Humor Quotes - Page 184

NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.

Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors.

Graham Parke

Everyone has the fire, but the champions know when to ignite the spark.

Amit Ray

One morning you wake up with more life behind you than in front of you, not being able to understand how it’s happened.

Fredrik Backman

What if nobody showed up at Armageddon?

C.R. Strahan

My teacher asked my favorite color. ... I said ‘Rainbow’.... and I was punished to stand out of my class.

Saket Assertive

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

Bill Hicks

It's a philosophical minefield!"Cabal had a brief mental image of Aristotle walking halfway across an open field before unexpectedly disappearing in a fireball. Descartes and Nietzsche looked on appalled. He pulled himself together.

Jonathan L. Howard

The only moral it is possible to draw from this story is that one should never throw the Q letter into a privet bush, but unfortunately there are times when it is unavoidable.

Douglas Adams

They can't tell so much about you if you got your eyes closed.

Ken Kesey

Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere.

Søren Kierkegaard

And, drunk with my own madness, I shouted at him furiously, "Make life beautiful! Make life beautiful!

Charles Baudelaire

YOU are the big drop of dew under the lotus leaf, I am the smaller one on its upper side,'said the dewdrop to the lake.

Rabindranath Tagore

I’m not superstitious. I’m a witch. Witches aren’t superstitious. We are what people are superstitious of.

Terry Pratchett

Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, 'atheism' is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify himself as a 'non-astrologer' or a 'non-alchemist.' We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.

Sam Harris

Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

Criss Jami

Save your explanations, I got some questions for you first and you'd better answer them!' [slurred Hellian.] 'With what?' [Banaschar] sneered. 'Explanations?' 'No. Answers. There's a difference-' 'Really? How? What difference?' 'Explanations are what people use when they need to lie. Y'can always tell those,'cause those don't explain nothing and then they look at you like they just cleared things up when really they did the opposite and they know it and you know it and they know you know and you know they know that you know and they know you and you know them and maybe you go out for a pitcher later but who picks up the tab? That's what I want to know.' 'Right, and answers?' 'Answers is what I get when I ask questions. Answers is when you got no choice. I ask, you tell. I ask again, you tell some more. Then I break your fingers, 'cause I don't like what you're telling me, because those answers don't explain nothing!

Steven Erikson

If you're going to sit on someone's tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right?

Nicholas Sparks

Eve: “If you ended up naked and dead with another woman, I'd do the Rumba on your corpse.”Roarke: “You can't do the Rumba.”Eve: “I'd take lessons first.”Roarke: “You might very well. Not that you'll ever get the chance, but you'd also grieve.” Eve: “Wouldn't give you the satisfaction. You cheating f-wit putz. "Roarke: “You'd weep in the dark and call my name.”Eve: “Call your name alright. How are things in hell? You dickless bastard. And I'd laugh and laugh, that's how I''d call your name.”Roarke: “Christ Jesus Eve, I love you.”--Eve, Roarke

J D ROBB

About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.

The Harvard Lampoon

Hatori: "SHIGURE... I WILL TELL EVERYONE IN THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT YOU, STARTING FROM WHEN YOU WERE FOUR YEARS OLD..."Shigure: "Sorry, Tohru-kun. My lips are sealed!

Natsuki Takaya

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

Bill Watterson

Have you ever been approached by a grim-looking man, carrying a naked sword with a blade about ten miles long in his hand, in the middle of the night, beneath the stars on the shores of Lake Michigan? If you have, seek professional help. If you have not, then believe you me, it can scare the bejeezus out of you.

Jim Butcher

my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as may be...

Jane Austen

The only reason I'm friends with any of you is because I outgrew the von Trapps, one annoying Austrian at a time.

Lisa Mantchev

EH.MA.GAWD.

Lisi Harrison

You never get mad,” she said when their server left the table. “Except at me.”“That’s not true,” he said tightly. “Torie can get me going.”“Torie doesn’t count. You were obviously her mother in a previous life.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

If you get yourself killed, I'll find your grave and spit on it," she threatened.

Julie Garwood

I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings.

Raymond Chandler

By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.

Christopher Moore

It was a trap after all,” Alric said. He turned to Royce. “My apologies for doubting your sound paranoia.

Michael J. Sullivan

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

P.G. Wodehouse

College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?

David Wood

. . I tell you Dain is a splendid catch. I advise you to set your hooks and reel him in.”Jessica took a long swallow of her cognac. “This is not a trout, Genevieve. This is a great, hungry shark.”“Then use a harpoon.

