yours."His voice was quiet. Too quiet. In her mind she heard the howl of a rampaging Cossack baying at a Russian moon. "Don't touch my Twinkies. Ever. If you want Twinkies, buy your own.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Sure,” she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. “What could go wrong?”Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.Besides everything, I mean,” she said.

Rachel Caine

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Humor Quotes - Page 198

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