Humor Quotes - Page 193

He specialized in the murder of dreams, Hazel Grace...

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

Once again, I've been thwarted by the massive difference between my vision of the successful me and the me I'm currently stuck with.

Revenge is sweet and not fattening.

Alfred Hitchcock

To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.

I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen!" he squeaked and ran.

There's a meeting in Command. Disregard your current schedule,' he says. 'Done,' I say.'Did you follow it at all today?' he asks in exasperation.'Who knows? I'm mentally disoriented.' I hold up my wrist to show my medical bracelet and realize it's gone. 'See? I can't even remember they took my bracelet.' (Katniss and Boggs)

Suzanne Collins

Pulling the chair out for me, he invited me to sit. I stood there wondering if I could sprint for the nearest exit. Stupid strappy shoes, I'd never make it. He leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "I know what you're thinking, and I'm not going to let you escape again. You can either take a seat and have dinner with me like a normal date," he grinned at his word choice, "or," he paused thoughtfully then threatened, "you can sit on my lap while I force-feed you.

since i will not send this, i also feel it is my duty to inform you that almost six months on I think I still love you and that makes me sad becaue love shouldn’t feel this way. is like getting kicked in the stomach every time i think of you and it makes me want to roll my face across this keyboardbiu;///ubEWdcfhugiov’byhi;.//////-=‘-0i9juh8ygtfdcsaazs34defg7uefg7u8hi9o0p8hi9o0p-[[09ju8dcsaazs34d9o0p-[[09.

You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

Huging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won't have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you'll be busier. Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start? Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic.

Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.

Carolyn G. Heilbrun

For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.

Jess Rothenberg

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Henry Kissinger

You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog."COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED

I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.

Laurell K. Hamilton

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.

Steuart Henderson Britt

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.

OK," Josh said evenly, "I've seen men made of mud, I guess I can accept spying rats. Do they talk?" he wondered aloud.Don't be ridiculous," Flamel snapped, "They're rats."Josh really didn't think it was a ridiculous suggestion.

How are you feeling?"I leaned away from him. "Gross."Aiden frowned. "Gross?""I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."He laughed. "Alex, come on.""Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth.Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."I stared at him. He must not get out much.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Do you find this...distracting?

Suzanne Collins

'Tell Suzie she's a lucky cat.' Have sexier words ever been spoken?

I'm trying to make some sense out of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason," and I think I've figured out what the reason is - to pissed me off.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

You thought I was a werewolf?" Dervish asks."Yes" I answer hollowly."You ass.

I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends die.

C.B. Cook

Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them.

Terry Pratchett

Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.

Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.

Langston Hughes

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic.

Elizabeth: "Your balls, Mr. Darcy?"Darcy: "They belong to you, Miss Bennett.

Seth Grahame-Smith

Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.

Terry Pratchett

I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.

Mary Ann Shaffer

My capacity for happiness," he added, "you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first

If you ever put a student at this school in danger again-''Oh, I thought you Gallagher Girls were immune to danger.'Despite the hundred girls the filled the foyer, no one moved or gasped or tried to defend our honor. We stood silently, waiting for our headmistress to say, 'Oh, we are quite used to being underestimated, Agent Townsend. In fact, we welcome it.

I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?

I don't know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me.

Jerome K. Jerome

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Bluestar blinked. "There are cats who would argue that there should never have been a fifth Clan in the forest at all. Why are there four oaks at Fourtrees, if not to stand for the four Clans?"Firestar gazed up at the massive oak trees, then back at Bluestar. Fury pure as a lighting flash rushed through his body. "Are you mouse-brained?" he snarled. "Are you telling me SkyClan had to leave because there weren't enough trees?

I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.

Morrissey

Now stand in the corner, and think about what you've done!

The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition ofthe word "Infinite".Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some.Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, atotally stunning size, "wow, that's big", time. Infinity is just sobig that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy.Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringlyhuge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.

Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.

Augusten Burroughs

It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.

Terry Pratchett

Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way."It's three thirty in the morning.""Okay. Want coffee?

He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer.

This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.

Hunter S. Thompson

Plans are invitation to disappointment.

Humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle.

G.K. Chesterton

A whizzpopper!" cried the BFG, beaming at her. "Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.

Christopher Moore

Could we wear spandex and blow things up?

I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.

Jonathan Safran Foer

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