Loretta Chase

She wished, as almost all kids wish at one point or another, that she could turn into a pterodactyl and fly away and never come back.

Gina Damico

Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?

Marquis de Sade

Age is always advancing and I'm fairly sure it's up to no good.

Jim Butcher

Tink's a Disneyland whore!"-Jenks

Kim Harrison

I wanted to stay this way forever.Which, it turns out, was exactly five more minutes.

Kami Garcia

Another night then,' Mom said. 'Maybe on the weekend we can have a barbecue and invite your sister.' 'Or,' I said turning to Rafe, 'if you want to skip the whole awkward meet-the-family social event you could just submit your life story including your view on politics religion and every social issue imaginable along with anything else you think they might need to conduct a thorough background check.' Mom sighed. 'I really don't know why we even bother trying to be subtle around you.' 'Neither do I. It's not like he isn't going to realize he's being vetted as daughter-dating material.' Rafe grinned. 'So we are dating.' 'No. You have to pass the parental exam first. It'll take you awhile to compile the data. They'd like it in triplicate.' I turned to my parents. 'We have Kenjii. We have my cell phone. Since we aren't yet officially dating I'm sure you'll agree that's all the protection we need.' Dad choked on his coffee.

Kelley Armstrong

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W.C.Fields

Alanna: All I know is that I'm to jump when I'm told and I have no free time.

Tamora Pierce

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.

Tallulah Bankhead

Anyone who takes on my sister," he had postured once, all puffed-out bravado, "will have to deal with ...my sister." And then he'd dived behind her and cowered.

Laini Taylor

I'm Razo, a member of Bayern's Own," he said, stopping himself from adding "Loafing is just a hobby of mine.""Bayern's Own? But you're a child." Razo looked up to the sky. "I'm not a child, I'm just short.

Shannon Hale

There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. ......Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things that you shouldn't be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren't really there? Like, oh, I don't know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.Well, guess what? There are a large number of people out there also suffering from the same delusions, because there are Republicans, there are conservatives, and then there are the Bushies. This is the 29 percent of Americans who still think he's doing "a heck of a job, Whitey." And I don't believe that it's coincidence that almost the same number of Americans - 25 percent - told a recent pollster that they believe that this year - this year, 2007 - would bring the Second Coming of Christ!I have a hunch these are the same people. Because, if you think that you're going to meet Jesus before they cancel "Ugly Betty," then you're used to doing things by faith. And if you have so much blind faith that you think this war is winnable, you're nuts and you shouldn't be allowed near a voting booth.

Bill Maher

Mogi: Greg Parker left the hideout a while ago and bought a large amount of food. He's heading back to the hideout now. And I've been able to ascertain that he purchased multiple boxes of the same brand chocolate.Aizowa: That clinches it.Ide: It feels a little strange that chocolate is the deciding factor here.

Tsugumi Ohba

All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.

Gordon B. Hinckley

This is the problem with forever friends. They know too much.

Kristin Hannah

I have nightmares about hell, where all I do is add up numbers and try to have conversations with people like you.

Jim Butcher

Did you get notes for me?""No", Ronan replied,"I thought you were dead in a ditch.

Maggie Stiefvater

Don't call me a dinosaur. It isn't fair to the dinosaurs. What did a dinosaur ever do to you?

Jim Butcher

Kalle Fucking Blomkvist

Stieg Larsson

An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?

Terry Pratchett

It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?

Ilona Andrews

Sunshine, I... Starla's voice broke off as she entered the room and caught sight of him standing naked in the corner. She eyed him in an odd, detached way, as if he were an interesting piece of furniture.Talon and modesty were strangers, but the way she stared at him made him damned uncomfortable. In spite of the sunlight, Talon grabbed the pink blanket off the bed and clutched it to his middle.You know, Sunshine, you need to find a man like that to marry. Someone so well hung that even after three or four kids, he'd still be wall to wall.Talon gaped.Sunshine laughed. "Starla, you're embarrassing him.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

And there was that poor sucker Flaubert rolling around on his floor for three days looking for the right word.

Dorothy Parker

He was dressed just like on TV, with lots of silver chains and bracelets, ripped jeans, and a black muscle shirt (Which was kind of stupid, since he didn't have any muscles).

Rick Riordan

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.-Artemis Fowl

Eoin Colfer

To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.

Roger Zelazny

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Humor Quotes - Page 184

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