Humor Quotes - Page 181

After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, "When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, 'That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in which they will pray us all to death. It is meant to kill us.

The sight of her made him understand why he'd lost his faith in God.

She was satisfied with the answer God had given Moses from the burning bush when Moses had seen fit to question. Who are you? Mose asks, and God comes back from that bush just as pert as you like: I Am, Who I AM. In other words, Mose, stop beatin around this here bush and get your old ass in gear.

They served "Good Food" but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers. But then again, what did I know?

And the news got worse. It appeared that there was this whole other person Jesus Christ whose birthday a lot of people tended to confuse with mine. I was personally outraged. It was a long time before I forgave the Lord for that.

people don't get meit's more rule than exceptionGod bless exceptions

Beth Myrle Rice

I'm here to tell you, there ain't much forgiveness in that old-time religion. That particular savior was a mean son of a bitch. If you sinned, honey, he was going to get you, no doubt about it.

He'd gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something.

I bet you've seen the fundamentalist bumper sticker that says, "God said it! I believe it! That settles it!" It must be a typo because what the driver really means is, "I said it! God believes it! That settles it!

Robert M. Price

They ought to make it a binding clause that if you find God you get to keep Him.

Your Excellency, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Pierre-Simon Laplace

Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: "What the heck is going on down there?

Kat Falls

If I convert it's because it's better that a believer dies than that an atheist does.

Christopher Hitchens

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth . . . Then he said, "Let there be light." Which means he made the entire universe in the dark! How fucking good is that? He's brilliant.

I had a standing agreement with god. I'd agree to believe in him, barely, so long as he let me sleep in on Sundays.

The Maker of the universe with stars a hundred thousand light-years apart was interested, furious, and very personal about it if a small boy played baseball on Sunday afternoon.

If we assume that man actually does resemble God, then we are forced into the impossible theory that God is a coward, an idiot and a bounder.

I stared up at the sky and raised my middle finger, just in case God was watching. I don't like being spied on.

Annabel Pitcher

...God created the world in six days. On the seventh day, he rested. On the eighth day, he started getting complaints. And it hasn't stopped since.

James Scott Bell

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Aristotle

The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.

Did I hear God call me an idiot?

William Paul Young

Smartass Disciple: Master, I want to eradicate all corruptions in this world.Master of Stupidity: Let it be a bit! Otherwise you'll make us jobless for good.

Toba Beta

Smartass Disciple: Master, what do say about the truth itself ?Master of Stupidity: Like sex, no fun anymore if all is revealed.

Toba Beta

Smartass Disciple: Master, please show me the way to the enlightenment.Master of Stupidity: Walk with me! [but I won't let you try to surpass me].

Toba Beta

People are so cheap. Everyone wants quality, no one wants to pay for it. Here's the suburban dream-- to hire great workers who are such meek morons that they don't have the guts to ask for a living wage.

I didn't see myself as the busty type. Too bad bodies are issued randomly, not selected to match your personality

Phoebe Kitanidis

In life there are heads and there are tails however when one starts to excrete thoughts out of the latter and proceed to relieve yourself out of the former than you've become too full of yourself.

If you are involved with the intensity of crescendo situations, with the intensity of tragedy, you might begin to see the humor of these situations as well. As in music, when we hear the crescendo building, suddenly if the music stops, we begin to hear the silence as part of the music.

Chögyam Trungpa

Teachers're always using that "in your own words." I hate that. Authors knit their sentences tight. It's their job. Why make us unpick them, just to put it back together more shonkily? How're you s'posed to say Kapellmeister if you can't say Kapellmeister?

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye and cover-up, wouldn’t be more than average-looking, but with all that stuff look too plastic to be pretty.

Hannah Harrington

I can see how I could write a bold account of myself as a passionate man who rose from humble beginnings to cut a wide swath in the world, whose crimes along the way might be written off to extravagance and love and art, and could even almost believe some of it myself on certain days after the sun went down if I’d had a snort or two and was in Los Angeles and it was February and I was twenty-four, but I find a truer account in the Herald-Star, where it says: “Mr. Gary Keillor visited at the home of Al and Florence Crandall on Monday and after lunch returned to St. Paul, where he is currently employed in the radio show business… Lunch was fried chicken with gravy and creamed peas”.

