Humor Quotes - Page 194

I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.-Bobby Tom

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it

Alexandre Dumas

…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage.

Jeaniene Frost

Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.

Richelle Mead

No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?--Poirot

Agatha Christie

Normal" is just a setting on your dryer.

Patsy Clairmont

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.

Mark Twain

I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..

Taylor Swift

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Dave Barry

Well, man, you know what they say."No, I don't. I don't know what they say. I don't even know who they are. Who is this they? They seem pretty smug. They seem to think they know shit. Fuck them.

Bo Burnham

A crossbow?” Pigeon asked.I left my battle-ax in my other jeans,” the man said.

Brandon Mull

I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

Bill Watterson

I used to think Romeo and Juliet was the greatest love story ever written. But now that I’m middle-aged, I know better. Oh, Romeo certainly thinks he loves his Juliet. Driven by hormones, he unquestionably lusts for her. But if he loves her, it’s a shallow love. You want proof?” Cagney didn’t wait for Dr. Victor to say yay or nay.“Soon after meeting her for the first time, he realizes he forgot to ask her for her name. Can true love be founded upon such shallow acquaintance? I don’t think so. And at the end, when he thinks she’s dead, he finds no comfort in living out the remainder of his life within the paradigm of his love, at least keeping alive the memory of what they had briefly shared, even if it was no more than illusion, or more accurately, hormonal.“Those of us watching events unfold from the darkness know she merely lies in slumber. But does he seek the reason for her life-like appearance? No. Instead he accuses Death of amorousness, convinced that the ‘lean abhorred monster’ endeavors to keep Juliet in her present state, her cheeks flushed, so that she might cater to his own dissolute desires. But does Romeo hold her in his arms one last time and feel the warmth of her blood still coursing through her veins? Does he pinch her to see if she might awaken? Hold a mirror to her nose to see if her breath fogs it? Once, twice, three times a ‘no.’”Cagney sighed, listened to the leather creak as he shifted his weight in his chair.“No,” he repeated. “His alleged love is so superficial and selfish that he seeks to escape the pain of loss by taking his own life. That’s not love, but obsessive infatuation. Had they wed—Juliet bearing many children, bonding, growing together, the masks of the star-struck teens they once were long ago cast away, basking in the comforting campfire of a love born of a lifetime together, not devoured by the raging forest fire of youth that consumes everything and leaves behind nothing—and she died of natural causes, would Romeo have been so moved to take his own life, or would he have grieved properly, for her loss and not just his own?

J. Conrad Guest

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

T.S Eliot

The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.

David Foster Wallace

Falling in love is painful on the knees.

Jon Bon Jovi

Give the People what they want - and they'll get what they deserve.

The Kinks

Dear God in heaven.” Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.” “Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!

Shelly Laurenston

Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby.Marvin droned,Now the world has gone to bed,Darkness won't engulf my head,I can see in infrared,He paused to gather the artistic and emotional strength to tackle the next verse.Now I lay me down to sleep,Try to count electric sheep,Sweet dream wishes you can keep,

Douglas Adams

She seemed to be a nice person, too, instead of a homicidal bitch like his former wife. Otherwise, the world should fear. When Mencheres fell for a woman, he fell hard. If Kira asked for her own continent as a birthday present, Mencheres would probably have one conquered for her before she blew out her candles.

Jeaniene Frost

On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children.

Allie Brosh

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

Bauvard

Garrick was panting when he replied, “You’re not forcing me to do anything. I just want you to be sure. You can say stop at anytime.” His lips pulled wide. “You don’t need to make up a new pet.

Cora Carmack

It'd Be a Lot Cooler If You Did.

Matthew McConaughey

Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters."Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs."She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs. "These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations.""All natural!" Fleecy chimed in."I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy.

Rick Riordan

What's that?""That's my attack poodle.

Ilona Andrews

I’d heard you were dead.”"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.

Patrick Rothfuss

Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre."Myles: "In Paris."Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?"Beckett: "Umm...tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?"Myles: "I agree with simple-toon."Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'"Beckett: "Itchy what?

