Humor Quotes - Page 168

That's it then. This is how it ends. I haven't even read Proust.

Immortality like this is about as useful as sunscreen on a submarine.

Knackered inmates are easier to control than pumped-up ones. And dead inmates are even easier to control, if you follow me.

Alexander Gordon Smith

What can I say? I prefer to die well informed.

Nalini Singh

He thought he saw some horses, too, and a clown, but it was the faces of all those dead raptors that really bothered him. And maybe that clown a little bit.

Vernon D. Burns

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.

Maureen Johnson

It would be especially comforting to believe that I have the answer to the question, What happens when we die? Does the light just go out and that’s that—the million-year nap? Or will some part of my personality, my me-ness, persist? What will that feel like? What will I do all day? Is there a place to plug in my laptop?

Mary Roach

It is clear that men accept an immediate pain rather than an immediate pleasure, but only because they expect a greater pleasure in the future. Often the pleasure is illusory, but their error in calculation is no refutation of the rule. You are puzzled because you cannot get over the idea that pleasures are only of the sense; but, child, a man who dies for his country dies because he likes it as surely as a man eats pickled cabbage because he likes it.

W Somerset Maugham

Just being alive should make you late for everything. In case you've never noticed, the dead are always on time.

Arlene Ang

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

David Sedaris

I'm going to get 'I'M NOT FUCKING DEAD' tattooed on my chest.""That will become inaccurate at some point, " Omar pointed out.

Domashita Romero

Anyway, lots of warrior tribes think that when they die, they go to a heavenly land somewhere," said the toad. "You know, where they can drink and fight and feast forever? So maybe this is theirs.""But this is a real place!""So? That's what they believe. Besides, they're only small. Maybe the universe is a bit crowded and they have to put heavens anywhere there's room? I'm a toad, so you'll appreciate that I'm having to guess a lot here.

Terry Pratchett

I'm Allen Walker!"My life....is over...I'm going to die....

Katsura Hoshino

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)

Frankie Boyle

I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

Mark Twain

(Parody that is often falsely believed to be a true quote of Mariah Carey's) Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

MAD Magazine

My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped greeting for all her mourners. Something real upbeat and, well, live-sounding, like: 'He-e-e-ey!Cuteshoestellyomamahi!

Jill Conner Browne

That's how I want to go. Taking my own way out and totally pissing everybody off at the end.

L.J. Smith

I'd heard that if you saw a Reaper, you saw what you expected to see, what you thought the agents of Death would look like. Personally, I wanted to see little, fuzzy pink bunnies, but apparently my subconscious visualized tall, scary, and skeletal. My subconscious and I needed to have a long talk.

Lisa Shearin

Well, I always did want to go out in a Braveheart kind of way. I'll just have to think of something cool to yell before they cut my head off.

Jenny Trout

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Bauvard

Wayne's a little attached to that hat," Waxillium said. "He thinks it's lucky."Wayne: "It is lucky. I ain't never died while wearing that hat." Marasi frowned. "I ... I'm not sure I know how to respond."Wax: "That's a common reaction to Wayne.

Brandon Sanderson

I'm not scared of death, I just don't want to seek it out.

Thomas James Higgins

I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out.

Orson Scott Card

So if there is something on the planet that is worth living for, I'd better not miss it, because once you're dead, it's too late for regrets, and if you die by mistake, that is really, really dumb.

Muriel Barbery

Sometimes the only answer to death is lunch.

Jim Harrison

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

Woody Allen

...Opal is dead, and I don't see how a healer can change that! It's not something to joke about."Joke?" Then Owen hit his forehead and cried, "That's right, you haven't heard!"Heard what?" asked Adrien, who felt an insane glimmer of hope return to his heart.Death is on strike! She hasn't done that for two centuries, and it's very annoying. Your friend is alive."Very annoying?" repeated Amber. "I don't see what's so annoying about a miracle! What is Death on strike for?"Everyone knows that Death lives in Fairytale-in an inaccessible area, obviously. And just a few hours ago, she decided to stop working. So, for now, no one can die.

Flavia Bujor

I got out on the street and started crying the kind of hysterical tears made justifiable only by turning off one’s cell phone, putting it to the ear, and pretending to be told of a death in the family.

Sloane Crosley

IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT /MEANT/ TO BE SAFE.