Garrison Keillor

Vivi muito tempo no mundo das pessoas grandes. Vi-as de bem perto.Não fiquei com muito melhor opinião delas.

Antoine De Saint Exupery

Smartass Disciple: What were you thinking when the truth is revealed unto you?Master of Stupidity: I wasn't thinking. I was having sex when it came to my mind.

Toba Beta

Smartass Disciple: Master, I believe that the truth will prevail at the end.Master of Stupidity: No 'the end' for the truth. 'Prevail' is something else.

Toba Beta

Math. It’s your favorite subject. Which surprises you. Last year your teacher tried to convince you that you had a real “aptitude” for math, but all you got in the end was a B minus. The truth is you weren’t even trying. But then you got low Cs and Ds in all your other classes and you weren’t trying there, either, so maybe you are good at math after all. tYou like it because either you’re right or you’re wrong. Not like social studies and definitely not like English, where you always have to explain your answers and support your opinions. With math it’s right or it’s wrong and you’re done with it. But even that’s changing, my teacher said now you have to explain how you solved the problem and support your answer, saying that having the right answer isn’t as important as explaining how you got it and bam, just like that, you hate math.

Bizim hepimizin içinde zübüklük olmasa, bizler de birer zübük olmasak, aramızdan böyle zübükler büyüyemezdi. Hepimizde birer parça olan zübüklük birleşip işte başımıza böyle zübükler çıkıyor. Oysa zübüklük bizde, bizim içimizde. Onları biz, kendi zübüklüğümüzden yaratıyoruz. Sonra, kendi zübüklüklerimizin bir tek Zübük’de birleştiğini görünce ona kızıyoruz. Bu zübükler heryerde var, biz zübükler nerde varsak, onlar da orada...

As in music, when we hear the crescendo building, suddenly if the music stops, we begin to hear the silence as part of the music.

Chögyam Trungpa

Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It's nature's way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the ages of 28-38. Can someone please dramatically reduce the cost of housing, already?~SHEESH~

Worrying is stupid. It's like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain.

I never feel unsafe except for when the majority is on my side.

Smartass Disciple: How the hell do we find the truth ?Master of Stupidity: Just seek it with hope it’ll find you.

Toba Beta

Smartass Disciple: Three years! I've listened you preaching just for this silly truth?Master of Stupidity: Who said I was preaching? Who said anything about the truth?

Toba Beta

A person obsessed with ultimate truth is a person asking to be relieved of money.

Robert B. Laughlin

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

G.K. Chesterton

i realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl...because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol

Fee Scott

Humor is the whole truth.

Frigyes Karinthy

So why did poor artists originally hang around in cafes?""I don't know. Inspiration from the atmosphere.""Ha! No, you've been tricked, too, just like the rest of us. Cafes didn't have inspirational atmosphere at first. That only came later, when you knew artists had been hanging around in them.

Arthur Phillips

When boy likes you, you say no thank you. You don't kick him on the ground.

Jenny Han

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.

If you're explaining, you're losing.

I point out truths when I see them, Brightlord Sadeas. Each man has his place. Mine is to make insults. Yours is to be in-sluts.

Brandon Sanderson

There's nothing more aggravating in the world than the midnight sniffling of the person you've decided to hate.

I never talk back. I listen and always remember your every word, so come pen or mouse, never forget that I will treasure your thoughts forever. Yours truly, Paper.

I need to be casual but not too casual. Dressy but not too dressy. I need him to think I just threw on the first thing I found and that I'm not taking this too seriously or overthinking it or even that I was thinking about it at all. Because I'm not. I'm totally not thinking about him, and I don't want him to think I was thinking about him, but I don't want him to think that I'm not thinking about him, because clearly he thought about me enough to ask me out and it would be mean not to be thinking about him at all, so I need just the right amount of thinking, and I'm not sure if that means boots and a skirt or skinny jeans and ballet flats. Help!

Each one of us comes out of our mother's body crying, with or without exceptions. But we are not aware of it. Are you? Do you remember that you cried the very first time you come out of your mother's body? If not, then why are you crying now?

Some men can love forever, some for six years, some for six months, and others for six hours.

Michael Bassey Johnson

The most popular labor saving device is still money.

The best fiction is true.

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