Eoin Colfer

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

Stephen Colbert

Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.

Patricia Briggs

It looks as though your shop is doing well," Luka said gazing around, "Could you help me find a gift for a lady friend of mine?"My heart plunged to my grenn satin slippers, and I had to stare down at Azarte for a minute, petting him hard. Naturally Luka had a "lady friend." She was probably nobly born: the daughter of a count or a duke. I imagined her having thick dark hair and clear skin, and was bitterly jealous. "Of course," I stammered after a time. "What would she like? A gown? A sash?" If she came in for a fitting, I decided to "accidentlly" poke her with every pin.

Jessica Day George

Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap.Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye."Checkmate, bitch," Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king.

Lauren Kate

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!

Gemma Halliday

TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!

Ramon Bautista

Babe," Ranger said. "You're looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?"I'm on a sugar withdrawal. I've given up desert and it's all I can think about." That had been true five minutes ago. Now that Ranger was standng in front of me I was thinking a cupcake wasn't what I actually needed.Maybe I can help you get your mind off doughnuts," Ranger said.My mouth dropped open, and I think some drool might have dribbled out.

Janet Evanovich

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Steven Wright

Thomas: Is it [my brain] fixed?Brenda: It worked, judging from the fact that you're not trying to kill us anymore...

James Dashner

Leo: I'm almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!

Rick Riordan

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little.

Banksy

Was he a good kisser, Ms. Lane?” Barrons asked, watching me carefully.I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand at the memory. “It was like being owned.”Some women like that.”Not me.”Perhaps it depends on the man doing the owning.”I doubt it. I couldn’t breathe with him kissing me.”One day you may kiss a man you can’t breathe without, and find breath is of little consequence.”Right, and one day my prince might come.”I doubt he’ll be a prince, Ms. Lane. Men rarely are.

Karen Marie Moning

Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.

Ilona Andrews

Her majesty is one verb short of a sentence.

Jasper Fforde

Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as "prey." All females are.

Ann Coulter

Millard! Who's the prime minister?""Winston Churchill," he said. "Have you gone daft?""What's the capital of Burma?""Lord, I've no idea. Rangoon?""Good! When's your birthday?""Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!

Ransom Riggs

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Erma Bombeck

When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi's head. He screamed and released Christian, trying frantically to put the flames out. The Strigoi never saw me coming with the stake. The whole thing took under a minute. Christian and I exchanged looks.Yeah. We were badasses.

Richelle Mead

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

George Carlin

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

Jerry Seinfeld

If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style.

Jim Butcher

I am ever a gentle maiden," she shouted. "Damn if I'm not.

Julie Garwood

With the world securely in order, Dain was able to devote the leisurely bath time to editing his mental dictionary. He removed his wife from the general category labeled "Females" and gave her a section of her own. He made a note that she didn't find him revolting, and proposed several explanations: (a) bad eyesight and faulty hearing, (b)a defect in a portion of her otherwise sound intellect, (c) an inherited Trent eccentricity, or (d) an act of God. Since the Almighty had not done him a single act of kindness in at least twenty-five years, Dain thought it was about bloody time, but he thanked his Heavenly Father all the same, and promised to be as good as he was capable of being.

Loretta Chase

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

P.C. Cast

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Ambrose Bierce

I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how wonderful it was.

Laurell K. Hamilton

Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)

Greg Behrendt

The Prince found Buttercup waiting unhappily outside his chamber doors.It's my letter,' she began. 'I cannot make it right.'Come in, come in,' the Prince said gently. 'Maybe we can help you.' She sat down in the same chair as before. 'All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me.'Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' She looked at Humperdinck. 'Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?

William Goldman

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

Bill Watterson

Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.

A.A. Milne

Merlin’s beard.

J.K. Rowling

Electricity is really just organized lightning

George Carlin

Previous 1 … 192 193 194 195 196 … 222 Next

Humor Quotes - Page 194

Related Topics