Humor Quotes - Page 186

Look, Laszlo. I'll have the dentist with me, and I don't want to alarm her any more than necessary. So take Vanna out of the backseat and stick her in the trunk."Shanna halted. Her mouth dropped open. Her throat seized up, making it hard to breathe.I don't care how much crap you have in the trunk. We're not driving around with a naked body in the car."Oh no! She gasped for air. He was a hit man.

Kerrelyn Sparks

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Jean Kerr

I'm not bossy - I just happen to be more capable than most everyone else.

Shannon Hale

And Daniel?" She asked."Daniel was a player-""Hey!" "That's what they called the actors." Bill rolled his eyes.

Lauren Kate

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Ricky Gervais

I couldn't claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys--but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly!

Richard Feynman

God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron)

Kim Harrison

Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.

David Foster Wallace

Who brings baby pictures on an international flight?" I hissed. "If I'd wanted my bare ass paraded in front of all the first-class ticket holders I'd have mooned everyone before we took off!

Jennifer Rardin

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

Steve Martin

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Chelsea Handler

Bursar?""Yes, Archchancellor?""You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?""Me? No, Archchancellor.""Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.

Terry Pratchett

He held up his index finger. "Rule one: in any dispute between mates, themale is always to blame, even when he is clearly blameless. Rule two"—his middle finger joined thefirst—"whenever in doubt, refer to rule one.

C.L. Wilson

And what have I done?" What? WHAT?...You've stolen them." With that, Cornelia fled, but Buttercup understood; she knew who "them" was. The boys. The beef-witted featherbrained rattledskulled clodpated dim-domed noodle-noggined sapheaded lunk-knobbed BOYS.

William Goldman

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.

Jim Butcher

I think a man's "wordplay" can be so fucking sexy!!! I love a good mind fuck!!

Junnita Jackson

His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.

Darynda Jones

Oh, Hazel is awesome," Don Said. "She's so nice! All the other campers are like 'Go away Don.' But she's like 'Please go away, Don.' I love her!

Rick Riordan

One can never have enough socks

J.K. Rowling

It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.

Aeschylus

You totally need to watch the news.""Can't.""Why?""It's too depressing.""Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.

Darynda Jones

It often happens that we blurt out things that may in some kind of way be harmful to us, but we are silent about things that may make us look ridiculous; because in this case effect follows very quickly on cause.

Arthur Schopenhauer

Miss Butterworth and the Mad Baron,” Sebastian said approvingly. “Excellent choice.”“You have read this?” Alexei asked.“It’s not as good as Miss Davenport and the Dark Marquis, of course, but worlds better than Miss Sainsbury and the Mysterious Colonel.”Harry found himself rendered speechless.“I’m reading Miss Truesdale and the Silent Gentleman right now.”“Silent?” Harry echoed.“There is a noticeable lack of dialogue,” Sebastian confirmed.

Julia Quinn

People often think I'm a faker, but I'm usually honest, in a certain way--in such a way that often nobody believes me!

Richard Feynman

Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get one perfect rose.

Dorothy Parker

He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax...

Bohumil Hrabal

Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?

Neil deGrasse Tyson

I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.

Jeff Kinney

The three of you are enough to drive a mara mad.'She can wear my shirt," she growled in an imitation of Nash."No,she can wear my shirt,"she said switching to Tod's smoother tone.Then Sabine took off down the hall without a glance at any of us."I have a spare.Come on, Kaylee,before I choke on testosterone and melodrama.

Rachel Vincent

How did you find me? If you hacked into the Club’s computer to look up my appointments - "“Whoa, I think you overestimate me, shitlord. Last time I checked all I did was be in the wrong place at the right time. I saw you and had to - ”“Stalk me.”“ - delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.

Sara Wolf

Oh, man," Xavier groaned. "See what you've done--now I'm stressing.""You can't! You're the stable one!"Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn't worried in the slightest."Just relax. Go and run a bath or have a shot of brandy.""Okay.""That second bit was a joke. We both know you can't hold your liquor.

Alexandra Adornetto

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.

Richelle Mead

Corrival looked around. 'So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.''Me?' Ravel asked. 'Why do I have to start it? You're the most respected mage here. You start it, or Skulduggery.'Skulduggery shook his head. 'I can't start it. I don't like most of these people. I might start shooting.

Derek Landy

Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.

Bill Watterson

My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat ... I AM A CHIHUAHUA!"

Judy Schachner

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.

James D. Nicoll

When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

Graham Chapman

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

Robert Anton Wilson

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Murphy's Law

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Groucho Marx

You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Derek Landy

Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business

Gregory David Roberts

Also, I think I felt something come loose back there. I'm not trying to overreact or anything but I think it was my uterus. Honest. I think my uterus jiggled free. My uterus is just going to come out between my legs and I'm going to look like I'm walking around with an enormous load in my pants.

Meg Cabot

Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic.

Quinn Loftis

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Steven Wright

Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

David Sedaris

Roar's smile widened. "I know. You missed me." She rolled her eyes. "It's barely been three weeks since I last saw you.""Miserable stretch of time." He said.

Veronica Rossi

Looks like Kelsey wins the award for early riser. And doesn’t she look purtier than a pat of butter meltin’ all over a stack of griddle cakes?

Colleen Houck

You're a very difficult person to manipulate, you know.""Nonsense," he said. "You just have to promise me that I won't have to do a thing, and then I'll do anything you want.""Anything?""Anything that doesn't require doing anything.""That's nothing, then.""Is it?""Yes.""Well, that's something.

Brandon Sanderson

Don’t do anything stupid.""Don’t worry," I whispered over the line, "I’m an expert on stupid.""You’re...""Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they’ve been? I’m like that. A stupidinator.""Never say that word again," Prof said.

Brandon Sanderson

Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

Julie Spira

Vengeance is sweet. Vengeance taken when the vengee isn't sure who the venger is, is sweeter still.

Gary D. Schmidt

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Woody Allen

Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy.

Truman Capote

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

Mark Twain

The dead are way more organized than the living.

China Miéville

And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face.

Meg Cabot

Most photographers have some kind of verbal patter going on when they shoot: "Great. Turn to me. Big smile. Less shark eyes. Have fun with it. Not like that." Some photographers are compulsively effusive. "Beautiful. Amazing. Gorgeous! Ugh, so gorgeous!" they yell at shutter speed. If you are anything less than insane, you will realize this is not sincere. It's hard to take because it's more positive feedback than you've received in your entire life thrown at you in fifteen seconds. It would be like going jogging while someone rode next to you in a slow-moving car, yelling, "Yes! You are Carl Lewis! You're breaking a world record right now. Amazing! You are fast. You're going very fast, yes!

Tina Fey

It seemed Lady Luck hated me worse than usual.

Julie Kagawa

I'm not looking for the perfect man. I'm looking for the man whose imperfections I can put up with.

Devon Ashley

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Humor Quotes - Page 186

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