Humor Quotes - Page 191

That's the coolest thing I've ever seen," Puck said."How cool will it be when it kills us?" Sabrina asked."Considerably less cool," Puck replied.

Michael Buckley

And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.

Jane Austen

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Steven Wright

No," said Luis, "You can't date the Lord of the Night Court.""Well, I'm not, he dumped me.""You can't get dumped by the lord of the night court.""Oh, yes, you can. You so completely can.

Holly Black

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

- Did you really save the world ?...- Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot.

Jim Butcher

Yo, cop. We're heading for Screamer's. You wanna come?" Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like they honestly wanted to hang with him. Butch found himself grinning like the new kid who didn't have to sit alone at lunch after all.

J.R. Ward

You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.

Jeaniene Frost

I was also built from delusional optimism and folly.

A.S. King

If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.

Rick Riordan

Felix believed that the answer to every problem involved penguins; but it wasn't fair to birds, and I was getting tired of teleporting them back home. Somewhere in Antarctica, a whole flock of Magellanic penguins were undergoing psychotherapy.

Rick Riordan

Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.

José Saramago

And Flock Rule Number Two is, Don't argue with Max or you'll live to regret it." I spun and stomped out to the clearing, turning back for one last jab at Dylan. "And by the way, you clearly DON'T know me better than Fang does. Do you see Fang arguing with me? No, you do not."Fang rolled his eyes.

James Patterson

Hallucinations are bad enough. But after awhile you learn to cope with things like seeing your dead grandmother crawling up your leg with a knife in her teeth. Most acid fanciers can handle this sort of thing. But nobody can handle that other trip-the possibility that any freak with $1.98 can walk into the Circus-Circus and suddenly appear in the sky over downtown Las Vegas twelve times the size of God, howling anything that comes into his head. No, this is not a good town for psychedelic drugs.

Hunter S. Thompson

To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart - that's if I had one.

Morrissey

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

George Carlin

She blew out a breath between gritted teeth. “Sometimes I really want to”—a frustrated sound—“bite you!” He froze. “I might let you.” “I won’t do it if you’d enjoy it.

Nalini Singh

I’m fine, Mom. Thanks for asking.”...“Of course you’re fine.” She keeps walking. “You’re the devil’s bride and these are his creatures.”...“I’m not the devil’s bride.” “He carried you out of the fire and is letting you visit us from the dead. Who else would have those privileges except his bride?

Susan Ee

Laurel, David? Would you like to share the joke with the rest of the class?" he asked, one hand on his skinny hip.

Aprilynne Pike

Are You Ready for New Urban Fragrances?Yeah, I guess I'm ready, but listen:Perfume is a disguise. Since the middle ages, we have worn masks of fruit and flowers in order to conceal from ourselves the meaty essence of our humanity. We appreciate the sexual attractant of the rose, the ripeness of the orange, more than we honor our own ripe carnality.Now today we want to perfume our cities, as well; to replace their stinging fumes of disturbed fossils' sleep with the scent of gardens and orchards. Yet, humans are not bees any more than they are blossoms. If we must pull an olfactory hood over our urban environment, let it be of a different nature.I want to travel on a train that smells like snowflakes.I want to sip in cafes that smell like comets.Under the pressure of my step, I want the streets to emit the precise odor of a diamond necklace.I want the newspapers I read to smell like the violins left in pawnshops by weeping hobos on Christmas Eve.I want to carry luggage that reeks of the neurons in Einstein's brain.I want a city's gases to smell like the golden belly hairs of the gods.And when I gaze at a televised picture of the moon, I want to detect, from a distance of 239,000 miles, the aroma of fresh mozzarella.

Tom Robbins

You're such a cynic," Molly said."I think cynics are playful and cute.

Jim Butcher

Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.

Rachel Vincent

Wizard Howl," said Wizard Suliman. "I must apologize for trying to bite you so often. In the normal way, I wouldn't dream of setting teeth in a fellow countryman.

Diana Wynne Jones

Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who's about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she's just nuked in the microwave. Every woman who will get into bed tonight with a book or reruns of Sex and the City as her only companion. You are our shining hope....But no pressure.

Nora Roberts

I hate patience. Slows everything down.

J D ROBB

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

Erma Bombeck

This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn't - that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself.

Steven Moffat

Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”“No.”“Then to me you are Paul.”...“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.“My mother never calls me Nathan.”“Is it Nate?”“She calls me Honeylips.

Brandon Mull

She's under duress," Peaseblossom said."I don't care if she's under duress, over it, or alongside it," Moth said. "Nothing in this world supersedes cake.

Lisa Mantchev

Maybe we should go on lots of double dates,” Cath said, “and then we can get married on the same day in a double ceremony, in matching dresses, and the four of us will light the unity candle all at the same time.”“Pfft,” Levi said, “I’m picking out my own dress.

Rainbow Rowell

It was beautiful in a harsh I'm-going-to-gut-you-like-a-fish kind of way.

Rick Riordan

Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.

Jasper Fforde

Don't be stupid, it's a flying house!

J.K. Rowling

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat.

Stephen Wright

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

Christopher Moore

However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.

Meg Cabot

Madame Bellwings, Memoir Elf Coordinator, was not at all pleased with this request, because elves who write the memoirs of teenage girls have the habit of returning to the magical realm with atrocious grammar. They can't seem to shake the phrases "watever" and "no way," and they insert the word like into so many sentences that the other elves start slapping them...and for no apparent reason occasionally call out the name Edward Cullen.

Janette Rallison

When did you become a woman?"-HatoriHow dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times..."-YukiGASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean..." fan club girlsNO! He's my doctor..."Yuki

Natsuki Takaya

You weren't afraid of me when I was Wolf," he said. "Why are you afraid of Nathan?""He's got big feet!""What?"An insulted-sounding arrroooo came from the other side of the door, a reminder that Wolves also had big ears.

Anne Bishop

Heifer.”“Rich man’s whore!”“At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.”“Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!

Shelly Laurenston

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Dave Barry

Do you always ask me the same questions you ask him?""It depends on whether or not I get an answer.

Anne Bishop

Anthony looked down at his evil clutches -- hands, he reminded himself, hands -- and grinned anew.

Julia Quinn

There must be a mistake," I said. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "That's a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?

Chelsea M. Cameron

Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman.

P.G. Wodehouse

Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn't automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don't get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver's seat and come round and open the car door for you. That's his job!

Steve Harvey

I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it, but it is so.""It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir.

P.G. Wodehouse

He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap."Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please.""What?""Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!""You have GOT to be kidding.""Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn.

Rachel Caine

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Bauvard

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

Dave Barry

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

Mae West

I'm not stubborn. My way is just better.

Maya Banks

I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.

Jim Butcher

What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?

Diana Wynne Jones

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Jon Stewart

What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?

P.G. Wodehouse

Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!

Pittacus Lore

Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better. Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!

Graham Chapman

Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess", said Marcus. "My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later.

Dan Wells

I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard.""Well, that's your mistake, not mine.

Julie Kagawa

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Humor Quotes - Page 191

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