Terry Pratchett

Wait.” Stefan’s voice was hard suddenly. Bonnie and Elena turned back and froze, embracing each other, trembling. “What is your—your father—going to do to you when he finds out that you allowed this?” as I do, and we will be sharing a belly laugh tomorrow.

L.J. Smith

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

Victor J. Stenger

Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It's death porn for the masses.

Laurie Halse Anderson

Please don't die.

Randy Pausch

They don't make morgues with windows. In fact, if the geography allows for it, they hardly ever make morgues above the ground. I guess it's partly because it must be eisier to refrigerate a bunch of coffin-sized chambers in a room insulated by the earth. But that can't be all there is to it. Under the earth means a lot more than relative altitude. It's where dead things fit. Graves are under the earth. So are Hell, Gehenna, Hades, and a dozen other reported afterlives.Maybe it says somthing about people. Maybe for us, under the earth is a subtle and profound statement. Maybe ground level provides us with a kind of symbolic boundary marker, an artificial construct that helps us remember that we are alive. Mabye it helps us push death's shadow back from our lives.I live in a basement apartment and like it. What does that say about me?Probably that I overanalyze things.

Jim Butcher

Sorry to hear about your Dad."He shrugged. "He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him.""Heart attack?""He was hit by a Pizza Express truck.

J.A. Konrath

No man should go to Valhalla with brothel rash.

Mark Lawrence

Do you wanna play? Everyone's dead, so I got bored. Did you come to play with me?--Wrath

Hiromu Arakawa

If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship.

Terry Pratchett

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

Justice will prevail!

Tsugumi Ohba

Where is Polonius? HAMLET t In heaven. Send hither to see. If your messenger find him not there, seek him i' th' other place yourself. But if indeed you find him not within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stairs into the lobby.

William Shakespeare

My life was going to flash before my eyes, but it decided to hide behind my eyes and quake with terror instead.

Sarah Rees Brennan

You're probably wondering what's going to happen to you. That's easy. The same thing is going to happen to you that has happened to every other human being who has ever lived. You're going to die. We all die. That's just how it is.

Ernest Cline

Yes, Bastille. I keep trying to get killed because it's inconvenient for you.

Brandon Sanderson

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Steven Wright

An eye for an eye my friend.

Tsugumi Ohba

Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!

George Carlin

Got it. Demon. Death. Doom.

Kami Garcia

I g-g-guess...I'm dead?" she heard her own voice call out, strangely high-pitched and thin.For a long time, she heard nothing else. And then:"Hi, Dead. I'm Dan.

Peter Lerangis

The dead know everything but they don't give a damn.

Joanne Harris

You're dead, George. You just don't have the sense to lie down.

Stephen King

Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.

Oscar Wilde

Death, I had discovered long ago, was available in varying flavors, and none of them particularly palatable.

Jasper Fforde

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

George Carlin

Blind barthimus used his mouth and his feet to affect what wasn't working in his life? What do you use to affect what's not working in your life? God is not interested in your perfection, He is interested in your participation. It is your participation that attracts the presence of God.

Patience Johnson

Why do people go to church on Sundays? A question that is very complicated because I know what the answer is supposed to be but I do not really know the answer.. I think people go because it is a kind of tradition. I think some goes because someone told them if tgey do not they might go to hell. Maybe some go to look for a wife or husband ☺. Maybe some go to church to display their latest designer shoes or handbags. Some goes just to please their Pastor. Some people go to church because they love the music or the preaching. Some goes because of some social reasons and friendship. Some have it in their mind that they will experience the presence of God in the church. Some goes to church because of miracle. Some goes to church when they are expecting something maybe child, comfort, marriage, work etc.. Some felt it is an obligation to give God a day out of the seven days he createdLet me tell you that church is not there to entertain you, Ephesians 3:20... there are things going on in the church that some people barely know about.Ask yourself today why do I go to church. I am sure a sincere answer will help you.

Patience Johnson

I don't just have only the peace of God, I do also have a God who gives peace, not just resources but the revelation of His presence.

Patience Johnson

Be anxious for no thing, be concerned about the state of your soul and that of your children, be concerned about God's work in the world; these are genuine concern but when it comes to the things in your life.....be not anxious. If God is for us who can be against us?

Patience Johnson

Don't think because you can't affect something at a great level that God can't use you in a great way. David didn't even train one day with the armies but He won the war. He didn't even have a weapon but he killed a giant.

Patience Johnson

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Humor Quotes - Page 168

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